Caroline was driving, so all was right in her world. A bag from the Apple Store, a bag from Harvey Nichols - she ended up choosing Valentino's, as it turned out - and a bag from Philip Howard's Bookstore sat in the back seat. Kate was texting on her new phone. Suddenly, Caroline's new phone chirped. Caroline frowned.

"Already?" she asked.

"Just me." laughed Kate. I was testing my texting.

"That's nice. You've christened my phone." Caroline smiled happily.

'Don't you want to know what I said?" asked Kate.

"Mmm, said Caroline, "let me guess. - U R a gr8 driver?"

"No." said Kate. "Didn't think of that. Though of course you are."

"You," said Caroline, reaching over and letting her hand rest briefly on Kate's knee, "are the most marvelous girlfriend in the world. No, the galaxy. No, the cosmos."

"Also true, but didn't text that either." laughed Kate. "Just a heart and the letter 'u.'"

"Oh, Kate," said Caroline, that is the best text ever."

"Are my hormones making you soppy?" asked Kate? "I mean, you're very sweet, but..."

"Lesbian couvade?" asked Caroline. Kate smiled at her, a wave of gentle love for Caroline moved her. She leaned over and let her hand stroke Caroline's neck - half a massage, half a caress.

Caroline had apparently decided to conquer all her anxieties about being out in a single morning. From the moment Kate had parked the car, Caroline's arm had been through Kate's, unless it was around her shoulder, or she was holding her hand as they strolled the mall or walked down Street Lane after lunch. She had managed a kiss or two as they looked in shop windows and once waiting to cross a street. Kate wondered whether this was part of a planned exercise. First Leeds, then Harrogate, then SH, then the world. In fairness, Kate thought, she ought to warn the world - but whom would you text?

"Are you tired?" Kate asked, her voice soft with affection.

"A bit, yes." Caroline admitted. "You must be exhausted. I walked you half the length of Leeds."

"A little. But I had such a lovely day." They drove on in silence for a while. Then Kate asked, "Caroline?"

To Caroline's "Mmm?" she continued. "This morning you said only two things were keeping you calm."

Caroline laughed. "Yes, and now I have them. - If I could bottle it and sell it we'd have villa's on every continent. Course, we'd have to net out the cost of all the shoes."

Kate was more serious now. "But what's the stress?" Then she softened the question. "Besides learning how to be a passenger, I mean."

Caroline grinned. Another pause while she gathered her thoughts to answer. "Everything and nothing." she said finally. "I have you, so I feel like no matter what everything will be fine." She smiled and let the sense of pure joy Kate's presence brought her wash over her. She smiled at Kate. "Really, everything no matter what it is will be fine. But I have no clue what everything is." Her voice lowered. "It's exactly the kind of thing that makes me insane."

"Everything like what?" Kate asked.

"Oh, the house? When will it sell? Don't know. Inconvenient since we're going to have a baby in six or eight weeks. Your place? Do you keep it or sell it? Do you rent it? Is it any of my business anyway? School? How do I tell folks that I'm yours - teachers, staff, governors, parents."

"'That I'm yours.'" Kate repeated.

"Yep. All yours, as long as you'll have me."

"Well," said Kate, now very serious, "I'll have you forever."

"In theory?" Caroline asked with a gentle smile.

"No. Caroline. I'm serious." She paused and thought of the night of Celia and Alan's wedding. "Well, as serious as I can be when I'm so ridiculously happy."

"There's nothing ridiculous about you being happy, Kate."

"Nor you, Caroline." answered Kate. "I feel as beset as you do, you know." she continued. "I'm never sure if it's hormones or honest nerves, and that's annoying as hell in it's own right - but really, I feel so betwixt and between." Caroline's eyes narrowed with concern.

"Kate," she said. "I don't mean to bully you. Honestly. But we need a plan." Kate laughed.

"You're not bullying me." she said reassuringly. "My life is a logistical nightmare and I have the nation's greatest logistical manager in my arms every night. I'm not going to stop you from planning, Caroline."

"The nation's greatest logistical manager is not the sexy girlfriend sobriquet I was hoping for."

"The nation's greatest logistical manager, who happens to be the sexiest woman I've ever met?" asked Kate.

"Much better," conceded Caroline. "Still needs work, but much better."

"So," replied Kate, "If your ego's sufficiently massaged, how are you going to plan us out our current chaos?"

Caroline paused. "Establish critical decision pathways..." she said.

"Would you believe me if I told you that you were sexy when you spoke management speak?" asked Kate.

"Well, I'd want to." admitted Caroline. "However, I haven't completely lost touch with reality. But seriously, Kate, I want to know - what do you think our critical decisions are? Long term, we know we want to be together, be a family together. But near term is where all the crazy is. What do we have to decide near term - before the baby comes?"

"Hmm," said Kate. "One house or two? I hate living out of a suitcase."

"If it's one house, then I'd want mine because of Laurence but yours because of the piano."

"The piano?"

"I love listening to you when you play at night." confessed Caroline. "I miss it when you're at mine."

"I didn't think you could even hear me." teased Kate. "You seem so engrossed in National Education reports. Caroline made a face.

"We could do mine and save yours for weekends when John has Laurence." offered Caroline. "You could think about what you want to do with it in the meanwhile."

"Could I sell it and buy John out?" asked Kate. "We could stay at yours then. Move the piano."

"I don't think so, Kate." said Caroline. "I don't think it'd be enough. But I don't know now that I'd want to."

"Really?" Kate was surprised. "But I thought..."

"I know," Caroline interrupted her. "I was fixated before. Obsessed, really. I rushed us. And then I lost you and then the house didn't seem so important. It seemed like a curse sometimes, to be honest. It couldn't console me for losing you. Some nights I felt like it was mocking me. All I wanted was you and all I had was this big perfect thing I'd finished making years ago. Probably the wine talking more than the house. But it became a bit of a tomb. Stuck me in a past I didn't want anymore. And blocked me from the future I did want and couldn't seem to get to."

"I had no idea." said Kate. "Oh, Caroline," she said sympathetically, putting a hand to Caroline's cheek, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. I have a family now. You and Laurence and the baby. William when he's home. No. That's not quite right, either. I had a family with John. But with you, it's different. We're a team. John and I - we never were a team. More like allies. We each pursued what we wanted and then I did what it took to make it look to the world like we were a team.

"With you - well I think that being crazy in love with you is a big difference."

"Duly, noted." smiled Kate.

"Seriously, Kate." said Caroline. "I don't care so much what it looks like. I'm more concerned about what it is. Are you happy and healthy? I'm worried that you're unsettled just when you should be feeling most settled. And that's just you."

"Are the boys ok?" she continued. "William's off at university, and I don't worry about him being affected by home so much. I just worry about him being off at university. But Laurence - his life's gone from the Appleyards to Queer as Folk in the blink of an eye."

Kate laughed. "You know, you'd have to explain those references to him, don't you."

Caroline laughed, too. "First of all, Sweetheart, I thought you'd taken it upon yourself to make me feel young, not dated."

"Nope." said Kate. "You're taken - no dating for you." She pointed her finger and thumb like a gun and pretend to blow across the barrel. "McKenzie scores easily," she said, imitating a sports announcer.

Caroline laughed again. "Second of all, I'm serious here. Ever since you told me about the baby, I've thought about what I'd do if I could ever get you back again. I knew long before Christmas that I'd rather spend my time on you and the baby and the boys, doing things, being together. Not on House Beautiful schemes."

"You're lovely." said Kate suddenly. "Have I mentioned that lately? How lovely I think you are."

Caroline smiled. "It's an observation that bears infinite repetition, darling. I'll hear it as often as you care to say it." A pause, then Caroline chuckled. "Although, If I am to be absolutely honest, Kate, wherever we land, I wouldn't mind a decent kitchen."

"Duly noted." Kate said. "Housing decisions managed. Building a life together values agreed upon. Desire for a kitchen worth cooking in shared. Anything else? More critical decisions?" she asked with a grin.

Caroline nodded. She hesitated, not wanting to risk the sense of connection they'd found in the conversation. But, she continued. "I want to know when you're going to cut down at school. I know you're put in for maternity leave beginning Easter, but I'm concerned." She stopped and stole an anxious glance at Kate, whose lips had tightened into a thin, hard line. "Darling, please, don't be angry, talk to me."

"I don't want to be managed, Caroline. I'm not a child. It's my body, these are my decisions." There was a stoney silence in the car. Suddenly, the Yorkshire winter landscape seemed bleak beneath a cloudy afternoon sky and the atmosphere seemed to seep into the cabin of the car. Caroline shivered and wanted to retreat but knew she couldn't.

"I don't mean to make you feel like a child by asking these questions, Kate." she began slowly. "And she is your baby. And I know you've dreamt for her for years. But you can't tell me you want to know what I think and feel and then shut me out when you don't like what I say. And you can't tell me I'm yours forever, but only let me into the parts of your life that are easy for you to share. And you can't tell me she's ours when it suits you and yours when it doesn't. It will kill me and confuse the hell out of the baby." She stopped, surprised with her own honesty.

Kate quietly began to cry. "Oh darling," Caroline said when she saw the tears. "Please don't cry. You can have me anyway you want. You know that. I'd just like us to try to get this right - if we could." Caroline felt tears slipping down her own cheeks. She pulled a sharp breath between closed teeth and shook her head. "I'm not 'managing you,' Kate. But I am worried about you, and the baby. Your health, and hers. And I'd rather you set the terms by which you step back at school, not have them forced on you by the doctor.

"I know, I know." said Kate. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to sharing this." She took Caroline's hand from the steering wheel and held it for a moment in hers. Then she brought it to her lips and kissed it; then dropped it gently down again on the wheel. "It was always my thing, my desire, my mania, sometimes - no one else really got it. Even my mother. I've always been so alone with it. And now it's happening and I'm so afraid and I have you here to share with me and help me and I'm such a cold bitch when you try to. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sweetheart, hush, don't. Don't beat yourself up. It's fear talking. Old habits. Just stick to the agenda. Critical decisions. Decide if you still want to work to Easter full time. If you want to work part time, decide when you want to go part time. That's all. Ask me my opinion if you want it. Talk to me about what you think, how you're feeling. Get the doctor's advice. Tell me your decision when you've made it."

"Thank you," sighed Kate. "I think I need some more time, but I will share this with you. I promise." She paused. "It's hard for me. And I think it's so odd that being so happy is so hard. I've wanted this baby for so long and I'd come to think I'd never have her. And I just about ruined us to get her."

"Hush, Kate. Shhh." murmured Caroline, reaching for Kate's hand. "You didn't ruin us. It's odd but I don't know that you could have or I could have. I'm starting to think good of us together is bigger than the foolishness we do separately. Not," she said with a smile, "that I feel any need for us to continue to test that particular limit."

"Do you think that's it?" asked Kate. "I feel like I've wanted you forever and didn't know it till I found you. And that got all mixed up with wanting the baby and finally being able to carry a child. She will be alright, by now don't you think?" she asked Caroline suddenly.

"Yes." said Caroline firmly. "I do. The doctor does. Just normal precautions and paying attention to your blood pressure. Kate, every mother has these worries. I was afraid with Laurence and I had had a perfectly fine pregnancy with William. You carrying a life within you that's not you - if you weren't frightened you wouldn't be human."

"Maybe that's it." nodded Kate. "But because of the others..."

Caroline squeezed her hand. "Because of the others you know all the details, every corner of the loss that you fear. I didn't, so it was more abstract, more general. Easier than when you can remember the particularity of the sorrow. Darling," she said after a bit, "I don't know that I can do anything about that pain. Except honor it. I don't want to deny it but I also don't want you to live in it when this baby will come and bring you, bring us, so much joy. She won't erase the loss of the others. But she could redeem that sorrow for you."

"Maybe that's it." said Kate. "Maybe I'm afraid this happiness is a betrayal. But that has to be wrong." She started to weep again.

"Oh, Kate. Happiness can never be a betrayal of love. Trust me on this. Redemption, affirmation, incarnation - yes. Betrayal, never."

They were quiet for awhile and then Kate sighed and laughed and finally said, "You know, I think I'm done with critical pathway decisions for the day. Could we have some mundane, ephemeral decisions?"

"Well, mundane to you maybe, but there are several decisions of immediate urgency that are of vast importance to me." objected Caroline with a smile.

"What?" asked Kate.

"What's for take-away and what's for tv. If you choose the dinner, I get the film - and you know that means a musical - Sound of Music?"

"Caroline, please." shuddered Kate. "Not another Rogers and Hammerstein."

"You'd prefer, My Fair Lady?" asked Caroline with a laugh.

"How about I chose the dinner and you get wild passionate sex?" offered Kate. The were quite for a moment. Kate grinned and Caroline pursed her lips.

Finally, Caroline said, "I have no idea why you worry that I manage you, Kate." I mean really, I feel like a lamb to the slaughter, sometimes." There was a pause. "Very wild?" she asked.

"Very," promised Kate.