BIG FAT DISCLAIMER OF DOOM: I forgot to do this before, so here goes. Duke Nukem, the Legend of Zelda, Link, Navi, the Great Deku Tree, Pig Cops, Dr. Proton, and any other copyrighted names are copyright their respective owners. This is a work of fanfiction, and the author makes no money off it. The author has no money either, all his money having been spent on videogames and Warhammer 40,000. The author has finished The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time at least three times all the way through, collecting everything it is possible to collect, and thus is well aware of the actual storyline. Any changes made to said storyline, including the insertion of new characters, or changes to timelines, locales, or existing characters, to include the changing of personalities, equipment, or sexes of said characters (nudge nudge) are done intentionally and for humor.

In other words, I don't own any of this, and I know how things are supposed to be in the Zelda universe. I'm changing it up on purpose. insert random smiley here>

Anyway...

Chapter 3: Gather the Heroes!

He was standing in front of a castle, staring up at the walls. White stone, they towered over his tiny form, as if daring him to try to scale them. Torches were hung in intervals, their guttering flames pathetically trying to bring light to the entire field. He felt sorry for the poor bastard who had to go down the walls replacing those things. It was night, the stars covered the blue-black sky in a mosaic of twinkling white lights, and the wide, full white oval of the moon washed all color from the land, casting everything that wasn't in shadow in a grayish tone, kind of like ice. Thinking about ice reminded him of the nice hard iceball he'd pasted Milo with last winter. Knocked the little punk out cold. Course, when he'd come to that had sucked...

One thing that was not all gray was the wide brown drawbridge, which spanned the wide clear moat that seperated the castle from the rest of the world, as if the great stone walls were flipping the bird at the rest of the land. "Haha, we're better than you, cause we're bigger, and we're harder, and we're a lot thicker than you. So suck it." His eyes finally came down from the magnificently huge walls and stared at the deep, wet moat. It was full of water, seeming to invite him to plunge into it and explore. There was probably all kinds of cool stuff down there. He stared at the water for a long time, thinking about going for it. Suddenly, he felt a rumbling within his body, a feeling headed straight for his crotch, making him shake with his need.

Oh wow, did he need to pee!

With his bladder about to explode, he bolted for the moat. Hell, all the water in there, no one would notice a little yellow extra. Hastily, he yanked up his green tunic and pushed down his underwear. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now! Naturally of course, the drawbridge picked that exact moment to descend.

With a great clanking of chains, the mighty wooden drawbridge unwound itself and dropped towards the ground. Something like two tons of ironbound wood, descending directly towards him. As he watched it descend, he came to the realization that if he stayed where he was, in his current position, with his anatomy dangling over the moat's edge, the descending drawbridge was going to amputate said anatomy as it came down. Therefore, it seemed the logical conclusion to leap backwards rather quickly. This he did. Now he was peeing on the grass. Oh well.

Just as it occurred to him that the drawbridge must have lowered so someone could cross, he heard hoofbeats, the thunder of a horse running flat out, and a brass horn blowing a thundering charge. Duhduhduh, duhduhduh, duhduh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh DUUUUUHHH! From the darkness emerged a great white horse at a full gallop. Two people were riding on it, an adult woman and a child in fine clothes. The horse made straight for him like an arrow, and for the second time in the dream he had to leap aside to avoid getting hit in the nuts. The girl turned her head to look at him as he passed by. For a long moment, their eyes locked, and he was sure he knew the girl, even though he'd never seen her face before. Then her eyes moved downwards, and she suddenly smiled broadly. He blinked, unsure of the reason for her smile, and then suddenly realized his underwear was around his ankles. Thankfully his tunic had fallen back down to cover him. Hastily he redressed himself. Just as he got his briefs up again, he heard a snort behind him and turned around. Then he shit himself.

A horse was staring at him. A big black horse with hate-filled eyes. He didn't even know a horse could have hate-filled eyes. He didn't know a horse could project an aura of pure evil either. Oh wait, that wasn't the horse. That was the rider. Looking past the horse's face, he saw the rider. He was green, and looked faintly sick. He was about to ask if he was okay when he noticed the man's jet-black armor. It was so polished he could see his reflection, and he realized there was white lettering on the breastplate, along with pictures. They were instructions, and the pictures were visual aids.

It read: 1. Bend Over. 2. Put Your Head Between Your Legs. 3. Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.

The man in black armor turned his head to look at the little boy. A smile flitted across his face. For some reason, that was even scarier than if he had snarled at him. The boy was about to obey the instructions on the man's armor when everything went black

"Hey! Wake up! Get up! The Great Deku Tree has summoned you! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!" Navi bobbed back and forth in front of Link's face like a hyperactive glowglobe. "Can Hyrule's destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?" the fairy wondered out loud to him/herself. Maybe it really is a woman. If so, she's wearing more makeup than street walkers in Hyrule Castle Town. Anyway...

Finally, the boy stirred and rolled over. Very slowly, his eyes opened. Then he was blinded by the bright blue glow that swept right into his face and hovered there. With a yelp, he swiped at the light, trying to clear his eyes.

"Hey!" Navi yelped in return, just barely avoiding the flailing hands. "What's wrong with you?"

Link blinked several times to try to clear the huge glowspot out of his eyes so he could see the fairy, who was now hovering a safe distance back out of reach. "Sorry. I just couldn't see you." Or anything else, he silently added.

"Whatever. Hey, the Great Deku Tree hasn't summoned you! You have to go see him right now!" Navi informed Link. "Get going, get going! I gotta go find somebody else!"

"What?" Link asked, all of this coming at him fast.

"Go see the Great Deku Tree!" Navi repeated loudly. "I gotta go find another person." The fairy flipped around and raced for the door, then paused for a moment to look back.

"Oh by the way, I'm your fairy now!" Navi told Link brightly. "You're not a freak anymore! See you in a couple minutes!" And then she was gone.

It had to be a she, Link decided. Only a woman could talk that much, that quickly, and that pointlessly. He hauled himself out of bed and left his house.

Duke saw the little blue missile racing up towards him, and the first thing that flashed into his mind was that someone had just shot a plasma round at him. He dove sideways and rolled expertly onto one knee, his signature Golden Eagle whipping out of its holster. Because he was Duke, he had already fired three shots before his mind caught up with his reflexes. His goal of exploding the plasma before it got to him appeared to have worked, he didn't see the blue glow. Slowly, got back up to his feet.

"HEY!" The blue glow shouted as it appeared one inch from his face.

"Holy shit!" Much like Link, Duke swatted at the glow, trying to clear his eyes. This time, Navi wasn't fast enough, and before she knew it, she was caught in Duke's meaty fist, half crushed.

"Hey!" her voice was much softer as she was having trouble breathing. "Let go! Let go, that hurts!"

"What the bleep>?" Duke asked. Then he looked around, trying to find out what had just censored him, and why it chose to censor that word and let him otherwise cuss unrestricted. He debated just crushing this talking plasma round, but decided that since nothing else was making sense in this world, maybe he should find out what it wanted first. Besides, maybe it wasn't a plasma round. His hand wasn't burned after all.

As soon as he released her, the fairy flapped her wings and started hovering again.

"Now who the hell are you?" Duke asked.

"I'm Navi, and I'm a fairy of this forest!" she informed him.

"Heh, you're definitely a fairy alright," Duke chuckled, looking at the tiny creature's garish makeup and somewhat masculine build.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Navi asked.

"Oh, nothing. You know, you'd look more convincing if you didn't wear so much makeup. Right now you look like a Bangkok hooker," Duke commented.

"What the-" Navi couldn't believe this man was part of the salvation of Hyrule. And what was Bangkok? "Convincing how?"

"You know, looking more feminine. That what's you're trying to do, right?"

Navi stamped a little foot in midair. "I AM feminine!" she squealed.

"No, not really. Your boobs aren't big enough. Then again, none of you is really big." Duke was enjoying himself. It wasn't every day he got to insult a magic creature in a dream he was having. He'd decided this had to be a dream. When he woke up, he'd have to find out what he ate.

Navi glared at him for a long moment. "Are you saying I look like a male?" she demanded.

"Now you got it," Duke paused, then added. "Fairy."

The joke was lost on Navi, since in a world of real fairies nobody had ever thought to make a slang term out of it. But she did not take kindly to being mistaken for a man. "Excuse me," she said, grabbing the bottom of her little dress. "But I am... FEMALE!" With that, she jerked the dress over her head, giving Duke a full view of her otherwise bare, very small attributes.

"Holy shit," Duke repeated. What was this place? "Okay, okay," he murmured. "You win. You're a she."

"Glad to get that straightened out," Navi replied, letting her dress drop, her personality suddenly all bubbles and sunshine again. "Now, you need to come with me. The Great Deku Tree has summoned you for something really important!"

"The what?" Duke asked.

"The Great Deku Tree!"

"The Deck You Tree?"

"DEKU TREE!" Navi was getting angry again.

"Deku Tree, got it," Duke nodded. "Wait, a tree wants to talk to me?"

"Yup!" Navi nodded.

"For bleep>'s sake..." Duke muttered, then glared around at the world again. He hated being censored.

"Now come ON!" Navi demanded, turning to lead Duke down the hillside into the town. "And don't shoot your black powder here! You'll upset the spirits."

"Whatever you say," Duke agreed. "Hey, can I try something really quick?"

"What?"

"There's no such thing as fairies," Duke said.

Navi stopped and slowly turned around in midair. "Why in the forest did you just say that?" she asked. "I'm right here in front of you!"

"Just tryin' something," Duke said. Navi looked at his suspiciously for a long moment, then turned to lead again. "Well," Duke muttered to himself as he followed. "This isn't Never-Neverland..."