Disclaimer: These beautiful creatures belong to Stephenie Meyer
"Believe in the magic in our lives
Just open up your heart,
And relive the feeling.
-Can You Remember, Disneyland's Believe In Holiday Magic Fireworks Show conclusion
November 13
BPOV
I was sitting in my chair, in my office, staring at the ceiling.
Typically, when I was doing this, I was daydreaming. Well, if I wanted to be honest about it, and I didn't, I was still daydreaming, but I was also looking at an amazing display of someone having entirely too much time on their hands.
My entire ceiling was littered with Nightmare Before Christmas cards.
The day dreaming had come into play when I started to try to figure out who was fucking with my stuff every week. I always managed to figure out a way that Edward could be the culprit. After all, he was the one who had delivered these cards to me. I'd ordered them to come to work because I knew if I sent them home I'd be impatient to get them. Seeing my excitement when the box arrived, Edward had stayed to see what all the fuss was about.
I'm sorry, finding the entirety of the Nightmare Before Christmas Trading Card Game for the price I had was phenomenal. If the sender had lived close enough, I would have driven out to get them.
I had left the cards at work because there were some days when I could use a pick-me-up and it just comforted me that they were there. Edward knew they were there...so clearly, it could be him that was playing all these ridiculous, and admittedly hysterical, pranks on me every week.
Then again, whoever had been doing it obviously had no qualms with fucking with my stuff. All that he or she would have had to have done was see the box on my desk and open it to find the cards. It could have been anyone.
But I preferred to imagine it was Edward.
I also preferred to imagine copious amounts of office sex happening in my office. With him.
Over two months later and he still had most of my spare thoughts, and all of my more erotic fantasies. I banged my head on my desk with a little more force than I had been intending. "Ow!"
"Don't hurt yourself!" came a voice which had starred in none of my fantasies, despite his frequent attempts at flirting. Mike Newton. "What would some of us do if the office was deprived of you? Hey, I rhymed."
"Good morning, Mike," I said, rubbing my head.
"Good morning," he said cheerfully. "Why are we head-desking today?"
Instead of answering, I gestured above me. His eyes darted up and then his mouth gaped open. Not attractive, by the way. "Wow. Who did all that?"
"I wish I knew," I said, running through the list of people who got here before me every day. "Unfortunately, whoever it is seems to have flown under everyone's radar. Or they're all covering for him...or her."
"An office mystery," Mike said with what I think was supposed to be some sort of British accent. Obviously, he had been watching the trailer for the new Sherlock Holmes movie too many times.
"Nothing like a good mystery to keep you up nights," I mumbled.
"So, speaking of mysteries. I was wondering if," Mike started, and I had to bite back a groan. He had been persistently trying to get me to go out with him.
Then several things happened at once.
I heard Edward's voice first. I always did. I swear I could pick up his smooth, even timbre from across the office. Except today he sounded agitated, and close. "Alice!"
Then a little black head appeared, peaking around Mike. "Excuse me!" the girl said pleasantly, before elbowing past him into my office. It might have been rude but it didn't look like she weighed much so it couldn't have hurt. Still, Mike looked a little flabbergasted. She looked at me and smiled a brilliant smile. "Hello. You must be Bella," she said cheerfully. Her eyes raked me up and down, assessing me, though curiously I didn't feel judged at all.
"Alice," Edward's voice, still irritated, now came from my doorway. He stood behind Mike, looking a little flustered. Flustered was a good look on him. Of course, everything was. The Alice creature didn't even bother to turn towards him. She was looking around the room. He rolled his eyes and then looked up at me apologetically. "I'm sorry. This is my sister, Alice. She seems to have forgotten everything our mother taught us about manners."
"Oh, lighten up, Duracell," Alice snapped at her brother, not in an angry way, but in a familiar, teasing way. She looked back at me. "I'm sorry for busting in here. Edward's just told me so much about you...your Nightmare Before Christmas Collection. I just had to see it for myself. Very impressive." She looked up, and her eyes widened. Curiously, instead of looking at me, she stared back at her brother with a smirk on her face when she asked the next question. "So, Bella, you ran out of room on the walls and had to use the ceiling?"
Edward narrowed his eyes at his sister but then he looked over at me. He almost looked nervous. "I didn't do that," I said, thoroughly confused about whatever conversation I was missing between then. "Someone has been messing with my stuff on a weekly basis."
Alice finally turned back to me and she smiled again. "Office pranks. You know, I heard of a guy who had his floor completely covered, from desk to door, with glasses of water."
"I'll just...go," Mike, forgotten by everyone, made his escape. I felt a little sorry for him, but that feeling didn't last long as I was still trying to piece together what was happening. That Edward talked about me outside of work was a very interesting bit of information to have. Of course, it completely conflicted with the other bits of information about Edward Cullen that were currently wandering around my brain. Like the fact that he wasn't interested in me. That was a big one.
And I wasn't supposed to be interested in him. Dammit.
I forced myself to clear my head. "So," I said, before realizing I had no idea what else to say.
The need to say anything was alleviated as Alice brushed passed me, going to look out the window. "This is not a bad view at all. I mean, as far as office in Irvine views go."
"It's nice enough. I like the desert more than I like the hills though."
"Hmm," Alice said thoughtfully. Without turning around she moved onto her next question. "So what are you going to do if you ever find out who's been pranking you?"
I found it disconcerting to speak to someone's back. Actually, this entire scenario was more than a little surreal. Either way, I turned back to give Edward a slightly incredulous look as I answered his sister. "When I find the person responsible for all of this, they will rue the day they messed with me," I deadpanned.
Edward's eyebrows shot up. He looked...worried? "Why?"
"Because a prank war of epic proportions will ensue, of course," I answered, perplexed at the look on his face.
Edward burst out laughing. "Sounds like there will be hell to pay," he said in a mock serious voice, as if doubted I could bring the pain.
I narrowed my eyes at him playfully. "You've met Emmett. You think that man is not capable of some serious pranking? Believe me, I've learned from the best."
"The best?" came a disparaging voice from the doorway. "Man, I've out-pranked Emmett on his best day."
"Mushu!" I exclaimed happily, finding my other best friend Jasper Hale standing behind Edward and grinning at me. Rosalie Hale and I might not get along, but I would never regret her presence in my life. Not only did she make Emmett happy, but she brought her twin brother Jasper into our little equation.
"Mushu?" Alice giggled and I turned back to her. She was still facing the window but as she spoke she began to turn around. "Like the dragon from, Mulan? Doesn't look dangero-," she cut off abruptly as she turned, her eyes frozen wide on something behind me.
I turned around, wondering if there was some huge ass spider on the wall but saw nothing but Edward in the doorway, looking at his sister with a baffled expression on his face, and Jasper with ... pretty much exactly the same look as Alice had. His mouth had dropped open, and his eyes were wide as if he was listening to some profound piece of music in his head. Except he wasn't listening to music. He was looking at Alice. A glance back at Alice confirmed that she was looking at him.
"Doesn't look dangerous, but is plenty influential?" Jasper said, still looking at no one but her.
A slow smile spread across Alice's face. "Oh, you look plenty dangerous to me," she said softly.
Jasper smiled his wide smile, full of teeth and I was taken aback. He never smiled that way for a stranger. "Not to you, Snow White," he said.
"Hey. Flying Jay. W.T.F. mate? Do you know Alice?" I asked, snapping my fingers in front of his face to get his attention.
No shit, the guy blinked as if he was coming out of a trance. His eyelids fluttered and he ran a hand through his longish, scraggly hair, looking sheepish. "Alice in Wonderland?"
Another smile from Alice who had yet to look away from him. "Alice Cullen, actually," she said, extending her hand to Jasper.
He took it, clasping it instead of shaking it. "Jasper Hale."
"Mushu," I snapped, not annoyed but wanting to see if he was going to do the blinking thing again. He did. He turned to me as if he was unsure where I'd come from. Hysterical. Weird, but funny. "So what are you doing here?" I asked him.
"Umm," he stalled while his brain rebooted I assumed. "Emmett sent me to feed you. He said he promised you sustenance but Rosalie is demanding his attention."
"His loss is our gain," Alice interjected. "I was just taking Edward to lunch. Won't you join us?"
Before I could even think about replying, Jasper blurted, "Yes. We'd be delighted."
Edward and I exchanged bewildered expressions. He mouthed, "Delighted?" and I just shook my head. I had no idea what had gotten into Jasper. He was the direct counterpoint to Emmett's hyperactivity. He was always calm and unflappable.
Suffice to say, it appeared he had been flapped.
Lunch went much the same way. Alice and Jasper rarely looked away from each other. After listening to them chat for a while, Edward apparently got bored. He started making faces at his sister. I stifled a giggle as he mimicked her laughter at something Jasper had said. Once he caught me looking he started making even weirder faces. For having such a gorgeous face, Edward could twist it in the oddest of ways.
Alice struck back in good time. When Edward made a wide eyed, open mouthed face she didn't even look at him as she jammed a bread stick in his mouth. I laughed even harder as Edward sputtered and choked. Then I made the mistake of looking over at Jasper. He had a classic what-the-fuck-just-happened look on his face that made me double over again.
I calmed down abruptly when I realized that Alice was asking Jasper to go to some kick-boxing training class tonight.
It was all fun and games until Snow White tried abscond with my Disney partner for the night. Normally, I would be fine with it, but today was November 13th. All of the Christmas stuff was up. The tree lighting was tonight and, well... I just wanted to be there.
"Um," Jasper started, looking back and forth between her and me. He wasn't looking directly at me, but I could tell by his nervousness he really wanted to go with Alice. Like. REALLY.
"Alice," Edward said, putting on a slightly hurt expression. "I thought you were going with me."
Now it was Alice's turn to stutter. She looked over at her brother with fire in her eyes. You know, she was small, but she was intimidating. If she had looked at me with the look she was giving Edward, I would have been squirming in my seat. Instead he just stared back at her, giving her a stern look.
Again with the silent communication thing. It was kind of creepy.
The moment is interrupted by Jasper's phone going off. "Excuse me," Jasper said, moving to get out of the booth. "It's work."
As soon as Jasper was out of earshot Alice turned back to Edward. "Edward, what's wrong with you? Don't beaver dam me!" she smacked her brother on the arm.
It took me a minute. Beaver dam, cock block. I decided right then that I liked Alice, even if she was trying to thieve my Disney company.
"Don't be rude, Freak. Bella had him first," he admonished. "They have plans tonight."
I was a little taken aback. "How did you know that? Are you some kind of mind reader?"
The side of Edward's mouth quirked up in that half smile I loved so much. It was a good thing Alice had not inherited that smile because all she would have had to have done was flash it and I would have given up Jasper in a heartbeat. "No, I don't have that particular gift, but I am fairly good at reading body language," he said.
I turned to Alice. "He's right. Jasper was going to go with me to Disneyland," I said apologetically.
"Oh, Disneyland." Alice deflated just a little, her shoulders slumping. Then she perked up again, a devilish look passing over her features for a second before she hid it. "Why don't we swap? Edward was bellyaching about going with me to my class because he wants to see the all the Christmas decorations."
My stomach fluttered at the thought of going to Disneyland with Edward again. But then I saw Edward's grin fall and my heart twisted. No interest...even though I thought we'd had fun the last time.
You don't want him to have interest, remember? Well, yea but it's always nice. Flattering.
"It's okay, Alice," I said quickly. "If Jasper wants to go with you, it's not like I can't reschedule. The decorations will be up until January 3rdd. There's plenty of time to see them."
"Really, Bella," Alice said, eyes wide and too-innocent, "Edward would love to go with you. Wouldn't you, Edward?"
I opened my mouth to protest - I don't care how much I loved even being near Edward, I was not a charity case - when Jasper came back. "Hey Mushu," I said before I could be hoisted on Edward again, "I was thinking, I'm feeling kind of tired. I think I'm just going to go home and take it easy tonight. Let's reschedule Disney."
Jasper raised his eyebrow at me. "Are you alright, Mulan? You've been bouncing around about the whole Disney Christmas thing for weeks."
"Don't worry about me. I don't think Disney is going to go out of business. Go to class with Alice. Learn how to kick some ass," I said.
Normally, Jasper would have seen through my false enthusiasm, but he was totally lost on this girl. Apparently the Cullen irresistibility was inherited...or learned. I found myself wondering what their parents looked like. I bet his dad was fuckhot. It's actually good he had no interest in me because I would probably end up having an affair with Papa Cullen and break poor Edward's heart.
I returned to the office fairly sure I was going insane. Not only was I having deviant fantasies about Edward but I was now mixing in a dose of soap opera drama into my dalliances with a man I had never even seen or met.
I needed help.
A knock on my door made me snap my head up only to find green eyes staring at me with a measure of concern.
Alright, fate? Not helping. Just so you know.
"Hey, Edward," I greeted weakly.
"Are you really feeling tired? Because if you're not, we should go to Disneyland as planned," he said casually as he leaned against the doorway...also casually.
I sighed. The 17 year old girl in me was dying to say yes, regardless of the fact that it was a pity date. "It's okay, Edward. If you don't want to go with me-," I started but he cut me off.
"Look," he said, putting on a 'let's be simple about this' tone, "I have nothing to do tonight. Alice was right; I wanted to go to Disneyland. You want to go to Disneyland, what say we save the environment and go in the same car? Besides… Alice seems to have taken off with mine."
"Ah, I see. So you're just using me to get a ride," I teased him.
He smirked. "That's what she said."
I blushed, thoughts of riding Edward immediately dominating my brain.
"Sorry," he said, smiling apologetically. "That's one of my problems. I always seem to say too much when I'm around you. I'm usually not this dirty minded."
I laughed. "Don't worry. I happen to think a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." Besides, whenever he was around the gutter would be a step up from where my mind went, but I didn't want to tell him that. "Besides, that works much better as a 'that's what he said', don't you think?" I winked at him and then pretended to nonchalantly return my eyes to my work. Inside I was panicking. What the fuck was it about Edward Cullen that made it impossible not to flirt with him? "I'll meet you at four," I added, still not looking at him.
He made some affirmative noise and walked away. As soon as he was out of eye-shot I banged my head on my desk for the second time that day. The man had me undone in the space of a few short sentences and a touch on the arm. Last time I had been at Disneyland with him, I'd had Emmett as a buffer, and he'd literally had to pull me off of Edward once. If I wasn't careful, I was going to end up as one of those floozies who go down on guys on the longer rides. Hello?! There are cameras and hidden cast members EVERYWHERE.
Four came way too soon and way too quick. I heard Edward's cheerful whistling before he came to the door. He was whistling "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" which, in my opinion, should be illegal in the state of California where it most certainly did not ever look like Christmas. However, he looked so g'damned hot whilst doing it that I gave him a pass. I gave myself a stern warning not to look at him too much while I was driving. If I did, I was likely to crash.
"So, thanks for coming with me," I said as we got into my car. "You really didn't have to, you know."
Edward glanced at me with a raised eyebrow. "I love Disneyland, Bella. I'd take any excuse to go." Ouch. "I mean -," he stumbled. "That didn't come out right. Being with you is hardly a chore. Quite the opposite, actually." He cleared his throat. "So what's the attack plan today? What do we absolutely have to hit?"
I thought about it. "I would like to see the Christmas tree lighting, which I think we might be just in time for, and I would like to see the Christmas fireworks in front of the castle - well, I mean as in front of the castle as possible without being there many hours in advance."
"I think we can manage that." I could tell by the sound of his voice he was smiling again. I made sure to keep my eyes on the road to adhere to my no-crashing strategy.
We parked and were on the trams before I knew it. I loved people watching at Disneyland. There were times I went just to sit in the most crowded place I could find and listen in on passing conversations. A high pitched child's voice babbled to his mother in excitement as the tram got moving.
"Your son is very eloquent for such a young child," a woman's voice commented.
"Yes," the mother, I assumed, agreed. "He speaks too well," she said wryly. "I can't get anything past him since he figured out what I was spelling."
"You'll have to start spelling in a different language I suppose," the other voice said.
Without missing a beat the little boy's voice rang out loud and clear. "Konichiwa!"
I laughed and was surprised when I heard Edward laugh too. He leaned in close to me. "That's one for Oh Had At El," he said.
"Oh what-a?" I asked, trying to ignore what it did to my body when he whispered in my ear like that. Even when he was talking nonsense it did strange things to me.
He sighed. "I'm always doing that. , Overheard at Disneyland." he clarified. He gave me a sheepish smile. "I'm always accidentally revealing my total obsession with all things Disney."
"Hello," I said, pointing at myself. "Completely obsessed with a cartoon skeleton from the 90's." Besides, I did not say, it was alarmingly adorable.
As we got off the tram, the operator came on with his usual message. "Watch your head as you step off the tram. If you don't watch your head, watch your language."
That set us off giggling again. I decided if I could listen to the sound of his laughter all night, this was going to be one of my favorite Disney trips ever.
As I suspected, we got into the park only minutes before the tree lighting. People were buzzing around it excitedly. We found a low wall to lean on at the base of the train station where we could watch and be away from the crowd.
"I miss when it was a real tree," I said wistfully.
"Not all that much to miss," Edward replied lightly. "Every inch of that thing is covered in lights or ornaments. Besides, it's easier to do the LED thing they do. This tree can put on a show. How many real trees do you think can do that?"
We watched the tree light up and do its thing, which honestly made me entirely too pleased. I mean, it was just blinking lights, technically. Right?
"You like Christmas, don't you?" Edward said, closer to ear than I had expected.
"I don't know...I like the...feel of it if that makes sense," I said, watching the lights of the trees dance. "How do I put this into words? I don't like the need to give gifts, or the cheesy Christmas miracles movies on Lifetime; things like that. But I love the prettiness, I guess." I put my hands over my eyes. "I don't know. I'm a writer but you'd never know it by hearing me speak. I have no eloquence when I speak."
Edward smiled at me; a gentle smile. "Then how about the picture worth a thousand words?" He held up his hands and made a box like you see directors do in movies. He moved his makeshift box in front of me. "You like this." His hands framed the twinkling tree and Main Street with the castle all lit up in the background. "And this." His hands moved to the side a little, perfectly framing two little girls who were standing at the base of the tree. Their faces were completely lit up with gigantic smiles and they were jumping in delight, staring up at the tree.
I smiled at him and nodded, a warmth crawling across my chest that tingled like when your foot falls asleep but without the demi-painful part. "How about sound? Christmas carols, not the songs and things that have come up in the last twenty years, but the traditional carols."
He got up suddenly and opened his hand to me. I put my hand in his without thinking about it. He pulled me to my feet. We walked a few steps before our hands dropped reluctantly. "Do you know the name of the horse in Jingle Bells?" he asked as we walked.
I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. "They never say the name of the horse."
"Sure they do," he said, smiling mischievously.
I started singing the song to myself in my head. "No. No they don't." I insisted.
"It's bobtail." He laughed as I stared at him blankly. Then he started singing. "Bells on Bobtail ring, making spirits bright, what fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight!"
"That's so bad," I laughed. But my insides felt like they were turning into some form of inconsistent mush. There was a hard, raspy quality to his voice that made me think of a lounge singer on a darkened stage with his guitar, crooning something dark and sexy. I imagined that voice singing next to my ear and I had to shake myself slightly to come back to the present.
He was making it harder for me to fight my undeniable attraction to him. He was making it nearly impossible for me to remember why I wanted to. And I did want to fight it. I had my own reasons, but also there were the not interested signals I had gotten from him. After that first, white hot meeting he had not sought me out again. We exchanged smiles of greeting when we saw each other at work, or when he delivered something to my office, but other than that we hadn't talked. Then he had been at Disneyland with Jessica...and then he'd been mortified when Alice had forced him on me.
Only he didn't look disinterested now. He kept throwing little glances at me as we walked, a smile playing on his lips like he had a secret that made him happy; like he would rather be here with me rather than anywhere else in the world.
We got Fast Passes for Space Mountain and then decided to head toward New Orleans Square for dinner, hitting up a few rides on the way. The Matterhorn was first. As usual, the line was longish but moving steadily. We chatted easily as we waited.
"So, what Mickey ears do you have?" Edward asked conversationally.
"What makes you think I have Mickey ears?" I asked him, though I was just teasing. Of course I had Mickey ears. That was a rite of passage.
"Oh, come on," he gave me a disparaging look. "I know you have Mickey ears."
"Well, if you're such a know-it-all, you should know what kind of ears I have. I don't think it's difficult to guess." I rolled my eyes at him.
He smiled back. "Of course. As if I even had to ask. Jack Skellington ears."
"Of course," I sighed at my own predictability. "What about you. What are your Mickey ears?"
Jeez, what was this, Facebook? What kind of Mickey ears are you?
"Guess," he said playfully.
I ran through the types of ears that I could remember. "Oh, oh! Rastafarian dreads ears. I know that's you!" I started laughing at the mental image of Edward with dreads and the colorful beanie.
He laughed with me. "Not quite. But my Mickey ears do have dreads."
I gawked at him. "No way. You have Captain Jack pirate ears?" I squeaked. "That's…hot."
I had a thing for Johnny Depp. I had a thing for Johnny Depp as Captain Jack. And now I had a burgeoning fantasy of Edward Cullen, in his Captain Jack pirate ears, at the foot of my bed, crawling over me with a cocky swagger.
And eye liner.
Suddenly, I felt very warm. I unzipped my jacket.
By then we had gotten to the front of the line where a Disney cast member in Lederhosen greeted us with a smile.
"Riding together?" the cast member asked.
There was the million dollar question. I glanced back at Edward feeling my cheeks warm, which was ridiculous. It's not as if I would be sitting on his lap. I'd just be sitting between his legs.
Crap.
Pressed against his chest.
Fuck.
He smiled at me. "Yes," he answered the cast member without looking back at him.
My heart soared while I quietly panicked.
He got in first, as instructed, and sat, pulling out both seat belts. I got in and perched on the edge of the seat while he buckled himself in. Then he held his arms out, one piece of the seat belt in each hand. I took a deep breath to try to still my pounding heart and then I slid backward against him.
Sweet, merciful Christ.
It was as if his body was made for me and me alone. My back lined up just right against his chest. My head automatically tucked just right against his shoulder. His scent enveloped me as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I barely heard the quiet snick of the seat belt being buckled. He tugged on the loose end and the belt tightened over me, but I felt more secure when he wrapped his arms around me again. I knew we were in a crowded, noisy theme park, but just then, it seemed like we were the only two people on earth. I had to force myself to hold on to the handlebars of the toboggan instead of winding my fingers through his.
Then the ride jerked to a start and we were climbing in the darkness. I tensed automatically.
"You alright?" he asked, his concerned voice right near my ear. I shivered with the sensation it sent through my body.
"Not a huge fan of the dark," I said apologetically.
He didn't have time to answer. As he tightened his arms around me we passed the first yeti and then we were really moving. Slightly self conscious, I tried not scream at first. Eventually though, the adrenaline of the ride got to me, especially as we dipped and I was thrown back against Edward's chest. I let out an exhilarated shriek at the combination of the thrill of the speed, the drops and the constant electricity of Edward's chest against my back; his arms around my waist.
At the bottom of the Matterhorn the ride ground, as it usually did, to a sudden stop and I was thrown back into Edward even harder than before. "Fuck!" he hissed under his breath.
Then I knew, without a doubt, that Edward was not pinky sized, adding to the list of features he did not have that might have broken the voodoo spell he had me under. He wasn't hard in a way that would make me feel dirty, but he was definitely hard enough to be defined, and if I could feel it against my back.
Jesus, it felt wrong to be as turned on as I was, considering the location. Happiest place on earth indeed.
The silence that came over us as we got off the ride and started walking toward Fantasy Land was not exactly awkward, but it was charged. We were both silent, walking close enough together that our fingers brushed occasionally.
"Bella," he said suddenly, rumpling his hair nervously. "About before…"
I blinked. It took me a minute to realize he was embarrassed about his reaction to me earlier. I smiled at him, a smile that was much more mischievous than I actually felt. I was still much more riled up than I wanted to be. "Don't worry about it. Friction. Heat. A suggestively named bobsled. It's just biology, Edward." I looked at him and winked.
He looked aghast for a moment before he started laughing. "I suppose I should have paid more attention in school."
After that, the tension in the air eased a bit. We rode the Big Thunder Railroad without incident and then happened to walk by Indiana Jones just as it reopened. That was fortuitous because Indiana Jones always had the longest wait in the park, no matter what time you got there. We didn't have to wait at all.
Apparently though, the wait wasn't long enough. The ride stalled twice in the most horrible of places. There's one part where you're in pitch black for a few moments and when the lights go on you're in a tunnel full of "bugs". Of course, the ride stalled while it was pitch black. With the revving noise of the jeep on repeat it was even spookier. I cringed against Edward's chest instinctively and he put his arm around me. His scent and his arms helped me fight the irrational panic.
The ride stalled again when we were under the infamous big rock. Edward was excited. He kept craning his neck to see how the thing worked. I would have found this utterly precious except that I was too busy being terrified. I blamed Emmett. Emmett's favorite game to play in Disneyland was "What would it be like to be here when an earthquake struck?" Let me tell you...under the rock that looked like it was just inches away from crushing us, combined with the trembling jeep and the feeling that we were deep underground (even though I knew we weren't) was not a good place to be thinking about earthquakes.
As soon as he noticed I was so tense he put his arm around me again and held me tightly against him. He looked like he was about to say something but at that moment the ride jerked, starting again.
I reflected that, at least this trip, it was Disney throwing me into Edward's arms instead of me ending up there by virtue of my clumsiness alone.
"Sorry about that," I said to Edward as we walked back out of the ride. "I'm not usually such a wuss."
"Don't worry about it," he returned easily. "Adrenaline. The suggestion of fear. General creepiness. And Indiana Jones nowhere in sight to save you? It's just psychology, Bella." He winked at me and I snickered.
"I took journalism as my elective, Edward."
It was getting late so we opted to do dinner then: Skewers at the Bengal Barbecue. Yum.
"This is going to sound rude," I prefaced as I picked the meat off my skewer. Edward raised an eyebrow and waited. "You're obviously really smart, Edward," I searched for a tactful way to ask this. "How did you end up doing what you're doing at work?"
He appeared to be very interested in his vegetable skewer, picking a gigantic zucchini off of the end. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. "Never mind. I didn't mean to pry," I said quickly.
He looked up at me and smiled. "I'm a little embarrassed, but not because you asked. I mean, I'm 22 years old and I'm a mail boy. It sounds...kind of pathetic when you say it out loud."
"There's nothing wrong with it," I assured him. "It's just that it doesn't seem to be all you're capable of."
He chuckled a little wryly. "The long and short of it is that I spent a good deal of my formative years dealing with ... a trauma. I don't know that I ever knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. Then I grew up and I turned 18. Getting a job seemed like the right thing to do. So I did it. I moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment with Alice, and I've just been...riding the employment market until I figure out what I want to do with my life."
I was more than a little curious about this trauma he spoke of but if he wasn't going to talk about it willingly, I'd be damned if I would ask him just what the fuck could erase your childhood at the happiest place on earth.
Anyway he didn't give me the chance. He cleared his throat and he turned the spotlight on me. "Anyway, what about you? You seem like you want to be more than just a content writer."
I was more than a little surprised that he had picked up on that given what little contact we'd had. "I want to write fiction. I'm working on a book but... well, my muse has deserted me, and I had bills to pay," I explained simply.
"Hmm," he seemed to be thinking carefully about something as he chewed. I tried not to be mesmerized about the way his lips wrapped around the mushroom he had worked to the top of the skewer. "Would you consider letting me read it?"
That snapped me back to reality. "What?"
"I'm curious as to how that mind of yours really works. If you'll permit me a glimpse, I'm pretty good at constructive criticism, I could give you feedback," he offered.
I was taken aback, both at the fact that he had spent any amount of time trying to figure me out and that he seemed genuinely eager to read my story.
"I'll think about it," I said, a little shy.
There was still time before the fireworks show, so we decided to do Space Mountain since our fast passes were up. As we walked we seemed to be gravitating closer and closer together without even realizing it. Our shoulders were touching much of the time. Oddly, I felt comfortable.
I loved Space Mountain but the ride always left me dizzy. As we exited the ride, Edward had to grab me around the waist to keep me from stumbling. He didn't remove his arm when I was steady again and I didn't shrug away. Again, it was oddly comfortable. I tried to hurry us past the pictures, but Edward steered us over to the line. I had to admit we looked good together. I felt a pang in my heart as I looked at us, side by side, leaning into each other, smiling and obviously happy.
Ah, pictures could be so deceiving. Edward took a picture of the picture using the camera on his cell phone.
As we got out, it occurred to me that Edward was brooding. "What's wrong?"
He shrugged, but I wasn't about to let him off that easily. It surprised me how much his frown bothered me. "Edward, come on, tell me what's wrong."
He sounded disgruntled. "It's just...not the same without Bob."
It took me a minute to realize that he was talking about the LED monster that had been added into Space Mountain for Halloween. I gaped at him. "Bob the crappy special effect of fire alien? Are you kidding me?"
"The soundtrack is different too," he mumbled.
I decided to ignore him, more than a little entertained at his ridiculous nitpicking. There was still a little time before we had to get going to catch the fireworks show. "Come on. Let's go to Tomorrowland Terrace. They have an excellent 80's cover band on Fridays."
He rolled his eyes, amused. "Nothing says land of the future like an 80's cover band."
"You are killing my buzz Edward," I smacked his shoulder playfully.
"Well, we can't have that. To Tomorrowland Terrace it is," he grinned at me.
We found a table where we could watch the dancers because that's what I wanted to do - watch. We sat with our heads close together narrating the scene or pointing out funny dance moves.
"Tell me that doesn't turn you on," Edward teased, surreptitiously pointing to a girl. I looked to see that this girl was wearing a shirt with skeleton hands. The hands were placed right over her breasts so it looked like they were cupping them. "I bet she has a thing for Jack Skellington too."
A short time later we made our way to the crowded Disney circle in front of the castle. We found a place with a decent enough view and soon enough the lights dimmed and the show started.
As it had been every year for the past 9 years, the show was... well, magical. Music played all the traditional carols of youth while the lights lit up the sky. I had to hand it to them; Disney knew a thing or two about putting on a show. The fireworks were perfectly synchronized with the music, from the playful "All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" when huge, colorful smiley faces popped into the sky, to the softer tones of "Silent Night" where gentle blue and white fireworks streamed down like stars and rain. It was designed to make sentimental biddy's like me get teary-eyed. It worked, like it always had.
The chorus sung about remembering the magic in our lives. Then it was snowing on Main Street. Disney was the master of emotional fuckery. Snow fell gently, the flakes dancing in the air while a soft, beautiful voice crooned "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas." Giggling kids jumped at their parent's sides, their little hands grasping at the flakes the filled the air. Edward, like most everyone else, was looking up; a huge, happy grin on his face. Flakes were catching in his wild hair, and on his eyebrows. It was an overwhelming feeling - like all the hundreds of people, adults and children alike were on the same page; caught up in the same emotion. Cheesy as the moment was, I felt like I was surrounded by too much beauty and my body could not contain the feeling. My heartfelt full to the point of aching, and my eyes were teary.
I felt Edward's fingers brush mine. I didn't hesitate. I threaded my fingers through his, squeezing his hand tightly. He looked down at me, his smile still blindingly big and his eyes full of an intensity that made my breath catch in my throat. His free hand rose, cupping my cheek gently. He whispered my name so softly it was no more than a breath. It was one of those moments that Lifetime Network movies are made of. One of those perfect moments that you never know exist until they happen to you. His head tilted and he leaned down.
And then I felt a weight slam into me from about the level of my waist, knocking me away from Edward and his full, tempting lips.
Disneyland became the not-so-magical place the Disney haters always talked about. Suddenly, the hundreds of people that had been so in sync only seconds before were suddenly moving in different directions all at once. There was pushing, shoving, and diabolical strollers that always seemed to be a hairsbreadth away from running into my ankles.
Edward wrapped his arm around my waist again and I leaned into him, not wanting to get separated. We joined the throng of people trying to get out of the park. The park was still open for another two hours, but a surreal atmosphere had settled over us both, and I know I felt like I wanted to be somewhere quieter. I needed to think instead of feel.
Feeling was dangerous.
I was surprised at how tired I was. We had, I supposed, been walking around for five hours straight. When we boarded the tram he put his arm over the backseat, giving me a look that beckoned me to lie against his chest or his shoulder again. I scooted close to him, but not against him, the real world beginning to leak through the private bubble we seemed to have retreated into. I saw the brief flicker of disappointment on Edward's face when I didn't curl against him. He opened his mouth, but right then the tram operator started talking again.
It was the same tram operator from the last time. It had to be. He started singing Christmas Carols, modified for our listening pleasure. "Oh Christmas tree: Oh Christmas tram, oh Christmas tram. How lovely are your benches. I didn't know I'd walk so far. I wish I was already at my car. Oh Christmas tram, oh Christmas tram, I'm so happy you have benches." Edward and I laughed together along with the rest of the weary tram passengers.
He sang at least five songs before we finally pulled up to the parking structure, each making us all chuckle and making our night just a little brighter. Ah, the magic of Disneyland. It allowed me a brief respite from my tumultuous thoughts.
We got off the tram and headed up the escalators, walking all the way to the car in relative silence. The mood was beginning to get heavy. I knew he wanted to say something, but, like me, he wasn't sure how. I turned away to go to my side of the car but then I felt his hand slip into mine, holding me and tugging me back to face him. He whispered my name and there was such a tender emotion in his voice that I couldn't look up at first. I was afraid that if I looked up I'd only be in deeper.
Then, I did look up and I was enveloped in him. The noise of the other people in the parking structure; of the traffic in the distance, all of it faded away. I saw nothing else but his emerald eyes. They captured me, and inundated my mind with images and potentialities I had been fighting since the moment I laid eyes on his chaotic hair.
And it wasn't just the erotic fantasies that my mind indulged in now. Suddenly I wanted it all. I wanted more moments like we'd had this afternoon. The way he'd captured my feelings about Christmas in the palms of his hands. His arms around me, holding me secure and protecting me against the dark, even when we both knew it wasn't going to hurt me. The giggling and the teasing that were so easy for us. I wanted it all and I wanted him. His beautiful mind. His bright spirit. His heart. I wanted to own him, not like property, but like a second skin, lining and mirroring my body and my soul.
His free hand raised and he ran the pads of his fingers down my cheek. I would swear that his fingers left trails of fire on my skin, though he was very gentle. He was barely touching me at all. "Tell me I'm not crazy," he murmured. "Tell me that you feel this."
Though it felt literally painful I forced myself to close my eyes, trying to sever this connection between us. "I feel it," I confirmed.
"But you're fighting it." I nodded. "Why?" he asked, his hand cupping my cheek.
How to explain this? The bottom line was that it made sense to me. It was a decision I had come to after literally years of philosophizing to myself and even I didn't really remember the logical path that had brought me to my choice. These feelings that were suddenly raging and churning inside of me were making it all the more complicated.
But there in was the crux of the matter.
Leaning my face into his hand, I started to speak without opening my eyes. "This isn't real, Edward. This thing between us doesn't actually exist. It's a combination of hormones and pheromones and tiny moments of compatibility. I think that we, I mean people, have gotten to a point where this," I gestured between us, "is mistaken for reality. We waste years of our lives pining, or fighting, all because we let these types of emotion blind us."
I took a deep breath, and bit my lip, watching him anxiously. He blinked several times. "That's... not what I was expecting," he said, still a little shocked.
I sighed and stepped away from him. "Get in," I said tiredly. "I'll try to explain better."
He got in and I started talking. I talked about my mother and father; how they got married too young, had me too young. My mother spent much of my youth trying to relive hers. My father spent most of my life nursing a broken heart.
I talked about Emmett's first girlfriend, Tanya. How she'd lead him down a path of drugs and alcohol. How he'd come this close to fucking up his life forever. He was one of the lucky ones and I knew it.
I talked about Rosalie and her first boyfriend and abusive relationships.
I talked about how everywhere I looked there seemed to be this need to be in love that overshadowed everything. There was this pressure to be in a relationship. To settle down. To commit. For what? I'd heard too many stories of lives being completely destroyed all in the wake of love. Men and women who spent years of their lives and their hard earned money on alimony and child support. Jilted lovers who commit suicide. People who stay in relationships even when their spouses or significant others keep making life decisions that drag them down.
I understood all the good stuff, really I did. But, like anything in life, I had a choice to make. I had made the choice long ago to never be ruled by my emotions, no matter how strong or intense they got. I made the choice to be alone because I believed that there was so much more to life than love. I believed, when it came down to it, that love was an overbearing attention whore, and I didn't want to put up with that shit, no matter how good it was.
I had never been so tempted before in all my life.
"What about a family. Don't you want a family?" Edward asked when I was done with my rant. His eyes were a little sad, but he wasn't calling me insane. Yet.
"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Right now? No, I've never had any...longing for kids or any of that. I mean, that's one of the other things. Everyone is always all about the commitment, but we all change. We grow. We evolve. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, for instance. What if someone had fallen in love with me four years ago...and committed to me. How is it fair that they would be stuck with this totally different person I became?" I shook my head. "I'm getting off subject again. Bottom line is...if I get to that bridge, I will cross it then."
He only hesitated a moment before asking his next question. "And sex?"
"When I find someone I connect with and who understands that it's ... for lack of a better term, recreational, I have sex. But only if it's alright. You know, if there are no ... heavy emotions attached." Now it was my turn to hesitate. After the mixed signals I had inadvertently started to throw, I owed him this admission, so I blurted it out. "I couldn't do that with you, for instance, because I would want more."
I didn't look at him and he didn't answer right away. "And you don't want to want more." It wasn't a question.
"Exactly." I looked out the window of the car feeling like a complete jerk.
Luckily, by that time, we had gotten to his apartment. My stomach was twisting into knots. I pulled the car up to his walkway and turned off the engine, closing my eyes. He didn't get out of the car immediately and I dared to let myself hope.
"So are we friends then?" I asked, my eyes still closed, waiting for the quick and final no that felt like it would destroy me. I knew I was addicted, and I knew this was exactly what I had been trying to avoid. I didn't want to need him, and logically I knew that I didn't need him, but that's not what it felt like.
"Friends," he mused. He said the word like he was trying some new food and he wasn't sure he liked the flavor. "We can try, I suppose," he said finally, his voice teasing but also slightly sad.
I let out the breath I had been holding. I opened my eyes and looked over at him. I was surprised by how sad I was. I felt the tiniest pangs of heartbreak as I looked at him. I knew there was longing in my eyes. I could see it reflected back in his. "Thank you, Edward," I finally said. It didn't feel like enough.
He smiled and he was still beautiful. "I'll see you on Monday," he said softly. He got out of the car and walked to his doorway without looking back.
I drove away, but as soon as I was out of eye shot of his apartment I had to pull over and cry.
A/N: And this is the part where everybody starts cursing my black heart. LOL
What are your Disney ears?
