Disclaimer: I do not own Legend Of Zelda

Sidekick Mayhem: Chapter Three

"Haha! Looks like you have to walk all the way back up to that door at the top!" laughed Midna.

Wolf-Link growled at her.

"Yey! Linky's a puppy!" squealed Navi as she started petting Link on the head.

"Yeah, would you like a bone little doggy? I could plant a nuke bomb in it if you want some...flavour." said Midna with a smirk.

A few growls from Link and rodeo-like fight later, Midna finally agreed to turn Link back to normal.

"Okay! Okay! You lunatic!" yelled Midna as wolf-Link attempted to chew off her ponytail.

Link sighed as he changed back to normal.

"Hello fingers." he said lovingly.

Midna broke out laughing.

"What?" asked Link.

"Nothing." she replied, still smiling.

"She stole your Sailcloth." sighed Tatl.

Link lunged at the imp, who teleported to the top of the spiral.

"Come get me now sucker!" she yelled down at Link.

"Give it back!" cried Link, "Zelda gave it to me!"

"Oooh, who's this Zelda? Is she your girlfriend?" asked Midna mockingly.

Link's face went bright red with embarrassment and anger and tore up the spiral to Midna. Midna smirked and held open the parachute. When Link reached the top, he ended up barrelling straight into the Sailcloth, tangling himself up in it.

"I hate up so much right now." he growled as he attempted to untangle his foot from the parachute.

They were saved from any more injuries by the rock that had previously been blocking a door disappearing.

"Where did my pet rock go?!" wailed Navi.

"Aw," said Midna, "I probably could have blown that rock up!"

Tatl rolled her eyes and squeezed through the crack in the door.

"In you go, govenor!" said Midna, shoving Link towards the door.

"How am I supposed to open that thing?! It's a freaking gigantic slab of rock!" asked Link incredulously.

Midna sighed, pulled out a rocket-launcher from out of nowhere and blasted the door open.

"Thanks." said Link.

"No problem, dumbass." said Midna.

Link frowned and walked through the gaping hole where the door used to be.

Inside was a temple-like area with light streaming through the cracks in the ceiling. A strange statue shaped like a bird was off the the left and a slouched figure sat at the top of a set of stone stairs.

"Who is it?!" yelled the figure, "I'm not selling anything today! So if you're looking for those AK-7's of yours, come back tomorrow!"

"Um, actually not looking for weapons." said Link.

"I am!" called Midna.

"Well, if you're not looking for weapons, get off my lawn!" yelled the figure.

"Er, there is no lawn." said Link.

"You kids think you know everything! Why, in my day, kids respected their elders! And their lawns!"

"Yeah, and let me guess. In your day women still had no rights and the country was ruled under a monarchy." said Midna sarcastically.

The figure pulled out a notebook and began messily scrawling things down.

"Country...to...be...ruled...under...monarchy." they said as they wrote.

"So, can you tell me where Zelda is?" asked Link.

"Only if I get something in return! That's how we did it in my day! Bargaining for goods!"

Midna mimed hanging herself as the figure rambled on, much to the disapproval of Tatl.

"Well, what do you like?"

"Oh yeah, like I'd tell YOU!"

"Hey, Fi! A little help?" asked Link.

Fi, happy to finally get a role in this chapter, flew out of Link's sword and swooped over to the figure.

"Gender: Female. Name: Impa. Likes: Spaghetti sauce and jelly beans, together."

"Hey Impa! I'll give you jelly beans covered in spaghetti sauce if you tell me where the hell Zelda is!" said Link.

"Hmm, seems good enough. Very well, Zelda is..."

"Yes?" said Link.

"Is..."

"Yes?!"

Then, Impa died.

"That little shit!" yelled Midna.

"Well, you can't really blame someone for bushing up daisies." said Tatl.

"Ooh! Can I help plant daisies too?" asked Navi.

Tatl face-palmed.

Suddenly, Impa coughed and lifted her head.

"Oh, I guess she wasn't dead." said Link.

Impa cleared her throat and continued.

"Zelda is in Faron Woods." she said.

"No shit Sherlock! We're already here!" said Midna.

"No, you're in the Sealed Grounds." said Impa.

"Wait, does that mean...Fi actually got a fact wrong?!" said Link.

Inside the sword, Fi turned bright red and hid under a pile of blankets.

"So, where IS she in Faron Woods?" asked Link.

"Oh, probably in some temple deep in the woods. And it's probably heavily guarded by monsters ready to rip your flesh off your bones." said Impa casually.

"Awesome!" said Midna while Link's knees started knocking together.

"Anyways, where's my payment?" asked Impa.

"Oh, that, well..."

"Link doesn't have it." said Midna.

"What?!" shrieked Impa.

"Er, how about an 'I Owe You'?" said Link.

"Get out! Get out!" shrieked Impa.

The companions ran as fast as they could out a door to their right as Impa began chucking jars at their heads.

"Whew! That was a close one!" gasped Tatl.

"Where did they glass rain go? I wanted to see a rainbow!" said Navi.

Fi flew out of the sword again, still glowing bright red.

"Faron Woods." she said before disappearing again.

"Hopefully it isn't inhabited by any innocent creatures, 'cause I want to blow this place sky-high!" said Midna, "Oh, who am I kidding? I'd still blow it up!"

"Midna! You can't blow up any part of the woods until we find Zelda!" cried Link.

Midna pouted, "Fine."

Suddenly, they heard a feminine scream in the distance.

"Zelda!" exclaimed Link, and he dashed in the direction of the sound.

"Wow, Zelda sounds like a sissy." said Midna, before she and the two fairies flew after Link.

They didn't have to go far before they found him, his jaw dropped and face contorted in a mixture of shock and disappointment. It seems that the girly shriek had come from a Goron. A male Goron.

Tatl and Midna burst out laughing while Navi started singing nursery rhymes at the top of her tiny lungs.

The Goron was surrounded by a group of Bokoblins and was motioning frantically for Link to come and save him.

"Screw him!" said Midna, and she teleported Link and the two fairies further into the woods.

"Midna! That...thing was in trouble!" said Link.

"Yeah, and I also don't give a shit." she replied.

"Teddy bears!" squealed Navi, pointing to a creature in front of her.

"What the FUCK IS THAT?!" yelled Midna as she spotted the creature Navi was pointing at.

The creature lifted its head and stood up.

"I am a Kikwi! The masters of disguise!" it said, "Will you help me find my kin?"

"Fuck no!" yelled Midna before teleporting them yet again.

"Midna! Stop doing that!" yelled Link.

"Sorry." huffed the imp.

"Where are we?" asked Tatl staring up at the stone building in front of them.

"Master! This is Skyview Temple. There is a good chance that Zelda is inside." said Fi.

"Well, I guess this is the temple that old lady told us about." said Link.

"Yeah, before she tried to give us concussions." said Midna sarcastically.

"Oh boy! Maybe this will be like the game Temple Run!" said Navi excitedly.

"Er, Navi? I think you just broke the fourth wall." said Tatl.

"A wall! Where?!" asked Navi, flying around in search of the 'wall'.

"Do I have to go in there?" gulped Link.

"Obviously." said Midna in a Snape-like voice.

Suddenly, Navi flew back over to Link with something in her hands.

"Mr. Linky, sir! Is this the wall?" she asked, holding up a slingshot.

"No, but it might be useful. Thanks Navi!" he said, giving the fairy a pat on where he assumed her head was. He then loaded the slingshot and aimed it at Midna.

"Hey what are you...Ow!" yelped Midna as Link shot a seed at her eye.

"That was for turning me into a wolf!" he said.

"Wow Link, you're still mad about that? Gosh, you're almost as bad as Zant when I stole his Barbie doll and burned off all of her hair!"

Link blinked, "I'm not going to ask."

"Come on Mr. Linky!" said Navi, pulling on his tunic, "Let's go find a soul mate for Mr. Blinky!"

Midna smirked, "Still not going to ask?"

Link sighed, "Nope."