Author's Note: Yes guys! First fanfic and I am having a blast! When Skyrim first came out I looked around on this site and I was like, "Skyrims very cool, but why does everyone have to go into the "adventure format" story style?" Where is the random humor? I came up with this idea of letters, but never really went though with it. Almost two years later I finally made an account and started on my pet project. It's been a ton of fun for me (I hope you had a laugh too), so just sit back and lolz as you see Tullius deal with the war and dragons, cope with skooma and love, butter up royalty and Thalmor, and other silly randomness though letters. And also special thanks to searece, voltagelisa, valerianus, guest, and ghost132435 for reviews n follows! To be completely honest, it doesn't "mean the world to me, or light up a 4th o July smile" like all the other authors on the site, but I still appreciate it so go head n follow review!
Dear Brynjolf,
Normally I do not bother with speaking to lower class hooligans such as yourself (no offense meant of course) but it has come to my attention that my entire reserve of sweet rolls suddenly vanished yesterday. I will politely request that you return them to Castle Dour before the week is up. If I do not see stacks of sweet rolls piled up in the courtyard by then I will have to…uh..unleash my immanent fury on you! Yeah, so fuck off milk drinker!
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Galmar Stone-Fist,
Perhaps the best way to express your feelings to your superior is to confess to him. Yes it will then be incredibly awkward between you two, and will immensely cripple the Stormcloak war effort; but remember, this is in the interest of love my friend.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Ulfric Stormcloak,
No, it is not unusual at all for a subornate of the same sex to confess their undying love to their commander in front of the entire court. I'm sure a bunch of racist, magic-hating, discriminating, drunk Nords will have absolutely no problem with a gay high king! In fact I have already arranged a honeymoon for you and Galmar to go to Solstheim; I've heard the weather there is lovely!
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Legate Rikke,
Now we strike! The fools are off to a frozen wasteland; we assault Windhelm at first light tomorrow! Long live the Empire!
Regards, General Tullius
P.S. You think if I wasn't a Legion general I could make a good couple's counselor?
Dear Brynjolf,
Dirty son of bitch, cutting off the mead supply to Solitude was low even for you. You can keep the sweet rolls, I hope you choke on em'.
Regards, General Tullius
Dear Elenwen,
There is no lady half as wise, powerful, deadly, beautiful, sexy, et cetera et cetera as yourself. I'm sorry you intercepted the letter I sent to a dear friend concerning my stance on the you, the Thalmor and Aldmeri Dominion. Rest assured my lady, I would never call you a "knife-eared whore" or that your kind's skin color looks like my piss.
Regards, General Tullius
P.S. Please reframe from sending a dozen assassins
