Author's Note: Please remember this is utter nonsense, I wrote it solely for my amusement. It's a rather dark humor, I will make fun of tragedy, death, torture... so if that's not your thing, better bugger off :D


I tell mother to leave Carver where he is. I surely won't carry him anyplace or dig a hole, for that matter, if she wants to try and lift the fool, she's welcome to try.

My thoughts are interrupted by Aveline:

"Flames! We're too late!" Darkspawn. More and more darkspawn. And mother wants us to dig a grave? It's almost funny.

The three of us fight like one, which is a nice change of pace. Aveline's not rushing off to some distant enemies, and my Backstab makes quick work of the annoying little vermins who dare come too close to my sister. It's quite fun to see their blood gushing about, staining the three of us. And Athena, who's busy gnawing on feet and calves. I'm quite sure she's enjoying herself as well. She's a right little beast, she is.

"There's no end to them!" I'd like to tell her not to wet her knickers, but I'm interrupted by a gigantic dragon roaring over our heads. Magnificent, really. If I weren't actually afraid it might kill us, I'd marvel at the sight.

When it turns into a woman, my jaw drops. Forget Aveline. I'd definitely tap that. Sexy creature that she is. With a voice to die for and horns. Horns! Horns of hair...? Kinky. I might just come right here and now.

If Bethany weren't glaring at me like I just stole her staff. Sigh.


"...Maybe I am a dragon..." More kinky stuff. I like it. While I'm busy looking at the assets of the woman, Bethany proves to have a cooler mind:

"Wait! You can't just leave us here!" Oh, but she can! I mean... I don't know what I mean, but the gorgeousness that is the dragon woman cannot be described. I want her. Badly. Ripping off her dress and armor would prove difficult, but fun!

And her eyes have the most amazing color. Andraste's bloody lips, I should be running in the opposite direction, away from that beast! Instead, I'm watching her, craving her, thinking about taking her right here and now and... Maker, when was the last time I had sex? I must be starving!

I tell the odd woman that I wish to be a dragon, too. Here I am, a Hawke, my mother crying, my sister angry and my brother dead. Come to think of it, I should probably mourn for him in good time.

"Your king will not miss you, hmm?" I doubt it. The fairytale-loving clodpole got himself killed in his first real fight. Men. They're such fools, running off into danger, not knowing what they're about to face. And then they get themselves killed.

Just look at their past achievements. Cailan: got himself killed. Carver: got himself killed. Wesley: ... about to get himself killed. He looks really awful, now that I look at him.

"I'm sure he'll miss his life more."

That makes her laugh. It is a hearty one, loud and honest. I decide I like the old hag. So does Bethany, it seems. She smiles when she realises the woman is a mage. An apostate.

"If you knew my daughter..." She has a daughter. I can just imagine, the two of them, naked...

"Ouch! What was that for?" Bethany just pinched my arm. Cunning little vixen, she notices every time.

"I know what you're thinking! Try not to be so obvious about it!" I smirk at her appreciatively, rubbing the sore spot that is forming on my arm.


The Witch of the Wilds directs our attention to Wesley, who looks even worse than only moments before. Disgusting, I think he's even starting to reek. He's veiny and pale, but I can't help but make stupid jokes.

"This corruption is the permanent sort I take it." Awkward silence. No one appreciates my humor. Oh, well, suit yourself.

I let Aveline kill her husband, I've no intention of touching the dirty bastard. Let her do the dirty work. Dead, dead, dead Templar, I wish I knew how to dance. That's what you get for being a closed-minded believer! I feel a little sorry for Aveline, though.

And then we're off to Kirkwall, with the old witch helping us part of the way.

TO BE CONTINUED.