A/N: Well, it certainly has been a while since I updated... I hope you're still with me. This chapter is a continuation of the second.
Thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work and who has also inspired me by giving me some funny ideas. :)
I hope this chapter lights up your day. ;)
Review:
The Sheriff drove further with a stern expression on her face, the window open beside her and her head hung out of it.
When butterflies suddenly blocked the blonde's view, she was totally taken aback and steered into the opposite direction. The tires screeched and the car instantly turned over.
…to be continued.
Chapter 3 – Everyone loves great tits
Emma's collision with the steering wheel was thankfully softened by a few butterflies. The blonde groaned as she leaned back in her seat and looked around. The passenger seat's door was wide open. She turned around to see that the cows were gone as well. What the fuck?
The Sheriff moved out of the car to examine the situation. They had crashed into a tree, Miss Blanchfart's new car was squashed and the damage seemed to be beyond repair.
All of them could have been lucky that nothing severe had happened, if all of them were actually here. The only thing that the cows had left behind was disgusting poop in the backseat. Emma contorted her face at the sight.
One way or another, the blonde was sure that a hit and run was illegal. Her mother had apparently left the scene of the accident with the two cows in tow and this time, the Sheriff wouldn't be so forgiving. Snow was surely to blame for the accident and she was going to pay for it, especially for also leaving Emma behind like that.
At Snow's
"Hush, Hannah. The Sheriff won't find us here, I promise." Snow cooed to the crimson cow that stood in Snow's apartment, thinking 'THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE SHE'LL LOOK, YOU IDIOTIC WOMAN'.
When a few seconds passed, there was a knock at the door. The woman with the pixie haircut narrowed her eyes and moved to the door, opening it slowly. As soon as she took in the attire of the person standing across from her, her eyes nearly popped out of her head and she screamed.
"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
Right after she had said that, she farted in order to confuse the Sheriff for a while. That apparently worked since Emma crinkled her forehead in confusion and her nose in disgust. Snow instantly closed the door before the blonde could make coherent thoughts about the stinking butterflies and ran to a side entrance of the apartment.
Emma stood in front of the closed door and shook her head lightly. She was really starting to get pissed. Once she wanted to turn around and head back to her car, there was a loud moo coming from not so far away.
In that moment, the blonde saw two cows falling out of one of the windows of Snow's apartment. It was about twenty feet from where she had just stood. Emma laughed to herself as she moved over to them. That was going to be easier than she had expected.
When the Sheriff reached the animals, she instantly noticed that they were only dummies. She groaned angrily and suddenly heard a voice coming from the front door.
"YOU'VE JUST GOT TRICKED!"
Snow happily exclaimed as she rode away on the crimson cow, the other one – the normal looking one – galloping behind.
Emma huffed out and rolled her eyes at the action.
A second later, her cell-phone rang, tearing her out of her angry feelings towards her mother. She answered it quickly.
"Sheriff Swan. What seems to be the problem?"
The person on the other side talked and Emma nodded in response to what was said. When the person seemed to be done, she spoke up in an 'I don't have time for this shit' – manner.
"Yeah, sure. I'll be there in a second."
20 minutes later
Emma arrived at the grocery store about 20 minutes later and immediately walked over to its owner. He was the one who had called her about an important matter that needed the Sheriff's observation.
"What is it?" The blonde asked, crinkling her forehead.
"Look over here." The owner replied and led Emma to an emptied shelf.
"You're doing inventory. So what?"
"No. Someone stole all of my alcoholic drinks. And I've just got an anonymous phone call from someone who sounded strangely like Snow, stating that the alcohol would be at the Mayors. So I don't know who's responsible for this shit, I just want my booze back…"
Before the guy could ramble further, Emma spoke up, successfully interrupting the weird dude.
"Alright, alright. I'm on it."
She hurried out of the shop and instantly drove to the mansion.
At the mansion
Once Emma entered the house, she heard a husky voice echo through it.
"…Don't be a drag, just be a queen…" The former Evil Queen sang, feeling super confident about herself. She was becoming quite a fan of Lady Gaga, especially due to her wide range of crazy outfits.
Regina was oblivious to the fact that Emma had already made her way into their bedroom, eyeing her with a confused and yet amused look on her face. The blonde came closer and made one wrong move, making Regina stop her ridiculously sexy movements and singing.
The brunette's mouth definitely had various qualities except from talking.
"Don't stop." Emma pouted at her girlfriend.
Regina raised one eyebrow and smirked at the blonde before she spoke up.
"You have already returned from your little trip with the cows?"
"Yeah… about that…" The blonde told Regina everything that had happened, including the thing about the stolen alcoholic bottles.
Once Emma was finished talking, the brunette rolled her eyes before she dryly stated.
"Well, it does seem likely that I would steal booze."
"I know, Gina. I still have to have a look around."
"Do as you please, Sheriff."
After a while of searching, Emma really found several bottles on the stove in the kitchen.
"And of course, I wouldn't think of hiding them." Regina spoke up in a sarcastic tone, showing off her annoyance.
"What is that smell?" Emma suddenly said.
"I suppose the question concerning us most would be: What the hell is Snow doing in my house again?" The brunette angrily spit out.
"Our house. Haven't we already settled that in Neverland?" The blonde interrupted, looking at Regina with her most adorable puppy eyes.
"Emma, yes, it's our house. However, that is not OUR concern at the moment." Regina said as she eyed Emma intensely.
The blonde managed to analyze the situation a minute later and gave her response.
"Is she trying to blame you for having stolen those bottles?"
"Yes, I do think so, Sherlock." Regina teased flatly.
"Gina." The blonde huffed out.
"Miss Swan, go find that hideous mother of yours and arrest her or otherwise I will do much worse things to her."
Emma gulped as she looked at her dark-haired lover and replied quickly, her voice shaking a little.
"There's no need to kill her."
"Who said anything about killing?" The brunette countered, a wicked smirk settling on her features.
While Emma and Regina were standing in their kitchen, talking to one another, Snow popped up and down at the window several times before she walked away. As she passed it, her cows trotted after her, carrying furnishings with them on their backs. The two women in the mansion didn't take notice of the idiots walking by and inexpertly robbing them of some of their belongings.
"Whatever. I'll find her." The blonde spoke up after a while.
"Just don't." Regina said, rolling her eyes.
"What?"
"Use the F word."
"Fucking?" The blonde asked as she grinned sheepishly at her older lover.
"That is highly indecent."
"You love it."
Hannah Mootana carried a huge desk and nearly stumbled into the wall of the mansion. Fortunately, she accomplished the task of moving the furniture and went by the window unrecognized. The two love-struck fools were too in love and occupied with each other to even see what had happened a meter across from them.
"You are kinky, Sheriff." The brunette purred.
"Oh, you love me."
"Yes, indeed, I do. You shall get your reward later. Now, go." Regina shoved the blonde towards the door.
Emma exhaled exaggeratedly and before she could exit the kitchen, there was a loud bang from nearby.
"THAT WASN'T ME!" Ruby screamed once she had hopped out of a closet.
"Did you just come out of the closet?" Emma asked, looking at the wolf girl expectantly.
"Um, yes."
"I win! I think you owe me fifty dollars." The blonde said, eyeing Regina who rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's idiocy.
"She did not say that she's a lesbian." Regina hissed through gritted teeth.
"But that counts, too."
Suddenly Henry ran into the kitchen, screaming.
"EMMA JUST SAID BUTT!"
"Henry, that's not funny at all. I say shit and stupid things almost all of the time." Emma replied, looking at her son with a worried face.
Something was definitely wrong with Henry. Maybe he had spent too much time with his biological father or the genes were finally coming through… he couldn't get that dumb all of a sudden or could he?
"EMMA JUST SAID SHIT!" Henry exclaimed loudly and proudly.
"Sometimes I have the feeling that I should arrest this whole town… and then I think 'nah, rather not'." The blonde mumbled, barely audible as she eyed her dark-haired lover.
The latter spoke up when Emma was finished.
"Just start by arresting Miss Blanchfart, Sandy Bullock and Baconbreast." Once Regina spit out the last name, there was a loud scream that came from outside.
"IT'S HANNAH MOOTANA FOR THE LOVE OF GREAT TITS!"
"Did your mother just say 'great tits'?" The brunette contorted her face and looked a bit shocked as she locked eyes with Emma.
The blonde just shrugged her shoulders when she replied.
"Yeah, I think some of her favorite birds are called great tits."
"Well, good to know."
"I think we have just found my mother."
"No shit." Regina replied dryly.
Before Henry could even say something, Emma held her hand over his mouth and spoke up.
"Save it, Henry. Just save it."
Once the boy seemed to have calmed down, the blonde exited the house in order to finally arrest her mother.
As soon as she made her way around the house, she heard some moos. Emma could have bet that one even came from her mother.
The blonde was shocked beyond words when she saw her mother with a hockey mask, holding up a chainsaw and starting to saw Regina's wooden desk.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Emma screamed fearfully.
"BUILDING A CRIB!" Snow yelled happily.
However, once she noticed who had posed the question, she quickly looked up.
"FUCK THE POLICE!" The woman with the pixie haircut said loudly as she hopped on Hannah Mootana in order to quickly gallop away.
Sandy Bullock drooled on Emma's shoes and followed the other cow. Emma just stood there, completely in shock with a wide open mouth.
"What the actual fuck just happened?" She mumbled after a while as she eyed the furnishings that were still lying around the apple tree.
The blonde was actually quite happy that Snow hadn't used the chainsaw on Regina's beloved tree.
Suddenly, something cracked loudly and branch after branch fell from the tree and onto the meadow. Emma's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she eyed the tree, which was slowly falling apart.
"Regina's going to kill me." The blonde muttered and held her hand to her forehead.
After a while, the mayor also walked into their backyard.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER AND HER WHOLE ANIMAL CREW IF IT'S THE LAST THING I'LL DO!" Regina yelled once she took notice of her apple tree and Emma standing across from it.
"Hop in the car, love. We have a delinquent to punish." The brunette spoke up with an evil smirk instantly grazing her face.
"Well, we should catch her first." Emma suggested sheepishly.
"Same thing." Regina said dryly and sat down in the passenger seat of the Sheriff's car.
The blonde quickly followed her lover and started the engine.
They drove in the direction in which the cows and Snow apparently had moved. After a long while, Regina started to speak up angrily.
"Where are they? They can't have gotten that far. She's riding on cows for fuck's sake."
"It seems like I've got that from my mother."
"Did you just indirectly call me a cow?" The brunette said and narrowed her eyes at Emma.
"God, no. I meant that I'm good at riding… if you know what I mean." The blonde replied teasingly and glanced over to Regina for a second before she looked at the road again.
"You're such a kinky bitch. I'm sure you haven't gotten that from your mother, even if she apparently has a thing for great tits."
"So have I." Emma countered and smiled broadly.
"AND I!" Ruby suddenly exclaimed happily, sitting in the back. After a second, she continued.
"I'm still waiting for baby Swan Queen though, and I hope she will be as beautiful as Regina Milf… I mean Mills."
"Have you just called Regina a mother you'd like to fuck?" The blonde asked angrily.
"Um, maybe."
"You better not have, since I'm the only one who is fucking her. And I also happen to have copyrighted the name Regina Milf." Emma said proudly and put her hand on Regina's thigh, still managing to eye the street.
"You did?" Regina asked, quite stunned at the fact.
"Sure did. Before we got together though."
The car came to a halt at a red light and once the light turned green again, two cows crossed the street, successfully preventing Emma to drive on.
Snow who was on top of the crimson animal started to yell once they passed the Sheriff's car.
"They see me rollin'. They hatin', patrolling, they tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty. Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty!"
"LET'S CATCH THAT NIGGAH!" Ruby yelled from the backseat.
"What I wouldn't give for another sleeping curse." Regina mumbled silently.
The tires squealed as Emma made a sharp bend to the right in an attempt to chase her mother.
"Is she drunk?" The brunette in the passenger's seat asked once she examined Snow's weird riding style.
"Have you ever ridden a cow?" Emma countered.
Regina knitted her eyebrows and replied dryly.
"Good point."
They kept on driving through the town, gaining weird looks from the inhabitants of Storybrooke as they followed the two cows. The Sheriff's car was getting closer by the minute and the cows seemed to be quite exhausted.
Charming stood on the sidewalk, watching the scene unfold and following it by looking from left to right. When they seemingly were out of reach, he contorted his face in confusion. After a second, the bunch of people moved from right to left again, making the prince become even more confused.
Ruby clicked on her iPod as they drove on and the Bunny Hill theme instantly blasted through the speakers. Regina turned around to give the wolf girl an unamused look, but the latter obviously didn't care as she just narrowed her eyes on the street, trying to stay focused.
Once the Sheriff's car was really close to the cows, Sandy Bullock suddenly pooped.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Emma screamed as she tried to avoid the poop.
She didn't manage to get around it and a huge pile of shit landed on the windshield, preventing her from seeing anything. As soon as the blonde put the wiper to use, the shit uniformly smeared across the whole windshield.
Emma stopped the car and instantly got out, watching her mother ride towards the sunset. Regina stood beside her and rolled her eyes in exhaustion. It was definitely time for the former Evil Queen to finally shine.
"The mayor is dead. Long live the evil mayor." Regina huskily spoke with her head held high and a wicked smirk on her face.
Emma furrowed her eyebrows and eyed the brunette intensely before she spoke up.
"Seriously, Gina?"
"I'm totally on board! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE EVIL QUEEN. LET'S CATCH SNOW!" The waitress exclaimed loudly as she stood beside Regina and Emma.
The former Evil Queen huffed out exaggeratedly and gave a response.
"The sight of you is disastrous, Miss Lucas. I consider myself fortunate to not have eye cancer. Just go take yourself for a walk."
"EVIL IS SURELY BACK!" Ruby yelled before she ran away into the direction of the forest.
After a while of watching the wolf girl leave, Emma asked.
"What now?"
"Magic."
That was the only word that left Regina's lips as she instantly grabbed the blonde's hand and 'poofed' them to Snow.
They landed in yet another pile of shit, standing across from the cows and Snow. The latter loudly squeaked once she saw Regina and Emma who were covered in mud. Before she could ride away again though, purple smoke engulfed the three women, leaving two confused cows behind.
This time, they all landed in the mansion's bathroom. The blonde and the mayor nakedly sat in the bathtub and Snow was chained to the toilet with her head in the bowl.
Regina chuckled breathily as she eyed her perfectly accomplished work.
Emma looked quite shocked once she saw the scene that was displayed in front of her… She would definitely not get entangled with the mayor in front of her own mother. Before she could protest though, Regina leaned in and teasingly whispered into the blonde's ear.
"Don't worry, dear. The choice is yours. We don't have to do anything, but we could fuck right now."
Once Emma heard 'fuck' coming from Regina's lips she nearly lost conscience. She knew that Regina Milf would be the death of her. However, she couldn't do that to her mother and she would also feel incredibly weird about it.
"I THINK IT'S AN ABSURDITY TO HAVE SEX BEFORE THE MARRIAGE! AND BESIDES YOU'RE ALREADY PREGNANT! AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD ME THE GIRL'S NAME!" Snow suddenly screamed into the toilet.
Regina magically activated the flush and chuckled darkly. That hideous woman really made her nuts. Once the woman with the pixie haircut seemed to be able to hear again, the brunette replied dryly.
"It's going to be a gorilla."
After that, Emma's eyes nearly popped of her head but before she could say anything, Ruby suddenly hopped out of the shower just as naked as the ones in the tub and yelled loudly.
"NO! I WANT A GIRL! I'M MEANT TO BE WITH BABY SWAN QUEEN! I'M AS GAY AS CHARMING… I mean EMMA!"
"Did you just say that my husband is gay?" Snow said but her voice was barely audible inside of the toilet.
"Well, yeah, as in happy and all that." The wolf girl quickly corrected herself, hoping that the butterfly pooper would just go with it.
The woman who was chained huffed out and replied smilingly.
"Oh okay, then I guess we are all happy, but you're still getting a girl though, right?"
Emma was still in shock as she intently eyed Regina. However, she nevertheless looked around to see Henry who strangely didn't make his appearance.
"We'll see." Regina spoke up teasingly, leaving everyone in complete and utter confusion.
