Song: Revelry- Kings of Leon
Pairing: Charlie/Neil
Rated: T for minor language and slightly mature subject matter
Charlie loved Neil. He had never been the type of person who formed solid and true emotional bonds but Christ, he had loved Neil.
He was his best friend, his lover, his other half, his everything. It had always been Neil. Always. From the time that they'd met, every single beat of his heart had been for Neil. It was a rhythm so ingrained, he couldn't escape it. He couldn't stop it or change it or let it beat for someone else. It just continued right along like nothing had changed. Ne-il. Ne-il.
Neil had been the only good thing he'd ever had in his life and now he was gone. Every jagged pulse of a heartbeat was just one more constant reminder and each one just ached and taunted him and made it impossible to think of anything else.
He wonders if things would be different if he had been different. He wonders if it would have been enough to save him.
He knew he'd never been good enough. He'd never been what Neil had deserved or should have had. Every moment he had spent with Neil had been precious and perfect but he had never escaped the desire for something more.
His demons had trumped all.
He never wanted to fall in love. He wanted to be young and free and careless. He pushed Neil aside- jerked him around and toyed with him like some kind of puppet on a string while he quenched his lust for debauchery. Neil never said a word, never once batted an eye. He waited and was patient and the thought of that alone causes Charlie's stomach to roll with disgust.
His demons are all he has.
It's raining; pelting his flushed face with stinging drops that wash away the tears Charlie doesn't bother to hold back anymore. The wind is sharp but Charlie doesn't notice. The few rays of moonlight streaming in through the forestry are pale and dull and though they make it hard to see, Charlie doesn't care because he doesn't want to see. The woods haven't changed but they're incomplete and they're filled with memories that he can't even bear to think of.
Charlie pushes his way through the brush and the wayward branches, stumbling and tripping as he runs on like a stream seeking the end of its path. He's tired and he doesn't want to do this anymore. He doesn't want to have to struggle to stay numb and fight back the nightmares that lurk in the shadows of his mind.
He can drink and smoke and eventually, he doesn't hurt. He tries not to be sober- doesn't want to be sober. He doesn't want to come down and face his loss. He just can't do that anymore.
He can still hear Neil's voice calling for him and he can still see his smiling face and a scream of frustration and pain tears its way from Charlie's throat when the memories flood his mind. He can't fucking do this anymore.
He sinks down onto his knees in front of the mouth of the cave where they spent so much time and he digs his hands into the muddy earth, squeezing it between his fingers as he sobs- rejecting yet trying to hold onto the memories. The one thing he has left.
Charlie closes his eyes and draws in a shuddering breath, waiting for that peaceful click in his brain that'll come when the alcohol begins to dull his senses and blanket his thoughts.
The guilt tends to fade first and the sense of loss will follow. He won't feel much later on but feeling nothing is better than actually feeling something. The tears will taper off and he'll be able to go on somewhat normally, if only for a little while.
Regaining composure, he slowly stands and lets the dirt slip from between his fingers in the same way he's let everything else go. Like he does every night, he runs his hand across the rock and manages to crack a wry smile, letting the three words he could never say tumble past his lips.
"I love you."
