Requested by slashlover27! Enjoy!


It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Kofi Kingston, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely pleased, Kofi Kingston attacked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado,he realized that his beloved WWE Championship was missing!

Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, CM Punk. Kofi Kingston had known CM Punk for 11,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. CM Punk was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... selfish. Kofi Kingston called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

CM Punk picked up to a very happy Kofi Kingston. CM Punk calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats cringe before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually wildly grimace after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Kofi Kingston. Why was CM Punk trying to distract Kofi Kingston?

Because he had snuck out from Kofi Kingston's with the WWE Championship only four days prior. It was a enticing little WWE Championship... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Kofi Kingston got back to the subject at hand: his WWE Championship. CM Punk sighed. Relunctantly, CM Punk invited him over, assuring him they'd find the WWE Championship. Kofi Kingston grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, CM Punk realized that he was in trouble.

He had to find a place to hide the WWE Championship and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Kofi Kingston took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least eight minutes before Kofi Kingston would get there. But if he took the ferarri? Then CM Punk would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, CM Punk was interrupted by seven dimwitted tortoises that were lured by his WWE Championship. CM Punk panicked; 'Not again', he thought.

Feeling exasperated, he aimlessly reached for his ninja star and fearlessly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the ferarri rolling up. It was Kofi Kingston.

-o0o-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Kofi Kingston was out of the ferarri and went wildly jaunting toward CM Punk's front door. Meanwhile inside, CM Punk was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the WWE Championship into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his giraffe. CM Punk was concerned but at least the WWE Championship was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' CM Punk explosively purred. With a quick push, Kofi Kingston opened the door.

'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying coke fiend in a Jap Trap,' he lied.

'It's fine,' CM Punk assured him.

Kofi Kingston took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where CM Punk had hidden the WWE Championship. CM Punk yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.

'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Kofi Kingston was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, CM Punk noticed a funny-smelling look on Kofi Kingston's face. Kofi Kingston slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

CM Punk felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Kofi Kingston asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the WWE Championship right by his oscillating fan.

'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Kofi Kingston's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place.

'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Kofi Kingston nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before CM Punk could react, Kofi Kingston thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The WWE Championship was plainly in view.

Kofi Kingston stared at CM Punk for what what must've been three hours. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, CM Punk groped scandalously in Kofi Kingston's direction, clearly desperate. Kofi Kingston grabbed the WWE Championship and bolted for the door. It was locked. CM Punk let out a striking chuckle.

'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Kofi Kingston,' he rebuked. CM Punk always had been a little dimwitted, so Kofi Kingston knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before CM Punk did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his WWE Championship tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

CM Punk looked on, blankly.

'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Kofi Kingston.

'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Kofi Kingston. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. CM Punk walked over to the window and looked down. Kofi Kingston was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Kofi Kingston was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind CM Punk's place. Kofi Kingston had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral tortoises suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the WWE Championship.

One by one they latched on to Kofi Kingston. Already weakened from his injury, Kofi Kingston yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of tortoises running off with his WWE Championship.

But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Kofi Kingston's WWE Championship. Feeling frustrated, God smote the tortoises for their injustice. Then He got in His Jap Trap and blasted away with the fortitude of 200,000 3-legged wallabies running from a bloated pack of albino cats.

Kofi Kingston jumped with joy when he saw this. His WWE Championship was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Pawn Stars, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet rusty razor blade'). Kofi Kingston was elated. And so, everyone except CM Punk and a few rusty razor blade-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.