A/N: Bit shorter, this chapter. They're just discussing their relationship, what they want, etc. No sex scene here, sorry. Hope you enjoy anyway.
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The next night, around 10 o'clock, John collapsed on top of Lestrade in John's small bed. They were both breathing heavily and were covered in sweat. John placed his ear over Lestrade's heart and listened as his pulse gradually slowed to normal. He noticed Lestrade's breathing, too - it slowed and passed below normal waking breathing. John looked up at his face with a small grin and saw that Lestrade's eyes were closed.
"Maybe we should have waited to do that after we talked," John said softly. Lestrade's eyes opened.
"Maybe," he said.
"Are you too tired to talk now?"
Lestrade shook his head. "No. But I will need to sit up or I'll fall asleep."
Reluctantly, John moved so they could both sit on the bed.
"Alright," said Lestrade as he adjusted himself carefully on top of the blanket. "What do you think, then?"
John's mind went blank immediately. He rapidly tried to think through everything he'd planned to say, everything he'd decided, but he couldn't figure out where to start. "I'm sorry," he finally said. "That's a bit too vague for me."
"Simpler, then," said Lestrade with a gentle smile. "What do you want from this relationship?"
John nodded. He'd practiced this one. "I am not sure," he said confidently. "I know I don't want this to end. I don't know if I want more, like dating. I might, but I might also be happy just with the dinners here and the shagging."
"But you do want to keep shagging?"
"Very much."
"Very well."
"How about you?"
"I definitely like the shagging. I don't want to date you, though." He said it simply and John knew it was silly, but that hurt a bit.
"Why not?"
Lestrade looked at him curiously. "John," he started and John briefly noted that he loved the way his name sounded from those lips, "you aren't attracted to me. Not really."
John felt confused. "D'you mean? Did I not prove that to you a few minutes ago?"
"Sure, you feel attracted to me now. But if I'd asked you on a date a month ago, what would you have said?"
John glanced away for a moment. "No," he admitted.
"The other night... we were drunk. We were grieving. Lonely. We turned to each other as a desperate resort and discovered that it helped. It felt good. But that isn't the same as real attraction."
"What do you suggest, then?"
"Just what it is. A way to cope. We come to each other when we need help, and when we don't anymore, we accept that it's over."
John took a deep breath. That seemed a little harsh and he didn't like the sound of it. "What if real attraction develops? Feelings change and all. What if I -" He broke off abruptly, not wanting to say something that would make everything worse.
Lestrade was watching him carefully. "We can cross that bridge if we ever get to it," he answered with a shrug. "Either way, I'm sorry, but we can't - go public."
John was confused for a moment before he understood. "Right," he said. "Married."
"Married."
John stared at the floor. "What did you tell her - your wife? About the other night when you didn't come home?"
"The truth. Well, mostly. Told her I came over here to talk to you, we ended up drinking, and I couldn't drive home."
"She didn't question that? Even though you didn't call?"
Lestrade sighed and suddenly looked a new kind of tired. "Neither one of us asks a lot of questions anymore," he said sadly.
John bit his lip. "Sorry," he said hurriedly. "It's - it's not my business." He suddenly remembered something Lestrade had said the day before about occasionally giving blow-jobs. "Speaking of things that aren't my business," he said quietly after a pause, "are you gay?"
Lestrade shook his head. "No. I love my wife. We have our problems, like any couple, and I sometimes seek out men to, well, cope. But I do love her, and women in general." He paused. "What about you? I've heard you say you aren't gay, but that could just be a cover."
"I'm not. Never feel much for men, generally speaking. Sherlock was something else. So are you."
But Lestrade shook his head. "We've been over this already," he said with a kind smile. "You aren't attracted to me. There's nothing special about me except that I needed you as much as you needed me."
"That makes it sound so selfish."
Lestrade laughed. "It was selfish. It is selfish. You used me so you would feel better. I used you so I would feel better. Nine times out of ten, that's what sex is - two people being selfish in a mutually beneficial way."
John stared at him. "You really know how to kill romantic notions, don't you?"
"I'm just being honest, John. I like you. But even if we had gone on a date a month ago, fallen madly in love, and waited to have sex until our wedding night, the sex would have been selfish. Just the way it is. We can tell the truth now or we can try to hide it away, act like it isn't there, like sex is something beyond that basic human id, until it comes back to bite us. I've made that mistake before. I don't plan to make it again."
John let that sink in for a moment and realized he agreed.
"So, we keep shagging... until one of us feels like he can deal with life again the way he's suppose to?"
"Well, until you feel like you can deal with life again. I'm a care-taker. I have to take care of people. I feel unfulfilled if I have no one who needs me, and I feel guilty if I know I'm not helping someone who needs me. Even when I've healed, which will probably be before you have -"
"Undoubtedly."
"- I will still want to help you."
John snorted. "How is that selfish?"
"I just told you, didn't I? I don't want to feel guilty."
They were quiet for a few seconds. Then John put his arm around Lestrade's shoulders and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, gentle, loving. He held it longer than he'd intended, trying to work up the courage to say what he wanted to say.
"A flaw in your plan," John finally whispered against his lips, and he could feel color rising in his cheeks. He kept his eyes closed. "What if I'm already in love with you?"
Lestrade took a shaky breath. "That'll pass," he whispered back. "It's normal to feel a rush of emotions at the beginning of a relationship. I'd say especially in this case. That doesn't make it real."
"But if it feels real?"
"John."
"What if it would - help me to say it?"
Lestrade pressed another kiss to his lips. "Do what feels best. If you want to say it, say it. But I don't want you to get your heart broken by me. I want you to understand why you're feeling this way and that it won't last long."
John finally opened his eyes and locked his gaze with Lestrade's. Lestrade looked nervous, almost afraid.
"You feel it too," said John.
"Of course I do," he answered. "But this is complicated no matter how you look at it. My idea for how this will work, shag until we're better and move on, is simple as hell in theory but I know it won't be in practice. And I worry about making it worse. Harder to leave you, before the relationship gets toxic. Saying that will make everything more difficult in the long run."
"How do you know it'll eventually be toxic?" asked John, confused.
"Because you will fully realize what I say is true, you will come to notice you aren't attracted to me, and we will grow to resent each other. If we tell each other lies about being together forever, being happy forever, it will end badly."
John hesitated. "I know you're hurt because of your marriage," he said slowly, carefully, "but some people are genuinely happy for life."
"Those people are attracted to each other," said Lestrade with another sad smile.
"I love you."
"I love you t -" Lestrade's voice gave out on the last word and he struggled to draw another breath. John had caught him by surprise and he clearly hadn't intended or wanted to say it back. After a few seconds, he pulled himself together. "Did that help you? Saying it?"
John couldn't tell much by his tone. He nodded and smiled slightly. "Yeah. It felt nice. Wonderful, actually. Even if it isn't real or going to last, I - I love you. Here and now, and that's what matters to me at this point." He paused. "This relationship is going to be about what we need at the moment, right? Not necessarily in the future. We can shag when we want and I'll say I love you when I feel it. If that's okay?"
"When you put it like that, yeah," said Lestrade with a small laugh. "I might - well, I might put too much emphasis on love lasting forever. I forget love exists in other forms."
"We would both do well to remember that." John kissed him again. "Any other questions or comments?"
"One more," said Lestrade. "Just to be perfectly clear. We aren't dating and we obviously aren't any kind of exclusive, so if you want to pursue a relationship with someone else, you don't need my permission. The point of this all is to be happy, so you should strive for that, especially if it's with someone else, y'know? Something possibly more permanent. I'm not going to hold you back."
"Thank you. I think that's a long way off, but thank you."
Lestrade put his hand on John's thigh and squeezed. "How are you feeling?"
John nodded. "I feel good. Better than I have in a while, certainly."
Lestrade smiled. "Good."
