'Thought'

"Speech"


Enter Me: The Girl Who Survived

"It seemed like a dream the first time I opened my eyes, it seemed like a dream the second; and yet after all these years, it still seems like a dream.

It never was like reality; always so dramatic, so vivid, so thrilling and bewildering!

No, it was and always will be a dream for me.

A dream that I'm really thankful never ended."


I opened my eyes to a way too bright ceiling of a way too bright room; both of which weren't familiar to me.

My first reaction was to move and get up; but as I tried that, every single muscle of my body protested in the worst way possible and I swore to never try post-blackout sudden movements ever again after that.

As I suffered through the pain with hisses I tried to remember why and how I was in a foreign room with such a sleep-sore body, but my mind only provided fuzzy memories and a dull headache to add to my pain collection.

A white bird-like mask, a blurry old man in weird clothes and a few scenes of the sky were the only things that appeared in front of my eyes, but I couldn't exactly grasp the meaning or memories related to them.

So with my body objecting motion and my mind still somewhat foggy, I did the most logical thing and tried to look around to figure out where I was and see if it triggers any clear memory.

I looked around and found it was a big but plain room where I was in.

The room was painted in the lightest shade of pink and was quite airy with a small balcony attached to it.

There were two wooden doors in the room along with one glass partition that separated the balcony; which was currently covered with pale pink curtains that were flowing gently with the breeze.

A low height horizontal wooden cupboard covered the lower portion of the wall in front of my bed, along with a thin high cabinet and one of the wooden doors, which looked like a bathroom.

A dressing table and a good sized mirror were on the left side of my bed and a small round topped table with two bean-bags on the right.

The other wooden door which seemed like the entrance was on the right adjacent wall from the bed and the glass partition on the left.

All in all, a big yet very simple and homely looking room, I concluded.

After a few more seconds of looking around the room like a brainless zombie and contemplating the pros and cons of movement, I again decided to try my luck and move; but more cautiously this time.

Slowly and carefully I tried to move my right hand; and when the dull cramps receded I raised the arm up, and then repeated the cycle with all the other appendages of my body.

After a small successful in-the-bed PE session, I slowly crept out of the bed and sluggishly padded towards the balcony, which was the only open opening in the room.

With eyes half lidded and brain quite numb, I raised my hands slowly and removed the curtains covering the glass door, getting greeted by a sweet morning breeze and an exceptionally exotic scene.

There was a huge stone cliff on the left side of the balcony, very close to the building I was in.

The humongous cliff had huge stone faces carved on it; like that American monument I couldn't remember the name of, but I was sure the faces here weren't the same ones because I didn't remember any American president looking this ….funky?

After the cliff, from the front of the balcony towards right stretched an exceptionally beautiful and simple looking village, with colorful little buildings and so much greenery; the nature lover side of me almost died with ecstasy.

It was beautiful in a very different sort of way that was definitely not Indian.

The village lounged lazily below me, with a few pedestrians roaming around and birds chirruping from random tree tops; the sun spreading its early morning warmth over the horizon and the sweet morning breeze flowing gently past me.

It really was beautiful, and for a second I stopped all thought processes to just absorb the view.

But it ended all too soon because the restlessness of not knowing how and where I was, was too overwhelming.

The place in front of me was too foreign, too exotic and too silent for being my city Varanasi; or even India altogether.

India, Bharat, Aryavrat[1]; the second most populated country in the world was anything but silent!

And to top it all up, Varanasi; one of the oldest cities in the world was NEVER this quiet.

From selling your goods, to praying to your God, everything in Banaras[2] was vocalized

Even the villages and jungles of Varanasi echoed with the chants and ruckus of its famous Ghats.

And the village below me was just too silent, even in the morning hours, to get qualified for being from anywhere in or even near India; two-three adjacent countries from all borders included.

I was quite sure after that that I wasn't near home anymore, but where was I, and more importantly HOW I was there was still a mystery.

I ransacked my brain harder and this time came up with more fuzzy memories of people running around, a blurry figure getting enveloped in smoke, loud chattering in gibberish, that old man, that white mask and some more scenes of sky with a black line across it.

As the scenes kept on coming, the feelings related to them also started to return with full force.

Anxiety, fear, shock and pain returned back to me as I finally remembered memories of a TV broadcast and conversations in a non-native language.

'The world ENDED, I SURVIVED and appeared in another UNIVERSE!'

And the worst of all…

'It was not a dream!'

Like a dam let open, one by one all the memories of everything that happened that day attacked me with the force of a Tsunami and I couldn't control the tears rolling down my cheeks silently.

I was an eleven year old child in an unknown place of an unknown world with nowhere to go and no one to call my own. It was scary!

I was so alone and I wasn't used to it!

Everything I had just a few days ago was now gone forever.

My family, my home, my school, city, country, world EVERYTHING!

From just another girl-next-door I became the WORST kind of homeless anyone can ever be.

And I was so, SO SCARED!

And alone!

And heartbroken because I never got a chance to appreciate everything I had and now all of it was gone FOREVER and I would NEVER get to see my mother again waking me up at the break of dawn, NEVER get to stroll with my father to the Ghats, to see my class room one more time before leaving; to live, breathe, ABSORB as much of my city, my country, my life before some black line take it all away from me in a blink of an eye!

I was ruined and the worst part was that ONLY I was ruined.

Of all the millions and billions only I survived; it was only me who fell from the sky into this world alone, and I wasn't even sure if it was a blessing or a punishment.

Survivor's guilt or just pure fear; whatever it was, it just pushed more and more tears to fall from my eyes, more and more sobs shook my small frame.

Unable to support me anymore, my legs gave away and I fell on my knees, crying desperately for how many things even I didn't know!

It felt like hours for which I sat there on the balcony crying my heart out, calling for my mother in between the sobs for the first time since I was five.

I needed her to come there and just hug me and make every problem go away, like mothers always do!

I was an utter mess of emotions huddled in a corner of the balcony; soaking my borrowed clothes with tears, when I felt a warm hand being placed on my head.

I looked up through my tear splashed lashes in hope of seeing my mother's face but found the old man, whom I remembered was Hokage looking down at me with pained eyes full of sympathy.

The shattering of my hope was almost audible.

Still I tried to stop and rub off my tears, to control my emotions in front of him but he stopped me from doing so.

"Being a lone survivor can be hard; especially in your case. And I know you feel devastated and that I'll never be able to understand your pain, but let me tell you that crying your heart out to someone feels better. I'm here if you want someone to talk to my child... And even if you don't, just crying your grief out lessens a lot of pain." he spoke gently and slid down to sit beside me on the floor.

He confirmed my gut instinct that I was the 'lone survivor', the only one left of my world; but that wasn't what pushed another batch of hot tears trail down my cheek.

No.

It was that he wanted to help.

Someone wanted to help; someone wanted to give their human presence, whether however other worldly, to me!

He wasn't my mother or family or even from my world, but it didn't matter. In that moment I just needed someone alive to ground me to reality, and he offered to become that anchor.

I was an alien for him; an unwanted intruder into his world and still he was bothering to sit beside me and listen to me cry messily.

It touched my heart.

Never in my whole life had anyone; even my own parents ever bothered to know how my life was, how I was feeling, if I want to talk or lighten my heart.

They were always busy earning, maintaining the home, providing me a comfortable life to ever bother about little things like my daily life and such.

Unless it wasn't something serious like a disease I was never asked how I feel.

It wasn't like my parents or family didn't love me, it was just that they didn't know how to raise a single child.

They both had many siblings and cousins of their own age to grow up with throughout their childhood; they just didn't understand that I didn't.

But all that aside, I wasn't really used to of people telling me that they were there to listen if I want to lighten my heart.

And maybe that was why the old man's words touched me so much, and I was already too emotional to get paranoid so I opened my heart out.

Yes, it was childish of me to believe someone so easily when he might have been doing this just to get information out of me; but that was what I was, a child.

Not some secret-agent or soldier with training and paranoia pumped into their veins.

I was just an eleven year old child, from whom her whole WORLD was taken away without any warning or preparation; I wasn't raised for all this!

I cried silently for some more time after his sympathetic offer, and then suddenly out of nowhere started to croak out my heart in as much broken Japanese as I could muster in that distressed condition.

"I-I… I yelled at my parents that day for being overly protective and never allowing me to live my life my way.

Insane rumors were going on everywhere, and I was stressed and couldn't control my emotions. I didn't mean to shout at them, I didn't know THIS would happen! I didn't even get the chance to tell them I'm sorry…" I said and then bit my lips to gain some control.

"I didn't get a chance to tell them that I loved them with all their inexperience and over-protectiveness!

I…. I couldn't even say good bye; or tell my mother that she was beautiful, or tell my father that I loved it when he would take me to the Ghats every single day despite weather or work…

I never got to tell them that I didn't really mind their remarks on me being too silent or unsocial; interacting more with nature than my own family...

Heh… I was the youngest of my generation in my family… always the youngest, out of age from all my cousins. I didn't know about the old family jokes and stories, so I remained silent in all the gatherings; listening instead. I always enjoyed listening more than talking… But my family, they-they would always take my silence as my disinterest, and now I won't be able to tell them that it wasn't! That I just loved them SO MUCH more than I showed! They were the ones whom I belonged to!"

"They…. would always say I was too shy, too sheltered and introverted to survive in the outside world alone... Heh hehehe…." I laughed hysterically through the tears before continuing.

" A-and now, now I'm alone in an outside UNIVERSE! How-how can they leave me alone NOW? When they knew I was unable to live alone even in my own city, how can they leave me alone in a new WORLD, all by myself?

Me; their only daughter, youngest niece, baby sister whom they saw grow up in front of their own eyes! They, who never allowed me to go outside, never allowed me to enjoy the rain, never allowed me to do anything thinking I'd get hurt; now that I'm here WHY AREN'T THEY?" I hiccuped and tried to restrain my emotions as continued.

"All the history that I never acknowledged, all the people I never tried to know, all the places I wanted to go… there was so much left to do, so much left unsaid!

It is just not fair to leave me behind with all these regrets! A-as if my whole life there was just made of wishes I never bothered about, things I never bothered to say! I-I don't even deserve to live when they all died…

What did I do so great that I should have survived instead of… I don't know, Malala? Nelson Mandela? Or that old woman who lived two streets away who turned her whole house into a shelter to help homeless widows! They should have survived not me, who did nothing but sit in front of Animal Planet and Cartoon Network all day!

I-I should have died! Like them, instead of them, I should have died!

I-I feel so guilty… and… and incomplete… and already SO DEAD…. I feel so hollow and alone, it hurts... It hurts SO MUCH! Just what is the freaking meaning of surviving like this!" I yelled crying harder than before.

It was so messed up, I was so messed up that a part of me wanted the old man to just kill me there and end the pain already.

There were just too many emotions and life wasn't supposed to be this complicated all of a sudden!

Silence enveloped us for some time after my outbreak. Neither I nor the old man said a thing, and only my sobs broke through the quiet.

Then suddenly the hand on my head got firm as the old man started in a slightly shaking voice.

"…Life always has a meaning to it child. Even if it hurts a lot, even when it seems too hopeless, too useless to live; life always has a meaning. I know it hurts and I know you feel too hollow, too tired to live, and the pain seems unbearable but believe me, with time the pain will lessen. It always does.

It will never fully leave. No. But it will become bearable and turn into a dull ache eventually; a reminder that you are still alive, still human. Believe me."

"Bu-but what is the use of living now? Do I even deserve living, when all of those died why should I live?" I asked trying to hold back my tears.

"Ending your life would be like wasting an opportunity to show how much you care about them all. It would be a disrespect of all their lives actually, because you get another chance at life when all those people of your world didn't and what did you do, end it? Isn't it disrespecting them and their lives?

If you would have been in their place and one of them here, wouldn't you want them to live for your sake also? Or would you want them to go destroy the last left part of your Universe?

Everyone has regrets and unfinished wishes in their life child; and I'm sure those people of your world also had… and now as they have lost their chance to fulfill them; to live and dream, it's your duty being the only person who hasn't, to live and dream for their sake also.

You are now your whole universe… you represent all those people, their every dream and expectation from life; live for them. Don't let weak emotions ruin their last chance at living, be worthy of their lives." He finished with an unreadable emotion in his old eyes and the silence again enveloped us as I thought about it all while vainly rubbing off tears from my face, replacing them with new ones within a second.

He was right in a way.

Acknowledging all that I lost by living for them seemed to be a right decision; so poetic and heroic and easy in theory. But it seemed impossible to me at that time, in that depressed state.

Being able to breathe, being able to live again seemed so unbearable when I felt half dead already!

And to top it all up there was the heavy burden of carrying all those uncountable dreams and existence with me.

How was I to carry that when I didn't even know where to begin again with life?

Heck, I wasn't even sure if I knew how to begin living again.

And to top that up I was homeless; in the most literal meaning of the sentence.

Even if I wanted to begin again, what could I do in this new world?

While I was going through this new internal turmoil; like reading through my mind, the old man begin again.

"I know you must be thinking 'How do I begin, and that also in a new world?'. Well don't worry yourself anymore. You can start again here; Konoha can give you a new home if you want."

I looked up at him on this, shock apparent on my face.

"What?" was the only thing that came out of my mouth in between all the raging thoughts and emotions.

He was ready to give me refuge?

The old man merely messed my hair with his hand and replied while laughing.

"Hahaha… that matter has been quite solved already. I have discussed it with the village council and they have come to a decision… You have been the only person to survive from your world and as you have fallen into our village and do not pose any threat to us, you are our responsibility now… So you'd be allowed to live here among us, but with an agreement."

"Konoha will accept you as a citizen if you vow of eternal loyalty to it, as you had for your own country. We will not force our culture and religion on you, but you have to accept our way of living. We are shinobi, warriors; we fight and even sacrifice our lives for what we love and believe. Even though you are not going to be a ninja yourself; with your lack of chakra and previous training being the reason, you will have to sacrifice things in your life here, for the sake of our people, country and world. Do you agree to this condition?" he ended in a serious tone.

Even though I didn't really have any other choice, I still pondered about his offer with shock.

These people were ready to accept me even when I wasn't from their Universe.

That was more than enough to gain my loyalty. And for sacrifices, they are a part of life and I had accepted them long ago in my world; even though I didn't know what things I'll have to sacrifice in my path of life here, it was still an agreeable offer in front of my then current state.

I thought about it some more and made my decision.

I looked at the old man with a confidence I thought I wasn't born with and replied "I agree to all your conditions. I will be devoted to this land as I was to my mother land and I accept your way of living and all the sacrifices I will have to do. I give my word…"

The old man smiled at me with a genuine smile, got up and said "Well then, I Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Third Hokage of Konohagakure officially declare you as a citizen of our village, and our country Land of Fire. You now belong to Konoha, Keshh-Keswa-ni Nid-ddi…" he lost track stuttering over my name.

I held his outstretched hand and said while getting up "Nidhi is my first name and Kesarvani, my last. But you can officially call me 'Ned'; it would be easy to pronounce for all."

A weak smile playing across my features for the first time since that strange line appeared in my world last morning, which seemed like ages ago.

This was a new beginning; true to all meanings of that phrase.


AN- Edited on 21 May 2017

[1] - Ancient name for India

[2] - Another name of the city of Varanasi

Thank you for reading! :))