Just a quick note. This is not a serious, dramatic fic. Think tongue-in-cheek, fun and hopefully funny. It's just something light-hearted that I'm enjoying writing at the moment. I will update my serious (and long) fics very soon.
o.o.o.o.o
"You are my escort as well as my betrothed. You can't expect me to sit out there …alone." Zelke's voice sounded flirty, and yet stiff with the undercurrents of annoyance.
Fili let his eyelids droop half-way down as he gave her a deceptively lazy smile. "Duty first. That's what it means to be engaged to a future king."
"Then perhaps I should stay …" Her voice hinted at wanting an invitation.
Fili's smile was present, but off to those who knew him well. His betrothed did not belong in that category. "You're not royal yet." He winked at her, trying to hide his clenched fist behind his back where she couldn't see how irritated he was becoming. "I promise to fill you in on anything you need to know."
Pouting, hazel eyes flashed with temper, the dwarrowdam turned and looked at King Thorin. But the monarch made no motion, gave no expression nor word to indicate that he would welcome her presence. Zelke Steelforge lifted her chin defiantly and swept from the room.
Dis snorted gently a moment after the door was shut behind the departing dam. "She does regal well."
Dwalin growled. "I don't like her."
"Doesn't matter if you like her." Thorin grumbled.
"Doesn't matter, but I don't like her either." Dain said in a cold voice, giving himself a shake now that only the Dwarves were left in the chamber. This would not be something he'd admit before others, especially Humans or Elves. A slight movement caught his eye and the Iron Hills leader frowned at the hobbit. How had he missed that Bilbo was still present?
"Well, I don't know her but she reminds me of a few Sackville-Baggins and I can say that this doesn't instill confidence." Bilbo frowned and shook his head. "But what matters is if Fili is …"
The blonde in question roared, not loudly, but with enough force to draw all attention.
"Happy." Bilbo finished his thought with a sad look.
Kili stood abruptly, his face dark like a storm cloud. "It's all my fault."
"Get him out of here." King Thorin said, with a significant look at Dwalin.
Dain shifted his weight, making an unhappy sound when the bald warrior gathered Kili to him and escorted the young prince out of the room instead of the interloping hobbit. Rudely he pointed at the non-dwarf.
Thorin scowled at his cousin with a small shake of his head. "Bilbo is part of this, he's earned that right."
Unhappy, but unwilling to argue the point, Dain dropped his arm and looked away as he spoke. "We need Kili. To name the five we need to seek out at the very least."
"And we'll get that information. But the first name on the list is Round-heeled Meg." Thorin said blandly, with the other dwarrow in the room nodding or grunting as they recognized the name.
Dis stirred, frowning. "I thought you told me you kept my children away from her."
"I lied." Thorin grunted. "Obviously."
Fili flushed, finding sudden interest in his boots.
Bofur gave a charming smile to the princess of Durin's Line. "Meg be alright, for a Human lass."
"Not a lass." Gloin sniffed, crossing his arms. "Matron."
"Widow." Balin corrected. "The proper Human term." He smiled wanly at the hobbit. "Meg was a farmer's wife with sons too young to proper work the fields when he died. She didn't want to sell up, felt it was her children's inheritance as it were. For the price of some work around the farm she'd take in males and treat them right for a spell. Always good for a nice meal, a cuddle and a roll."
Bilbo looked properly scandalized. "Why didn't she just remarry?"
"Well, apparently her husband might have met his end at the end of her pitchfork. Considering the bruises she sported the guardsmen looked the other way when she buried him young." Balin shrugged. "But few thought marrying her after that was a good idea, and truthfully she didn't seem keen on the idea either."
"Made a great pumpkin cake, Meg did." Bofur said, while Bifur nodded in agreement. "Just didn't want to let her near the pitchfork when visiting."
Thorin ignored his sister's sputtering anger and turned to Gloin. "Write to Gimli and ask him to look into matters at Meg's farm."
Gloin paled while Dis' voice rose higher. "You will NOT have that fine dwarfling visiting that farm!"
Balin coughed and shook his head at everyone when they turned to him. "Meg was Human, she's surely died away by now. It was about forty or more years ago now."
"Thranduil specifically mentioned children." Thorin said soberly. "I want a report from Gimli that Meg's children were already born by the time Kili made his way to that farm. I want written acknowledgement of their parentage and a legal quit-claim."
Bofur stroked his chin, looking thoughtful. "Might not be wise to spell it all out. Give folk knowledge that a rich prince is involved and they'll be coming out sniffing after the gold and mithral. Claim marriage to the lad when there was none."
Thorin scowled. "I'm not a fool. I know this. I just want Gimli to get written proof the children are Humans and Meg never remarried."
Bilbo raised a finger in the air, still looking a bit shocked. "It might be a good idea to let Meg's children think if they claim any other parentage but their real one they might lose the family farm. Since it was their father's, if they claim a different father then they lose their original inheritance."
Dain's eyes widened a bit in admiration at the hobbit's words. "Smart." He allowed. Then he grimaced. "Best to let young Gimli know to stay out of range of pitchforks. Don't be knowing if the children took after their mother or not."
Dis huffed, then crossed her arms and glared at her brother. "How exactly do you know that Kili thinks this Meg might be one of his five? Did you catch him there?"
Thorin sighed and gave his sister a tired frown. "Meg was warm and accepting of dwarves and willing to cosset him a bit. For a Human she wasn't bad."
Dis sucked in a breath so quickly she nearly doubled over in a coughing fit. Bombur gave her a quick slap on the back that nearly tumbled the poor princess, but it did force her lungs back into working order. She rose up and pointed accusingly at her older brother. "You took him there!"
"Now mam." Fili gave her a pleading look.
"No!" Dis hissed loudly. "You too! Tell me you didn't go to her as well!"
Fili blinked, then firmed his lips. "I'll answer only if you tell me who you've been spending time with yourself. Don't think I missed those looks everyone gave each other earlier. You always told me you were honoring father's memory by not remarrying!"
Dain stepped forward, taking Dis' arm as he headed for the door. "My father always told me to know when a meeting was over, and this one is definitely over."
o.o.o.o.o
Gandalf puffed languidly at his pipe, not appearing disturbed in the slightest.
Legolas paced in front of his father, a determined look in his eyes. "This is hardly necessary." He said again, for he'd said it all several times already. "Whilst I've never heard of a marriage between elf and dwarf before we have a history of some Human mates. Never have I read any treatise that states those Men had to be as pure as an elf before the marriage. It is plain wrong to demand such now. All that matters is what happens from the moment they married tonight."
"Last night." Bard corrected, yawning. "It's early morning now."
"Semantics!" The blond threw up one arm in frustration.
Leaning against the wall near the door, Tauriel didn't appear to be listening to any of them.
"Wrong?" Thranduil spoke the word as if tasting it on his tongue. "We do not know if proof of celibacy was demanded of mortals before wedding an elf. But it could have been. Getting acknowledgement that none feel they married young Kili, and that none bore him children, is merely prudent." He yawned delicately, almost cat-like.
Legolas gave an unhappy sound that wasn't quite a grunt. He looked over at the human monarch. "Why do you hold a different standard for your son than the one you have for your daughters?"
Bard shrugged, not really wanting a big discussion on sex. He was tired and had celebrated rather heavily earlier. "I'm for bed."
"Alone?" Thranduil drew out the word like a taunt.
Bard narrowed his eyes and his lips thinned as he slid his gaze toward the elvish king. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It seems humans have more sex than either Dwarves or Elves."
The man snorted. "Considering elves only have sex with those they marry and none else, then yes, it could be true. Only they could be having sex for thousands of years longer than any human male could live. So no. Probably not true."
"Why would you seek out other partners?" Legolas asked, genuinely lost on the matter.
Bard shrugged. "Sex is fun. Pleasurable. I don't condone running around all over the place with just anyone. But young Kili is over seventy and only had sex five times? Hardly someone with loose morals. I'd say it shows considerable restraint. I don't know how elves can go centuries, or longer, without any sexual release if they aren't married."
Legolas shook his head. "I've never felt the lack."
"Then you're doing it wrong." Bard said rather shortly, shaking his head as the elves turned and glared at him. "Sorry. No. I don't understand your way, and you don't understand mine. But then, we don't have to come to any conclusions other than what to do about Kili and Tauriel."
"No. That's for me and Kili to decide, and no one else." The red-head spoke up, startling them all. Palely she gave a short bow and fled the room.
Bard sighed. "I forgot she was standing there."
Thranduil said nothing, but he had too.
o.o.o.o.o
Kili threw open his door and nearly ran into the one person that made his heart beat race. He stared uncertainly at the she-elf, who looked like she wanted to run away. Which made little sense as she was the one seeking him out. "Tauriel?"
"It's all my fault." She said hoarsely.
The young prince groaned and shook his head. "Mine."
"I shouldn't have made a large commotion about it all." Tauriel spoke, earnestness dripping from her voice, and sadness.
His hand rose to touch her and she caught it with her own hands.
"I should have listened more closely, understood what you meant when you explained how elves saw things."
"I should have been more specific." She countered.
"I shouldn't ever have slept with anyone else."
Tauriel blinked, then grinned. "True. It's all your fault after all."
Kili straightened suddenly, his mouth dropping open. "Hey!"
Her grin grew and he moaned with relief that she was feeling alright enough to tease him again.
"Bard said that elves don't have sex right, since they don't want to have more of it in their lives."
Kili's mind spun the words around and around and could only reach one thing to say. "There's no way I can respond to that without sounding like a clumsy fool, or …."
"Did I do it right?"
Her question made him stop. Kili stared at her in disbelief. "Any more right and I'd have gone up in flames."
"You must do it right, because I've been miserable thinking of you doing that with anyone else. Or that we wouldn't be able to do it again." She admitted in her forthright manner.
Kili flushed, pleased but embarrassed too. Silently he stepped out of his doorway, and then nearly fainted with relief when, after a brief hesitation, she walked inside his chambers.
Tauriel turned as he shut his door and leaned against it, watching her.
Kili grinned a bit sloppily. "I heard the older dwarrow talking once. They said that sex was fun, but that until you had sex with the one person you loved then it wasn't real." He stared hotly at her. "I didn't know what that meant until you."
"What does that mean?" She asked, showing some nerves as she smoothed the fabric of her robe, and it was already perfectly smooth.
"That being in love changes things. Changes how you feel. Makes it stronger, better, hotter, and …exciting …perfect."
She blinked, then gave him a shy look. "Then I must be very in love with you."
Kili grinned and then jumped as the door at his back shook in the frame with the strength of someone pounding on the door. He opened it with wild eyes. "Fili?"
"I need to talk to you. About mam." The blond demanded.
"Later." Kili assured him, antsy to get back to the she-elf he'd married and apparently who wanted to have more sex with him. His mouth nearly watered at the thought.
"Brother?"
"Goodnight Fili."
"But I need you." Those words tore Kili up. He moaned and shook his head, though seemingly unable to turn his brother away.
"Please, tomorrow." The brunet begged.
"Fili?" The voice came from inside the room.
The blond prince stared at his brother as Kili nodded slowly to his unspoken question. It was Tauriel inside there with him.
"It'll keep." Fili promised and shooed his brother back, pulling the door closed with a deep sigh of regret. He mumbled that he'd see him on the morrow, blushing, yet pleased for Kili.
Still. It left him feeling unsettled. Everyone was retiring and he couldn't get the idea of his mam meeting with someone in secret out of his head. For sex. He clenched his jaw and hurried down the corridor to the next hallway and set of rooms. He pounded on a different door.
Muffled sound showing he'd been heard. The door opened to Dwalin looking rumpled with his leathers already off and his shirt hanging open. The tattooed warrior frowned. "What's wrong? Are we being attacked?"
"Kili and Tauriel are making up."
Dwalin waited, then nodded when nothing was added. "Good. I suppose. Not sure I approve of an elf over the Silverstone dam. Caused a lot of difficulties when Kili ended his betrothal. Hurts your chances of getting clear of your own."
Fili blinked hard and shook his head. "Yes. I mean no. I …."
"I won't arrange an accident for the lass, much as it might be satisfactory. Thorin still needs the support of the Steelforge clan at the moment."
Fili blinked again. "No. I mean yes …"
Dwalin stared at the lad. "Well? What is it?"
"Mam."
The bald warrior was the one who blinked this time, taken by surprise. "What's wrong with Dis? Is she well?"
"She's sleeping with someone." Fili said. He was met by a silent stare. "For …that …you know …that!"
"Sex?" Dwalin guessed when the younger dwarrow said nothing further.
Fili growled and made hushing movements with his hands, flushing a brilliant red. It disturbed him to think of that word in connection to his mother. "Who is it?"
Dwalin shook his head, bewildered. "What makes you think I know?"
"Well. Mam was always protected. Me or Kili or Uncle Thorin or You. You were with us most of the time, you'd have to have noticed something!"
Dwalin stared for a long moment then shook his head. "If there is such a person, your mam is very discreet. I think you need to talk to her about this."
"Please Dwalin!"
"Go to bed." The warrior sighed heavily. "Your mam is a grown dwarrowdam. She won't like you poking your nose in her business."
"Aha! You do know!" Fili crowed, looking victorious.
"Goodnight." Dwalin slammed the door, refusing to answer when Fili pounded on it once more. Finally the impetuous younger dwarrow huffed off.
"So. Do you know?" Soft hands came from behind, sliding his shirt off of his very broad shoulders.
"No." Dwalin teased, his voice gruffer than it had been but a moment before. "Why don't you remind me?"
Dis chuckled as she continued undressing him.
