Special thanks to my beta, ShinyShimaron. With your help, Conrad's arms will rule the world! Mwahahaha!
III. A CHINK IN THE ARMOR
Yuuri went to sleep with gum in his mouth, and when he woke up, there was gum in his hair. Not only that, but there was an angelic-looking blond bishounen naked in bed with him. Right away, he could tell that it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Wolfram had always tossed and turned when he slept, which, when he was younger, his mother had insisted was the cutest, most darling thing ever, like a sleepy kitten being put between two pancakes, covered in syrup, and then farted out by a unicorn. Baby Wolfram had rolled all over the place, and every time he rolled out of his crib, out into the hall, and into a guard, the guard would say, "Aww~ Little Wolfy is the most kawaii baby in the whole world!"
When Wolfram got to be a little bigger, he entered his Selfish Poo stage, which was even more adorable-er than before. "Iyaaa~n," the other children of the nobility would squeal as he walked by. He would set their toys on fire and then boss them around, even give them a big ol' bitchslap trying to steal their butterflies, and they would say, "Watashi would love to be the bride of the only bishounen who makes watashi's kokoro go doki doki! Watashi would be the most shiawase person in the whole sekai if Boruframu-chan wanted to get kekkon-ed!"
Nowadays, Wolfram's animal magnetism had grown even stronger, since it had all devolved into a big pile of incoherent babbling. Whenever the subject of the gorgeous Prince Pooh-bear came up, one of the maids would sigh and say something like, "この電話はおいしいですね?" And the others would reply, "もちろん! 私たちは何も知らないよ!"
Such was the power of the Wolfram.
Currently, Wolfram's heels were repeatedly slamming into Yuuri's kidneys in the cutest way possible, like a sugary-sweet, limp-wristed flirty slap-match between new lovers.
"Teehee~!" Wolfram's heels said to Yuuri's kidneys. "Love tap, love tap!"
"Nooo~, stop that~!" Yuuri's kidneys said to Wolfram's heels.
It was just like that, except with the addition of searing pain. As Yuuri tried to disentangle himself, he had the sinking feeling that he was going to end up pissing blood again.
Yuuri sighed as he got on with his normal morning routine. Washing up, breakfast… When he made it to his office that afternoon, he found that he couldn't seem to concentrate much on anything because his mind was racing with so many other problems. There was the impending war, and the Gwendal thing, and a whole mess of unresolved issues that he was sure would spring from these. On top of that, Wolfram was acting more bratty than usual. There had been a period where he had gotten better, but lately he'd regressed, and Yuuri couldn't figure out why.
After pulling one of the documents down from the stack marked "URGENT", Yuuri absent-mindedly scribbled his signature on the bottom. He set that one aside, picked up another, and was about to sign that one, too, when the door opened and Wolfram strode in looking as cute as a button on a cupcake with sprinkles and pink frosting on top being cuddled by small children singing Kumbaya around a campfire. Flowers, sparkles, and bubbles trailed along behind him to denote how absolutely breathtakingly beautiful he was. He twinkled more than a faux-vampire in the sun, it was so fucking blinding.
Yuuri immediately looked down and pretended to be engrossed in his work. What he had been about to sign without reading, he now poured all his concentration into understanding. The document turned out to be Tax Code 449-A, "Thy provincial Lord or Lady shall haveth the righte to collect-eth up to fifteene percente of all revenues pertaining to sales of minde-altering drugs, including but not limited to bear-bee dung-bombe shooters. This shall hitherto-forth be knowne as a 'Vice Taxe'. Lords and Ladies shall Vice Taxeth at thine own discretion, eth eth eth," or something along those lines. Yuuri's knowledge of written Mazoku language was still shaky, and he had no idea what an 'eth' was supposed to be. It was probably a good thing that he hadn't gotten around to signing that one, because who knows how many laws he had passed without actually understanding what they said? He probably shouldn't have trusted Gwendal and Gunter so implicitly, but now was not the time to think about that.
"Would you like some tea, Yuuri," Wolfram demanded in his cute tsundere way. It was not a question, but a demand.
"N-no thanks," Yuuri said. He glanced up to confirm that Wolfram had already brought in a tea set, and then quickly looked back down.
Wolfram frowned in the most stunning way. His eyes flashed with rage so cute it was like staring into the barrel of a gun and being shot with the cuteness essence of five million bunnies in five million paper cups, all twitching their tiny bunny noses all at once.
"Would. You. Like. Some. Tea." Keeping his brilliant emerald crystal orb-eyes fixed on Yuuri the whole time, Wolfram poured a cup of tea and roughly pushed it toward his fiancé. It was an action so filled with love and beauty that it would have stunned even Cupid into shooting himself in the foot.
The tea sloshed over the document Yuuri was working on, which he thought was kind of a jerk move on Wolfram's part, even if it saved him from having to read about boring and inconsequential changes to Tax Code 449-A… There was no way Yuuri could avoid this confrontation now, so he tried to give his most believable excuse. "I'm not thirsty right now, but thanks. I'll have some later."
Hoping that Wolfram had given up, Yuuri set the ruined document aside and picked up another, which turned out to be Naturalization Form SM0003, "Foreigne persons borne of Shin Makoku citizens shall be granted citizenship with-out further questioning. Foreigne persons not borne of Shin Makoku citizens must firste answereth these questions before thy provincial Lord or Lady: Dost thou hateth Daemons? If granted citizenship, wouldst thou be willing to lay downe thy life in service of thy new countree? Is not our moste beloved Daemon King the sexiest thing thou hast ever laid-eth eyes upon, yea or nay? How much wouldst thou give in order to 'tap that' in regards to our moste beloved Daemon King?"
Damn you, Gunter!
Yuuri picked up the giant red "VETO" stamp and smashed it down on the parchment.
Crunch!
"What the…? Paper doesn't make that kind of sound…"
Wolfram's bloody hands were gripping the broken shards of the teapot's handle, his fist raised and shaking above the desk and the rest of the teapot below it. His life's essence dripped onto the edges of Naturalization Form SM0003, painting a gleaming swath of deepest carmine, more beautiful and more red than a bouquet of roses drizzled with glue and dipped in rubies. He then conveyed his love for the Maou as obviously as he could: "Drink the tea, Yuuri."
Yuuri was a dumbass and didn't get it.
"Why are you so insistent about the tea? What's with the tea?" Yuuri eyed the brown liquid suspiciously, and then up at Wolfram's hands. He looked a bit queasy as he said, "Don't you think you should go see Gisela for a bandage?"
"Drink. The. Tea," Wolfram gritted out. The grinding sound his teeth made was like that of a teeny tiny puppy scratching at the door to be let out because it had to go wee-wee.
"You know, Wolf, the more you insist on this, the less I wanna do it."
"It's not poison, if that's what you're asking." Wolfram narrowed his eyes and adopted a sneer cuter than a lolcat who no wants cheezburger. "Trust a wimp like you to think I would go so far as that!"
Multiple theories raced through Yuuri's mind, including the crazy notion that the tea really was a poison. He was about to dump the drink into the potted plant by the door just to see what would happen, but was interrupted by a knock.
"Come in," Yuuri quickly called out. He desperately shifted his attention to the newcomer, and thus completely missed Wolfram crawling into the corner, mumbling to himself about how now he would have to angst about this development for at least five chapters. Yuuri failed to notice Wolfram adorably contemplating suicide by slicing his baby-soft alabaster skin with the porcelain shards of the teapot handle. Rhythmically, and to the beat of some strange Earth song called My Immortal. It was all very dramatic.
Gunter strode in and bowed in greeting, preparing to address His Majesty. However, before he could deliver his message, Yuuri was shoving the sad remains of a teapot into his hands.
"Hey, Gunter! You're like the smartest guy in the castle, right? What's in this tea? I think Wolfram had some, and now he's tripping."
"Hmm?" Gunter lifted it to his nose and took a deep sniff. He closed his eyes and pondered it for a while, then finally set the teapot down and said, very seriously, "Your Majesty, I'm so proud of you. Even if it wasn't with me, your loyal servant Gunter, I'm so very proud of you for having finally having become a man."
"…No, Gunter, that didn't explain anything at all."
Tears watered in Gunter's eyes. "Oh! Oh, Your Majesty! You have taken the drought sacred to the Mazoku, Lust Potion #666, and Lord von Bielefelt has claimed your virginity, and now you are pregnant and shall have darling babes with beautiful onyx hair and emerald green eyes just like Henry Porter!"
"Men can't get pregnant. And who's Henry Porter?"
No answer was forthcoming from either of the room's two other occupants.
"…What the hell, you guys. What the hell."
"Yes, well… Anyway, our messenger has returned, Your Majesty. Gisela is attending to him at the moment." Gunter lowered his head to hide his somber expression as he steadied himself to be the bearer of bad news. "It… was too late. Lord Weller's group has already been attacked."
"W-well? Did Conrad drive them back?"
"Somewhat, Your Majesty. They've retreated to beyond the river, and set up camp there. However, Lord Weller is himself incapacitated."
"No! Conrad's okay, right? He has to be! What did the messenger say?"
"We know that he took a direct hit from the cannon, but all we could get out of the messenger before he fell into a shock-induced magical coma was, 'Arms, arms!' I must confess that I have no idea what that could mean."
Yuuri had no idea what that meant, either, but he resolved to find out. "We have to save Conrad from his mutations!"
If there was one person who could fix Conrad, it was Anissina, because she could fix anything as long as she had a wrench. Much as he didn't want to go into her lab, Yuuri knew he had to do it for Conrad. So he clenched his fists and stalked down the hallway to his doom.
Before Yuuri could even knock, the lab's double doors burst open with a bang.
"I've been expecting you! Come, my guinea pig – I mean, assistant." Anissina's hand shot out and gripped Yuuri's arm, dragging him into the lab.
Once inside, Yuuri wrenched away from her grip. "We don't have time for that! Anissina, you have to cure Conrad's mutations!"
"Lord Weller's been mutated already? I'd love to acquire him as a specimen, but I'm not a miracle worker, you know. I can't cure something I haven't even seen."
"But then what do we do?"
"Really, you men are all useless! The answer," Anissina said, "is to create our own super-weapon to counter theirs! Gwendal!" She snapped her fingers and motioned for her favorite test subject to come, directing him to the workbench. "Over here, Gwendal. Bend over."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"What? What's wrong? Don't you want to see 'Evil Maryoku-powered Butt Blaster-kun'?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"It's probably just a misunderstanding. Gwendal, strip and show the Maou our prototype—"
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Yuuri clutched at his hair and screeched in a most undignified way. His terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day had come to a head, and nothing could save him now. He sank to his knees, and then curled up in a fetal position on the cold floor of the lab, sobbing hysterically and babbling about all the horrors he'd had to endure. It sounded something like, "Oh-god-Conrad's-a-mutant-and-there's-gonna-be-a-war-and-innocents-will-die-and-Wolfram's-trying-to-rape-me-and I DON'T WANT TO SEE GWENDAL'S ASS!"
"Calm yourself!" fully-clothed-Gwendal shouted. "There will be no stripping or bending over!"
Still sniffling and hiccupping intermittently, Yuuri looked up and tried to brush the tears out of his eyes. With one last quiver of his lips, he picked himself up off the ground and shuffled around uncomfortably. It was an awkward moment, with both the king and the general embarrassed at their pathetic states. Yuuri felt like a weak crybaby. Gwendal, on the other hand, didn't dare tell the Maou that Anissina had succeeded in getting him to participate in her experiments today, which meant that he did indeed have Butt Blaster-kun lodged up his patootie right this minute, thank you very much.
"That's too bad," Anissina said, breaking the silence. "So you didn't drink the tea… And here I was looking to study the effects of magical male pregnancy!"
Yuuri immediately snapped his head in her direction. "Aw, hell no! Please don't tell me you're the one who's been making Wolfram act like a total creep."
"Of course not. You haven't shown any signs of returning his affections, so Lord von Bielefelt has just stepped things up a notch, that's all. Most young Mazoku go through a stage like this."
"That's not how things work!"
"Perhaps not on Earth…" Anissina shook her head, thinking all the while that it was a shame that the Maou was such an idiot. "It's unfortunate that you're not responding to his advances. After all, domestic violence is one of the surest signs of love in this world. If one of the partners is reluctant, it's tradition for the other one to brutally force his or her affections onto the resisting party. It's considered very romantic, especially if the pursuer is attractive, and Lord von Bielefelt is very attractive. Very cute."
Yuuri recoiled at this, though his mind did not keysmash in capslock this time. Instead, it functioned more like a toaster oven.
Tick.
Tick.
Ding~!
"WHAT WORLD ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? WHO THE FUCK THINKS THIS IS ROMANTIC?"
Anissina raised one elegant finger. "One: fandom." She calmly raised another. "Two: fangirls."
Yuuri could only hope that he didn't end up getting raped the way Anissina obviously raped Gwendal to brutally force her affections onto him. He glared at her with as much Injustice Rage he could muster up without going supernova, and said, "Slipping drugs into my tea and taking advantage of me is not cool."
"Oh, no, that won't happen. Lord von Bielefelt would never rape you. You'll rape him! That's how fandom works."
"…But the pregnancy. Gunter said…"
She waved his concern away. "You'll both be pregnant. It's only fair if you take turns once in a while."
Yuuri frowned so deeply that he thought the ends of his lips would fall off his face. "I want to move to another series," he said. "I bet stuff like this doesn't happen in Abarenbo Shogun."
Anissina shrugged, having nothing more to say. She was more than content with her role as the resident mad scientist. Most fans were too turned off by her boobs to make her suffer too much, and that was just fine with her.
Gwendal, however, understood all too well what it was like to be someone's woobie, and the character derailment, shame, and anal probing it entailed. He also understood just how horrible canon-Wolfram must have felt right now, being trapped and screaming in a small corner of his own mind while his body betrayed him at the whims of pre-teen girls. Gwendal had lost count of all the times he'd had to be a total douche to Gunter just to provide more drama… Oh yes, Gwendal knew all about these things.
Wisely, he said to Yuuri in his deep, rumbling voice, "Never forget Rule 34, Your Majesty. Bad fics happen in every fandom, even Abarenbo Shogun."
