A/N:

The quote at the end is taken from 6x17 Valhalla and also contains the title of this story. I considered it to be fitting when I re-watched the episode recently.

In this chapter things start to get complicated, because Hotch is getting wary. This chapter is only Emily and Hotch and the next chapter will be only Emily and Doyle (at least that's the current idea) to show both sides of this tangled situation. (And frankly I'm not quite sure at the moment how to untangle it, but we'll see...)

Thank you for reading this story and giving the perhaps rather unusual approach to Prentiss/Hotch/Doyle a chance. Your reviews and alerts make my day, so R&R please. ;-)

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Criminal Minds belongs to CBS. I own nothing but a wanton imagination.


Hotch suspects that something is wrong.

Intra-team profiling is a no-go at the BAU, especially since the member of the team he wants to profile is his girlfriend. He can't ignore the signals though. She is fidgety, nervous, sometimes almost jumpy and that's not like her at all. Hotch observes all this (nothing too obvious, small changes, perhaps the other team members don't even recognize it) and there could be plenty of reasons, harmless reasons for it. However the longer she behaves that way the more difficult it becomes for him not to scrutinize, not to connect the dots. He is well aware that he is on the verge of profiling Emily Prentiss.

It is one of the rare evenings without paperwork, without a case that demands their presence in another city. An occasion to stay at home or meet friends, to do whatever ordinary people do. All the more Hotch is irritated when Emily shrugs his question off rather rudely, whether they spend the evening together, and murmurs something about having to do the laundry. A fragile excuse and for a brief moment anger flares up in him, because apparently he is not even worth the effort to come up with a better face-saver.

Nonetheless he lets her get away with it for the time being, stays at the office and occupies himself with administrative tasks. He can't tell whether it's his anger that has to cool down or whether he just needs time to ponder over what to do next. No matter what, it takes him two hours before he decides to drive to her apartment. Perhaps he can help her with the "laundry".

Emily doesn't answer the door, doesn't answer the phone and when he hears no sound coming from inside of her apartment, a cold fear creeps into his body. What is going on? Of course the line about having to do the laundry was nonsense. A cop-out because she didn't want to see him tonight and didn't want to say it to his face. It's not her style to beat around the bush and taking time out is not extraordinary for one of them; thus something is clearly up. So far though he didn't assume it to be something bad, perhaps just erratic mood swings everybody is allowed to have every now and then. Now he is not so certain anymore.

Hotch has a key to her apartment and even if he feels uncomfortable using it in this situation, he has to make sure that she is all right, because this is getting increasingly weird. After he has checked that she in fact is not in her apartment, he steps outside. It is dark by now and just when he walks towards his parked car, uncertain what to do next, Emily approaches in her running clothes. Obviously she decided to go out for a jog and this isn't unusual, wouldn't it already be dark and hadn't he seen her come out of the unlit park. She is not fearful, but she doesn't take unnecessary risks. Her job illustrates what might happen otherwise every day.

She spots him right before she is about to enter her apartment building.

"Hey...," Emily looks a bit surprised but not unhappy to see him.

It's the slight flicker in her eyes, the almost imperceptible tilt of her head, her fidgeting fingers. It happens so fast that Hotch is unable to prevent it – he already has connected the dots, already has profiled her and is confronted with the result point-blank. This is no temporary mood swing or misinterpretation on his part. Emily is deliberately hiding something from him. And it started several weeks ago after her last appointment with Vivian, her old friend from school.

Hotch is no man to dodge a controversy, but he also respects boundaries and has learned that patience pays off. Albeit he is certain now that Emily conceals something, he also sees in her eyes that she doesn't like it, sees her love for him. Therefore he is torn between his trust that she will tell him whenever she's ready (and judging by her tense expression this won't be tonight) and the need to know what is going on. He decides to steer a middle course.

"I just wanted to drop by on my way home to make sure that you're ok," he offers as an explanation as to why he's here. "You seemed to be a little... stressed out earlier." That's only half the story. He wants to make sure that she's ok. She behaved stressed out. But there are other thoughts flashing through his mind. Why do you behave so differently? What happened several weeks ago when you met Vivian? What happened today that prompted you to jog alone in the park at night? Can I help you? Let me help you...

Emily's facial expression softens and she looks almost guilty, but tries to hide it behind one of her poker faces that are usually not meant for him.

"Yeah, you're right," she admits. "I'm stressed out and needed some time alone. Sorry for the lame excuse. I should have known that you'd understand." He can tell that this is only half the story too. That there is more to this. Her words though are definitely honest, even if she still bottles something up.

They never have been in such a situation before. Two years may sound like a fairly long time, but the truth is that most of the time they are working. So compared to other couples they just don't spend that much time alone and even after two years together there are to this day new situations they have to learn to handle. Like this one. Hotch has to decide whether to confront her here and now or to let it go for tonight, although she is too important to him to let things slide much longer. Sooner or later he will get his answers. But right now he decides not to push her, to let her choose the timing.

Hotch pulls Emily into a brief but tender embrace – always hesitant to show a public exchange of endearment, albeit with her he tends to make exceptions more often. After a kiss and the assurance that yes, they both are tired and will go to sleep soon, she turns around to enter her apartment block. It's only now that Hotch notices that she carries her weapon in an ankle holster and instinctively he grabs her wrist to stop her from walking away, because the gun might add a dangerous dimension to whatever she is not telling him.

"You leave your cell phone in your apartment, but take your gun with you?" he is too surprised and concerned not to ask.

"You were in my apartment?" she seems to be taken aback by this, even if it isn't that extraordinary. He is not anyone after all. Let alone that she answers a question with a question. Avoidance.

"Yes," Hotch confirms, a little indignantly by now, because of her avoidance and – really – what does she expect? "You told me you'd do your laundry and even if it was a pretense, it suggested that you'd be at home tonight. So when you didn't answer your door and didn't answer your phone, I was worried and when I checked your apartment I saw your cell phone there. Explaining why you didn't answer it, not explaining why you didn't take it along in the first place. Especially since you went for a jog in the park. At night." Hotch is aware that this sounds reproachfully and that he just uttered some of the things he didn't want to discuss tonight, but it's too late now. He said it right out in the open.

Moments like this make Emily realize how randomly everything could fall apart. The answer to Hotch's question, why she took the gun along and left the cell phone behind, is as painful as easy, but it is nothing she can tell him just yet. She has to deal with Doyle first and then she will hopefully be able to save her relationship with Hotch. She can't think about other possible options right now, denies herself the devastating thought that it won't work out, that she will lose everything.

Hotch watches her intensely, well aware that she hasn't given him an answer as yet. This is the moment he wanted to elude. For the first time he feels something close to distrust. There is a tight knot in his stomach. What is she hiding?

Emily sees it in his eyes. He makes no attempt to cover up his hurt that she doesn't confide in him. Fear shoots through her veins; the idea of losing him causing her almost physical pain. She can't allow this to happen. Ever. In an instant she closes the small distance between them, takes his hand and squeezes it as if the contact alone is enough to straighten things out.

"Aaron...," she starts and then stops, because she doesn't know what to say. How convince him of the only truth that matters – that she loves him – when she can't tell him about the horrible things she did to him, did to herself basically? How explain anything without telling him about Lauren? Finally she settles for the half-truth. There isn't more she can offer him just yet. "I have to sort some things out, some things from my past. And I'm sorry if I have been distant or even unapproachable during the last weeks. This has nothing to do with us. Please, believe me."

It is the first time she blatantly lies to him, because how can she tell him that it has nothing to do with them, when she has been sleeping with another man for the last months? The fact that it has been her alter ego Lauren sleeping with Ian Doyle lessens the betrayal only a bit. A drop in the ocean. Therefore Emily has a bitter taste in her mouth as soon as the words are out. Guilt. Shame. Her only excuse being that she knows Hotch wouldn't leave tonight if he knew that whatever she isn't talking about concerned their relationship. And she can't risk that he is around her tonight. He usually is restrained and professional. All the same she has learned by now that he changes into his stubborn and dogged twin when it comes to her. And as erotic and attracting it is that she has this effect on him, as dangerous it is in this situation. Once Hotch suspects what is going on, hell will break loose.

He still watches her with an uncomfortable intensity and doesn't react or respond. She knows that look. In an interrogation it is the last warning for the unsub to confess freely. Her pulse rate speeds up, her body temperature rises and despite her poker face Emily is pretty sure that Hotch is about to recognize all the signs that she is lying. Right now only his emotional involvement saves her from being exposed. She touches his face, caresses his cheek. "Hotch..." Although he is Aaron to her these days, whenever it comes to the worst, she falls back on this name that somehow defines him for her. "Please...," she very rarely pleads with him to do something – frankly he can't remember that she has ever done this before. "We're fine!" she assures him and the man in him knows that he believes her against his better judgement; his instincts tell him quite another matter. But he doesn't want to listen to the profiler in him right now, because he wants them to be fine. He loves and trusts her. It's as simple as that.

"It's ok," Hotch takes Emily's hand and kisses it softly. "Tell me whenever you're ready. But don't wait too long. And let me know if I can do anything."

She nods and waits for a moment to make certain that he really means it. "Thanks," she whispers, when she discerns the reassurance in his eyes, and kisses him briefly before she turns around and finally enters her apartment block.

No word about the gun or why she left the cell phone in her apartment, Hotch realizes and the inner calm he felt a few seconds ago starts to fade away. For a heartbeat he considers following and confronting her. Then again this is exactly what he doesn't want to do and Emily Prentiss is not any woman. She can take care of herself and most likely carries the gun just because she realized that it is risky to jog in the park after dusk, but wanted to do it anyway. Like she usually does what she's in the mood for. The disquieting feeling remains though and Hotch has to persuade himself that Emily is safe and sound in her apartment, that he will see her the next morning and that he will hopefully get some answers soon. Even his patience has limits.

From the inside of the building Emily observes how Hotch gets into his car and drives away. It takes all the strength she can muster up not to follow him and confess everything – right here and now. But she reminds herself of a quote that couldn't describe her situation any better and that she clings to desperately. Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets and takes its own punishment in silence. So at least that much is clear. She won't give in to her weakness. Hotch won't pay for her mistakes just because she feels the need to ease herself and confess her secrets. She will find another way to get out of this mess. Whatever punishment life holds for her.


To be continued