Christmas Blues

"Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer-"

She had to fight the urge not to scoff at the Peanuts singing out their holiday cheer as she sat on her couch in boy shorts and a sports bra. The heat in her apartment was turned on high to fight the Ohio coldness and Santana was guzzling down some special eggnog she'd made, non-alcoholic of course.

There were a couple more years left on her probation and so far so good. Her officer even said she might get off early for good behavior.

As she watched Charlie Brown go and hunt out the true meaning of Christmas, Santana practically swallowed an oatmeal raisin cookie whole. Brittany had stopped by with the yellow duck and a big container full of the delicious treats with a holiday card from the Pierces. She threw the card in the trash where the rest of them were once Brittany left and began her eating assault on them.

It was official…she was suffering from the Christmas Blues.

Everything in her life was good as far as family, school, and work was concerned.

Her personal life was in the crapper.

She had broken up with Sage a little over a year ago and it still sucked, especially now.

A part of her still loved the girl and another part of her wanted to yell, scream, and fight Sage. Trying not to care anymore was a lot harder than she'd anticipated; harder than being on probation, harder than going to jail, harder than dealing with the consequences of her poor decisions and almost as hard as burying her family members. Sage had become her everything that last year of high school but Santana vowed to herself (and Marissa) that she would never make that mistake again. Being in love shouldn't be as hard as it was for them. Loving someone should be easy. Of course some pain would be involved, that's just life, but it shouldn't feel like her heart was being ripped out of her chest and being wounded and stomped on.

The peanuts were now decorating Charlie Brown's poor excuse for a Christmas tree, when the bell rang out in her apartment. Santana looked towards the door and sighed. She'd already told her mom and dad, she needed some time to herself to gather her thoughts and the Corcoran household was just too crowded and busy right now.

Finishing off her cookie, she struggled to stand upright. She worked out her muscles being as though she'd been sitting in the same position for quite awhile. The doorbell rang out again as she finally began making her way towards it, "Hold your horses, would ya?" said Santana irritably as she reached the door. She looked through the peep hole and rolled her eyes before opening the door.

"About time" said Rachel as she brushed past Santana and into the warmth of the apartment, "it's freakin' freezing out there" said her smaller sister. Santana was hit with the coldness of the outside in apartment hallway and silently reprimanded herself for only having on a sports bra and underwear. Shutting the door quickly, her body instinctively shivered as she turned to look at Rachel who was looking at her with utter annoyance.

"What?" asked Santana in irritation.

"Can you put some clothing on first please?" said Rachel tightly as she rolled her eyes and stormed into the living room. Her fortress that was now being infiltrated by the most infuriating sibling she has.

"What do you want?" asked Santana as she plopped back down in the space she'd just vacated mere minutes ago. She stuffed another cookie in her mouth as she looked at Rachel expectantly.

Rachel rolled her eyes and huffed before tightening her coat around her body even though it was rather warm in the house, "Mom and dad sent me here to get you" said Rachel, "they want you home now."

Santana took a big gulp of her eggnog before responding, "I told them both I need some space. It's too many people in the house" she replied.

"I know but mom insisted that you get home. She practically guilted all of us to come back home during this holiday and she says that you're missing out on everything. We're decorating the tree tonight" replied Rachel.

Santana sighed and banged her head on the back of the sofa. Shelby Corcoran was driving her up the wall. Rachel was right when she said their mom made the older kids feel guilty about coming back home for the holidays. Santana was already there but Mercedes, Quinn, and Rachel hadn't been back home and quite some time. Shelby laid the feelings on thick and Terry just co-signed. Next thing Santana knew the door flew open at the Corcoran-Johnson home and her sisters were walking through the door, bags in tow, and bringing all types of excitement, noise, and loudness (thanks to Rachel) with them. The house was packed with people and Santana had gotten used to the family being smaller. With her mom, dad, TJ, Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes, Beth, Brandon, Nana, Uncle Stephen and herself it was becoming a little overwhelming and she needed to make an escape. Her mom and dad were cool with it but now it seems they have changed their minds.

"Look Santana, the real reason I'm here is simply because the McLaurin's are back in town. Tyler, Kitty…and yes Sage. I bumped into Tyler at the mall earlier today and I was ill equipped to deal with the emotion of all of that and it's me" said Rachel pointing to herself. "He let it slip that Sage was looking for you and I think it's best if you're around family right now…mom and dad agreed."

Santana rolled her eyes, "why are you guys always in my personal business?" asked Santana, not really expecting an answer.

"Because we love you" replied Rachel, "now hurry up and get dressed so we can go please."

Santana purposely ignored Rachel's instructions and sank further into the couch and continued to eat and drink her snack. She hit the rewind button on her remote so she could go back and finish watching the parts of the cartoon she'd missed. She was being defiant and knew it would annoy the hell out of Rachel but so what? Santana was sick of jumping whenever someone told her too. For once she just wanted to do things on her terms…like they used to be.

She could see Rachel getting aggravated in her peripheral and it only cause Santana to smirk in response. Santana began stretching out in place when she saw Rachel pick up her phone and hit one button for speed dial, causing Santana to raise her brow.

"Nana she won't move" said Rachel with a pout into the phone. Santana's mouth dropped open in response, "I can't believe you just snitched Berry" she said.

"And I can't believe you're being such a bitch" responded Rachel angrily.

"Rachel!" Santana heard Nana say through the phone.

"Nana she's being incorrigible!" said Rachel, "I don't know why y'all sent me instead of Mercedes" said her sister angrily. Rachel rolled her eyes as her grandmother was explaining something Santana couldn't quite hear. Rachel suddenly held the phone out angrily towards Santana and Santana reached out to take it reluctantly.

"Santana Maria Corcoran-Johnson, you get your clothing on now and get home" said her grandmother sternly.

"Nana" whined Santana in response, "I don't feel like being bothered."

She heard her grandmother sighing in frustration and Santana knew that her grandmother's patience was waning, "she's been outside in the cold for a couple hours now and she refuses to come inside. Get home and talk to her Santana and get home because your mother wants all of her kids together for the holiday's" said Nana before hanging up the phone.

Santana sat on the sofa staring into space with Rachel's phone sitting limply in her hand.

"Did you know she was there before you left?" she asked finally.

Rachel gave a simple nod before looking away and rolling her eyes, "I told you they were in town."

Santana huffed and studied Rachel's profile for a moment, "why did they send you instead of Mercedes?" she asked.

"I dunno" said Rachel, "Nana refused to tell me but I wish you would hurry up so I can get back home, please and thank you" said Rachel who was clearly agitated.

Santana sucked her teeth and pumped herself up to get off of the sofa. Once she finally was standing she stretched out before heading into the bedroom and throwing on a pair of sweats and hoodie, but then she didn't feel very clean so she quickly undressed and hopped into the shower. As she shut the bathroom door, after turning on the shower, she could hear Rachel let out a frustrated groan.

Santana bent her head under the hot flowing water, trying desperately to prepare her mind for seeing Sage once again. It had been over a year since she had seen her in person. After leaving the condo in such a fit, she didn't even bother to talk to Sage since that day even though the girl had been trying relentlessly to get in contact with her.

For Santana, once she found out Sage cheated, that was it. It was over for her and she made sure Sage was aware of that fact by not speaking to her or having any contact with her. That somehow caused a ripple effect and lines were drawn between the Corcoran-Johnson's and the McLaurin's. Rachel and Tyler called it quits and so did Quinn and Kitty.

Even though she didn't see Sage face to face, she sure saw the biracial beauty on television and heard her on the radio. A few months after their relationships demise, Sage released her debut album and it quickly blew up the charts. Soon the new princess of pop rock was everywhere and even if Santana wanted to get away she couldn't. When she was riding around in her car, the songs were constantly playing. Watching television, clips of her interviews or videos seemed to be playing. It was all so much, especially when she was trying to get over a break up.

Quite frankly, it pissed Santana off.

Marissa just told her it was all about the process. That dealing with a break up is akin to grieving and it has different stages, "let it happen" was her advice.

Santana jumped when she heard Rachel loudly banging on the door, "would you hurry up Santana!" she screamed in a shrill voice, "I want to get back home now!"

Rolling her eyes, Santana purposely stayed in the shower for another twenty minutes before getting out and getting dressed.


"I can't believe you took that long to get ready, only to put on a pair of sweats and a hoodie" said Rachel as she crossed her arms in annoyance.

Santana reached over and turned the volume up as she drove them back to the 'main house', which is what she and her sisters were now calling the Corcoran-Johnson home in Ohio.

Rachel leaned over and turned the volume completely down, before slamming her body against the seat and crossing her arms angrily. Santana looked over at her in shock, "don't ever touch my stereo again Rachel and I mean it" said the beautiful woman angrily.

"It was too loud and my ears are sensitive" Rachel responded defiantly.

"Your ears has had to live with that loud, loud mouth of yours for almost twenty years, so I doubt that's the reason Berry" Santana snapped back at Rachel, "what the hell has crawled up your butt anyway?"

"Fuck you" was the response Santana received.

"I thought you were over that" replied Santana quickly. "Ow-Rach- what the fuck?! Stop hitting me!" she yelled.

"You're so stupid Santana!" shrieked Rachel as she continued to slap Santana anywhere she could on the right side of her body. It took all of Santana's concentration not to swerve the car and to stay in the correct lane as they continued to drive towards home. "Damn it Rachel, fucking stop before we crash!" roared Santana and bringing Rachel's assault to a stop instantly.

Slowing down and pulling up to the red light, the car was filled with silent tension as both young women kept glaring at one another through their peripheral vision.

"I wasn't trying to get us in an accident" said Rachel softly as the light turned green and Santana moved her beloved car.

Santana huffed out but didn't respond. The topic of car accidents was still a very sore subject for them. In her heart Santana knew Rachel wasn't trying to cause them to get in an accident but she was still pissed that Rachel was pelting her with multiple hits.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" asked Santana angrily, "you've been a grade A bitch since you walked through my door, disturbing me."

"I've had a bad day, that got worse when mom dropped me off and told me not to come back unless you were with me…so forgive me if I'm not in my usual jovial spirits" whispered Rachel smartly.

Santana decided it was best to stay quite as she drove through the streets of Lima to get back the main house. Once there, she hit the gate opener and drove into the expansive driveway as her eyes immediately hit the bodily form of Sage. Santana crept the car to a slow stop and Rachel jumped out immediately and almost ran towards the front door of the house, by passing Sage and Kitty, whom Santana was just noticing was there, and entered their home with not so much as a simple hello.

Sucking her teeth, Santana climbed out of her car and walked over towards the siblings while steeling herself against the harsh winter cold. As she approached, Sage stood up and Santana could see her taking a deep calming breath.

"You know you guys could've waited inside, my family isn't that hostile" said Santana as she stood in front of Sage for the first time in over a year. She was playing it cool by trying to joke even though her stomach was doing flips and she could feel her heart fluttering.

"I-I wanted to wait for you" stuttered out Sage, "I really need to talk with you."

Santana sighed and could see her breath on the air, "how about we go inside and talk there" she replied, "it's freezing out here."

Sage shock her head vehemently, "your entire family is in there. I wouldn't feel comfortable."

"We can go up to my room for privacy" whispered Santana, "my family doesn't bite."

Sage and Kitty both scoffed and looked away from Santana.

Santana bit her lip to keep from saying something nasty; she wasn't in a good mood to begin with. "Okay how about the office, we can walk in through the garage and go straight there without anyone bothering us" she replied.

Sage glanced over at Kitty who nodded tightly. "I guess that's alright" Sage replied quietly.

Santana turned and began walking swiftly towards the family's garage, unlocking the door that was on the side of it. She held the door for Sage before letting it go quickly once Sage and Kitty caught up. She opened the door that led into the hallway near the office. Immediately her nose was hit with the scent of warm cider, popcorn, and fresh pine. The smells of Christmas. Santana quickly walked a few paces towards the office door, leaving it open for Sage once she reached it.

Santana leaned against the desk as she turned and looked at the door where Sage was. The biracial girl was having a conversation with Kitty that seemed pretty intense. After a couple of minutes Sage walked completely in the office and shut the door behind her before turning around and looking at Santana.

They were looking at one another directly in the eyes and Santana felt that pull. That same pull she'd encountered the first time she'd ever met Sage. It was always there between them and Santana guessed that it would always be there but it felt different, "I'm assuming you have something to say" said Santana as she broke first and looked away from Sage and towards her shoes.

"I do" replied Sage. Santana lifted her head as she heard Sage move to dig into her pocket and she watched with curiosity as Sage pulled out a small notepad and began flipping to somewhere in the middle. Nervousness was etched all over Sage's face and for the first time, Santana took a good look at her as Sage seemed to be steeling herself for the conversation that needed to be had. Sage had a messy ponytail and two diamond stud earrings in her ear. No makeup was on her face, highlighting her natural beauty. Sage was always beautiful to her and that would likely never change. As Sage began to speak, Santana's eye caught something around Sage's delicate wrist. It was the bracelet she'd given Sage years ago when they first started to date.

"Thank you for meeting with me" said Sage softly as she looked at Santana, "at first I didn't think you would but I appreciate that you did" she said as her voice seemed to gain confidence the more she spoke.

Santana nodding was her only response as her mouth went dry. Hearing Sage's voice up close in personal after all this time, was a little unnerving and she didn't trust herself to speak at the moment.

"I have a lot to say to you…a-an-and I'm hoping you'll let me get it all out before speaking" said Sage. "First off I wanted to say sorry" Sage said without waiting for a response as Santana breathed deeply and looked at Sage while chewing her bottom lip. "I'm truly sorry. I hurt you by what I did and I know that there is no excuse for it. I was selfish when I ch-cheated, but I did have my reasons" said Sage.

Santana's stomach bottomed out at the word cheated, "honestly Sage, I really don't want to hear why you did what you did. I'm over it and I want you to be too" replied Santana hotly as she broke her promise.

"Your reaction lets me know that you aren't quite over it" responded Sage in kind, "and just for the record, I know I hurt you Santana. I live with that everyday but you hurt me too" said Sage fiercely through flared nostrils.

Santana looked at her incredulously, in fact if the situation wasn't as serious, her face would be quite comical. "How exactly have I hurt you? Did I fuck some other bitch while we were together, because correct me if I'm wrong that was all you" said Santana icily.

Tears fell out of Sage's eyes as she shrugged, "this was a mistake" she said quietly as she licked her lips and placed her notepad back in her pocket. "I'm sorry I bothered you" she whispered as she turned to leave.

Santana didn't feel sorry in the least. For the first time in awhile she didn't feel guilty by her reaction to any of this. In fact she felt justified to still be hurt and angry, "wait" said Santana irritably, "you came to say something so do it Sage" commanded Santana, "I'm tired of dealing with this shit and I just want to move on and I suspect you do as well. So let's get this over with so I can enjoy the holiday with my family."

Sage turned around as angry tears escaped her eyes and fell down her cheeks, "I was hurt because you never gave me the time to explain myself" she replied angrily. "For months I tried to reach you and get in contact with you and you dismissed me so easily like I meant nothing to you. Your sisters threatened to beat my ass if I didn't leave the condo that night. I didn't have anywhere to go…we didn't have anywhere to go because Kitty and Tyler were with me but they didn't care and they made it known. It was like we were dog meat and your family didn't want anything to do with us."

Santana internally was freaking out at that revelation, because she honestly didn't know that Mercedes and Rachel had done that…even after all this time, but she kept her face as still as a stone. No way was Sage getting the benefit of seeing her emotions ever again…including anger.

"You are right, I want to move on like you do Santana but I can't until I explain everything. That first year at Berklee I was missing you like crazy. The occasional weekends we were getting, just wasn't enough and I know you felt it just like I did" said Sage as she wiped at her face. "I spent a lot of time in the studio that year, I mean a lot of time and there was a technician who was working as a part of an internship. He was the first too make me feel comfortable about being around the opposite sex again" whispered Sage.

Santana eyebrows rose and her stomach tightened as she remembered why Sage wouldn't feel comfortable around guys to begin with. It still sucked.

"He reminded me of you…so much" Sage said as she closed her eyes and more tears escaped. Santana watched as Sage seemed to be going back into her memory banks about this mysterious guy. "He had your eyes, that dark chocolate that expresses so much of what you're feeling. The mannerisms he had, were so similar to yours. He was a lefty and had the same deep dimples you had for goodness sakes. I found that the more time I spent with him, the more I missed you and the more I missed you the more attractive I found him…which confused the hell out of me" said Sage as she sniffed.

Santana just looked on as she began wringing her hands together. She didn't like where this was going at all.

"Once the album was finished, when I went back after being here in Lima, we decided to celebrate because we we're going to start our own label. I got drunk and so did he. Before you know it, we were kissing one another and then I slept with him" said Sage brokenly.

"Why?" Santana replied shakily as her eyes watered and her hands dropped to her sides.

"I was weak" was the response that was given. "After it happened I felt ill. I couldn't stand being around myself because of what I'd done. I hated that I had done it, but more than that I hated the fact that I actually enjoyed it" she said. "I liked being with him and it confused me because…cause I'm gay right, especially after what happened?" asked Sage as she looked at Santana brokenly. "I mean I've only ever willingly been with girls and I know what I like. I didn't get why I liked it with him. I came to the conclusion that it was because I was drunk…alcohol was the major factor there" said Sage as she shook her head and turned away from Santana.

A few minutes of tension filled silence circulated around the room as Santana watched Sage's shoulders shake. She could hear the muffled cries coming from her former girlfriend, "you know the fucked up part was that I was so lost in my own head, I didn't even think about what my actions would do to you until you called. You called me and while we were talking, I was pretending like everything was okay when I really was freaking out. You were so excited about us hooking back up together in NYC that I don't think you even noticed I was off" said Sage as she turned towards Santana.

"Maybe you did though" shrugged Sage, "and you were shaking it off as nothing, just like when we were in New York." Santana watched as Sage walked across the room and picked up the box of tissue and sat down harshly into a chair as she began wiping her face from the tears.

"I'm sorry Lopez…I really am" Sage said softly. "I should've told you the truth when it happened instead of pretending like it didn't. I was and in a lot of ways still confused about everything. I've got too much baggage to be in a relationship now and I damn sure had too much to be in one back then. I'm sorry for dragging you in my mess" said Sage as she looked up at Santana with those beautiful eyes.

Santana licked her lips as she looked at Sage before looking away. "I'm sorry about what my sisters did…I never knew they did that" said Santana hoarsely as she tried her best to control her emotions. She'd just been hit with a ton of information and she was trying to come to grips with it in the best way possible.

"I know you didn't know" replied Sage, "it hurt a lot when it happened and I think its part of the reason that they all broke it off with one another. Your sisters are very protective of you and I get that. It just hurt that you didn't want to hear from me after everything we had been through. You had every right now to want to communicate but it still stung a lot."

"Why him?" countered Santana, not wanting to talk about her sisters, "not specifically him, but why a guy? Like I don't get that part, especially after what happened to you."

"I dunno" replied Sage, "after it happen I kept asking myself that and then I realized that it was the fact that he reminded me of you that made me go through it to begin with."

"But you said you liked it" said Santana, "like you enjoyed it and I have a feeling you've been with him more than once since then" huffed out Santana. Sage looking away confirmed her suspicions and for like the hundredth time that night she felt her stomach tighten then bottom out. "Are you bi, Sage?" asked Santana.

Sage looked up at the question, starring at Santana intently before nodding her head in confirmation, "I think I am" she whispered out.

They starred at one another for awhile, just like they used to. There used to be this connection that Santana could feel when they did that, and it was still faintly there. But for the first time ever she realized she didn't know who Sage was anymore. They were two totally different people now, maybe even then. A conversation popped into Santana's mind that Sage had with her when they were at a local fair and Santana didn't truly get it until now. Sage was trying to tell her then that she wasn't the same person, that she would never be the same person she met.

"Do you blame me for what happened to you?" asked Santana emotionally.

Sage looked shocked at the question, then saddened before she began shaking her head, "no I don't" was the reply.

Santana bit her lip, "I wish you could've figured all this out without so much pain being involved" said Santana knowing that she honestly meant that.

"Me too" whispered Sage.

"I forgive you Sage" whispered Santana, "I forgave you a long time ago. You said that you couldn't be with me because of your baggage, but I had a shit ton of baggage myself and you still wanted me. At the very least I could return the favor. I still wanted you after what went down...maybe more then ever. But what you did, hurt a lot…it really did and for a long time I didn't want to deal with it because I was afraid of what it meant about me. Every relationship I've ever had ended in some horrible way and when we ended, for a long time I blamed myself. I mean it had to be me right? I was the defect. With Marcellus, with Brittany, Rachel, and now you…it was me. But then I got angry because I realized that you did this to us and I didn't understand why and for awhile I was content with being angry with you and keeping it like that."

"What changed your mind?" asked Sage.

"My Nana" responded Santana, "she reminded me of how much it sucked to not be forgiven for making a major mistake and then I realized that I had to let it go, not only for you but for me" said Santana. "I've been in a funk this week because I recognized that I hadn't forgiven you as much as I thought I had" whispered Santana. "Seeing you singing on television helped me figure that out."

Sage shook her head in understanding.

"But hearing your side of the story clears up a lot and I wish you nothing but success but more importantly happiness from here on out" said Santana.

"Do you think we could be friends?" asked Sage hopefully from her seated position.

Santana sighed, "honestly I think that ship has sailed for now…maybe in the distant future" she replied.

"Okay" said Sage sadly.

"Do you think you could stop singing about our relationship?" asked Santana as she stood straight up. "It's been kinda hard to move on when you see your ex singing about you on tv" whispered Santana.

"I'm not sure about that" replied Sage as she stood, "my therapist says my music is my release. If I don't get it out, I self destruct."

Santana could understand that, she knew about internalizing things to the point where you wanted to do harmful things to yourself and she didn't want that for Sage.

"I think I should go, Kitty and I should've been home hours ago" said Sage.

Santana leaned off of the desk and walked towards the door. As she went to turn it, she felt a soft hand pull hers. She hadn't heard Sage walk up on her. Santana was about to say something when she felt the weight of a wrist watch placed into her hand; the same exact watch that she had flung at Sage in anger all those months ago. Sage looked at her with soft eyes before walking out of the door and out into the hall.

Santana was right behind her and accidently bumped into Sage on the way out of the room, "What's going on?" asked Santana.

"That's what's going on" replied Sage. Santana followed her outstretched arm and hand which was pointing to the direction of Kitty and Quinn.

The two blondes were on the floor, with Kitty in Quinn's lap as they made out heavily.

"Get a fucking room" said Santana irritably causing them to break away from one another.

"I thought you were here to support me Kitty" said Sage angrily.

"I am" said Kitty as she scrambled of Quinn's lap. Santana shook her head as her upper lip was curled in disgust. Quinn looked up at Santana unashamedly with her swollen lips as Santana saw Sage leave swiftly through the garage with Kitty on her heels.

"How'd it go?" asked Quinn smartly.

"Not as good as out here apparently" replied Santana.

Quinn wiggled her eyebrows before jumping off the floor and running into the kitchen in delight.

Santana grumbled as she made sure the door was looked and knew she was still in a funky mood. As she walked into the kitchen she was met with her mother looking at her with a knowing look as the rest of the family was in the living room decorating the tree.

"Why would you send Rachel mom?" questioned Santana crossly.

Shelby laughed, which only seemed to infuriate Santana more, "I knew she would agitate you enough to get you here" replied her mother. "Mercedes and Quinn would've given up immediately after asking only once, you would've pouted with Terry and Stephen and they would've let you be, I didn't feel like fighting with you and neither did Nana, plus TJ was on a date earlier so that left Rachel…whom was being crabby anyway so why not have two crabby people be together." Shelby was smiling at her and she seemed just as giddy as Quinn.

Santana rolled her eyes, "you know Quinn was making out with Kitty in the hall" said Santana.

"That I did…it's mistletoe over there" replied Shelby.

"Can I just go to my room?" asked Santana angrily.

"Sure…right after you help decorate the tree" replied Shelby.

"Mom" whined Santana.

"Umm umm, c'mon…the family is waiting."

Santana stomped over to the family room and she was handed some ornaments to hang by Mercedes. She went to the tree and just flung them on there before groaning out loud as the entire family, minus Rachel, began singing "Christmas Time Is Here".

Having the Christmas Blues sucked.

Hello out there! I hope you guys like this little one shot. There are a lot of small little things here that have a lot of essence to them. Please leave your thoughts.

Kitty and Quinn too me are the perfect example of a couple that's not necessarily 'meant' to be together in the classic sense but they have a lot of love for one another. They break up, then get back together a lot and they work at being together. It's just them and they fit. Sorry if some of you don't like it.