These characters are under copyright by Hajime Isayama and/or Kodansha Comics or others. This is a work of fanfiction, for no monetary gain.
Chapter 3 – The Road Less Traveled
As Sasha and the others had expected, the hundred plus Military Police had stayed on the main road back to the Capital, as evidenced by thenumerous hoofprints and manure piles they'd left upon the well-packed earth. It was eerily quiet as a result, every bird and mammal within five kilometers of the road having fled from the loud, clanking, potentially hungry force.
Sasha was relieved when after a time on the main road they turned onto the less traveled road that branched from it, though she was all but oblivious to the beauty of the terrain around them, the clear stream rambling through the scattered trees paralleling the road and the rolling, tilled fields of the many farms beyond them. Just thinking about the morning, their arrests, was terrifying. If it hadn't been for Levi…
"Stop looking at him like that," Connie snarled.
Unfortunately, Connie didn't share her gratitude, stubbornly oblivious to the risks Levi had taken, not only that Connie could easily have actually been the Titan they'd accused him of being, but just for crossing the Military Police itself, after what Commander Erwin had told them. Siding with the prisoners was an act of treason, immediately punishable by death. Levi had walked a wire thin line, challenging the Military Police like he had, particularly considering his past as a thief, especially since she knew Commander Dok personally despised Levi. She and Levi had had a number of talks in Pewter's stall, resulting in her learning more than most people knew about their lovably prickly Captain. She'd tried to explain to Connie, but he was in too much pain and too humiliated to listen. And no doubt planning all kinds of foolish retaliation.
Sasha kept her tone gentle, but didn't pull any punches with her words. "I know you don't understand why what Captain Levi did was necessary. You don't have to be grateful to him for saving your life, but he saved me too, and Jean. Not just this morning, either, but before. I could be serving time right now in a Military Police prison for what I stole, or been six feet under from that poison, and Jean would be long dead from a self-inflicted shot to the head." She realized she'd made a mistake when Connie's face reddened in fury.
"Just what the fuck happened in that little bastard's office, after he caught you? Tell me that sausage was the only thing fucking you."
Every iota of compassion and understanding she'd felt towards her hotheaded boyfriend evaporated with his words. "You honestly believed that cock and bull report Levi wrote? No, you obviously think even worse of me. You apparently believe I'd actually whore myself out for a piece of meat. Well you can go fuck yourself, Connie Springer, because I'm sure as hell not going to," she snapped, kneeing Butterscotch in the sides, causing her horse to spring in front of the stupid prick before she said something she'd likely regret later.
Uh oh. From the death glare Levi was currently giving Connie, she'd spoken a little too loudly. She pulled forward further, until her horse was abreast of Levi's, on his right, opposite Erwin's position, knowing ultimately it would piss Connie off worse, but for the sake of the little twerp's health, not having the luxury to care. "Don't, Levi. Please. He didn't really mean it. You hurt his pride even worse than his jaw, and it's not like I went around trumpeting my relationship with you. I was discreet about it, for both our sakes, because I knew everyone would get the wrong impression and…"
Shit. She turned to Commander Erwin, who was remaining so calculatedly impassive. "Um… Commander Erwin? When I said 'relationship', I didn't mean that the way it sounds. It's more a novice and master sort of thing."
"I've understood the type of relationship you two have since the poisoning, Blouse. Perhaps even better than you do, unless Levi has spoken to you more than I think," Erwin said calmly.
Sasha figured the Commander might be referring to Isabel, but she wasn't about to mention her name in front of either of them.
"Good. I'm glad you understand. I'm sorry for intruding, sir," she said sincerely. Because Erwin needed time with Levi. From all she'd heard, Erwin had been caring for the dying horses in the stable, while Levi had been in charge of the Infirmary, and it must have been devastating to see so many of their horses die, having been all but helpless to save them, especially for someone as brilliant and powerful as the Commander.
She slowed her horse, waiting for Connie. Levi hadn't promised he wouldn't hurt Connie, but that murderous gleam had left Levi's eyes, so she trusted her idiot boyfriend was safe for now.
Jean intercepted her. "Connie wants to tell you he's sorry he was such a dick, Sasha. He wants to, but he's too much of a proud ass to do more than think it. Go easy on him anyway, OK? It was humiliating for all of us, being accused and treated like that, like rabid dogs, in front of our friends and comrades, after risking our lives for the City, but Connie got his ass kicked, well, his face kicked, by Levi, too, right in front of you. A guy never wants to look weak in front of his girlfriend, let alone have her be hurt and be powerless to help. Don't push him away, OK? He's not the type to kill himself over this, but I'm worried that he is the type to try to kill someone else. And you know if he goes after Levi he's… well, I don't think Levi would actually kill him, but Connie's pride would definitely take another hit. And then he'd try to prove how brave and tough he is to you in spite of it, and get eaten in the process."
Sasha sighed. "I know. It's not like it was easy for me either, you know, seeing the two of you treated like that. Or me, either. I really thought… I didn't think even Levi would be able to…" She stopped, too choked up to continue speaking. She'd thought the Military Police were going to torture them to death, slowly, that they'd cut them apart and… Her head swam as her heart pounded and she fisted Butterscotch's mane with her left hand to keep from falling off him.
"Sasha! Hey! Shit, are you OK? Squad Leader Hange, Mikasa, Sasha's sick!" Jean called out, panicked.
Sasha shook her head, to argue that she wasn't, but that made her more woozy and dizzy and she slumped against Butterscotch's neck.
"Sasha!" both Levi and Connie called simultaneously, Levi from her right and Connie from her left.
"Move, both of you. Give her some space, so I can help her dismount and take a look at her," Hange scolded.
Sasha was vaguely aware of Hange shepherding her off her horse and onto the grassy ground beside the road, having her lie down in the dappled shade under one of the trees, so the sun wouldn't glare in her eyes.
Sasha felt rough, warm, clinical fingers at the pulse on her throat, and then probing along her neck. Then her eyes were checked, Hange's own normally manic eyes uncharacteristically serious, through the thick lenses of her glasses.
"When was your last period?" Hange asked bluntly.
Sasha squirmed in humiliation. "Last week. I'm not pregnant," she mumbled, embarrassed.
"Well no, I wouldn't expect you to be. You'd have lost it when you were poisoned," Hange confirmed, in her typical appalling bedside manner. "I was thinking more along the lines of anemia, either from your period or perhaps as an unexpected aftereffect of the hemoperfusion. When did you last eat, and what did you have?" she asked, as she probed her abdomen.
Sasha bit her lip guiltily. "Um… the Monkshood," she admitted.
"I meant after you were poisoned. What have you… oh. Well, that explains it. Honestly, Sasha, with your metabolism, it's a wonder you were riding at all, if you haven't eaten in the past two days, especially since I know for a fact everything that had been in your stomach was expelled when you vomited, or forcibly removed, through the gastric lavage. You're suffering from low blood sugar and the start of malnutrition and starvation. You need to eat. Now. I don't care if we weren't planning on stopping for a meal until tonight."
"But we can't delay our mission just for me," Sasha argued.
"You should have thought about that before you starved yourself, you stupid brat. Why the hell didn't you eat?" Levi snapped.
"It's Jean's fault. He interrupted her in the Mess Hall yesterday," Connie accused.
"Honestly, Connie, sometimes you're so oblivious, it scares me," Jean said in disgust. "She had a heaping plate when I came in and was just staring at it. When she said her eyes were bigger than her stomach and I should eat it, I realized she was too scared to eat. I tried to convince her it was safe, and I was going to make sure she ate some soup at least, but things went kind of south from there. But this morning at breakfast, and then at lunch, she should have eaten. She said she ate with you, Connie, so what the hell happened?" Jean demanded.
"What do you mean, with me? She told me she had breakfast with you, and said she was having lunch with Armin, because she needed to talk to the two of you individually because you were both such idiots. So it's your fault and Armin's that… Wait a minute. You mean she wasn't with you guys?" Connie looked from Jean to Armin, both of whom shook their heads, and then his eyes narrowed, as he glared suspiciously at Levi.
"Damn it! I wasn't with anyone, alright?" Sasha snapped, furious more with herself than Connie. "I was hiding in the shower. Because I wanted to hide in the stable, but just smelling the manure made me cry my eyes out, remembering Pewter, and how much he'd hurt and how much I'd hurt, how scared I was, when… I almost died, Connie. I should have died. Levi and Hange saved me, but… every time I think about… about… food…," she forced out, almost choking on the word, unable to continue.
"No. No fucking way!" Levi fumed, kneeling at her side, pain flashing across his face, either from his leg or because of her. "Listen up, you shitty brat. If you think I'm going to let you, of all people, develop some fucked up phobia about food, like my stupid-ass hydro-fucking-phobia, you're out of your shitty little mind. You're going to eat if I have to hold your nose shut and force-feed you like a damned toddler!" Levi snapped.
"Um… Levi? That's not how you feed toddlers," Hange ventured.
"Tch. A lot you know. It sure as fuck worked for the mothers trying to get their kids to eat that reeking garbage in the Underground," Levi snapped.
Sasha slammed her hand over her mouth as her stomach heaved, then yanked her hand away, as she bolted upright, turned her head, and vomited up a wave of bitter bile.
A moment later there was a slender-fingered scarred but gentle hand brushing against her cheek, as her hair was pulled away from her mouth, while she heaved again.
"Get the fuck off her!" Connie roared, and Sasha winced and tensed as Levi sprang up, hissing in pain or fury.
"That's enough, both of you!" Erwin's iron voice commanded from behind her, apparently having stepped between the two hotheads. "Levi, leave Blouse to Hange. She'll deal with her physical and psychological issues. Springer, you're not helping Blouse with this juvenile pissing contest. Levi has absolutely no romantic interest in Blouse, or in any other woman. She's a close friend. Get used to the idea. Not only does Levi does not suffer fools lightly, he doesn't tolerate them at all. If you want to remain in his Squad with your friends, including Blouse, you need to start acting like a soldier, not a lovesick teenager."
Sasha hated that both Levi and Connie got reprimanded because of her.
"We're breaking for a meal for Blouse. The rest of you, take off your horses' bridles, water them, and let them graze a little. Stretch your legs. We'll move again once Hange tells us to," Erwin ordered.
Hange helped Sasha clean her face and hands, and then handed her a tin plate. "Erwin bought food for the entire Corps from the Market, out of his own personal funds, to ensure it's safe to eat. We're going to start you off with crackers and a handful of nuts for this meal, because you need the carbohydrates and protein the most right now, and obviously even dried fruits and vegetables will be what you're most afraid of. If you keep that down successfully and are hungry for more, we'll play it by ear."
Sasha nodded miserably, for one of the first times in her life eating reluctantly, instead of enthusiastically.
"You have to take better care of yourself, Sasha, and not just for your own sake. You, more than anyone save for Erwin and perhaps Armin and Mikasa have the power to hurt Levi, although I'm not sure you realize all the reasons," Hange said unusually softly, obviously not wanting to be overheard. "Has Levi ever mentioned someone named Isabel to you?" she all but whispered.
Sasha forced herself to swallow the now mushy nuts in her mouth and quickly took a drink of water, all but holding her breath, half expecting to feel that crippling pain ripping through her again. "I know about her, that I remind him of her, not just because of my hair, but how crazy and eager I am about things, and the way I laugh and smile. How full of life I am. I know in the Infirmary that's what was destroying him the most. It was like watching her die a second time. I'd feel worse about that, except this time he was able to stop it, this time he was able to save her… me. I hurt so much, and I was so scared, I just wanted it to end. It would have been so easy to give up. But I couldn't do that to him. I'm such an idiot now, for having done this. I should have realized I couldn't just get away with not eating indefinitely."
"Fear can be debilitating, if you let it be. It can destroy you. You have to overcome your fears, or destroy them instead," Hange said, cold, hard steel in her voice.
As she nibbled reluctantly on one of the crackers, Sasha wondered what Hange had been afraid of, what she'd overcome. It seemed everyone in the Corps had demons they'd fought and defeated. Maybe that's why they were able to face monsters like the Titans. Until now, she'd had a relatively happy life. She'd loved her little hunting village and the people in it. Maybe now she'd be able to relate better to all the tragic histories around her.
A shadow fell over her, and for a moment she was impressed Levi could be blocking the sun so well, considering how little he was, even as she hoped Commander Erwin wouldn't yell at him for coming over to her, until the figure knelt down, and she realized it was the Commander himself.
"How are you feeling?" Commander Erwin asked with surprising gentleness, for once more compassion than curiosity in his voice.
"Like an idiot," she answered honestly. "I'm sorry for delaying us unnecessarily, sir."
"Understandable. But not what I was asking. How's your stomach handling the crackers?" he asked.
"Alright so far," she admitted, then winced when she realized she'd qualified her statement, implying it wouldn't stay that way. "I mean, I'm fine sir."
"Are you? I couldn't help noticing you've been discreetly crushing your crackers into crumbs and sprinkling them behind you on the ground," Commander Erwin chided.
Sasha's eyes widened in shock, not at being caught, but because she hadn't even been aware she was doing that. "I… I did?" she asked, turning around and seeing the evidence.
"I've recently become a bit of an expert at disposing food without eating it, though thankfully mostly without wasting it," the Commander unexpectedly admitted. "I'm sure the birds and ants will be happy you've been so generous, but try to eat more. Trust me, it only gets harder the longer you put it off. Also, I don't think you'll want to miss dinner tonight, and your stomach won't be up to it if you haven't eaten before then. But if you need some added incentive, we'll have to leave you behind in the Capital if you don't eat now, and then have a bigger meal tonight, and a hearty breakfast and lunch tomorrow. I don't think you want Springer or Kirstein or Levi on this mission without you." The threat was delivered with surprising gentleness. He handed her a half dozen additional crackers, which he'd been concealing in his hand. "Eat up, Blouse. Everything we brought is safe. I promise."
"Yes sir," Sasha said meekly and obediently.
0 0 0
Armin saw Levi was scowling at Erwin and Sasha, not his angry scowl or his jealous one, but his concerned one, the one he got when someone he cared about was hurting, physically or emotionally. Armin smiled to himself, feeling warmth spread through him, in spite of his own worry about Sasha, realizing he knew Levi well enough to be able to tell the difference, and a little about how cute it was, that Levi had a scowl for everything.
"Won't it piss the Captain off more that you're smiling at him, when he's obviously in a bad mood?" Jean asked.
Armin turned his attention to Jean, concerned he might have misunderstood his look and been jealous, but Jean just looked wary and curious. "No. He likes my smile. But maybe I should… never mind. Mikasa's heading over to him. She'll make sure he realizes Sasha's going to be OK."
Jean shook his head. "It's kind of amazing, you know? I mean, the Captain could barely stand any of you, except maybe for Yeag… I mean, Eren, before you all went missing, and then when you came back, you were all buddies. Actually, if anything, you and Mikasa are way more close to him, and Eren's become a little distant. I kind of wonder what the attraction is. I mean, other than, you know, you thinking he's hot and all."
Armin shook his head. "I don't. I mean, well yeah, he's still hot, but I don't think of him that way anymore. I told you that. Well no, I told you I wasn't going to flirt with him anymore, but I meant more than that. I don't even see him that way anymore, mostly. And he's totally amazing, in so many ways, other than how he looks, or moves, or fights. He's the strongest person I've ever met. I don't mean physically, but mentally, emotionally. He's lived through and overcome so much, like Mikasa, and Eren. He's just really special." Armin wasn't sure Jean would understand what he was trying to say. The last thing he wanted was for Jean to get jealous.
"I suppose I'll have to take your word for it. Although I guess I see it, a little. He could have just let me blow my head off, or stopped me and then not cared if I tried again, as long as it wasn't in front of him, but instead, he went out of his way to see I got my head screwed on straight. I owe him a lot for that," Jean admitted.
"So do I," Armin said fervently. Just the thought of what Jean had almost done was terrifying.
Jean rubbed the back of his neck, looking sheepish, but also surprisingly relieved. "Why don't you talk to him too? Make sure he's OK?" he offered magnanimously. "I mean, I need to let my horse graze a little, and I want to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't eat anything he shouldn't, or get too close to Achilles or anything."
"If you're really OK with that, sure," Armin said, eager to make sure Levi was alright.
0 0 0
Jean felt guilty for lying to Armin, but he needed privacy. He wasn't really comfortable talking to Marco's spirit in front of anyone, but he was so relieved to feel him again, after what had happened that morning, that he couldn't stay silent.
Marco had been completely frantic when he was attacked and bound by the Military Police. Jean had actually been more worried about Marco's ghost than himself. Marco had been so agitated and upset that the usually soft chill of his presence had felt more like a raging blizzard, cold fury and wild winds; Jean was honestly kind of surprised he didn't have frostbite from it. But in spite of the violence of that silent protest, poor Marco had been powerless to help him, incorporeal and ineffectual in his ghostly plea for mercy. And then suddenly he was just gone.
Even with what had been happening to him, the danger he was in, Jean hadn't been nearly as frightened for himself as he was for Marco's soul. He'd thought maybe it had been destroyed somehow, by that anger that was so foreign to the serene, quiet, supportive man he'd known. A few moments ago, feeling a familiar cold hand on his shoulder and the hairs on his neck tingling as he spoke to Armin had been an incredible relief.
Jean tugged on Acorn's bridle, encouraging his horse toward a patch of grass away from the others, before taking the bit out of his mouth so he could graze freely. He knew Acorn wouldn't wander too far. Only a Titan could panic a Corps horse, and even then, most of them returned when called by a whistle.
"I was worried about you when you left, Marco. Although I guess I should have realized you were probably just frantically looking for some way to help me, like when you brought Captain Levi to save me before, huh?" Jean asked sotto voce.
The warmth that spread through the pressure on his shoulder was as clear a response as a voice would have been, reminding him poignantly of Marco's sweet smile.
"I'm glad. Not that I don't want you to move on, to go to heaven, because I do. But I was afraid something bad might have happened to you, that all that anger might have damaged you, maybe even destroyed you, somehow. You know that the others will do their best to protect me, right? It's OK for you to go, Marco. You deserve your heavenly reward for being such a good person."
The warmth on his shoulder stubbornly remained.
Jean sighed. "Alright. I guess you're not ready to go yet." Or maybe I'm just not ready for you to leave me. Because you're probably just in my head. Maybe. He honestly wasn't sure which was true.
