Disclaimer: I do not own the characters I'm using. This is for fun; like seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

A/N: Jane finally gets her 'revenge' on Maura for her T.V. viewing standards or does she? Btw, the Jane POV is on tap for ultimate (and probably borderline offensive) laughs.


_Bring The Pain: Episode 3_


I wonder if Maura recognized the 'Jaws' theme music before the plane's tail skimmed through those straight up fake cotton ball-looking clouds. Opening titles one and done at least Maura knows the name of the movie since I withheld that while I was wrangling her into watching this with me. I settle in and try to get as comfortable I can; meaning beer in hand. Maura on the other hand hasn't thrown perfect posture viewing out the window yet-it takes a while before she lets herself go.

'Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.'

I chuckle at the movie and at Maura's slightly contorted face. I convinced her to watch this movie with me after dinner instead of her unloading some of her DVR'd shows on me. I take a quick swig of my beer and put it down on a coaster on the table. Honestly, I wasn't brought up in barn and I do actually have manners that aren't activated by someone giving me shit about my lack of.

"Why are they making sexual innuendos about unloading in zones? And what's funny about suggesting an abortion?"

I snigger and just leave Maur's questions unanswered because the movie is just getting started. Oh man, that sad sack of a taxi driver and his little stewardess romance makes me laugh and then want to vomit. But then again this whole damn movie causes laughter for the most part and never mind it was made before there was such a thing as 'politically correct'. God, I love the titles of the magazines that the airport carries in this movie. 'Dominant Females' and 'Box' cracks me up every time.

"Jane, what's 'whacking material'?"

"Really?" I say before I laugh so hard I fuckin' snort. "Okay, um...they're magazines that guys usually buy to masturbate to which I believe is the clinical term. There are several slang terms and 'whacking off' is just one of them."

Maura just smirks and turns her full attention back to the screen. I wonder if I should tell her some of the female versions like 'rub one out' or my person favorite 'jilling off'.

"Jane, they literally have mayonnaise and a beating heart at their Mayo clinic."

I figured the literal humor in this movie would either make Maura laugh or just force her to add her own brand of literal that would make me laugh even harder. I slap my leg and snort-laugh again at the 'give me ham and hold the mayo' line.

"A smoking boarding pass?" Maura says and just the sound of her voice all jumped up with how ridiculous this movie is making me all shiny happy people. "I don't understand how this is funny? Smoking in an oxygen rich environment like an airplane just isn't feasible no matter what decade it is."

Fuck me, I'm going to have a heart attack from laughter! My side is starting to hurt. I love fucking with Maura and truthfully her being so literal is what's so funny about her. I lean back in the sofa enough so I can pull my shirt out of its nice and proper tucked in look. I was too damn tired to change out of my work clothes. I figured I would make getting undressed a one-time deal today.

"This movie is tragically dated and the fashion in it is horrible." Maura says in that bored tone she gets sometimes and then after a couple of seconds she shifts on the sofa again. "Why are they putting subtitles opposite to what those African American men are saying?"

It's a good thing I put my beer down on the coffee table or I would be doing spit-takes all night. Maura so wouldn't like that shit all over her hundred percent organic or some such shit, expensive ass coffee table.

"This was the best that 1980 had to offer Maur and I'll have you know that it was voted one of the ten funniest movies ever made." I reply trying not to laugh through my explanation too much. "And the movie will tell you about the subtitles in time."

I love how that boarding pass is still smoking but they go and ruin it with that lame shit, lovey-dovey music. It's no wonder why everyone Striker sits beside wants to off themselves.

"Jane, that's not the way high risk medical patients are transported."

Shit, it's just eleven minutes into the movie and I don't know if I can go another eighty-minutes with Dr. Isles as my co-pilot. But I can manage because the entrance of Dr. Rumack-who walks around with his stethoscope in his ears and a speculum in hand-makes the whole movie what it is.

"I always thought that part was so gay." I say after the vomit inducing bullshit 1940's train station cheese dick goodbye couple exchange hugs at the bottom of the stairs to the plane. "And before you say anything I mean gay as in stupid; not in a homosexual derogatory related way."

Maura eyes me thoughtfully but then shrugs. I keep up with the hip and not so hip terms. I know I'm old but I'm not a fuckin' dinosaur.

"The pilots all have names that are or sound like signs-offs." Maura says with a detectable hint of humor in her voice. "I find that somewhat clever but also sophomoric."

I chuckle while reaching for my beer. I take a swig and its piss warm and all that's left is foamy dregs so I put it back on the coaster.

"Oh Jane, that nun reading a 'Boy's Life' reminds me of the time when we ran into one of your former Catholic school teachers at a bar. Do you remember what we caught her reading."

I smirk because it didn't shock me to learn that Sister Winifred was hiding some inner freakness under her angry half habit.

"I wasn't surprised it was a 'mommy porn' romance novel." I say with a chuckle. "She probably loves reading shit like: "And then Reginald put his gargantuan throbbing manhood into Shelia's needy and quivering love pudding'."

Maura laughs but then I feel a sharp pinch on my bicep. I turn sideways a little and lightly slap her hand away.

"Stop it, before you miss out on the old lady talking about hot young women."

"What?"

"Ah, and here we are at my least favorite part of the movie. How the two lovebirds met." I say while slouching back down in the sofa. I hate being out of my comfort zone. "I mean look at it. It's by far the gayest shit to ever gay."

I can see her frown in my peripheral vision and wait for it...another damn pinch lands on me. In the same damn spot on my arm.

"I swear one of these days I'm going to report you for spousal abuse."

Maura purses her lips for a few seconds but then she redirects her attention back to the movie playing out on the screen. She's wearing a deep blue silk button up tonight and damn it if I've ever seen her wear a color that doesn't flatter her. I swear we're siting so close together we probably look like conjoined twins to a window peeper.

"Those two children are the most mature individuals on that airplane."

"That's the point." I say with a smirk because the best part is coming and she's right about those kids but in a completely different way. Then the sight of Maura when the little girl says she likes her coffee 'black like her man' I can barely stand it. Maura's mouth is hanging open.

"Oh come on, I know you liked that one."

Maura rolls her eyes at me and then crosses her legs. I think one of the reasons she wears those pencil skirts is to torture me. The leather one nearly makes me have a heart attack when I watch her walk away. I inhale sharply and focus back on the movie. The stewardess is having her 'From Here to Eternity' flashback sequence. It was always my dearest wish that the surf would drown those two love sickening bitches but that never happens.

"Normally, I fast forward through this part." I say as the stewardess and her wartime pilot are covered in seaweed and gaze longingly at each other. Vomit! "Since it never fails to make me throw up in my mouth a little."

Maura looks at me and chuckles before settling back into watching the movie. The movie plays on and I get drawn into it to a point that had Maura's warmth not been plastered beside me I might have forgotten she was even there. But I don't expect her quiet to last with the next scene coming up.

"The man playing the co-pilot just broke character, Jane!"

"That's the point."

Another few minutes go by and...

"Why is the pilot being lewd to that little boy?"

"That's the point." I say since that's my default answer. I will not make this easy for her, the jokes don't play that hard to get. "It's called a 'cock-pit' and that's an easy joke for anybody with only half a dirty mind."

Maura chuckles, uncrosses her legs and then reaches down to remove the 'fuck-me-skyscrapers' footwear she wore today. To keep from paying too much attention to Maura I actually make myself watch the stupid little scene on the screen. I want to strangle that wet drip of a stewardess every single time she opens her mouth, except when she calmly talks about sitting on her favorite wartime pilot's face.

"I can't believe she just said that, Jane!"

"Yeah, girlfriend likes sitting on her man friend's face. So what?"

"How is this different from more obvious sexual situations that we've watched?"

"Because this makes fun of it, Maur."

Maura asking questions for a change instead of Googling the hell out of everything is exactly one of the many reactions I was hoping for. But there's still another half hour or so left of the movie and I don't want to explain all the jokes. That just takes the fun out of it-for me. But I can always count on the movie to keep it funny. I throw my head back and laugh at the stewardess and her idea of a cute little apartment with mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom-no surprise mousey voice is a sexaholic. I chuckle and so does Maura. We both have dirty minds but I would wager my prized Ted Williams signed baseball against anybody that Maura's is filthier.

"That flight attendant has a lovely voice." Maura says with an appreciative head tilt. "Also she doesn't look quite so dated as everyone else in the film. Her hair style alone is one that is fashionable now."

I have to say that the blonde flight attendant is better looking too. But I'll keep that tid bit to myself.

"Thank you fashion police." I say while unbuttoning the third button on my shirt. I plan on getting really comfortable and providing a certain someone with temptation. "And clearly this movie also feels the urge to make fun of musicals."

Maura chuckles and finally the main reason I've watched this movie several times arrives. I love Leslie Nielsen. That scene in 'The Naked Gun' where he's charged with 'assault with a concrete dildo' nearly kills me every single time. But right now it's his character of Dr. Rumack's and his diagnosis is the reason Maura is covering her mouth and shaking her head while the pilot farts until he passes out. But really I lose control and laugh like an ass when the breasts jiggling like jello fills up our fifty-two inch screen. The real money shot coming up is when my favorite stewardess blows the autopilot. Maura's gasp at the smiling, bobbing autopilot's head is priceless. I have to cover my mouth to hold in my laugh; she's so distracted by the movie the questions and or observations have stopped again.

While the stewardess and 'Otto' are having a smoke after some good and life-saving oral sex, I reach down and pull my boots off so I can prop my feet up on the coffee table. Putting my footwear on the table is a big no go.

"And don't call me Shirley!" I mimic after Leslie's character while I slouch back on the sofa and prop my feet up. "I love that shit!"

Maura laughs at the literal doctor too. After a few more minutes the scene where the subtitles are explained is here. This should be good because of who I'm watching this with.

"There is no language I'm aware of that's called 'jive'?" Maura says and I snigger until my chest hurts. "Although, I get the joke that a white woman would know the non-existent language since one of the many consistent jokes in this movie is a Caucasian woman's desire for an African American male."

I have tears in my eyes! I can't breathe! That was so worth the wait. Sometimes a good movie gets better when you find someone to make it even more fun. The movie is almost over and of course Striker had to be pep talked into nutting up. I bump into Maura's shoulder when she laughs at Striker grabbing the blow-up doll to yank it out of his pilot's seat, after he put it there himself to fly the plane.

"Jane, it's rather funny how the inflatable doll can operate the plane so smoothly."

"I know."

Maura chuckles again, "Striker just misspoke a common colloquialism like I do sometimes."

I knew Maura would like this movie once she got used to the humor. She adapted to my humor after all. But I'm kinda disappointed that she hasn't launched into a nerd powered, fact-finding dissertation on the sheer ridiculousness of the plot.

"Are we to assume that the man in the control room who just fled with the others to the tower while shouting: 'Rapunzel' is gay?"

"Yeah." I reply in a drawn out sigh. "And they meant it in the homosexual kind of way. Not the slang term I told you about which means 'stupid'. And if that wasn't enough your final confirmation about Johnny just happened since he insulted that chick's ensemble."

Maura's chuckles and I can tell she's on the same page as Johnny in regards to that woman's dress. She would tell her it blows too. Maybe not with those exact words though. The movie rolls on and there's so many top notch one-liners, but my favorite Johnny contribution near the end is: 'Auntie Em! It's a twister, it's a twister!' That shit gets me every time during the fucked up landing bit. The only difference this time around is I'm laughing so hard this is the first time I've ended up laying across someone's lap. In fact I'm still laughing when the sphincter clenching music comes up to signal that the end has finally arrived.

"So what's the verdict?" I ask playfully while shifting to lay on my back. Maura looks down at me and those eyes land on the undone third button before tracking up to my face. I bat my eyelashes at her. "Do you feel as though you were robbed of the last eighty-five minutes of your life? Too many dirty jokes or was the nudity too much for you? What about McCroskey's inability to quit any of his many addictions; smoking, drinking, drugs and glue sniffing?"

Maura smiles at me, "For a disaster spoof comedy I found it highly enjoyable." She says as she turns the flat screen off with a flick of the remote which she always hide-hogs. "Why haven't you suggested that we watch it before? But having said that I still can't understand why Striker keeps having fantasies about World War 2 when the film takes place and is clearly set in 1980?"

I laugh and attempt to haul my carcass off Maura's lap but she pushes me back down. She chuckles and then I feel her hands in my hair. Every time I leave my hair down she ends up playing with it. I don't mind of course but it puts me to sleep on average about roughly ninety-percent of the time and while I'm tired I'm not exactly sleepy.

"I don't know why Striker does that." I reply while looking up at Maura. "But my best assumption is it's a part of the satire because the movie doesn't take itself seriously and...Oh my God, I just sounded like you!"

I did that on purpose and the result that followed was what I wanted-a musical laugh but a too short kiss. Maura pulls away from me and her hair is like a curtain hiding us both from prying eyes. This has been such a fun night and I think my revenge was pretty damn tasty. If I wanted to be a bitch about getting payback I would've had to find some sex robot movie where they went around saying: 'Protocol demands we copulate!' I giggle at my own thoughts for a second while I gaze into Maura's eyes like the 'Sally McSappy' she's made me into.

"Did you know that today is inappropriate Wednesday?" I ask with a smirk. But before Maura can ask me to clarify I throw in an arched eyebrow all smarmy style and say. "It's hump day."

_END_


Soundtrack: "Italian Leather Sofa" by Cake

A/N 2: I hope everyone feels the need to rewatch the very anti-P.C. 'Airplane!' now. Only without the Jane-Lo commentary I supplied of course. I have one more one-shot up my sleeve to go for this so stay tuned for that.