Hello there. Before I start talking shamelessly about reviews, are my chapters too long and boring? I feel like they are. Please tell me your opinion! On a related note, I got awesome reviews for the last chapter! Wow, just amazing you guys. Again, more reviews are always welcome! Also again, a special thanks to the ones who did review:
parkitcharlie: Your review made me laugh! I'm glad you like the story!
BigStuOU: I know, it is pretty bittersweet. Things only get worse from here, my friend.
playing tragic: Your review was very nice! I checked out some of your centric stories and you're an AMAZING writer! I'm truly honored that you said I'm talented!
mazeygrace18: That's true, eventually Cat and Daniel break up, so I don't know what I'll do about that. Any suggestions? :)
Immortal Vows: Thanks! I'm glad you like it!
Ayamas4Ever: Thank you, and yeah I pretty much hate Daniel! :(
Disclaimer: I promise you that I don't own Victorious. Also, this chapter has some slash. Be warned!
The first time she hurts Robbie, she doesn't mean to.
Around Christmas junior year, there's a knock on the Vega door. Tori opens it excitedly; all of her friends (and Daniel, thank God) are busy with the holidays except Robbie. So, when he called saying he needed to talk, Tori invited him over. Christmas is in two days and she's been incredibly bored around the house, so it'll be good to have a little company. She usually enjoys spending time with Robbie, as long as he isn't hitting on her….which is often.
He rushes into the room without so much as a hello and sits on the couch. Normally, Tori would roll her eyes at this, but something is obviously wrong. His shoulders are slumped over and his face is red and puffy, as if he's been crying. Robbie takes his glasses off and sets them on the table. He let's out a huge sigh as he murmurs sadly, "Hi." After hearing that, Tori hurries to the couch, puts one arm around him, and rubs his shoulder comfortingly.
"Aw, Robbie, what's the matter?" She coaxes, "Did Beck and Jade have another fight?" Robbie is known for bursting into tears when Beck and Jade start to go at it. He draws in a sharp breath and says, "Yeah, but that's not all."
Tori just looks at him, her eyes pressing him for more information. It takes him a minute or two, but Robbie finally seems to gain enough courage to tell the story. "Well, see, Beck and Jade broke up. Sh-She called him while he was over playing video games. She was mad because he wanted to stay at my house. He hung up and started to cry." He snivels a little and then wipes his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. Tori takes this time to wonder what happened, genuinely surprised that Beck actually cried. "And then he put his head on my shoulder and gave me a hug. When he was done he looked up at me and I just swore that I saw something in his eyes and I…I just…kissed him!"
Tori gives a large gasp, and her hands fly over her mouth. Robbie begins to cry as he hides his face in his hands. "Oh Robbie," she says softly, "you didn't." He just nods his head and Tori pats him on the back, wishing there was something she could do. All she can think of is to pull him into a hug, and when she does, Robbie really breaks down. He sobs and makes small gasping noises, followed by choking sounds. Tori lets him cry it out, all the while thinking wearily, At least he won't be hitting on my anymore.
Robbie eventually pulls away, done crying for now. "So does this mean you're…gay?" Tori asks slowly, trying not to offend the broken boy. He hesitates, and then nods miserably. Poor Robbie, that's gotta hurt. "Want to tell me what happened after that? You don't have to." Tori adds and he just shrugs.
"He was nice enough about it, said that he isn't gay. He didn't freak out and he didn't get mad. He even…he even started crying again. Then I started crying. He sort of held out his arms and we kind of hugged again as we cried together, and it was so hard. Tori, I was holding on to something that I knew I had to let go. It's been years that it's been like this for me around Beck and I've just ruined the best friendship I've ever had and –"
Tori is listening so intently, hanging on to every word, that she jumps when there's a knock at the door. Robbie hides his face in the pillow as she gets up to answer the door. She can't hide the surprise on her face when she finds Beck at her door. Just the sight of him makes her eyes go wide; she's so used to seeing him well put together. Even in this state, though, she has to admit he still looks attractive. The boy standing in front of Tori looks just as wrecked as Robbie, however. His eyes are shrunken in and his clothes are messed up, his paled face tells that he's been crying.
"Is…Is Rob here?" He asks in a raspy voice. Tori doesn't have to say anything; Robbie immediately looks up from the pillow with huge eyes. He stands, then opens his mouth as if to say something, and then doesn't. Beck takes one small step into the living room and Tori takes a step back, curious as to what's happening. "I'm so sorry, Robbie." Beck says as his voice breaks, and there are tears in his eyes.
Robbie looks at the floor and crosses his arms, which Tori knows from her acting classes is a sign of insecurity. "You're amazing, Rob; the best guy I know. You're funny and handsome and so damned smart–"
"Then why don't you want me?" Robbie says with as much force as Tori's ever heard from him. She knows she should leave them alone, but her feet are glued to the floor.
"Who…Who says I don't?" Beck's voice is quiet, but it's plenty loud enough for Tori and Robbie to hear. Tori's mouth hangs open and Robbie's eyes are as wide as can be. He begins to cry, though he's smiling, and this time it's Beck to the rescue. They embrace each other, Robbie's head in the nook of Beck's shoulder, and Tori can't help but break into a wide grin. Who would have ever in a million years thought Beck Oliver and Robbie Shapiro would be together?
Robbie cries into Beck's shoulder as Beck runs his fingers through Robbie's curly hair. "Shhhh," he cajoles, "I won't hurt you again, Rob, I promise. I'm done with Jade, okay? It's you and me now, all the way. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." When everything calms down, they all end up watching a movie on Tori's couch. Robbie falls asleep on Beck's shoulder, their fingers intertwined.
"So," Tori says to Beck with a smile, "you and Robbie, huh? How long has that been building up?" He grins back at her and kisses Robbie on the forehead.
"Well, actually, Robbie was my first kiss back when we were thirteen." Pure shock lights Tori's face. "It was so…well, not to be too cliché, but it was beautiful. Everything first kisses are made up to be, you know?" She nods, and with a heavy heart she can't help but think about what her first kiss was like. "I guess it always stuck with me, even when I was dating Jade. See, before that, Robbie and I…experimented, I guess you could say."
He chuckles as Tori's facial expression twists in disgust. "Good to know. Now that I can never sleep again due to those traumatic images that will forever plague my brain, I want to say that I'm happy for you." Robbie shifts away from Beck, tears their fingers apart, curling up against the edge of the couch. Beck asks if there are any blankets lying around, and Tori gives him directions to a small closet upstairs.
When Beck comes back with two quilts and sets them gently on Robbie's sleeping form and then gives him a gentle kiss on the lips, an incredibly strong feeling ignites inside of Tori. Suddenly, the feeling of raw jealousy and rage flow through her veins so quickly and rapidly that she acts purely on impulse. Why can't she have that kind of loving, normal relationship? She isn't a bad person; she doesn't deserve to be any boy's sex toy. The need to be close to someone, anyone, normal becomes unbearable.
"So, Beck, are you, like…bisexual?" Tori asks as she stands from the couch, trying her best to sound purely curious. Beck shrugs and then nods. And then, without thinking for one second about what she's getting herself and everyone else into, Tori grabs the back of Beck's neck and pulls him into a kiss.
Surprised, Beck makes a strangled noise, which wakes Robbie. As soon as he registers what's going on, he's at his feet immediately. "Beck!" He screams, and it's loud enough to wake all of Los Angeles. Beck and Tori break apart, and she realizes what she has just done. She hopes and prays with all her might that it's an awful dream. Tori can already feel the guilt washing over her, drowning her, swallowing her whole. Then everything happens in fast motion.
Robbie moves swiftly to the door, tears streaming down his face. Beck is at his heels, yelling, "Robbie! No, Rob it's not what you think–" They make it to the entrance when Robbie slams the door in Beck's face. Beck stands there and leans his forehead against the wooden frame.
"Beck, I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened." Tori tries to explain desperately. He turns to her, his eyes full of tears. He turns the doorknob slowly and prepares to walk out, when Tori exclaims desperately, "I cut myself!" That stops him. He turns around and shoots her a disbelieving look. She quickly rolls up her sleeve, where the pink, scarred words "good friend" and "talented" are cut.
He just stares for a few minutes examining her cuts, mutters "Oh my god" over and over, and then nods. He gestures to Tori with his hand indicating that she should explain. She sighs and says it's a long story and that she'll go make hot chocolate. While she does, Beck calls Robbie and tries to make it clear that it's just a horrible mistake. Robbie doesn't have any of it and immediately hangs up.
They sit down with their drinks and then Tori begins. She tells him everything – except saying that Daniel didn't rape her, just threatened to. She lies and says that she just gave into him and had sex. She says that Daniel threatened to rape Cat as well and that's why she's sleeping with him now – and Beck doesn't interrupt once. He just sits, periodically checking his phone and texting Robbie. When Tori's done, he doesn't say anything, just wraps her into a hug and starts to cry again. She does too, and it's somewhat of a relief to have it all mostly off her chest.
Then Beck gets a phone call from Robbie. Tori grabs it before he can answer and yells, "Robbie! I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened. Please don't blame Beck, it was all me, I swear–"
"Can I just talk to Beck?" Robbie's voice is cold and hard, so Tori just whimpers internally and hands the phone over to Beck. How could she have been so heartless? She hurt two of her friends probably beyond repair. But Tori's good at fixing things, isn't she?
Tori hears Robbie say, "Beck, I know this isn't your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I know that this kind of thing would happen a lot if we started dating. Girls would probably be all over you trying to…ch-change you all the time. I'm sorry, Beck, I just can't handle that. I forgive you for this incident, I really do. But I don't forgive Tori, she's just too…mean." She's sure that he adds on the last part because he knows she's listening. She deserves it, though.
Beck hangs up and just stares at his phone for the longest time. He doesn't cry, which surprises Tori. She can't bring herself to say much, either, even though she knows she should be apologizing. "We wouldn't have worked, anyway," He says eventually. "I'm Beck Oliver, you know? I'm not that gay guy; I'm the one who is with Jade West. The perfect power couple." Beck scoffs the last part bitterly. "I'm glad this happened, really I am. I promise." Tori is forced to believe him, she can tell he isn't lying.
Eventually, Beck goes home, promising not to tell anyone her secret. Tori texts Robbie literally fourteen times begging for his forgiveness. By the time four o'clock in the morning rolls around, she gives up and goes to bed. Christmas passes all too quick, and in the blink of an eye everyone's back at school. Jade and Beck get back together, of course, and (without telling Jade) Beck calls Tori every so often to make sure she isn't cutting. She promised she wouldn't, and so far she's kept it. She's proud of herself.
About two weeks after school starts – and Tori is about to give up on him – Robbie approaches her at school. He says that he's forgiven her, but she can tell he hasn't. She takes it, though, feeling about as guilty as ever. She knows she hurt Robbie in ways beyond restoration, but there's not much she can do. If she could go back, she would.
Often, Tori finds herself thinking of how Robbie said she was mean. It is such a simple term, Tori thinks, but she decides that it just might fit her. Because only truly mean people do what she has done. Eventually, the word mean consumes her; she thinks of it all the time, the remark implanted in her brain. She even has a horrible recurring nightmare where she's performing on a Broadway stage, and when she's about to take a bow, she spots Robbie in the audience. She smiles and waves, but the whole crowd just starts shouting "MEAN!" over and over.
It gets so bad that she ends up breaking her promise to Beck and cuts "nice" into her thigh.
/
The first time she hurts Jade, the heartache goes both ways.
Valentine's Day rolls around, and Beck breaks up with Jade after everyone enters a couple's game show and they lose. Afterward at Tori's house, everyone goes back to playing a poker game that they started before the Beck and Jade drama. When they all leave, Tori calls Jade and invites her over. Surprisingly, she shows up. She doesn't cry like the last time he broke up with her; they just sit up in Tori's room until Jade says she's going to take a shower.
A couple minutes after the water turns off, Tori hears gagging noise followed by a few sobs. The Latina is at her feet at once, hoping Jade's alright. She may not particularly enjoy the black-haired girl, but Tori hates seeing her upset. She generally doesn't like seeing anyone upset; she's somewhat of a perfectionist. Anyway, she races down the hall to the bathroom and opens it without hesitation. She's just in time to see Jade on her knees over the toilet, her fingers crammed down her throat. She's totally naked, and the word "UGLY" is freshly cut in capital letters on her arm.
"Jade!" Tori screams, but it's too late. A fresh stream of vomit flows from Jade's mouth and the brown haired girl can't help but cringe. Jade wretches three or four times and then begins to dry heave. Tori holds her hair out of her face until the taller girl is finished. Then, while Jade leans her cheek on the cool porcelain, Tori gets two wet towels; one for Jade's forehead and the other for her bleeding arm, which has now collected a pool of blood on the floor.
After a few minutes of cleaning Jade and everything else up, Tori offers her a robe and they go to Tori's room. Jade puts on the black sweatpants and t-shirt she brought, not speaking the whole time. Tori notices that the t-shirt is from when Hollywood Arts did the Wizard of Oz. She vaguely remembers seeing it; she's pretty sure Cat was Dorothy and Jade was the Wicked Witch. Trina was the legs of the witch under the house. When Jade's done she sits on the floor, and just looks at the other girl as if expecting her to say something. "You know, we should probably put some disinfectant on that." It's all she can think of.
Jade just laughs. "Well, you would know about the proper way to take care of a self inflicted cut, wouldn't you, Tor?"
Tori's eyebrows knit together in anger as she crosses her arms defensively. "I'm just trying to help you here, Jade." She says, looking her straight in the eye, "Everyone needs a little help sometimes."
"Well not me." The goth shoots back. Tori stands her ground.
"Then why are you here? Huh?"
"Because," Jade smirks, "we're the same." The Latina scoffs, but before she can say anything, the girl begins again, "Don't pretend like you don't know that. You're sick and so am I. Only mentally unstable people cut themselves, you know." Tori's at her feet in one quick motion, and then so is Jade.
"I'm not mentally unstable!" Tori shouts, though her voice breaks on the last word. "I'm fine."
"You weren't fine at the showcase."
"That was a long time ago."
"Eight months isn't that long. I'm willing to bet you've got tons of cuts under those long sleeves, hmm?" Jade wastes no time in yanking Tori's left sleeve up and she finds "good friend" and "talented" cut. The same scars I showed Beck, Tori thinks as she glares at the pale girl in front of her. Jade gives a small laugh. "This was my first time," Jade whispers seductively, as if the whole thing just seemed like a joke.
"You know," Jade says mockingly, "I just thought, 'Oh, well if perfect little Tori Vega does it, it must be cool.'" When she sees a few tears stream down Tori's face, Jade brushes them away and sarcastically says, "Don't worry, sweetie, I bet it's all the rage in the Psycho Ward."
Tori swats her hand away and starts yelling, "I am not perfect!"
"You're right; you're an ugly, stupid, untalented little bitch who doesn't deserve to be at this school." Jade begins to full out cry, now, and Tori does as well. "You are the most flawed person I have ever met, Tori Vega! And you can just go–"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" The other girl screams as she slams her hands to her ears. This finally shuts Jade up, and Tori begins to holler, "You think you're real hot shit, huh? Beck obviously didn't want you, no one does. You're pathetic! Bulimia, Jade, really? You think you're fat? God, you are such an attention whore! I HATE YOU!" She screeches her last words so loud she's surprised her parents don't come up to see what's going on.
When Tori sees the look on Jade's face she instantly feels bad; the taller girl isn't crying anymore, just looking at the ground. Her face is warped into an obviously pained expression; it looks as if she's bracing herself for some kind of attack. Tori looks around for her broken shard of glass. She hadn't used it since Christmas and actually forgot where she put it.
When Jade realizes what Tori's doing she says, "No, Tori, don't. Come on, I didn't mean that stuff. I-I'm just mad at Beck and I took it out on you. Tori stop, please." She doesn't listen; she just sits on the floor and rolls up her pant leg. "Vega, no, stop!"
Tori just holds out her hand to silence Jade. "Let me do this," is all she says. Jade sits on the bed and curls into the fetal position, her eyes screwed shut. The glass only been used a couple of times so it doesn't take the brunette girl very long to carve the word into her leg. "I'm done, Jade."
"I'm sorry," Jade whispers it at first, then repeats it, getting louder and louder each time. She sits up on the bed. Tori stands from the floor and sits next to Jade, and they embrace. They cry together, both saying sorry about a thousand times. Tori's really done it; she's broken Jade West and now knows that there's a real person there. She always thought this moment would be amazing, victorious even. So why does Tori feel so bad?
Tori wakes up the next morning with a note taped to her forehead. In messy scrawl, it reads, "I'm going home. This doesn't mean we're friends now. Never speak of it again." Sure enough, Jade is gone. Tori stretches and notices a throb in her leg, remembering what happened the night before. She looks down and sees "perfect" sliced into her leg.
So, yeah. You should review.
Please, try to make them nice reviews? My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me five days ago and I'm just a mess. He broke it off with me right before I had a solo for orchestra contest, too. I did that Saturday. (I got a two rating, by the way. Two means excellent :D) Anyway, after that I pretty much broke down and cried for a few hours.
It hurts. A lot.
I'm too tired and emotionally wrecked to come up with a witty way to tell you to review. So, just please review. It would make me smile.
See you next time.
