Note/s: Brace yourself for a long-ass chapter. Also, we'd like to address why we chose to go with the headcanoned name Shinjiro for modern-day Jack. Aside from the fact that the two Ashis sharing the same name is already a McStruggle writing-wise, it be would be hard to explain why a Japanese man living in modern Tokyo would call himself Jack, especially considering that names in Japan are governed by the Japanese Ministry of Justice's rules on kanji use in names. And if you're wondering why we had to set it in Japan in the first place, we took in consideration that well, Jack spent time in the future trying to get back to his past and homeland, so we let his modern counterpart stay there lol.
With all that said, we hope you enjoy and would love to hear from you. Any errors you find will be rectified at a later time.
Ashi started making tea out of habit while Shinjiro set up the table with the food that he had brought over. She hated how just the smell of the dumplings made her mouth water—she didn't need him thinking that she was happy to have him over in any way! After she set the kettle on the stove, she turned back to Shinjiro and saw the assortment of treats arranged on the chabudai. It looked so professional, like a catering company had set up a buffet for one lonely woman, who had taken up to eating her feelings.
Besides dumplings, she spotted a variety of little cakes—which looked like they came from expensive patisseries—along with a multitude of colorful packages of sweet and salty snacks… what was she, five?
Still, konpeitō was her favorite.
Shinjiro smiled eagerly as Ashi seated herself across him. She kept her eyes towards the kitchenette though, waiting for the water to boil. Her expression was unreadable and Shinjiro felt his stomach tighten nervously. He had come here on his own accord, so it was only natural and expected that he initiate the conversation.
"So…" he began, inwardly berating himself at how weak he sounded, "how are you…?" It was best to start safe. Ashi narrowed her eyes at him, and he suddenly felt foolish for asking.
"How am I?" Her voice made him feel even worse. Obviously, she was still very upset, especially considering how she looked when she answered the door. He had been happy to see her regardless, but she looked very unkempt compared to the last time he saw her, and she had been recovering from a night of heavy drinking then!
"I only meant…" He murmured, kicking himself again for sounding so soft. Shinjiro cleared his throat before trying again. "You're feeling better than before, I hope?"
Ashi pursed her lips at his sheepish smile.
"Well, I'm not hungover, so there's that."
Shinjiro placed a hand on his nape. This was going to be a...difficult conversation to say the least. "I'm glad to hear that...um about you feeling better that is."
Ashi sighed. This was pathetic. "Look Shinjiro, we're not here for pleasantry. Whatever you have to say, get it out so we can be done here." She said as she tore open the konpeitō pack. Shinjiro's lips twitched into a frown as he watched her fill her own cupped hand with the colorful star-like sugar candies. He was trying his best here, the least she could do was hear him out without snapping so readily.
"I was just trying to be polite."
"And I'm just trying to get on with my life with no Jacks or Shinjiros."
Shinjiro swallowed his angry sigh. Coming off as irritated with her wouldn't get him anywhere.
"I don't see why you would… have to do that. I mean, you and I are the only ones that understand what the other is going through." He stared at her almost pleadingly. "All I'm asking is for you to consider me as someone to confide in if you need it, and vice versa."
Ashi huffed, cheeks flushed at his proposal.
"So you want someone to pat your hand and rub your back for you?" She frowned at him. Shinjiro stared at her in disbelief; can she only hear what she wants to hear?
"No..! Ashi, please be reasonable. I want to keep in touch with you because what we went through was… totally bizarre! I can't explain that to anyone, and no one could understand it better than you." He paused, softening his tone. "And I worry about you. It bothers me that you could be in need of something, and I'm not aware of it, so I cannot help you."
Ashi's eyes widened, her brows furrowing even more. "Oh! So that's it, huh?" She snarled, grinding any leftover candy in her mouth to dust with her teeth. "It's not enough you want me to be your shrink, but a charity case to boot?"
Shinjiro blinked in surprise. "What? No, that's not what I mean at all"-
"Oh shut up!" She exclaimed, her face turning a dark shade of red. "You're only here to make yourself feel better! You're just imposing yourself on others and you think you can do that because you have money in your pocket!"
Shinjiro felt his hair in end at her preposterous spiel. "Ashi, do you even hear yourself?" He could not suppress the bitterness in his voice. "I'm here because we obviously need to talk about our experiences...and you just want to write it off as though it were nothing!"
"...Nothing?" Ashi could not believe her ears. "You think I-nothing?"
She was ready to tear into him. Did he have any idea the kind of self-loathing and misery she had gone through since she lost Jack? How dare he?, she thought. But before she could get a word out, Shinjiro shifted across the floor to the other side of the table, taking her arms in his hands and leaving her in insulted silence.
"Ashi, I just want to take care of you! That was the last thing Jack told me to do—he told me to take care of you…!" He was upset, with eyes begging her to understand. Ashi recoiled more, but this time with a look akin to fear, her jaw trembling in confusion.
"Jack..?" She whispered, losing her voice long before she could finish her question. They stared at each other, both feeling the previous tension between them dissipating, leaving the two in a vacuum of uncertainty, with Shinjiro's assertion hanging over their heads. Shinjiro frowned pitifully; she looked so much smaller when she wasn't angry.
The tea kettle whistled, abruptly breaking the silence, and Shinjiro looked back toward the kitchenette unhappily. He stood and quickly made his way to the stove, assuring her to stay seated with a quick "I'll get it."
This gave Ashi some time to mull over Shinjiro's words while he prepared the tea. What did he mean by take care of her? Specifically, what Jack meant. Surely, he did not intend for the two of them (her and Shinjiro) to be together, in some pair the spares type of deal. If so, that was an awfully tall order. Her feelings were not that replaceable. She was not some child easily consoled by replacing a missing toy with a new one.
Her thoughts were interrupted as Shinjiro returned, placing a cup of tea in front of her. The steam rising from the pink ceramic cup tickled her nose. Ashi wrapped her hands around it, finding small comfort from the warmth.
Shinjiro sat back in his original place, holding his own cup. It was only when he brought it to his lips did Ashi realize which cup it was and could not help but gasp in alarm, causing Shinjiro to nearly spill his drink.
"What's wrong?" He looked at her with concern.
Ashi's eyes remained on the cup in his hands...the one that Jack personally used. Seeing his fingers cradling it made her stomach twist inside of her. It was so unsettling how identical the two men were.
"Nothing..." She spoke softly, dropping her gaze down to her own cup. She waited a beat before speaking again. "...Why did you choose that cup?"
Shinjiro hesitated a moment, always confused by her strange reactions and questions.
"I… just liked the color, I suppose—oh! There's a crack on the side." Shinjiro brought it closer to inspect the now-sealed break in the ceramic, thinking perhaps that was her concern with it. Ashi felt a strange pang in her chest at his curious eyes looking over the cup.
It was like having Jack before her again...only it wasn't.
She looked away as he took a sip, willing herself not to get emotional. It's just a stupid cup, she told herself, there's no need to feel sentimental. But try as she did, a couple of tears still slid down her cheeks, landing with a plop on the table.
"Ashi." Shinjiro immediately set his cup down, his thighs bumping against the table as he got up on his knees, some tea splashing on the surface. He walked on his knees to her side, his hands squeezing her shoulders as Ashi tried to hide her face away from him. "What's the matter?" He asked quietly, one hand moving to the small of her back, stroking it.
"I'm fine…" Ashi rasped out unconvincingly.
"No, you're not." said Shinjiro, continuing his gentle ministrations. "Did I do something to offend you again? Please...don't cry. I hate seeing you cry."
His arms wrapped around her and pulled her tight against his chest. Ashi tried to protest, but found herself buried in the crook of his neck without much struggle. Half of a sob managed to escape her throat before she closed her lips tight to silence it. She breathed in through her nose to try and relax her shaking body, but it wasn't the air that stilled her, rather, the smell of Shinjiro's cologne. She had taken a curious whiff of it straight from the bottle before and thought it too overbearing, but on him, it smelled warm and inviting.
Her eyelids drooped in defeat, and she slid her arms as far around his chest as she could, clinging to him desperately. Shinjiro felt his heart flutter, and he smiled contently at her sudden change of opinion. He placed a hand on the base of her head and cradled her closer, assuring her as he did that he was there for her.
"It's fine…I'm here…" He whispered into her ear, the warmth of his breath fanning against her sensitive skin, making Ashi shudder. It had been so long since she was held like this. It was intoxicating and she felt as though she could stay like this forever.
They lingered in the embrace until long after the tea had already gone cold. Shinjiro was the first to reluctantly pull back, tucking some loose strands behind her ear. "Are you feeling better?"
Ashi could only manage a tiny nod, not trusting her voice.
"Ashi," Shinjiro tilted her chin to make her look at him. "I want us to continue seeing each other-not in that way," he quickly inserted when he saw her wary expression, "I mean, not that I wouldn't mind down the line…" He could feel his face burning up, this was not going smoothly as he had hoped. "I mean...I want us to be friends. We can be there for each other and help each other out...you know like...friends."
Despite her lingering poor mood, Ashi couldn't help from bursting out with a laugh at his sad attempt to explain himself. Shinjiro twisted his mouth in embarrassment, both from being laughed at, and also because he had never heard Ashi laugh before… at least, not like that. Ashi shook her head slowly, quieting her laughter into snide snickering. It sounded like the teasing laugh of a middle school bully to him, which seemed befitting, since he was blushing like a dorky thirteen-year-old sitting beside his crush.
"What do you mean, "see each other", then?" Ashi looked at him with a tired smile. "You want to keep bringing me food to eat at my apartment..? Or you want to take me out to drink and stuff?"
Shinjiro smiled wide in reply, begging his heart to stop pounding in his chest.
"I mean… well, whatever you would like to do! I wouldn't mind where I see you, as long as I get to…" He relaxed his smile in hopes of coming off as genuine.
Ashi rolled her eyes, but not in the mocking way she always did and playfully smacked his arm. "Even if I said no, you still wouldn't give up, would you?"
Shinjiro could not help but chuckle. "Probably not."
"Horrible!" Ashi said, shaking her head in amusement. "It would probably spare me the headache if I just agree to it then."
Shinjiro could not bite back his excitement at this turn of events. "Ashi, are you saying that"-
"Hold your horses, Shinjiro!" Ashi interjected, holding up a finger between them. "I'm not the kind of person who just buys a car without taking it for a test drive." Not that she could afford one, but it was just to make a point. "Likewise, I'm not just going to commit to this friendship without testing the waters first. I mean, who knows? We might not be able to stand each other. I mean, we're always arguing."
Shinjiro wanted to point out that most of the animosity between them was her own doing, but wisely decided to keep that to himself.
"Very well. That sounds… reasonable." He smiled at her and Ashi laughed at him again, before setting her head down hard against his chest.
"Good. Feed me a dumpling then!" She demanded with her eyes closed as she opened her mouth expectantly. Shinjiro chuckled when he got over his initial surprise, and complied by popping a lukewarm dumpling into her mouth with a pair of takeout chopsticks. He was curious and excited to finally see what her personality was like aside from an angry ball of fury. So far, he liked it, very much.
"Cheers!" Ashi and Shinjiro chimed together, knocking their shot glasses together jovially.
"To friendship!" Ashi joked with mock exuberance. Shinjiro grinned wider.
"To friendship." He echoed, then followed Ashi's motions as she took a shot. He grimaced, unused to drinking such strong alcohol, but he was insistent on not letting his tiny companion outdrink him. They had gone out to eat a few times, but this was their first time at a bar in Shinjuku—of her choosing, of course—and he didn't want to come off as boring. The place was packed with mostly clocked-out company employees in uniform celebrating the start of the weekend. He and Ashi were among the few dressed casually.
Ashi laughed at him when he took a series of gulps from a previously ordered cup of water in an attempt to rinse the bitter taste out of his mouth, and she decided to show him how it was really done, knocking back her drink expertly. She made a satisfying hiss as she idly picked up her grenadine chaser.
"It's...really loud." Shinjiro said for no real reason, feeling a throbbing pulse between his ears that synced with the techno music of the establishment. "...And so warm." He could especially feel the heat on his chest and neck.
"Wow. You're red as a lobster!" Ashi snickered, pointing at him. "Your eyes too! You look like some bloodshot monster!"
Shinjiro narrowed his eyes at her, which made Ashi laugh even harder at his more demonic appearance. Not to be ridiculed, he dipped his fingers into his glass of water and splashed a few droplets at her.
"Hey!" Ashi admonished, looking down at her blouse. "Real mature."
"I was not the one...laughing like...a child." He faltered, closing his eyes, suddenly feeling a little dizzy, like his head was spinning. Ashi, at first, did not notice, used to his quiet nature, and was busy plucking olives from a complimentary bowl. It was only when he groaned with his eyes covered did she look to him in concern.
"Are you all right?" She asked while she chewed. Shinjiro rolled his neck uneasily.
"I think so. I feel a bit lightheaded." He moved his palm back so he could rub his eyes. Ashi couldn't believe it.
"Are you already drunk?" She marveled. "You're such a lightweight!"
"No, of course not..!" Shinjiro defended himself, but he honestly had no idea. "I just haven't eaten anything. I don't think that… alcohol agrees with an empty stomach."
"Oh my God—eat! I don't need you puking and dying on me!" Ashi huffed and pushed the bowl of olives at him. Shinjiro turned his head away by his jaw, not trusting who had been handling that bowl in the busy bar. Ashi rolled her eyes. "You're too good for bar olives?"
She flicked one at his head. Shinjiro didn't even flinch, the olive disappearing somewhere behind him. He looked at her with bleary eyes. "Perhaps...I should find a place to lie down. I mean, just for a little while…"
"Yeah, and have you conk out?" Ashi snorted, "Besides, if bar olives aren't good enough for you, I highly doubt you'd want to lie down on any of the couches here-butts and all."
Shinjiro did not even argue as he rubbed his temples. "I'm sorry...I'm ruining tonight."
"This is the last time I take you out to a bar, that's for sure," Ashi said as she fished for her wallet from her purse, "unless you only drink tea or water."
"What are you…?"
"I'm not going to have you pass out here. I'm taking you home." She slammed a couple of bills on the counter before sliding off the bar stool. She extended her arms and helped him down with no resistance. He slumped back against the counter with an apologetic expression on his face.
"Ashi, I'm so sorry...you don't have to leave though, maybe you can call another friend and"-
"Oh shut it." Ashi said, jabbing him in the chest with a manicured finger. "I can still drink my ass off at your place. You do have some booze, right?"
Shinjiro's face scrunched up in thought. "A pack of light beers...and some sake?"
"Are you serious?" Ashi took a deep breath then exhaled, annoyed. "It's fine, we'll pick something up on the way back."
"Sorry…" Shinjiro mumbled, trying to gather his thoughts. "Let me pay for the drinks instead."
Ashi scoffed playfully.
"It's three shots, Shinjiro." She smirked and grabbed his hand to continue dragging him. "You always insist on paying for everything. Let's go."
Shinjiro couldn't argue with her when she was holding onto his arm, only smiling as he followed her obediently.
They arrived at Shinjiro's condo close to midnight with a bottle of whiskey in hand. Ashi insisted that it made a cold night nice and toasty, and Shinjiro's frozen nose in the autumn air thought that that sounded nice. Unfortunately, in his excitement to leave earlier that evening, he had forgotten to turn the heater on, and the condo was a bit cooler than what either would call comfortable. Perhaps it was the alcohol guiding him, but Shinjiro decided that starting his gas fireplace would help further the cozy atmosphere he was craving, though it was a bit romantic for Ashi's taste. She smiled at him curiously from the couch.
"What are you doing..?" She lolled her head in interest as the flames jumped to life at the turn of a key.
"The fire is nice and warm." Was his answer. An innocent enough answer, she thought. Shinjiro plopped down on the space beside her. Ashi saw no need for glasses and took a swig straight from the whiskey bottle. She passed it to Shinjiro, who took smaller sips. At the back of his head, he could not help but feel giddy at the idea of placing his lips were Ashi's had been.
"Shinjiro…" Ashi's voice was starting to slur from the potent drink. "Why are you making out with the bottle?"
She howled with laughter when the comment actually embarrassed him. Shinjiro looked at his knees, ashamed, and worried if she somehow knew he was thinking about her lips. He jutted the bottle back toward her, but Ashi was laughing too hard to take it from him.
"It wasn't that funny!" He pouted miserably, setting the bottle onto the floor. "I wasn't thinking about kissing at all..!"
Ashi suddenly swayed her body towards his, looking up at him mischievously.
"Oh weren't you?" She adjusted her shoulders so they were square with his, and craned her neck up to stare at him properly. "I bet that… you would kiss me right now if I let you."
Shinjiro's embarrassment flared in shock, and he stared back at her dumbly. He was scared to ask if she was offering or not, but also too eager not to.
"You… you would?" He stammered, and Ashi snickered teasingly.
"Maybe… just one kiss. I bet you're not as good of a kisser as Jack was." She didn't mean to say the last part, but alcohol left her with little to no filter on her mouth. It took her a moment or two to process what she had just said and she opened her mouth once more to clarify she was not being serious. She would have also apologized as well-if Shinjiro's mouth wasn't suddenly on hers.
Ashi gasped in surprise, not only because it was unexpected but also at the way it was making her feel…
She could not help but arch closer to him as an electric thrill ran throughout her body, seemingly reaching out to every nerve ending she had. She had never felt this way before, much less from a kiss.
Not even with Jack.
Her hands found their way to his neck, and she dug her nails into the skin there greedily. Shinjiro gasped at the action, which very well could've been the most arousing sound Ashi had ever heard. She pulled herself closer to him, half in his lap, and hummed in approval when he enveloped her in an embrace. Two people can kiss and it not mean anything, she reminded herself through the haze, this is fine.
Ashi shifted, enjoying the comfort of soft sheets against her bare skin. The bed was unusually cozy and warm, and she didn't want to move too much, lest she wake up fully and be unable to go back to sleep. She moved her arm under the pillow, only to crinkle her eyebrows in confusion when her knuckles pressed up against more skin. Her touch seemed to spur some movement behind her, and she felt an arm, which had been dormant, tighten around her before relaxing again.
Her eyes snapped open when she realized that there was someone else in bed with her, and that someone was just as naked as her. Ashi took a deep breath, trying not to freak out, thinking she was probably still sleeping, hanging on the last vestiges of a dream because there was no way she could be naked in bed with someone else. Unfortunately, that theory was shot down when the aforementioned person pressed their body closer to hers and swung a leg over. All while nuzzling their face into her hair with a contented sigh.
Ashi went still in shock, completely entangled in this person's touch. Her shock then turned to horror when she looked down at the muscular arm holding her in place and immediately recognized to whom it belonged to.
This...can't be happening. Ashi's brain scrambled in panic. This can't be real.
Her mind rushed to remember the events of the night before, and just as it dawned on her that she and Shinjiro had made it from the couch to his bed, the man in question mumbled against her neck.
"God, my head hurts." The hoarseness of his voice mixed endearingly with his lighthearted tone. Shinjiro cleared his throat and stretched against her, still not fully awake himself, and Ashi felt the shivers run all the way up to her ears. The first time that she laid in bed like this with Jack, she had been amazed how his muscles could be so toned, and yet so comfortable to cuddle against. Why did he have to be so much like him?
It took Shinjiro another minute or so before his brain was working well enough to realize that he was nude in bed with Ashi. His eyes widened in surprise, but Ashi was either not awake or not complaining, and a glimmer of optimism spurred him confidently forward. He lined kisses from the back of her neck to her ear, enjoying the feel of her skin against his mouth.
"Did you sleep well...?" He rolled her towards him more so he could see her face. Her saucer-wide eyes made his confidence slip immediately. "Ashi…?"
Ashi gritted her teeth, trying not to scream. She could not even look him in the eye, skirting her gaze to his hair, which had been tousled in sleep with loose strands falling over his forehead.
Shinjiro, noticing the ripe blush across her face, could not help but smile, thinking she was just being bashful. He lowered his lashes and leaned down to give her a morning kiss. Ashi, seeing his face closing in, let out a yelp and shoved his face away from her.
"The hell do you think you're doing?!" She yelled, pulling the quilt up to her chin as she sat up. "What is wrong with you?"
Shinjiro cupped his cheek, staring in shock at her outrage. "What…?"
Ashi wrapped her body with the covers as best as she could, then quickly planted her feet to the floor. She winced as she stood, feeling sore all over and unsteady on her legs as though she-oh god, she did not even want to think about what could have likely caused it. She whipped around to point at her bedmate accusingly.
"You—you beast!" She squeezed her eyes shut while she yelled at him, desperately gripping the sheets that covered her chest. "You! Are! A! Total! Pervert!"
Her shrill voice coupled with his already pounding head made him wince, but Shinjiro was more confused than hurt. He sat up with a passive frown on his mouth.
"Ashi, what is the matter?"
"You got me drunk and then got me into bed with you! You—!" Ashi tugged the sheets closer amidst her tirade, unintentionally yanking them away from Shinjiro's lap. She squeaked at the sight of his bare crotch and hurriedly turned away. Shinjiro looked down and blushed, even though he was uncertain why either of them should be so modest now. He found his underwear on the side of the bed and got up to put them on before trying to argue with her further.
"But—Ashi it was your idea to move to the bedroom last night…!"
"Don't you dare try to pin all this on me!" Ashi yelled, her back still turned to him. "You sick creep!"
Shinjiro felt his skin crawl in indignation and strode over to her. Ashi yelped as he grasped her shoulder and spun her around to face him. "I did not plan for any of this either," He said, trying to keep his voice level, "We were both drunk. You know I would never take advantage of you like that. We both have to share the blame for...whatever transpired last night, we were both willing participants"
"Willing?" Ashi shook her head in disbelief at his words, pulling away from him in disgust. "Saying that like I just made an informed decision to jump in bed with you!"
"You know what I mean!" Shinjiro cried out, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Stop cherry picking the details, you can't pin all this on me either! Last night happened and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. We just have to accept it."
"Oh, that's rich!" Ashi exclaimed with a mocking lilt. "So I guess your way of "accepting it" is carrying on from last night!" She stared unflinchingly as though daring him to deny his intimate behavior just moments after he woke up. Shinjiro's cheeks lit up before he frowned at the floor in annoyed embarrassment.
"...The way you asked for more and more last night, I surely didn't think you'd mind a kiss." He grumbled.
Ashi stared at him in wide-eyed, angry shock, her face burning with embarrassment of her own. Without hesitating, she slapped her hands up against his bare chest and shoved him over onto the bed. Shinjiro landed on his back with an oof, and laid on the bed for a moment, stunned at her lashing out at him now after weeks of having their relationship steadily improve.
"Ashi—!" He tried to sit up, wanting to scold her for resorting to such childish behavior, when she leapt onto him to continue pummeling him. She beat on his chest, interchanging between using her fists and her palms when she felt her punches were not making a painful enough sound against his skin.
"You're horrible!" She wailed. "How could you say something so totally gross!"
"You can call it gross but it's still the truth." He stated, taking the beating with a layer of calm.
This only served to infuriate her more and she reached up to yank his hair. Since it was shorter than his feudal counterpart's, she had to claw at his scalp, making Shinjiro hiss in pain. "Are you kidding me?!"
He brought his hands up, coiling at her wrists. Both of them tugging for release. Unfortunately, the only ones released were the sheets from Ashi's loose knots. Shinjiro's eyes widened as they slipped off, seeing Ashi's body up close in daylight for the first time...and not to mention sober. His grip slacked and she immediately rolled off of him to cover herself up once more.
"I can't catch a fucking break!" She shouted at the ceiling, cursing at whatever god or deity was up there. She hugged one of his pillows to her front, refusing to look at him while she huffed to get her breath back. The pillow did nothing to hide Shinjiro's view of her back, and the curves all the way down to her ass made him feel like a dorky preteen again, having to look away and comb at his hair to compose himself. He sucked in a breath and shifted closer to her.
"Ashi." He spoke much more gently now, and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jerked it away as he expected her to, but it seemed more like she was pouting and less like she was still furious. Shinjiro smiled softly at that and pushed himself onward. He pressed up against her back, trying to get her to cuddle against him without wrapping her up in his arms.
"Ashi, it's okay… you don't need to be upset." He sighed into her hair. "Was… sex with me really that bad…?"
No, she thought unhappily, it wasn't. That was the entire problem. Despite his proximity, she found herself too tired to reignite hostility and merely groaned into the pillow.
"Shinjiro...Last night was a mistake." She said quietly, closing her eyes. "It won't happen again."
"Ashi-"
She quickly cut him off. "And it won't happen again because I can't see you anymore. This time for good."
Her words immediately sent Shinjiro into a panic, and he grabbed her to forcefully face him.
"Ashi—don't say that! Why should we not see each other again?" His mouth trembled nervously when she refused to meet his gaze. He tucked a hand under her jaw to lift her head up, enough to see her eyes. "Please, this doesn't have to be a bad thing! Our relationship changing can be for the better…!"
The desperate look in his eyes made Ashi sick to her stomach, and she moved her focus to stare at the bed again.
"No, it can't. I didn't want this kind of a relationship with you… and I don't want to see you again."
Shinjiro thought his heart might burst from the anxiety.
"No, no—okay! This doesn't need to be something we ever do again. We can just pretend like it never happened." He smiled shakily, but it faltered the longer Ashi continued to ignore him. He tilted her chin up slowly until she finally relented and looked at him.
"Please, Ashi. I need you."
She could see that he was trying to blink back his tears, his long lashes getting wet and spiky. Ashi had seen this same look a few times before from Jack. He had rarely ever cried, and when he did it was out of overwhelming emotion. Like when he first found her in the busy streets of Shibuya.
"Shinjiro listen…" Ashi carefully set her hands over his. "We can't do this anymore…" She sucked in some air, bracing herself for her next words. "We can't use each other anymore."
Shinjiro's jaw dropped. "What?"
"Look," Ashi explained, "I've always known from the beginning. Agreeing to see each other and all that, I knew the real score...and I didn't mind but this changes everything. We can't"-
"No."
His sudden firm tone startled her.
"Wh… What do you mean "no"!? I'm not suggesting this!" She frowned at him, but Shinjiro glared right back at her.
"What do you mean, "using each other"!? You think I'm just using you as a replacement or something?" He hesitated a moment, then sneered at his next thought. "Have you just been using me!?"
Ashi squeezed the pillow tighter, hoping her stare alone would be enough to rebuff his accusatory tone.
"Don't try to spin it like that…! You know it's always been about them, whether we thought of it like that or not!" Her explanation didn't settle Shinjiro's anger at all.
"Are you kidding me?" He barked at her. "I've never thought that way about you! Why are you so obsessed with that idea!?"
"Shinjiro, please!" It was not lost on her that this time it was her trying to calm him down. In their time together, Shinjiro had never made an angry outburst such as this. It was a strange turn of events. "What we've been through...it's all one big confusing mess...and we both wanted to fill in the gaps."
"Fill in the gaps?!" He scowled at her more. "You really are convinced! That this is all some kind of make-believe game!"
"Shinjiro, listen"-
"No, you listen." He shot to his feet, standing in front of her huddled form on the bed. "Do you want to know what I really think? You're just making excuses. You're in denial."
Ashi couldn't stop herself from spitting out the first taste of venom that ran across her tongue.
"You're in denial! Neither of us will ever be better than our other selves, and that's just how it is! We can't compare, we're just a poor substitute!" Maybe, in the back of her mind, she knew what she really meant; that she was the poor substitute, but Shinjiro heard it the opposite.
He glowered down at her, mulling over the implication that she'd always seen him as a step-in for that damn prince. Ashi watched his eyes, which looked like they were trying to see something in her, and were angry that they couldn't find it.
Without another word, he turned and stormed out of the room as calmly as he could, intent on getting some aspirin for the headache that was now too painful to bear. Ashi stared after him in disbelief that he'd turn his back on her like that.
"Hey!" She shouted after him. Her mouth bunched up unhappily when he didn't reply. The way he had looked at her bothered her despite her best attempts to tell herself that it didn't. What, did he finally decide she's not worth his time?
Ashi flung the pillow across the room, watching it hit the wall and land on the floor with a soft thud. She stood up and quickly scoured for her discarded clothes, which was like a scavenger hunt, finding her panties dangling from the tip of a katana display on the wall of all places!
Oh, of course! She thought, as she retrieved them, then hastily put her wrinkled clothes on.
She padded over to the open doorway, peeking into the empty hall. Shinjiro was probably in the kitchen and the sound of dish clatter and running water confirmed her thought a second later. She could not help but bristle at the fact that he was just choosing to ignore the conversation they just had. If that was the case, she saw no reason why she should stick around either!
Ashi prayed that with all the ninja warrior skills her past self was equipped with, some stealth hopefully trickled down to her.
"Come on, self, you at least owe me that." She mumbled to herself. Her footsteps were thankfully silent as she made her way to the front door, but she did have to pass by the entryway to the kitchen to get to it. Ashi peeked into the room, and was relieved for only a moment to see Shinjiro working with his back turned to her. She felt a bit of shame for how listless he looked chopping something on a cutting board, and a bit of shame for the scratch marks along his back, and how damn good he looked in just his briefs.
She aggressively reminded herself that she was leaving for good, and it was his own stupid fault for being a jerk… even if that was only kind of true.
As quiet as she was, Shinjiro still heard the door click shut as she left. He sighed through his nose, but again expected as much from her. And this time maybe he would listen to her demands and leave her alone, since apparently, he was nothing special to her. He was getting used to making meals for one again anyway.
He reached for an onion and watched the mechanical movements of his hands as he diced it, the fumes reaching his eyes and nose. This was fine. The tears and sniffling were completely normal when cooking...whatever the hell he was making.
Ashi didn't hear his whimpering down the hall from his door, but she paused and turned back as she neared the elevator. She hated how disappointed she was that he wasn't rushing after her. Her wrist betrayed her, because obviously she hadn't meant to, but she knew that she closed that door loud enough for him to hear it.
Her heart thudded with a wince of guilt, thinking that she really hurt him about exploiting each other's company, but she ignored it by being angry again. If it hurt him to face the truth, that wasn't her problem. She had tried to be nice about it but he wouldn't listen without her yelling at him!
Still, her shoulders drooped as she walked, remembering how just a few minutes ago he was begging her to stay with him. What had changed so much since then? Did he now see her as some unloveable bitch, who wasted his time and affection pretending he was someone else, even though that was a lie? Ashi entered the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby. Her head hurt too much to think about it anymore.
As the elevator doors started to close, a part of her still held out that in the shrinking gap, she'd see him sprint towards her. It was stupid. She was stupid.
Of course Shinjiro wouldn't, especially after now seeing her for who she truly was, without the tinted glasses.
And if he hated her now...
Well, that makes two of us.
