Edward Cullen: Confessions of a Love Sick Geek
~SoapyMayhem
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N There is a lot of ground to cover in this chapter, so it's quite long, I probably could have split it into two chapters, I just couldn't find a good stopping point until the end. So enjoy!
Also this Fic is rated M for a reason. If you don't want to hear about masturbation, crude language or explicit lemons. STOP READING.
Thanks to to my Beta's Twimarti and SandiCarr for their amazing work!
Finally, if you want to delve deeper into the world of EC:CoaLSG then visit my blog. There you'll find updates and previews as well as a playlist and artwork from 'Solar Eclipse' as it becomes available. Find me www(dot)SoapyMayhem(dot)blogspot(dot)com
*~ My Best Friend's Boner ~*
~*Bella Swan*~
I squirmed anxiously in my coach seat, worrying my lip so I would be less likely to chew my already jagged nails. After hearing the pilot announce our descent into Seattle, I sat a bit straighter in my seat. I gathered my belongings; some books, my purse and an mp3 player, while I waited nervously for the landing.
I'd been impatiently anticipating my return home since I left Forks, via Seattle two and a half months ago. Don't get me wrong, I really missed my mother, especially since I hadn't spent more than a week at a time with her for the last eight years. The problem was, by the end of the school year, I had already changed my mind about going, but by then, it was all too late.
It all started one Saturday when Jacob called to make sure I was still going to meet him at La Push beach. It should have been like our usual weekend meetings, but this time, something was different. For the past eight months, we'd had a weekly ritual of long walks on the beach, spending time talking about anything and everything. After our walks, we'd either go cliff diving or spend a few hours making out in my truck. Lately, things with Jacob had been off. I knew why and had been avoiding our inevitable conversation for weeks. My gut feeling was that today was a turning point and would not end in heavy petting.
Before Jacob, I thought of myself as a very sexual person. I'd yet to have sex, but I was as obsessed with it as a pubescent boy. I discovered masturbation at the age of thirteen, after I found some of Charlie's old girlie magazines in the garage. My attraction wasn't to the fake plastic women, who had their girlie parts on display, but to the titillating stories that caused unfamiliar feelings in my body. There was an inexplicable craving that made me fantasize about trying the acts they were describing.
As I got older, I delved a bit deeper. Charlie was rarely home, so it was easy to get away with hiding mail from him. I would buy romance novels and porn off the internet and hide it all in my hope chest, or as I liked to call it, my hope I get laid chest, I digress. While I was extremely excited about the idea of having sex, I was not so excited about the choice of partners. In the veritable dry well that was Forks, there were three kinds of guys. There were douche bags, guys who I found completely unattractive, and then ones who were just my friends.
Up until recently, I'd been content to Jill-off with my little blue dolphin vibe with the fan on high, so Charlie couldn't hear my moaning or the vibe sounds. Yeah, I know it sounds depraved. With all the masturbating and fantasizing I'd done, I was practically a bitch in heat, but one with discerning taste. After a trip to La Push beach, I thought my prayers had been answered when I laid eyes on a real hunk of a man. Well "boy" would have been more accurate, since technically he was younger than me.
Jacob and I fell into a fun, easy relationship fast. I could hardly wait to have sex, but he seemed intent to just make out, stating he wanted to be sure of our feelings before things progressed further. After six months of mouth fucking, dry humping and a lot of talking, Jacob finally agreed to have sex with me. Then there was the guilt, I really felt like one of those asshole boyfriends who feign having blue balls to persuade the girl to let him in her panties. So, I eventually wore down his defenses with teasing so I wouldn't have to tell him I loved him, because frankly, I just didn't. Lust and friendship were more accurate descriptions of the feelings I had for Jacob.
The night we lost our virginities was the night I felt the biggest disappointment in my short existence. It wasn't like Jacob sucked at it, and I was already expecting some pain in my girlie parts, but it was the awkwardness that I couldn't handle. It felt wrong, like I had fucked my brother or a close cousin. Bleh!
After we put our clothes on, we laid in Jacob's bed, facing away from each other silently. After a few minutes, I mumbled something about forgetting an appointment, and left. I knew it was a lame excuse and pretty shitty thing to do, but I had to get out of there.
I met up with Alice and Rosalie before school the next day and told them everything. Well, not everything, I did leave out the part about my being a sex fiend with a treasure trove of porn. After our talk, I decided that I needed some time away from Jake.
We hadn't talked for a few days, but when we finally did, it was Jake that came up with our solution. We would continue our relationship as it was and wait for love and maturity to develop between us before we had sex again. Only, I didn't think either of us believed that would ever make a difference. There was just no spark.
So, I drove to La Push fully expecting the impending breakup. I wasn't at all surprised when Jacob informed me that he just wanted to be friends. If I was being honest, I was relieved. It was his reasoning that shocked me. Jacob proceeded to inform me that he had recently met someone, a girl named Leah. He told me he was in love with her, claiming it was actually love at first sight. I scoffed at the sentiment especially when he admitted to only meeting her two days earlier. He explained that she was the cousin of his friend, Sam's new wife, and that they had met at Sam's wedding.
I was so irritated by the fact that he kept insisting on this strange connection and love at first sight, that I had let it pass that I was hurt that I hadn't even been invited as his date for the wedding. Jacob misunderstood my despondence, thinking that I was hurt or jealous because he didn't want me anymore. This led to his persistence in explaining their connection, and his emphasis on our lack thereof. However, my feelings were far from those of a scorned woman and more like those of a lonely girl who yearned for a deep connection like Jacob described, as well as multiple orgasms. I wanted to be sexually satisfied and as horny as I was, after my mistake with Jacob, I realized that not just anyone could satisfy my need. I didn't know if I believed that he had fallen in love in just two days, but I knew that Jacob and I didn't have a connection like that and we never would. I wanted that feeling so badly, but I knew at the tender age of seventeen, I would be hard pressed to find it.
After the taxing day, I mostly just needed to feel wanted and cared for, so I went to the one person I could trust to do just that, Edward. I called my best friend and asked him if I could come over. Even over the phone, I knew he could tell something was off with me by the worry laced in his calming voice. When I saw him waiting for me with the door open, I relaxed in light of his comforting friendship. The moment I caught his gaze, I could tell how nervous he was just by looking at the wreck that was his hair. He was worried about me, and the idea alone warmed my heart. He pulled me in for a quick, friendly hug, but selfishly, I held on for a bit too long until I had to awkwardly release him when he cleared his throat.
All I could say in explanation of my behavior was "we broke up." His eyes widened in disbelief and his mouth started moving without sound as he searched for the words to say.
He gave up after a moment and mumbled, "I'm sorry." I felt guilty for dumping my feelings on him like this, particularly as I hadn't seen much of Edward outside of school since Jacob and I had started dating. Seeing the kindness showing through his understanding eyes made my heart ache with guilt because I could tell our lack of contact had hurt him. However, he seemed receptive to the idea of comforting me, so I let him. Such an amazing guy. I was feeling much too selfish at that point to decline his hugs and promises of popcorn, Buffy, and a foot massage.
Things started out normal that evening, we laughed and joked around. After about an hour, Edward bent down to grab my sock covered feet and pulled them into his lap. I already had my shoes off, since Esme didn't allow them to be worn in the house, so I was always prepared with clean socks to wear at the Cullen's place. Edward began pulling them off my feet almost reverently, as if he were trying to convey a message to me. The care he placed in such a simple thing as removing socks was heartwarming.
The moment he began working on the arches of my feet, I became strangely aroused. I briefly wondered if Edward's drawing or piano playing skills had anything to do with the amazing way his long fingers worked muscles I didn't even know were there. I had to bite back the whore-moan that threatened to escape my lips from the sensation. Feeling my face flush in arousal and embarrassment because I had gotten wet from the feeling of my friend rubbing my feet, was an alert that I really needed to calm down. I quickly admonished the thoughts and tried to relax again, since the massage had the opposite effect of its intended purpose. I decided a trip to the hope chest was in order as soon as I got home. What the hell? Stop, that's your friend, I reminded myself.
Eventually, Edward released my feet, sliding them gently off his lap, and then moved to sit awkwardly beneath the blanket we were sharing. His strange posture wasn't all that noticeable until I asked him to pass the popcorn and he practically had to turn around to hand it to me. He fumbled a bit, causing the popcorn to spill from the bowl, onto the blanket and rug.
"Shit," he yelped, sounding a bit strangled. I fully expected him to go into full on OCD panic mode to clean up the mess, knowing how much he feared Esme's wrath. Instead, he surprised me by asking me to clean it up, explaining that he needed to use the bathroom.
"O-kay," I agreed questioningly, and then leaned over to pick up the mess as Edward shuffled awkwardly out of the blanket, while watching me like a hawk. I looked back at the mess before me, averting my eyes because of the intensity of his piercing gaze. So, when I felt his eyes leave me, I looked back up as he was turning around, only to be met with the briefest glance of a very hard, very large erection straining against his Gumby printed pajama pants.
My eyes bulged, and I bit my lip in an attempt to stifle the gasp threatening to escape. He walked swiftly out of the room, none the wiser that I'd seen his monstrosity of a penis that appeared to be trying to escape its Gumby clad prison.
I spent the next few minutes in shock, distractedly picking up the fallen kernels and considering what I'd seen. Using my powers of deduction, I made a mental checklist of the erection-worthy events that had occurred this evening in an attempt to figure out the cause of Edward's reaction.
Firstly, we were watching Buffy season three, and Edward had recently begun to express an attraction to Faith, the other slayer. He began mentioning actresses he found attractive shortly after Alice stepped up and had the gay confrontation with him. I knew he wanted to prove something, but there may have been more to it than that.
Secondly, I considered my own reaction to his massage and wondered if his hadn't been the same. My only concern about that possibility was whether or not his arousal was because he was touching me, or the mere fact he was very much a virgin and would have had the same reaction to having any girl's feet in his lap.
Considering the possibility that Edward might want me sexually was a foreign thought, but surprisingly not at all unpleasant. The moment I allowed the thoughts to cross my mind, my brain was flooded with strange new possibilities I had never considered. I began asking myself questions like "Could I like Edward that way?", "Am I attracted to him?", and "Could he be attracted to me?"
When Edward returned from doing whatever he'd ended up doing with his big problem, I took a moment to appraise him in a way I never had before. I knew I wasn't doing this because of the size of his penis, at least in comparison to the only other one I'd ever seen. As horny as I was, penis size hadn't really been a concern of mine yet, but I knew for future reference that Edward's appeared substantial. So, I knew there was something else drawing me in to these new ideas.
Edward wasn't plain, ugly or anything like that. He was kind of a Peter Parker-slash-pre-radioactive spider type, but a bit taller, and skinnier with reddish hair and braces. Ok, so not really so much like Peter Parker, but definitely a diamond in the rough. I was noticing, for the first time, a hidden beauty that I somehow had never recognized before. I became so captivated, thinking about his stunning green eyes, the set of his jaw, his flushed cheeks, those full lips and that colossal cock, that I didn't even realize he was speaking to me.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I was a bit distracted," I admitted. He assumed I was thinking about the breakup, so he asked if I wanted to talk about it. Truthfully, I was glad that Jacob had ended it, but the combination of my epiphany and bringing it up brought back the reminder of my jealousy over the love he found. I tried my best to explain to Edward about Jacob and Leah, but all I could think about was what I was missing; love. Ridiculously, I felt tears pricking at my eyes and I knew I couldn't hold them in much longer.
When our eyes met, I saw something new, a strong emotion I couldn't quite identify. The only thing I knew in that moment was that I needed Edward. I needed to be close to him, to crawl inside his comforting embrace. I allowed the unshed tears to push forth and when I curled into myself to hold it together, I felt Edward's arms wrap around me tightly and I snuggled my head into his chest, sobbing. I felt like my heart was going burst through my chest from the emotions his comforting embrace evoked in me. I was in love with Edward Cullen and my panties were positively soaked.
~*!*~
In a moment of clarity, I chastised myself at the mere idea of being in love with Edward, scoffing the same way I had at Jacob for falling for Leah after only two days. Then I debated internally, arguing that I had known Edward for eight years. In that moment, I realized that I must have been completely blind not to see the warmth, beauty and love I felt in his presence. It was a strange new realization and a complication I wasn't looking forward to dealing with.
After that night and in the coming weeks, I began imagining what it would be like to be Edward's girlfriend. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Edward was my friend and I couldn't bear for him to think I would use him as a rebound for making Jacob jealous, or even as a fuck buddy. I also didn't want to risk losing his friendship if I admitted my feelings and he didn't reciprocate them. Knowing I was in love with him was one thing, but unrequited love between best friends was another. If I lost my friend, it would be a hit my heart couldn't survive. I decided that I'd take Edward any way I could get him. I'd continue to be his best friend and hope that eventually it would all work out.
So, when I almost found myself kissing him one day after school when he had said something particularly sweet, I decided that I couldn't take another close call. I needed to bury those feelings until I had them under control or got nerve to tell him the truth. So, I decided that spending the summer around Edward wasn't going to be an option, but I couldn't very well ignore him for two and a half months and have him misunderstand the reason. So, I called my Mom and agreed to spend the summer with Phil and her in Jacksonville. Getting away will help, I hope.
For me to say that being around Edward had been difficult was a gross understatement. My constant state of arousal had me in the hope chest two to three times a day. My porn collection started its own collection of dust, since I now had fantasies of Gumby clad erections, green eyes, and pouty lips to get me off. I had been pleasuring myself so much that I actually wore out my dolphin vibe and had to buy a new one. I did a little online shopping, picking out another trusty dolphin and something new to add to my debauched collection. Since my V-card had officially expired, I thought it was time to graduate to penetrative toys, though I didn't dare buy anything to rival Edward's size. That would have made it all the more difficult to resist humping his leg, knowing how good he'd probably feel inside me. I was so fucked; summer couldn't come soon enough.
As hard as I tried, I hadn't been able to stay away from Edward and things were getting much more intense. I thought he might be getting suspicious of my feelings, so I knew I had to be more careful. Needed to exert some self-control, I began to deny myself the stolen glances, the innocent touches, and hugs that I'd been taking greedily, opting to be content with his presence alone.
By the time everything was set, tickets booked and arrangements made, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I didn't want to be apart from Edward, but it was too late and I couldn't cancel the trip. Aside from the non-refundable ticket I bought, my Mom had been begging me to stay the summer for years and I couldn't take that away from her. So in an effort to cherish my final moments with the one I loved, I asked Edward to come with my Dad and me to the airport.
When the moment came to say goodbye, I let the walls I had built up over the last few weeks fall away. I practically tackled him by the security checkpoint. He held me so tight that I couldn't help but admit how much I was going to miss him. It wasn't until he leaned against me, pressing our foreheads together, that I almost lost it. I wanted to bare my soul, but knew I was too late, and it was agony. So, I left with only my secret and more pain and regret than I'd ever felt in my seventeen years of existence.
~*!*~
I gathered my carry-on out of the overhead compartment along with the few items I brought to stave off the impending boredom, and waited impatiently for the other passengers to exit ahead of me. I walked with purpose towards the baggage claim area wishfully thinking that Edward might be waiting there to surprise me. My disappointment needed to be masked when I found only Charlie there waiting for me.
I could tell by the suppressed grin on his face, as much as he tried to hide it, he'd missed me. He gave me a loose hug, a pat on the head and a mumbled "missed yah Bells."
In return, I gave him a smirk, a nudge to the gut, with a slightly awkward "you, too, Dad." He helped me with my bags, and I followed him out to the cruiser.
After my flight and the long drive from Seattle, I was famished. I hoped that Edward would be able to meet me for a late lunch, so I called him. I became slightly distressed by the shortness of the call. He seemed tense, as if he were making up excuses not to see me. The thought made my heart clench, and I only hoped that during the summer, our frequent calls to each other had been enough to keep us from growing apart. After our time apart, I knew now more than ever, I needed and wanted to be close to Edward. I was ready to take a step toward admitting my feelings to him.
I sprinted up the stairs to my room and started getting ready for the party. I unpacked the stunning cobalt colored bikini and white sarong that Renee bought for me to wear to the beach earlier this summer and laid them out on the bed. After showering, I dried my hair and pulled it into a high but messy ponytail, leaving several loose strands, intended to make me appear care free. Naked, I reached into my treasure trove for the one thing that made time away from him bearable and began to use it for its intended purpose. While seeking release with my recently acquired Gumby green vibrating cock, I thought only of Edward, my sweet, innocent, awkward, and deliciously geeky buddy.
