Chapter 3
I shivered, thinking about just how bad the day was turning out to be. Not only were the edges to the holes in my lungs burning like they were on fire, but now Jacob was angry with me, too.
"You're cold…" he said. "Come here." He placed his arm on the back of the seat, urging me to move closer to him. I did so, without argument. I was used to being close to Jacob. It didn't feel romantic, exactly. It was just the way things had always been. We held hands. We hugged. We sat close to each other. I was used to his arm being around me. And I enjoyed it.
"Jacob… I wasn't trying to kill myself."
"Then what were you trying to do?" he asked, incredulously.
I knew I wasn't ready to tell him the truth. But I also knew I would have to do it eventually. "I don't know."
But I did know what I was doing. I was holding on to a man that didn't want me anymore. I was still allowing him to own my heart. I hated to admit those things. Even to myself. But it was true. Jacob was right, I wasn't trying to heal. I didn't believe I could be healed, but I wouldn't know if I continued to chase after a memory.
I knew that it would be easy to let Jacob into my heart. Everything between us had always been easy. I would have to tell him everything. I would have to tell him just how damaged I was. The voices, the nightmares. All of it. I would have to explain to him that some of the damaged to my heart could never be truly healed. I could tell him that I would try to love him that way, but no promises. And I knew that despite all of the things wrong with me, he would accept me.
I leaned my head against his shoulder. Of course he was shirtless. Most of the pack never bothered with shirts. Especially when they are on patrol. Jacob was an attractive man. I knew that. Any girl who saw him knew that. He was near six and a half feet and all muscle. His muscles weren't built like a body builder. They weren't there for attention. They were more like the muscles of a man who truly worked. They pushed from underneath the skin in all the right places. My eyes lingered across his abs and I realized that they, too, were perfect. I ran my finger along his stomach, marveling. "That tickles, ya know?"
I sat back, blushing. I hadn't really meant to touch him that way. When I looked back at his face, my Jacob was back. His warm smile spread across his face and I felt my heart jump. My body was reacting in ways I never noticed before.
My Jacob. I knew that I had no official claim to him. He was only my Jacob in my mind. And only I had the power to change that.
I scooted a little closer to him. Ignoring the pain, I laid my head back down on his shoulder. He smelled wonderful, like no cologne could ever actual capture. Warm and earthly. I spent the rest of the ride back to his house like that.
Jacob pulled up in front of his house and put the truck in park. He started to open the door, and I grabbed his hand to stop him. "Jacob I…" Breath. "Hold on for a second… can we talk?"
"Sure Bells," He turned to face me full on, taking both of my hands in his. "How's the shoulder? Does it hurt?"
"No, no, I'm fine. A little sore, but I will be fine. I just bruise easy." Actually, it throbbed, but I didn't want to talk about my injury. It took me several moments before I could form the words in my head.
"Bella, honey, what's wrong? Talk to me. You can tell me anything."
And there it was. The way he looked at me. The honesty in his words when he said that. It was like seeing daylight after being in the dark too long. He had always been my personal sun.
The words no longer mattered. I wouldn't get them right anyways. I leaned forward as gracefully as possible with one arm and kissed him. Of course, I lost my balance. Jacob caught me and pulled me into his lap, never taking our lips apart. The kiss had started out soft, but as he caught onto my mood he crushed his lips into mine. He had both hands on the back of my neck and was holding me tight. I pushed even harder into him, savoring the feeling. It wasn't like any kiss I'd ever had. My heart accelerated and I could feel his do the same. After several minutes I finally broke my lips free and sat back to look him in the eyes.
"Bella?" Jacobs expression was confused, but happy. "Please explain."
"I don't know, Jake. I know I've been in a… A bad place for a long time." Breathe. "You've been the only person who could make me happy. You're my best friend."
"That wasn't a best friend kind of kiss, Bells." Jacob chuckled.
"I know. It's just that… I don't know… lately it's like…." I just couldn't get the words to come out right. I knew how I felt, but I didn't know how to explain it to him. I had been the one keeping things strictly platonic up until now. "Jake, I've always wanted to be with you. You're my best friend. It just seems like now I want to be with you in a different way." I felt the blush flood my face. I quickly looked down at the truck seat, hoping he'd missed it. "I guess I should have asked you how you felt first."
Jacob didn't answer. I felt the embarrassment sneak up on me, flooding my cheeks with red. I knew that if he didn't want me, and I had just made a huge fool out of myself, I would never be able to face him again.
I was beginning to panic when Jacob finally said, "Bella."
I turned to look into his eyes, to try to seek out what he was thinking when his lips were suddenly against mine again. I began to argue when he ended the kiss after only a moment. Then I felt his lips on my neck, kissing me all the way from beneath my ear to my chin. Then he let out a noise that could only be described as a giggle. "Bella, I have been waiting so long for you to feel this way."
Jacob wrapped his arms around me, careful of my injured shoulder, and held me that way for several long moments before he finally said. "I love you, Bella. You know that. And I know you love me, too, even if you aren't ready yet. I will be here for you. I will be whatever you need me to be. If that means your best friend, then I will be that. If it means your boyfriend, I will be that. I need you, Bella. Just tell me what you want me to be, and I will be it.
For the first time in a long time, a door into my heart was opening. I kissed Jacob on the neck, and then whispered into his ear, "Boyfriend."
