Part Three: Suko Namisaki

1: Numb

"Yeah this is how it ends

After all these years

tired of it all

hopelessly helplessly broken apart

He finally falls

He doesn't want to think

Doesn't want to feel

Doesn't want to know what's going on

Says there's nothing he can do will change anything

He doesn't want to know what's going wrong

Because he's in love with a drug

One that makes him numb

One that stops him feeling at all

He's in love with a drug

Forget everyone

He really doesn't care anymore

Anymore..."

            I sat on my bed and listened to the lulling voice of Robert Smith of The Cure as he sang his group's song "Numb."  It was one of my favorite songs from The Cure.  The melody was nice, but I'd never really paid much attention to the words.  Until now.

            Along with sitting on my bed and listening to The Cure, I was reading.  Reading my brother's journal.  I'd promised him a few years back that I would never butt into his privacy, but he had been acting so strange lately and wouldn't tell me what was wrong.  So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I knew something was wrong with him and I needed to know what it was.  While reading his most recent entries from the past two weeks some things started to become more clear, while others just confused me more.  I cried at the entry where he said he was going to commit suicide.  I couldn't believe that he would go that far.  At least that explained why he kept saying "Nothing matters anymore" the first night Dr. Gero came for dinner.  But why didn't he tell me?  Well duh, Suko, you were only just ranting on him about his drug use the day before.  He knew that I would have tried to stop him.

            Stop him...  That part about the little girl saving him was weird.  Was that actually true or is he just so stoned all the time now that he thinks whatever stupid bizarre things that pop into his imagination are reality?  But he continued to write about her in every single entry after that.  He talked about looking for her and never finding her so at first I assumed his mind was out of reality, but then he wrote that he had actually found her.  He had been going out to see her almost everyday since he found her again.  So maybe this Zero person does exist.

            He mentioned something about Dr. Gero too.  That weirdo scientist guy creeps me out.  He keeps showing up for dinner then having confidential business talks with Dad afterword that even Mom isn't allowed to hear.  And now it seems like he's stalking Trent and knows this Zero chick pretty well.  I shivered.  Creepy.

            At least Zero took Trent's mind off of suicide.  I wanted to meet this Zero person.  She sounded interesting.  And if she's interesting enough to intrigue Trent then she must be pretty dang interesting.  A cyborg?  Really?  Trapped forever in the body of a child; that must suck.  What was Dr. Gero's connection in all this mess?  Was he the one who "created" her?  I wonder if Trent's dream really does mean something.  Maybe, maybe not.

            I put down the journal and just listened to "Numb."

"Yeah this is how it ends

After all this time

Everything just fades away

Worn-out and empty and all alone

With nothing left to say

Oh it's all too big to make a difference

It's all too wrong to make it right

Yeah everything is too unfair

Everything too much to bear

He doesn't have the strength left for the fight..."

           

            Hey, this sounds kind of like what Trent is feeling.

"Says all he wants is the drug

The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all

He just wants to take the drug

Forget everyone

He doesn't want to care anymore..."

            Yep, Trent.  It's just so sad...

"Just keeps loving the drug

The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all..."

            ...The likeness, it's so sad.

"Just keeps loving the drug

The drug that he's become

He isn't really here anymore...

"And that makes me cry"

            Yes, that makes me cry.  Trent, he's in love with a drug, and it makes him almost numb.  And soon, he'll probably become a drug himself...  I hope not.

            The song was on repeat so it proceeded to play itself again when it had ended. 

"Yeah this is how it ends

After all these years

tired of it all

hopelessly helplessly broken apart

He finally falls

He doesn't want to think

Doesn't want to feel

Doesn't want to know what's going on

Says there's nothing he can do will change anything

He doesn't want to know what's going wrong..."

            It amazed me how much this song almost mirrored what was written in my twin's journal.

He was so depressed about his life and finally lost control.  He was broken; he didn't really care about much and didn't think anything mattered.  He wanted to just be numb, basically. 

"Oh it's all too big to make a difference

It's all too wrong to make it right

Yeah everything is so unfair

Everything too much to bear

He doesn't have the strength left for the fight...'''

Everything I had wondered about just clicked right then.  I thought he was strong, and he was.  "Was" being the operative word.  He wasn't anymore.  Not as strong as he used to be.  I remembered how one day when we were nine years old I had forgotten to bring something home from school and Dad got really angry, so he smacked me across the face.  It had hurt so much and I started crying.  When Trent and I were alone he told me not to cry and to be strong.  From then on I strived to be like him, strong.  He was always the strong one, and now he's not.  Tears swelled up in my eyes.  I was losing Trent.  I wanted him back.  Zero had saved him from suicide, and I was grateful for that because I don't know how I could go on living knowing he was dead, but now she was taking him away from me.  He was growing distant.  He never really stops to see what's going on with me all that much anymore.  Zero was stealing him from me; making him numb, whether she knew it or not, whether she wanted to or not. 

"Says all he wants is the drug

The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all

He just wants to take the drug

Forget Everyone..."

            But... he can't forget me.  But, then again, maybe he can.  He's fallen too deep in love with Zero; he's in love with his drug...

"...The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all

Just keeps loving the drug

The drug that he's become

He isn't really here anymore..."

            "And that makes me cry," I sang in unison with the cd.  And I was crying.

            Suddenly, I heard voices shouting downstairs.  It was Dad and Trent.  Oh no, Trent's home.  I grabbed his journal and raced frantically to his room.  I quickly found the spot where I had found it and placed the journal there, under his mattress.  I scrambled up off my knees and ran out the room and shut the door.  I turned around to return to my bedroom and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Trent standing two feet away from me.  He looked tired.  I could tell he had been punched again because there was the beginning of a bruise forming on the left side of his jaw.

            "T-trent," I stuttered.  "What brings you here?"  Stupid, stupid.

            Trent's jaw dropped out of sheer astonishment of such a stupid question, he winced from the pain of his new bruise.  "Well, uh, let's see here Suko," he began, sounding very annoyed and on the brink of losing it.  "This is my house and through that doorway you are blocking is my room, after all, and I'm tired and would like to spend some time alone in there, if you don't mind.  Now please move."

            "Okay."

            I proceded to step aside when Trent stopped me and eyed me suspiciously, "What brings you here Suko?" he asked.

            Busted.  I searched my mind trying to think of an excuse.  "I, uh, cleaned your room for you," oh yeah, that's a real winner.  It'll only take him two seconds to figure that one out.

            And sure enough, Trent opened the door, looked in and said, "Suko, it's dirty.  What is your definition of 'clean' anyway?"

            "Well, you see.  I had originally intended to clean your room but I got distracted and decided to borrow a book."  That much was true.

            He raised an eyebrow, "What book?"

            "Your, uh, History book."

            "Suko, school's out.  I don't even take a History class."

            "Yeah, I remembered that when I didn't find a History book."

            Trent sighed, too tired to really argue.  "Whatever, Sis.  I think you're on crack."  He then walked into his room.

            Halfway through the doorway he stopped dead and turned around.  "Suko, you didn't..."

            Did he mean his journal?  I looked over at his mattress.  No, it was in place.  No evidence to let him know I had been snooping.  "I didn't what?" I asked, trying to sound clueless.

            I guess it worked because he just sighed again and grumbled something under his breath about nevermind and being hungry for a BLT sandwich.  He turned around and shut the door.

            I breathed a sigh of relief.  I walked back into my room.  "Numb" was still playing.

"...Everything just fades away

Worn-out and empty and all alone...'"

            Yes, Trent was worn-out.  So was I.  I hoped he wouldn't find out that I had read his journal, broken our promise.  And just as I was thinking that I heard a knock at my door.  I walked over and opened it.  I saw Trent standing there shaking his head incredulously.  I looked down at his hands.  He was holding his journal.

            "Suko, you did, didn't you?"

            "How...?"

            He held up the book to his last entry and pointed to some wet spots where the ink was smeared.  "I didn't cry while writing this last entry.  And besides, it's still wet."

            I just stood there.

            "Suko, how could you?" his voice sounded hurt, betrayed.  I couldn't blame him.

            I looked up slowly.  His face showed no emotion, which is how it looks if he is extremely angry or unhappy.  The look he only gives if he is so enraged or saddened that he cannot display any emotion; the look of one who has been betrayed by the one he trusts most.  I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me.

            "No, don't try to give an explanation.  Nothing can explain why you did this!" he was shouting by the end of his sentence and waving the journal around.  "Nothing can explain why you broke our promise, why you read that which have I put down onto paper what is in my heart!" he continued to shout.

            "What, you're turning into Shakespeare now?" I asked sarcastically in automatic defense.  I immediately regretted opening my mouth.

            "Shut up Suko!!  Just shut up!  You know what?  Just take this stupid thing, since you find it so interesting," he threw the journal at me.  "I never want to speak to you or listen to you again!  Never!" he slammed my door shut and shouted, "NEVER!!" once more.

            I picked up the fallen journal and looked at the page stained with my tears and touched the smeared ink.  "I'm sorry," I whispered pointlessly.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Trent."

            The song continued to play; I turned up the volume.

"...Says all he wants is the drug

The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all

He just wants to take the drug

Forget Everyone

He doesn't want to care anymore

Just keeps loving the drug

The one that makes him numb

The one that stops him feeling at all

Just keeps loving the drug

The drug that he's become

He isn't really here anymore...

And that makes me cry"

            By now there were tears falling off my face like Niagara Falls.  I collapsed onto my pillow and sobbed, repeating Trent's name over and over again while The Cure's "Numb" blared loudly.