It's 4 am. What I should be doing: sleeping. What I am doing: sitting uncomfortably in a hospital waiting room, waiting on news about Jake.
Everyone, but me, is asleep on the floral patterned couches, relaxed and comfortable. I can't even close my eyes. He can't die… He won't die. He's strong….. Why did he even do that for me! It should've been me! It should've been me! He just had to take that bullet for me didn't he? Now he's in surgery, on life support, all because of me.
I stood up and walked to the front desk on the floor, where there was a middle-aged doctor, with greying hair, who looked very tired.
"Uhm, Dr. Bruce?" I asked politely. I knew his name, because I've been asking him questions for the hours that I've been here. He looked up from some files he was rummaging through, and closed the door, and walked around the counter with a very serious look spread across his whole face.
"Jake?" he questioned. I nodded.
"Is he alright? Did they finish the surgery?"
"Rose, he's done with the surgery," he started. I smiled to myself quickly. There was still hope. "But, unfortunately, there is a great chance he won't survive… I'm so sorry." I ignored that, trying to hold back tears.
"Can I see him?" I ask. He nods and motions me to follow him. I trace his path as he walks through many dimly lit halls, finally leading up to the door of the room Jake was in.
"He's in here." he opens the door for me and lets me in alone. I pass the corner and see it. Jake, laying pale white and lifeless on the small hospital cot. I felt tears start to fall once again, but it was okay, because it was only us. So I let them pour out.
"You just had to do that, didn't you?" I ask to him. No response. "You could've let me get shot." Still nothing. The doctor walked in and I wiped the tears from my face. Dr. Bruce checked out the machinery, and suddenly stopped. He turned to me, and looked me in the eyes.
"Rose, I'm sorry. He's gone." I felt my whole world break as he said the last word. Gone.
"Really?" I choked out in a half-whisper. He nodded once and left the room. I was alone. All alone. No more Jake. I wouldn't be able to go to the mall with him again. I would never have his arms around me in a hug, or a comfort when I cried. I wouldn't be able to talk to him anymore, or hear his voice.
"Rose…" I heard a familiar voice say. I turned to face the sound, and it was Kara, with all of our other friends behind her. Everyone walked in and took one look at Jake, and either burst into tears, or just looked away.
I took another glance at him, and more tears started pouring from my eyes. I broke down to my knees and sobbed. How is this possible?
I felt Kara's hand on my shoulder, and I didn't even look up at her. I kept crying, and crying, and crying. It was over. My whole point of living was over. There was no point to being here when Jake wasn't.
Kara bent down to me and wrapped her arms around me.
"I'm sorry." her cracked voice spoke.
"It-It-should've-been-me." I spoke between sobs.
"Rose, it happened the way it did. None of us deserved to be in that spot."
"I-I'm going -to-kill-that bitch," I sobbed.
"Rose-" Kara tried to calm me.
"He killed a part of me. I kill him." I spat out. No one spoke, because they all agreed. Kara pulled me to my feet slowly, and I took one last look at Jake's lifeless body.
"I'm going home." I say letting more tears fall.
"Rose, there's a ma-" Nancy tries to say but I cut her off.
"I'm leaving." I speak sternly. I run out of the room, out of the hospital, and keep walking. I don't have a car, so I walk. There aren't many cars on the roads, and the air is cold.
Then I think back to Jake. He was gone forever. Forever. The word 'forever' wouldn't stop repeating in my head, taunting me. I kept walking along the side-walk, and the tears never stopped the whole time.
There's no point to living anymore. Nothing is worth it. It's like I don't even have a soul anymore, and all that fills my mind are depressing thoughts and memories of Jake.
All night, I was in my bed crying, and wishing it was me instead of him. He took all of me when he left, and all that's left is just the part of me I wish I could forget.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror in my room. The girl in the mirror was pale, looked life-less, and had dark make-up smudged around her eyes, and a single tear falling down her cheek. It didn't look like me at all.
I get sick and tired of looking at the broken image of me, and walk out of my room, and down to the living room downstairs. I pass Jason, who was sitting on the leather couch watching TV, and his eyes widen as he sees me.
"Uhm," he stutters. Nancy looks at me from her spot at the kitchen table and just stares rudely.
"What happened to you?" she asks.
"Nothing much, except I hate my life. You know, nothing much." I murmur emotionlessly. Josh looks over at me from his spot in the kitchen with Kara. They're cooking something. They always are. His eyes look over me and stops at a certain point.
"Rose, why are there cuts all over your wrists!" he exclaims. I look down and realized that my sleeves were rolled up, showing off the damage I gave myself last night. I pulled down the sleeves of my sweater quickly.
Sure, I cut myself last night. With a knife, and it felt great. But they didn't need to know that.
"Nothing!" I reply.
"Rose, are you okay?" Nancy questions, and looks at me like I'm the most insane person she's ever talked to.
"I'm. Fine."
"This so has something to do with Jake, doesn't it?" she points out rudely. She is the rudest person ever to even ask me that. It happened not even 5 hours ago! She notices my upset face, and the tears I'm holding back.
"You loved him, didn't you? That's it! You were in love with Jake!" I glare at her, and feel tears start to slide against my cheeks.
"No I didn't! Now, do you want to leave me alone?" I snap. "He-It happened not even 5 hours ago, and he was my best friend! What did you expect? Me to be all happy-go-lucky!" Nancy's snobby expression doesn't change one bit, and everyone else looks horrified at what she just did. Josh and Jason looked like they were about to strangle her. Their brother had been murdered in front of their eyes, and she could care less.
I remember sometime in the night, I heard Jason and Josh call their parents to tell them the news. They were both crying, not like me, but they were crying. They don't show it now, but that's what they want to do. We all just want to cry.
I glare at Nancy one last time through my eyes, and turn to head upstairs. I walk, then run up the spiral staircase and walk through the hall to my room.
Jake's is right beside mine. His door is shut, and I'm tempted to go in and see if he was maybe there, waiting for me with open arms and telling me this was just a horrible night mare. But I knew he wasn't, so I just open the door to my room and shut the white door behind me, to conceal the noises of my sobs. I slide down the door and sit on the floor and cry into my hands.
This is too much for a person to handle. I've seen a person get killed before, but never was it someone I cared about as much as Jake. I thought back to what Nancy said to me. You were in love with Jake!…. I couldn't possibly be in love with Jake. It's not possible. He was my best friend, and nothing more… What does love even feel like? I remember this movie I watched with Kara one night… 'A Walk To Remember'. The main characters were in love with each other, as Kara explained. I asked her what love felt like, and she said she didn't know, and wished she did because 'it looked like something that could conquer anything'. Maybe one day you'll fall in love, Rose…
Jake… He was… Everything I've ever wanted to be. He was perfect in every way, and he made me feel special and alive. Like I wasn't useless, and I had a world of chances and opportunities ahead of me. When he kissed my cheek, my legs felt like they turned to liquid. When he hugged me, I felt safe from anything and anyone. Being with him made me feel like I was in heaven. Without him, it felt like hell. My life was hell.
I kept crying and the tears wouldn't stop. I needed this pain to go away, even just for a little while. Then I remembered the knife in my bed-side table.
I reached my hand over to the small table and pulled the little metal handle, and opened the small drawer. I moved my hand around inside, and felt cool metal touch my skin. I pulled it out and closed the little drawer and looked at the knife.
I turned my hand over and exposed my scabbed wrist. I took the knife and ran it across the skin there. It sent a tingly feeling all over my body, and I felt a new pain. The pain of the cut. I did it again, and again, and the pain I had before was distant. Blood slowly began to trickle out onto the surface of my skin, and I pulled my sleeve down to hide it.
After putting the knife back, I lay on my bed and turned my head. On the bed-side table was a framed photo-strip of Jake and I. It was from the photo booth in the mall. I analyzed each of the hilarious pictures over and over, and felt tears start to pour from my eyes again, accompanied by quiet sobs. Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupted me. I tried my best to wipe away my tears, but they kept on coming.
Kara opened the door slowly, and her beautiful brown eyes looked me over, and sympathized. She walked in the room, and quietly shut the door behind her before sitting beside me on the bed. I sat up, and looked down at my hands.
"Rose…" she whispered. "I'm really, really, really sorry."
"Kara, it's-fine." I cracked.
"No, it isn't. You know, you can talk to me. I'm here for you." she said as she gave me a little one-arm hug.
"Yeah," I murmur, but it's the truth. She's my girl-best friend, and I trust her with my life. She was also one of the people that treated me nicely when Jake first introduced me. Kara is always cheery and optimistic about almost everything, and I love that about her.
"Now tell me Rose, did you-" she hesitates. "Did you love him?" I look down and hold in tears. Did I? Was it possible?
"I don't know." I whisper.
"Well, let's see…" Kara trails off into her thoughts. "How did you feel around him?"
"Happy, safe…" I thought more, and gave a small smile as I spoke. "He could make anything better. He would talk to me like no one else, and I trusted him with my life… He could make me smile, no matter what was happening. He made me feel special… Alive. Every time I saw him, I felt anxious and got really excited. I really don't think it was possible to live life without him…" Kara looks in my eyes and a huge grin spreads across her lips.
"Rose, you loved him." she beamed happily. A smile began to form on my lips, but I then realized there's no point. He isn't here. The smile dropped, and I felt sad yet once again. Kara noticed her change in mood and put on a questioning face.
"Jake's not here anymore." I spoke quietly, answering her un-asked question. "It's not worth it." Kara's face became tense, and I saw her eyes fill with sadness. I felt my eyes start to burn, and more tears began to roll down my cheeks. Kara's brown eyes were red, and tears began to fall from her eyes.
"Rose-" her voice cracked. "I'm-so-sorry" she whispered in between stifled sobs.
I tried to stop, lie to myself. He is just fine, it's all fine. But then I remembered him, lying in the hospital cot, pale, frail and weak, and that was all my mind was filled with. Him in pain, horrible pain. It should've been me, I probably could've made it through.
Gun bullets, stabs, bruises, and broken bones were nothing new to me. I had to fight my way through life, with all I had. I didn't know people, and they'd start a fight over something stupid. Usually over a drug deal, something of the sort. Either way, a bullet wound, and bruises were nothing I couldn't handle.
Kara looked at me, and flashed a look of sorrow and pain, but when around others, she hid it well.
"I'll leave you alone." she spoke. I watched as she got up off the bed and walked out of the door gently closing it behind her.
I broke out into sobs, more tears and totally gave out. I lied back on my bed and just let every ounce of tears come out of my eyes. He will never come back, there's no use. Crying will just make it worse. I turned my head and saw it. In my mirror's frame, a photo strip from a day at the mall. Jake and I. I laughed helplessly at our hilarious expressions and let out a shaky breath. That would never happen again, and I let more tears stream down my warm cheeks. My eyes grew heavy, and I fell into sleep.
I looked around and took in a breath of the warm summer air, taking in my surroundings. We were at a park, laying down on the grass watching the sky.
"Rose?" Jake inquired, his head turned to face me. Our eyes met and I felt warmth arise to my cheeks.
"Yes, Jake?" I smiled, giggling.
"You know you are my bestest friend?" he chuckled.
"You know, bestest isn't a word." I joked, as he sat up from the grass, I followed his example, and sat cross-legged, balancing myself by putting my hands behind me, taking in handfuls of grass.
"Yeah," he mused. "It just shows how strongly I feel. I'm too smart for real words."
"Well," I started, wrapping my arms around him. "Then you are my bestest friend."
"Bestest?"
I giggled. "Bestest, Jake."
"And that is why," he offered, nodding in agreement with my statement. "Is why I bought you this." Jake pulled out a long, slender box with the name Swarovski in silver engraved on it. I smiled, as opened it, revealing a beautiful diamond studded heart on a silver chain.
My jaw dropped.
"Jake-" I stuttered in amazement. "I-Thank you." He motioned for me, with a cute smile on his face, and I turned around. He put the necklace on my neck, and I looked down at it, grinning from ear to ear. I turned around and threw my arms around him.
"Jake-How- I-" I stuttered, still in shock. I felt his lips touch my cheek and heat rushed to my cheeks. I looked him in the eyes, and he smiled sweetly.
"Don't leave me, please. I can't imagine-"
"Forever." he reassured, the smile still on his lips. "Forever."
Saddly, you guys don't care...
Boo...
I see no comments, and I want to cry.=(
But I'll continue cause I love ya'll.
xx
