Zombie-in-laws

Chapter 2: The Village is in BIG Trouble

What's scarier than a zombie chasing you? A zombie with super-speed and or chain powers that knows you abused its child.

The Konoha members of the ninja alliance could honestly say that they had been dreading coming home.

After their rather…unforgettable revival, Minato and Kushina finally realized what they'd been doing and ran off in embarrassment. It took their son to find them and admit that, while he was unnerved, was just happy to have them back in his life. Naruto also, in a small bit of uncharacteristically leader-like behavior, ordered Ino to get all the Yamanakas to erase the memories of the other ninjas involved.

Then there had been the battle of the ages, which made up for the lack of saving the world:

Minato and Kushina vs. Sarutobi…..

"I can explain!" Sarutobi hollered as deflected many of Minato's kunai with his staff

"I don't want to hear it!" Minato and Kushina both screamed. "You could've kept Kurama a secret! You could've just said we sealed it into the ground and that our son might have gotten the leftovers! You could've made sure only the elders knew! Oh! And you could've adopted him, you stupid, chain smoking, limp-dicked, perverted, overly nice senior citizen!"

Hashirama and Tobirama simply watched in amazement as their student was pummeled with an inch of his un-life by the descendant of Mito and their blonde brother-in-rank.

"Mom, dad…" Naruto said. "As much as I kind of agree with what you're saying…the Old man was still the first person who made my life liveable, so…."

"Ease off on killing him again?" Minato asked

"Y-yeah."

Kushina grumbled, memories of when Sarutobi helped her filling her head

"You owe him big time, Smokey Saru."

Tobirama and Hashirama suddenly burst into laugher

"Smokey Saru! That's a good one!" Hashirama teared.

"I'm keeping that one." Tobirama smirked as he jotted the name down in a suddenly appearing notebook

Shortly after that, the First 3 Hokage returned to the underworld, happy to have helped…even though they really didn't do much. With that, the war was decreed over at only 3 days of fighting and everyone returned home.

Throughout the whole trip, Minato and Kushina stood nearby their son, learning everything about his life. They'd never been prouder….

"THEY WHAT?!"

Or angrier when they finally learnt the…less than pleasant events of their son's life so far.

"At least he avoided it until the end." Shikamaru whispered.

With that knowledge, the two had stormed into the village and taken over the Hokage mansion the minute Tsundae had brought everyone up to speed.

"Honey." Kushina sighed. "I'll handle this."

She ignored the hoots and hubba-hubbas (Naruto on the other hand snarled as shoutbed 'that's my mom, you pigs!) before clearing her throat.

"This is a cookie jar; we'll say it's my son." Kushina explained to the masses as she pulled something from behind her. "THIS is a cookie; we'll say it Kurama."

She then did what most people would do with the two objects; place the cookie in the jar.

"Now…has the jar become the cookie?" She growled.

"No, and what does this have to do with…Oooooh." The civilians (minus the Ichirakus) said in realization.

"I regret so much…" Several of the academy instructors and Naruto's former classmates whimpered. Iruka, who was watching from the sides, took 'slight' pleasure at this.

"Now, let's talk about punishment…" Kushina smiled evilly as her hair began to flare and she cracked her knuckles. "This is a military dictatorship after all, and harming a solider, never mind the child of one, is punishable by…well, you idiots should be able to figure it out."

One particularly brave (or stupid, your choice) civilian, Hibachi, stepped forward

"L-Lord and Lady Uzumaki…." He started, only to be grabbed by chains and then pulled upward.

"You nearly got my baby killed…" Kushina growled, remembering a childhood memory of Naruto's; Hibachi had at first been a normal bully, but he crossed the line when he sent her son to an area filled with enemy ninja on the pretense he'd become his friend if he did. If it hadn't been for Kakashi and Iruka…

"Minato, control your wife!" Elder Homura demanded, only to be glared at by the undead father, who pinned him and Koharu to the wall with kunai.

"Silence." The Fourth Hokage growled. "We'll get to you soon enough."

"I warned you." Tsunade smiled impishly at the sight, happy that the elders who had plagued her to no end where getting some payback.

"People of Konoha." Minato started, causing all to fall silent. "Unless you want me to get angry, do not utter another word until I'm done and FUCKING listen to me."

Minato had never once sworn in his entire life.

"You have disappointed me more than I have disappointed myself. I grew up loving this village; it took an orphan like me off the streets and molded him into something great; so great in fact, that only his wife and Raikage A rivalled him. When I finally became Hokage I was so grateful and happy to be giving back to my home…but not nearly as happy as when I learnt I was going to have a son."

Tsume Inuzuka, Choza Akimichi, Kizashi Haruno and Hiashi Hyuuga listened well to their old friend's words; remembering how he'd been grinning like his wife when he told them about the baby. Heck, Hiashi and Kizashi remembered him doing the can-can all throughout their class reunion.

"Many of you would understand the feeling; knowing a life that you had a part in will soon be with you." Minato continued. "A life that will depend on you, look up to you, model itself around you…A life that, even before it begins, you know you would happily die to protect."

"My life on October 10th, 17 years ago this hour was perfect; a beautiful wife, soon-to-be bon son, leader of my village and a bright future….As I sealed away Kurama, I thought that, when I passed, my son would receive the same treatment I had, so as my final wish and order as a Kage, I entrusted every single person in the village to guide, nurture and respect him for what he did before he could even speak or walk."

Kushina then walked to join her husband, her hand over his. As she cleared his tears, a shadow clone of their son (the real one with his friends), came up and hugged him.

"Dad…." Naruto whispered. "This can wait…"

Minato silenced his son with a raise of his hand and sighed.

"But it seems I had too much faith in you people. Instead…." Minato growled, his chakra flaring. "From within his mind, we saw our child fall down with almost no one bothering to pick him up, starving him, and forcing him to live in dumps unsuitable for rats. We felt his 11 year long stretch of loneliness and anguish. We wished beyond all else to comfort him, even if only slightly…But Shingami wouldn't let us. Any half decent parent can understand the feeling."

"Now look at him." Kushina smiled as she looked at her son, pride at him obvious in her tone and eyes, as was hatred to those she spoke to. "He's secured more alliances than any other shinobi, had a bridge named after him when he was 12 and saved this village from one of the most powerful shinobi to grace the planet. Only then he did that did you give him the respect he deserves…."

"Don't forget de-facing Hokage Monument in broad daylight while wearing an orange jump-suit before he graduated." Minato added. "Seriously, why does no one ever remember that?"

[AN: Fanfics don't count and you know it]

"And how come I never thought of it?" Kushina asked aloud.

Kizashi, seeing his wife wasn't looking, smirked in the crowd, proud of the boy for doing it.

"Nevertheless, despite our anger at YOU PEOPLE, we are even more proud of how mature our son has handled the situation." Minato smiled as he wrapped an arm around Naruto. "He's even helped others in similar situations become better people and do you know how may time revenge entered his head? Once, after the murder of my dear teacher and his godfather…"

"Who I will be having a LONG talk with in the near future." Kushina butted in. No one questioned how; they knew Kushina would somehow do it.

"…And despite all this…he grew up to be an even greater man than we could've hoped for." Minato smiled as he Hirashined down to hug his real son before returning to join his wife, who smiled loviningly at him.

"However, while our son has rather maturely decided to forgive and forget; we, as parents, can and will not stand for this."

Everyone froze in fear. They knew what this meant…

"I'd run if I were in your shoes." Naruto whispered to the crowd.

Kushina had decapitated Hibachi with a twist of her chains before turning her attention to the elders in and smiling evilly.

"I never really liked you old croods much anyway." She laughed as she rammed a hand through Homura's neck and sliced Koharu in half. She didn't eat them however; knowing that unlike Orochimaru, their battle skills had waned into non-existence and they'd probably be too chewy for her tastes.

Minato, roaring like a man possessed, flung his kunai throughout the now dispersing crowd. Runnning did nothing but enrage him even more.

Soon, there was a mountain of half-eaten corpses in the village center

"Now, think about what you've done, you know?" Kushina smiled. "We'll pick this up in the morning. Come along, sochi. Ichiraku's awaits."

That was the way the village functioned for a week; Minato and Kushina would awaken and go on a day-long killing spree to avenge any misdeed done unto their son; from the most severe (being kicked out of the orphanage at age three and a half) and something that seemed incredibly minor (trying to get into his good graces after insulting him without truly meaning it).

Throughout all of this; two figures watched the scene with interest:

Black Zetsu with seething hatred towards the younger blonde…the brat had ruined mother's machinations to the point it would take at least another 600 years before he could try again. Naruto Uzumaki had to die.

The other figure, their presence undetectable even by Naruto's powers, smiled and thought.

"This is going to be fun…"

Read and Review!

For anyone who comes close to guessing who the second figure is, a virtual cookie.

And now, for the very first time…

Mrotrax presents….

OMAKE: You're a Mean One, Mrs. Otsuki

The mother of Chakra, the rabbit goddess. Kaguya Otsuki went by many names. For some reason, she found herself floating in a void.

Suddenly, a voice cried out:

Onoki: You're a mean one, Mrs. Otsuki.

"What in…"

A: You really are a heel.

"A what?"

Gaara: You're as cuddly as a cactus,

Tsunade: And as charming as an eel,Mrs. Otsuki.

Might Guy: You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

She suddenly sensed more presences, all holding scripts and dressed in formal attire.

Army: You're a monster, Mrs. Otsuki!

Hashirama and Madara, moving their hands like conductors, motioned the army (who were suprisingly good at sing) to raise their voices to the max.

Army: Your heart's an empty hole!

Shino: Your brain is full of spiders.

Tenten: You've got garlic in your soul, Mrs. Otsuki!

Jiraiya: I wouldn't touch you with a…Thirty-nine and a half foot pole!

For some reason, the Rabbit goddess found herself offended and slightly hurt by the pervert's comments.

Kiba, leading the Inuzkua clan: You're a foul one, Mrs. Otsuki.

Hinata: You're a nasty wasty skunk.

Ino then appeared out of nowhere and emptied a laundry basket onto Kaguya.

Ino: Your heart is full of unwashed socks.

Lee: Your soul is full of gunk,

Army: Mrs. Otsuki!

Kakashi suddenly appeared in his game-show clothes, with three other characters hidden in shadows.

Kakashi: The three best words that best describe you, are as follows, and I quote:

One by one, the lights shine on the hidden characters, revealing…

Sarutobi: Stink!

Shikamaru: Stank!

Sakura: Stunk!

Kaguya took the skies in an attempt to fly away from the crazy mortals, trying to drum out their 'whoas' and activate the Infinte Tsykomi, only to sense nine presences and feel the hot breath of nine giant mouths.

The Biju: You nauseate me, Mrs. Otsuki!

The Rabbit-Godess suddenly found herself yanked upside down

Kurama/Shukaku: With a nauseous super nos!

She was tehn pulled toward the two zombies, just finishing off Orochimaru and Kabuto.

Kushina: You're a crooked jerky jockey…

Minato: You drive a crooked horse…

Army: Mrs. Otsuki!

The Rabbit goddess suddenly found slammed between two massive slices of bagette with mushrooms and a mysterious vegetable.

Hashirama: You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich,

The fourth Hokage suddenly appeared over the sandwich and opened a bottle, releasing a molasses like liqud.

Minato: With arsenic sauce!

The two zombies then licked their lips as the mother of chakra tried in vain to escape. As she tried in vain to break free, the last sight she ever had was the entire army singing the final line at the top of their lungs:

Army (lead by Naruto): You're a mean one…MRS…OTSU….KI!"

No one heard her screaming in anger and insanity over the singing.

And with that, the Naruto series ended and this story begins.

XXXX

"Well." Tonrei Otsuki sighed. "Guess our movie is not happening. Pack it up guys!"

Sounds of discontent were heard throughout his supporters.

"But I was going to be the reason SasuSaku and ChoKar happen!" The strongest supporter whined, pulling out several sheets. "I even had my speech planned and everything!"

"I know, my friend." Tonrei sighed. "But the author of this story clearly doesn't care for the canon pairings/endings and without my ancestor, we have no need to get involved."

"Not necessarily…" The Kunochi said.

"Eh?"

"The author is planning to adapt several movies for his Team Dobe universe…including The Last. And he isn't against the canon ending per say…he does agree it was rushed though, and still has pairing favorites. Not quite enough to agree with banning though."

"But Team Dobe still in the first major arc of 8 arcs!" Tonrei sighed. "And with his college and work schedule, he can't update on a regular basis, never mind his Junchuriki Gundam and Loyalty to my Mother stories!"

"Well, maybe someone will help him."

What you think? My first omake, feel free to redo/expand.