When I woke up this time I felt groggy and pretty much incoherent. I looked at Edward who was still humming my lullaby I looked into his sorrow filled eyes and the past day rushed back.
I groaned, Edward thinking I was in pain started to lightly rub my back as he saw that I was awake.
"How do you feel Love?" He asked, how could he asked that? He knew perfectly well that I had pretty much completely made an ass out of myself around his family.
I groaned again and buried my face in the pillow. "Great, I totally had a mental breakdown around your family. I bet they all hate my guts now." I sighed, yet I couldn't quiet bring myself to completely regret it. I was probably still running on the high from standing up for myself, I would feel the full effects later.
Edward rubbed my back soothingly. "They don't Bella, they know how much pain they caused you. It was to be expected that you would react in such a way when Rosalie said that." Edward sighed, "I cant tell you how sorry I am for my pig headed sister, Bella. I had no idea she would even say that." He kissed me gently on the forehead. "Try to ignore it though Love, it's her jealousy talking. She is jealous of every human because she knows she will never be one again."
I shook my head, Edward didn't know. He didn't understand, how do you ignore someone telling you that everything you are. Every dream, every hope, every small victory and defeat, every precious memory. How do you handle someone telling you that it is all just a waste and your expected to ignore it, especially this early in the healing process. I cant tell Edward that, I cant burden him with it or explain it to him. The only one I'd ever be able to explain this to was Jacob.
Jacob! Crap, I had forgotten to call him-again. I am the worst best friend in the history of the world.
I sat up and reached for my phone. I dialed the number I knew by heart and waited for him to pick up. After the third ring I heard Billy's voice on an automated answering machine, I don't know if their there and refusing to accept calls from enemy's lines or if they really wernt home.
"Hi, this is the Blacks house, were not home right now, please leave a message."
"Hi, Jake it's Bella-" I didn't get to say any more because my phone was ripped from my hand. I turned quickly to see Edward, he shut the phone with a defining click. "What in the world?!" I asked glaring at him.
"Bella, werewolves contain a risk. Since you wont protect yourself I will." He said it with such finality that I was tempted to let it go, but he was interfering with me reconnecting with my best friend.
"Isn't the choice of who I hang out with mine to make?" I glared, I know that maybe Jacob might never want to talk to me again anyway. But that doesn't mean Edward has a right to do that.
"Just trust me please." Edward sighed and acted like that would fix everything. I realized now what was happing, he thought we were just going to shove the fact that he left aside. Along with all the other things that went with it: Jacob, my pain, my mistrust. Any talk of it is, as far as he's concerned, not necessary.
It is necessary though. It is very necessary, if we were to shove it back who knows when it would come back full force. And I don't want to forget, it was the worst time in my life but it showed me how strong I was. Edward is necessary to my survival but now I'm strong enough to live without oxygen. Did I really want him to take that strength away? No, and I wont let him. I forgave, he knows I did. Maybe it needs to be clarified that I will never forget. Forgiven, not forgotten.
"Edward, why on earth would I trust you? I still remember what happened last time I blindly trusted you. Just because I forgave you doesn't mean I'm just going to act like the reason to forgive you just never happened."
"Bella it was a mistake, one I promise never to make again." Edward began to glare.
"You're the one who always says that I lack self-preservation skills. Well maybe their just delayed. I have enough self-preservation to not blindly trust you anymore. I thought I explained it before, I can forgive but I cant forget."
Edward was frozen still, I was worried he looked so hurt. "Edward," I whispered rubbing his shoulder. "We have to be able to talk about this. We cant just shove it away." I continued to rub Edward's shoulders and buried my face into his neck. "If we forget then were doomed to repeat. I can't ever forget the pain, because even though it nearly killed us both doesn't mean it wasn't important. You have to realize that you shouldn't take responsibility for everything that happened. I'm in this relationship to, and you need to realize I'm a woman not a child. Okay?" I whispered, he has to realize that he isn't the only one who needs to be in control of our relationship.
Edward sighed, and looked up at me. I knew that sigh from before he left. It meant "please be reasonable Bella." I am being reasonable, he isn't going to control me.
"Bella, I know you're not a child. I don't want you to feel as if I think of you as one, I know you aren't. Yet I can't help the unrelenting need to make sure you are safe."
"I know Edward. But you have to realize Jacob's my best friend, and I'm not entirely sure he'll want to be friends with me when I'm with you. That's his choice to make, I've already made mine." I sighed, I hoped Jacob would except my offering of friendship. He brought me back to life, I don't want to throw that friendship away, he's like a brother. Yet all of this will be decided by him, I will reach him somehow and talk to him, he deserves a face to face conversation.
"Fine." Edward spat, "just please come to my home and see the others. They all miss you terribly." Edward whispered a way that before I would be weaked kneed. But this wasn't "before" this was now. I'm different now, I don't allow myself to weaken. To stay safe you must stay on top. If they wanted me to come and I wanted to come to I would. But I didn't, and I have a feeling they didn't either.
"No way, I remember last time."
"Please Bella, I promise Rosalie will be on her best behavior." Edward spoke like it would make everything go away. I didn't want that, I didn't want his family to act differently around me.
"Is that what you think I want?" I whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think that having Rosalie be on her 'best behavior' is going to fix anything? Do you think it'll just take away everything she said? Or the fact that everyone seemed to agree with her? No, I don't know if anything can fix it. I don't know why she hates me, but she does." I sighed, I was used to this. This is nature, hate without reason. "I don't want to go back there, and I wont."
"Please Bella, for me?"
"Why would you want me to go into a house full of people who don't like me? Why subject them or me to that?"
"Please Bella, please they all want you there. Your part of the family." Edward whispered, "Rosalie admires that you stood up to her, truly she does love."
"Fine," I wasn't giving in, I wanted to go and see how'd they act. The first sign of it going towards that incident again, I was hightailing it out of there.
