Sorry for the delay on this one, life has been a bit hectic lately. Anyway, we hope you enjoy it.
Warnings: Making fun of politicians, mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, various slashy things, Loki being very, very gay and some bad language.
Disclaimer: Neither I, nor AmaneManiac own any characters from the Marvel Universe or from the DC universe. We are simply borrowing them and aren't making any money from this.
It seemed like a normal enough day to begin with. But then it became clear that actually, some superheroes and supervillains had taken over the White House for a therapy session. Yeah. Apparently, they needed somewhere everyone knew. And Spiderman had still managed to get lost (at least, that's what he was saying. If you believed Tony, then Spiderman was being a wuss and refusing to come because of what had happened last time). Of course, the problem with Spiderman bailing was that they had fewer superheroes to deal with the villains (not that Tony or Batman would say they couldn't cope) so they'd been forced to call in a favour from another universe and the X-Men were on their way.
Also, Captain America. He greeted them at the door and made several pointed remarks about not trashing the White House.
"Yeah, and who's going to notice? I'm betting that Mr President would be absolutely thrilled to get smashed with us." Tony replied.
"We're not getting drunk this time, Tony. Alfred is on strict orders not to tamper with any drinks. Aren't you Alfred?" Batman said, staring at Alfred. The butler nodded and then flipped his newspaper up. The headline read 'NICK 'SEX AND DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL' CLEGG STILL CAUGHT IN DOWNING STREET 'MOON'LIGHTING SCANDAL'. Batman knew he should feel guilty over that, but it wasn't his fault that Scarecrow and Mad Hatter had got him both drunk and high (okay, yes, he should've taken the drugs away because drugs are bad, but you try explaining to a guy whose brain has been basically fried why he can't have his drugs or 'happy stash' anymore). And well, first rule of leprechauns: don't argue with leprechauns. They had ways of getting back at you.
"Hey, Bruce, look. You can't not provide booze. In case you're forgetting, we have Logan and the other X-Men coming over and Logan likes his drink." Tony pointed out.
"We're not having any drink apart from water and possibly milkshakes. And I hope you've talked to Jarvis about spiking my drinks."
Tony lifted his hands up in surrender and at that moment the door was flung open. He immediately ducked under a desk and listened to who the new arrival was.
"Where's Stark bub? I didn't come here to talk to a...DC."
"Logan," Storm interrupted, "we are here together, we have made an alliance for this cause."
Logan growled and strode over to a window and Tony slowly emerged. He let out a sigh of relief as he realised there was no Whiplash. They were in the waiting room for the President's office and the people who were supposed to be waiting... well they were out in the garden. The room was adorned with contemporary art pieces, plant pots, the secretary's desk and several luxurious sofas. Cosy.
Tony sat behind the secretary's desk ready to hide under it at any moment. Rumour had it that Whiplash was stuck in Soviet Russia at a t-shirt convention. So the team to tackle the villains today were Tony, Batman, Captain America, Logan, Storm, Jean and Rogue. They were expecting a few more villains since they were in America (and speak of the devil here they are!). In came Harley, The Joker, Loki, Toad, Magneto and Mystique. Alfred and Jarvis glared at each other from opposite corners of the room.
Tony relaxed as he discovered there was no Whiplash. He beamed to the room. "Villains! Please take a seat and just ask Jarvis if you need anything."
"Or Alfred."
"You gonna get off your face again Starky?" The Joker laughed. He waved cutely at Batman and Batman averted his gaze quickly.
"Well hello there, fresh meat," Loki stretched out his fingers like a tiger, "rawr big fella, you in to bestiality?"
Logan snarled back. "Where the hell did this freak come from? Surely he's not a villain?"
"Oh but honey, villainy needs some style, and that happens to be me." He flicked his ponytail. "I'll chat to you later."
Harley sat in silence, arms crossed, pouting. Well, Toad sat on the ceiling, peering at everyone. Magneto fiddled with a piece of metal in front of him, warping it into different shapes and Mystique sat next to Harley, looking as bleak as her.
Tony clapped his hands together, "Right let's begin."
"But I can't start that quickly!" Loki protested.
"He didn't mean that. No-one meant that. Here, have some water." Batman intervened. Alfred appeared with a glass of water. Loki smiled flirtatiously and accepted it.
"Okay, so what are you guys going to talk to them about?" Logan asked. He pointed at the villains.
"Don't take that tone with me, Wolverine." Magneto hissed, pinning Logan to the floor. Logan growled, but couldn't actually move otherwise.
"Oh, kinky." Loki commented.
Batman facepalmed (is that a bruise forming on his face?).
"So what are we talking about?" asked The Joker.
"I know, who here is a virgin? She so isn't," Loki pointed at Jean. She opened her mouth in offense.
"What are you saying I'm a slut?"
"Darling, puh-lease, someone with your looks could get anyone, I bet you've even batted for the other side once or twice," Loki winked.
"As opposed to someone who sticks to dicks because he can't attract a woman?"
"Hun, I don't try to attract women, I've always liked a bit of tush," he smiled at Logan, "girls are too whiney for my taste, they moan like bitches."
Jean clenched her fists. "At least we have emotions."
Rogue gave a cautious look at Jean. Tony suddenly jumped up and stood in-between the pair of them.
"Okay, much as I would love to watch you two bitch fight for the rest of the evening, I think that we should really get a move on. Before the Joker manages to get Batman's mask off and get him into the bedroom. 'Cuz if they get that far, they are not coming out. I mean, have you seen the size of the beds in this place? Okay, they're not as big as my beds – that is not an invitation by the way – but they're all stuffed with goose feathers and stuff." Tony paused. Everyone was staring at him. "Oh, like you had any better ideas for getting Bitchy McNag-Nag and the Spiderman Molester to stop their little cat fight."
"I could have had Mystique distract both of them by turning into dear Wolverine here." Magneto pointed out.
"So why didn't you?" Tony asked.
"I sense a threesome." Loki said at the same time.
"With who?" Logan growled out slowly.
"Why, you of course, and me and Mystique as you. It would be divine. Literally." Loki laughed.
"Can we please stop talking about Loki's sex life? We're meant to be talking about discrimination." Batman groaned.
"Is someone discriminating against you Bats? If they are... I'll have to put a smile on their face." the Joker laughed.
"Um, no, that won't be needed. Seeing as we've got everyone here now, we'll begin. As villains, you are all the subject of much prejudice and discrimination. You can talk about and share your experiences here." Batman said, not looking at the Joker.
For a few moments, there was silence. And then, slowly, Harley raised her hand.
"Mr B, does this mean... does this mean no-one loves me?" she asked. Batman would have winced... but the Joker was watching him very closely and it was kind of unnerving. He shrugged.
"I guess not." he replied. Harley promptly burst into tears.
"I just want to be loved!" she wailed, sobbing increasingly loudly. Storm got up to comfort her while all the villains ignored her – Loki was busy doing his nails. Logan rolled his eyes.
"Mutants have dealt with discrimination for a long time," began Magneto, clenching his fists, "but soon mutants will overtake the human population."
"Is there anything you would like to share about it?" asked Bats.
Magneto shot him a look that would kill him if looks could kill...twice.
"Ok I'll take that as a no. Moving swiftly on, Toad do you have anything to add?" he asked looking up at the ceiling.
Toad slowly stuck out his tongue. "I. Don't. Care." He whipped his tongue back in.
"Oooo what a marvellously large tongue you have," remarked Loki. He winked at Toad.
Toad cocked an eyebrow. "No."
"Aww not even for a bit of fun?"
"Loki, you seem very confident. Is it just a mask for all the discrimination you have experienced?" Bats was determined to steer away from Loki's sexual chats.
"Hah! I don't need to be loved, I am a god, and I can get anything I want, even you if I wanted."
"You stay away from my Bats!" yelled Joker, lunging at Loki with a knife.
Magneto twisted the blade out of Joker's hand and flung it in front of Tony, landing in-between his fingers which were resting on the desk.
"Jesus Christ! Keep your powers under control!" yelled Tony yanking back his hand.
"If I didn't have control that would've gone straight through your hand or...heart."
Tony's eye twitched. "Not my heart again!" he covered his heart protectively.
"Tony get a grip!" (Tony half expected Batman to slap him around the face)
"Ok...calm...phew...how about you Mystique?"
She hissed and transformed into Whiplash, jumping up to Tony. "I don't need to waste my breath on the idiocy of humans."
Tony was turning paler by the second. "Oh my God! You all need to chill out!"
Batman facepalmed. "Tony, we're running therapy. Get a hold of yourself!"
"Oooo-" began Loki.
"No! Don't you say anything!"
Loki gave an innocent look. "Why do you assume my mind always goes there?"
Rogue began sniffling in the corner. It probably wasn't the best therapy topic she turned up to. Jarvis passed her a tissue. When Rogue was done he disdainfully took it then flicked it at Alfred. Alfred glared.
"Everyone is accepted in America." Everyone stared at Captain America.
For a long time.
In silence.
"What?" he asked, clueless. (Somewhere in the background Batman facepalmed).
"America...I didn't always live in America...wanna know how I got these scars?" The Joker gestured towards his scarred face.
"Please no..." Bats knew his pleas wouldn't work.
"Well," he licked his lips, "I lived in Happyland before, and they discriminated against me because I was born without a smile on my face. Everyone had a smile etched across their face, natural of course. One day a psychopath escaped from our asylum and found me alone in the park and with a maniacal smile on his face asked, 'why so serious?'. He called me all sorts of names and said I deserved to be punished for not smiling, then," he gestured to his scars, "he did this to me. It was only then the depression plague hit and everyone else had a frown on their face from then, so I couldn't get rid of my smile and therefore suffered more discrimination."
Silence.
"What the fuck have you been smoking?" Logan asked, utterly flabbergasted.
"You mean you don't believe me?"
Harley hesitated.
"You're in love with this guy?" Loki laughed.
"In Soviet Russia, Whiplash was discriminated against."
Everyone turned their heads shocked and Tony sat pale as a ghost, eyes wide. Whiplash towered over him from behind.
"How did you get in here?" Captain America couldn't let anyone past his expert security.
"Window was open so I came in."
"And what the fuck are you wearing? Not even I could pull that off!" exclaimed Loki.
Whiplash displayed a jazzberry-pink t-shirt struggling to stay intact across his immense upper body.
"Is from t-shirt convention. They kick me out early because I kept tearing shirts with my Soviet body."
Tony didn't dare turn around.
"This is story of Whiplash..."
"And that is how it ended...in Soviet Russia."
Everyone was bawling their eyes out, even Tony. Alfred and Jarvis supported each other, Toad, Magneto and Mystique sobbed together, Harley and Jean hugged each other as they cried. Even Logan was crying.
Tony was latched onto Whiplash.
"My god that was a sad story," sobbed Logan.
"It's ok little ironing man, Whiplash no let these things happen to you."
Tony froze. "OHMAIGOAWD!" he shoved Whiplash away, "I don't want to be anywhere near you, you'll..." he shuddered, "I'm not even gonna think about what you told me before."
"Things like that don't happen in America!" yelled Captain America.
"Soviet Russia is not like America. America is backward country."
"Says the guy who comes from a place where 'vodka drink you'? Your country is stupid!"
Whiplash tensed. His jazzberry t-shirt ripped apart. He kicked the desk across the room. "In Soviet Russia you die for insult."
"Yeah well, THIS. IS. CAPITALIST AMERICA!" Captain America karate kicked out at Whiplash only to have Whiplash seize his leg and twist him around up against the window.
"Today, is Soviet Russia," and with that he kicked Captain America out the window.
Well, we hope you enjoyed it. We enjoyed writing it. :)
Rethira and AmaneManiac
