Chapter Three
Where was she already? Was she still lying in bed in a deep sleep? Perhaps she should have woken her up this morning. But then again, she didn't want to see how puffy and red her eyes would have looked when they opened to stare up at her. She knew her friend was going through a hard time, and how she would cry herself to sleep often. But every time she tried talking to her about it, she turned the other way as if she were ashamed and had no more comments on the matter.
But what exactly was wrong with the poor girl? School was over, and although they wanted to get a head start for next term, she wasn't under the constant stress to get her work done, and she didn't have to get up super early. But never the less, she still had bags under her eyes that seemed they were growing darker with each new day.
The problem escaped her every time she tried to grasp it. It was like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.
The answer was right there, she just couldn't see it yet.
"Nagisa?" A voice came from above.
"Tamao" She smiled at her friend "You finally made it… what's wrong?" She noticed how dark her eyes were; how they were full of thought like water that ran deep.
"Nothing" Tamao sighed "We came here to read together, so let's read"
She sat down at the table, in the seat opposite Nagisa. Laying her book in front of her; she tried to study but to no avail.
She lay solemnly against the rough bark of a tree; enjoying the feel of the wind running through her silver locks. Her lungs inhaling fresh air that hadn't felt so clean in a long time. The simple act of just being able to breathe again; was one of the most delightful things to occupy yourself with. However she couldn't help but feel somewhat worried, not to mention confused. She was aware of the fact that Nagisa and Tamao were good friends, and had been since day one all that time ago. But she could sense that Tamao wanted something different from Nagisa; something a bit friendlier than friendship. Of course, she wasn't afraid of Nagisa doing anything, she was afraid of Tamao. The girl was a great influence, and Nagisa was still discovering who she is.
But even if they were together, would they click? In friendship, there are certain things you can avoid, but in companionship, they are very hard to avoid. In her mind, Shizuma knew that Nagisa loved her, but she also knew that she loves her blue haired roommate. To what extent though?
Sighing, and stretching as she stood, she decided to stop thinking and begin acting. She already lost someone once, and she was determined to not lose another. Especially some girl who was being blinded with infatuation or what she hoped to be infatuation.
Her heels began to click along the path as she walked to the library. Her head down and watching as she kicked small stones off the pathway, hoping that the stone Tamao was creating, would be just as easy to kick.
She brushed her blue hair away from her face, her eyes wandering from student to student; sitting in silence; their minds engorged in the world of the book they were reading. She lent on the desk her and Nagisa were perched at, her cheek flattening as she closed her eyes and tried to imagine a perfect life she could curl up and sleep comfortably in. But every time she dared to reopen them, Nagisa was still sitting opposite her, her body still ached with every breath, and her heart still sought out what she knew it would never find.
"Tamao" A voice called out to her, but she ignored it.
"Tamao" Looking up, Nagisa had stood from the table; Shizuma by her side. "It's late, every one's left, we're going to go to bed now; will you be alright?"
"I'll be fine" She lied as Shizuma took her friends hand and they proceeded to leave.
She lay there for a good hour before she finally decided to move. A gentle breeze tapped at the windows, sifting through her blue hair as she sat alone. She should have gone back to the dorms by now. She promised herself she would. But instead she was sitting in the darkness of the library; her eyes full of tears and her cheeks glimmering in the moonlight that poured in through an open window and onto her face. She always admired how beautiful the rays of the moon looked in the late hours of the evening. But as she sat in the gloom with only herself for company, she could feel her lustre for life melting off her. Maybe it was just the fact that the rays of the moonlight weren't as glamorous as they usually looked, or maybe it was her vision that had changed. Every time she watched Shizuma hug her, kiss her; even simply be around her, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest with every deep breath.
All she ever wanted was gentleness, but every time she got close to her, she could feel the others body freeze, like she was scared she was going to infect her with a disease. She felt sick, sick of feeling like this. Of waking up every day and knowing that the girl she loved was in the arms of another. And that she was well off limits.
In a way, she would rather be dead right now. At least if she were dead, she would feel nothing. And nothing, sounded like heaven compared to the hell she was currently living.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked as she twirled soft red strands of hair with her fingers.
"I'm not sure" Nagisa snuggled in closer to the chest she was leaning on "Tamao mostly"
"Yeah, I know" Shizuma continued to curl her hair "Maybe it's time to confront her" She suggested.
"I know what she's like" Nagisa thought aloud as she rolled onto her back "She won't tell me"
Shizuma lifted herself onto an elbow "Give her time; it's probably all she needs"
"I hope so" Nagisa whispered as she lent up to kiss her.
She turned in her bed, facing the empty spot across the room that should have been holding Nagisas body. She wasn't lying in her bed by the time she left the library and entered the dorm; she was with Shizuma, and it made her bones grind the more she thought about. She sat up from her bed; her blue locks covering her face as her eyes began to weep in their own sorrow. She didn't want to ponder about it anymore; she wanted to forget, curl into a deep slumber and never wake up.
But life wasn't that easy.
