Chapter Title: Lies, Dreams, and the Language of the Gods

Comments: I think someone mentioned this, I can't be sure. But to get italics/bold/underlined script, you actually have to write up your story in Word Pad but save it as *.html. That's what I found out. *Shrug* Anyway.

[EDIT] I would have updated sooner, but the floppy this was on went screwy and decided to be a bitch at the last moment. Darn! Me and my excuses....

- - -

"A Squirrel. I win."

Heads turned to Torsem and Gabrielle, who were talking together. Torsem looked put out while Gabrielle grinned. "Hand over the cash – er, chestnuts."

Torsem handed her a pawful of candied chestnuts. "It wasn't a fair bet – you read ahead in the script!"

The onlookers started doubting the youngsters' sanity.

- - -

"Ahem," Ravensnow, the silhouetted creature, said quietly. How dare they, those young snips, ruining her entrance! She had practiced banging open those doors - the small wicker gates on the edges of the abbey were silent - and it was harder than it looked! They just didn't appreciate their freedom, she thought, being completely off-topic and neglecting the fact that she too was a free beast now. "Ahem!" She said again, louder this time.

Her attempts at being noticed were drowned out by Torsem's shouts of "Cheater! Cheater! You Mary Suuuuuue!" and Gabrielle's gasp of disbelief and anger, so she used this time by licking her paws then wiping them around her eyes and pinching her cheeks to make them look rosier – neglecting the fact that her fur was red and that it would make little difference – and as if she had finished crying.

When still nobeast paid attention to her but instead to Gabrielle, who was shouting, "Your father was a Marty Stu and your mother was a Mary Sue!" and Torsem's screech of "How dare you insult my family that way!", she started slashing her claws against her skin to make scratches, wincing because of the pain.

'No! I must be strong!' She thought. 'My beloved parents had worse than this! They died to give me freedom' –

Um, no, they just died. For no reason.

Raven gasped. 'Shut up, stop reading my mind! And stop bad-mouthing my extremely unlucky, piteous, and beautiful family!'

So Raven kept slashing herself, thinking angsty, sad, sob-worthy thoughts while Torsem and Gabrielle ran around the hall, one chasing the other with a broom while the elders watched in horrified fascination.

"Where did we go wrong?" Abbot Leffin shook his head sadly.

Sister Sara sobbed. "And all the times I was rude to them – if only I had known they were mentally challenged, I wouldn't even had thought of it! Oh, how I regret it now…"

Drake Spike, late descendent of Ambrose Spike, was angry, however. "Oooh, my great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather knew they should have made St. Ninians' an Insane Asylum, but nooooo, it had to be church instead, didn't it? Well, look at all the good that did!"

- - -

Ravensnow was peeved. She had never been ignored for this long – even in the forest, birds had song for her, awestruck by her beauty, and here she was, in a bloody Abbey, and nobeast paid the slightest attention to her and her drool-worthy beauty! This went against every law in The Book of The Mary Sue, though Ravensnow knew not the meaning of 'Mary Sue'… nevertheless, it was blasphemy!

She knew she had to take things within her own paws. This had gone on long enough. Ravensnow walked drunkenly to the inside of the circle the beasts had made around Gabrielle and Torsem in an effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and then brought the back of her paw to her forehead with a flourish, and swooped into a graceful faint, complete with a little "Ooohh…".

That got their attention.

"Oh, my, look at that extremely unlucky, piteous, and beautiful creature and her wondrous crimson fur! We must help her!"

"Goodness me, see those awful, obviously-fake-yet-deep scratches on her wrists! She must have fainted from the unfathomable pain!"

More like lack of attention…

Meanwhile, Torsem and Gabrielle had stopped their brainless charade, faced with the confrontation of their first Mary Sue. They immediately made up and apologized for their insults, knowing they would need the other's help in saving the Abbey from the dreaded Sue.

"Now, now!" The Abbot said loudly, getting everybeasts' attention. "We will resume the feast tomorrow, but for now I suggest we all lay our heads down to sleep. Would all the brothers and sisters of the order come forward, please, while our helpers help the Dibbuns up to bed?"

If anybeast didn't agree, they obviously didn't show it, because he was the Abbot, and the Abbot's word was law, whether they agreed or not. Yet Abbots have a tendency to disguise his commands with questions.

Gabrielle coughed. "Interesting, I'm sure, Miss Philosopher, but that's way off topic…"

Oh. Sorry.

So everybeast herded off, some to their duties, others to their beds. It may not look like it, but running after somebeast with a broom and shouting insults was very tiring, so Gabrielle and Torsem stumbled up to their rooms, minds buzzing with questions.

- - -

Somehow, during all the gaping and shouting, Ravensnow had fallen asleep. She had the most beautiful dream. In her dream, she was surrounded by sweet-smelling fog – which was a somewhat disgusting pink in any other beasts' mind, but her mind was already twisted and not functioning right since the moment she was born, so she thought it was a lovely color. Anyway, it was dark. Everywhere she looked, darkness followed, like a bad dream of fouls things that refused to let any light through. But then – a light! The light came from a handsome mouse in armor who's expression made Raven feel safe and tranquil.

But, oh, how handsome he was! Almost as good looking as Raven herself, which was saying something - in her own twisted mind, anyway. No beast would ever get close to her real beauty! Nevertheless, Raven smiled. He must be her future husband! Only the best with a heart as pure as hers could claim her hand, and she was sure that he was The One. He would kneel before her any second now, and ask for her hand and say that he had dreamed of her many nights and had fallen hopelessly in love with her –

She couldn't help it. She burst out – "Marry me!"

The mouse's expression went from easy to disturbed in a flash. "Er, no thanks, I'm already taken –"

Raven couldn't believe it. A male refusing her offer to take her hand? He musnt have realized that this was a once in a life time occurrence! But if he was already taken, and refused, he must have the purest heart of all, to refuse her beauty for the one he loved. Awww! So Raven decided to give him another chance. She was the best he'll ever get, anyway.

She had quite a surprise when he stood in front of her and said clearly, slowly, "Listen, child, to what I have to tell you…"

Child? One point off on the rating chart there. She couldn't have a husband that called her 'child'…

Nevertheless, Raven bent forward to hear. She jumped when she heard –

"SCRAM!!"

She gave a start, staring at the mouse in armor with wide eyes. "Wha – what?"

The mouse nodded. "You heard me, Sue! Begone from this place, we do not welcome you, we cannot allow these sacred stones to be tainted with your Sue-ness!"

Then the dream ended, and Raven woke abruptly, sitting up, and found herself in a infirmary or sorts.

"That was disturbing…" She muttered. "It was just a bad dream. Just a bad, very bad dream…"

- - -

Torsem, too, had a dream, as did Gabrielle. In fact, it was the same dream, a joint dream. Both found themselves surrounded by thick fog and pitch blackness everywhere. Then came the light, and soon from that light emerged Martin the Warrior, guardian spirit of Redwall.

Neither Gabrielle nor Torsem knew what to think. Nowadays, appearances from Martin were perfectly summarized as 'cliché', but were always truthful and helpful. Was there to be a war soon, or maybe he was here to ease their troubles minds…? Yet both noticed his expression looked slightly disturbed, as if trying to forget a bad dream. Nevertheless, his voice made the two skeptics feel warm and secure.

"You two are the wisest beasts among us about Mary Sues. That is why you must use your sarcasm, cunning, and knowledge to drive her out of Redwall so that those of us up in Dark Forest who actually know what's going on can sleep peacefully again. But it won't be that easy – she will hypnotize and brainwash countless to help her with her demonic deeds. You must save them from her clenches! Follow her, make sure she doesn't infect us all with her Sue-ness!"

The pair nodded. So the Sue was a danger to their humanity – eh, beastliness or whatever, after all!

"She can only be killed with logic. You must wipe away any hint of her presence after she has gone so that the Mary Sue-ness does not linger and affect countless others."

"But how can we kill her with logic?" Gabrielle cried.

"Point out things to her – her strangeness, the pure facts, anything she does – that defies the laws of Boyle and Charles!"

Torsem blinked. "Uh, what are the two gas laws of pressure and temperature doing here?"

Martin frowned and glared at the script in his paw. "No idea, it was in the script, and keep in mind I get paid for this." He looked up. "But you noticed it right away – that's exactly what you need to kill the fearsome Ravensnow Silkpaw."

"And what about when we need help – for example, if the Sue uses her Sue-ness to transport herself impossible to us?"

"The author knows the way, children, the author knows the way…" Martin said as he started fading away.

"Wait!" Gabrielle shouted. "Weren't you supposed to speak in rhyme?"

Martin stopped, but kept fading away. He shouted, through the fog, "Too lazy to make one up!"

Torsem blinked. "Well, that was… interesting."

- - -

The two woke at the same time, and immediately looked at each other.

"Was it simply a dream, or…?" Gabrielle asked.

Suddenly, Torsem noticed a roll of parchment in his hand. "How'd that get here?" he asked aloud.

"Just open it already!"

Slowly, Torsem did so, and read the message within.

This was not a dream! You realize I'm geting paid for this!?!

-Martin

Gabrielle blinked. "Our Abbey Guardian sure is full of surprises."

- - -

Early chapter, so no replies to reviews yet. Yet. Yeeet.

Oh, and sorry for dragging on the scene with Raven and Martin. I was bursting with ideas. Yet another one for the chapter title; the 'language of the gods' thing. That will actually come later because this chapter would be huge and long if I had put that in there. Scenes lead to other scenes leading to other scenes… yep.

[EDIT] Here be thanks for the reviews from the last chapter.

JulyFlame: Two reviews from you, I feel loved. Me, drive a Sue insane? That would illogical... very illogical... hm... And sure, I'll squeeze an orange tree in there somewhere.

Alpha Draconis1: No idea. I guess the only way is to give them numerous faults and make their gifts small and unrecognisable. Like hedious features and a pea-size brain... no idea at all. *Shrug*

CDingo: Maybe so, but Supersour Manjojuice made me choke on my carrot cake. :) She and Raven should meet one day... anyway, go for it. I'd love to see Supersour in action. Thanks for reviewing!

Psycho Violinist of Silentwood: Dun dun dun duuuun... Take a wiiiiiiild guess. Thanks for the review!

RedFerret15: *Backs away slowly... slowly...* Um, if there was an angst era here, I never noticed it. I'm glad it made you laugh though. Gee, I never did get around to your stories...

Aubreta: Why, thanks, that's the point: to poke fun at the Sues until they are black and blue. Glad you're enjoying Raven's mental torture.

Liaranne: Hey, thanks lots! It really wouldn't be half as much fun without the skeptics... heh heh heh...

TurquoisePhoenix: *Munches on cookie* I can't wait to see either... ((¬.¬)) Muahahaha....

Dr. Sipp: :D Ha ha ha, yes, POWER! I love you for reviewing! ...No one heard that.

Queerquail: I feel loved! I feel loved!

Catty Engles: ... Must you make me feel insuperior by using your darned extended vocabulary? But thank you! (The eternal language of the grateful!)

Purplefluffychainsaw: You're the second to think that that part was funny. Heaven's sake, I must be to exposed to my own insanity. But thank you! And that is a usefull suggestion... very cliche... heh heh heh...

Bubonic Woodchuck: Aw, man, priceless? A few bucks would be nice, but I know a compliment when I see one! (And you thought the opposite...) Thank you very much.

Poterat: Gee, I didn't even realize that about the name... Shhh! Tell no one! (Kudos!)