Disclaimer: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
It was pink.
That was Mephiles' first thought upon reaching Amy Rose's house. The house was pink, the garage was pink, the lawn ornaments were pink, heck, she even had pink Astroturf! It made his eyes water just looking at it.
"Geez, this place is a freaking pink nightmare," Mephiles muttered.
"Wook!" Silver cried, as he and Blaze were both charmed by the disgusting pinkness. He pointed to a—surprise, pink—flamingo. "Is dat, Mephill?"
Not even pausing to blink, Mephiles walked to the door and stated, "It's a Tail Whopper."
"Ail Opper?" Blaze asked, wanting clarification.
"If you touch it, it whops off your tail."
Both children grabbed their tails and held them close, just in case that Tail Whopper decided to do a sneak attack.
Mephiles somehow conveyed the expression of smirking without a mouth and rang Amy's pink doorbell.
"Just a minute," Amy's sweet voice called from inside the house. There was a shuffling sound, and the door opened.
Mephiles straightened and muffled a gasp as he got an eyeful of Amy's interior. Her walls were pink, her carpets were pink, her furniture was pink, heck, she even had a mirror with pink tint on the glass.
"Can I help you?" Amy asked politely.
"Yes, miss, you can. My name is Mephiles the D—Hedgehog," Mephiles said, sounding very sincere. "You don't know me, but see, I'm actually a distant cousin of Shadow and Sonic."
"Cousin?" Amy asked. "Shadow and Sonic aren't related."
"And yet they bear the same last name," Mephiles said persuasively. "I ask you, could that be a mere coincidence?"
"But Shadow was artificially created fifty years ago, and Sonic was birthed naturally by a hedgehog named Aleena!" Amy argued.
"Have you ever met this 'Aleena' woman?" Mephiles asked with disgust.
"Um…"
"And does Shadow look like he was created fifty whole years ago?"
"Well, no, but…"
"You see, Miss Rose, Sonic and Shadow were actually born out in the Ozark Mountains, in a little valley nestled just right between two hills to ensure that they'd have to go to school uphill both ways in ten feet of snow when they were two and a half feet tall. It's a little known fact that this particular exercise is the reason they are such speedy runners," Mephiles continued, as if it was obvious.
"If what you are saying is true, then why haven't they told me about it?" Amy asked, though she sounded unsure of herself.
"I ask you, would you rather tell people that you were genetically engineered in a lab by a woman named Aleena, or that you were born to Mr. and Mrs. Bubba Hedgehog in the Ozarks?"
"Oh…" Amy looked like she was buying it. "What was Sonic's mom's real name?"
"I told you. Her name was Bubba."
"What was his dad's name?"
"Bubba."
"They're both Bubba?"
"Miss Rose, Bubba is a very popular name in the Ozarks."
"Oookay…why are you here again, Mr. Mephiles?" Amy asked.
"Well, you see, my sister is sick in the hospital and my mother is at her funeral and my father got hit in the face with an ice pick and needs bed rest and my sister's husband had a football game he wanted to attend, and while he was there the roof caved in and gave him a brain cramp, so you see, I was the only one available to watch my niece and nephew, Silver and Blaze."
Silver waved at Amy. "Hi!" he chirped perkily.
"Mephee say you housey is a fwe—"
Mephiles quickly covered Blaze's mouth. "She's adorable. Has such a vast imagination."
Blaze started to lick Mephiles' hand and he withdrew it, rubbing it quickly on Silver's quills.
"They are adorable," Amy agreed. "But I don't see what this has to do with me."
Mephiles made his voice as sad as he possibly could. "You see, Miss Rose, the company I was with recently folded because of a fraud and now we're all in trouble save the company president, who I hear is currently retired in Tahiti. My cousin Sonic agreed to help me find a job here, but in the meantime, I need someone trustworthy to help me watch the children, and Sonic recommended you."
Amy's eyes widened. "My Sonikku told you about me?"
Mephiles nodded, looking thoughtful. "Oh, how did he describe you again? Ah, I remember. He said 'Amy is a beautiful Angel sent from heaven, the very essence of grace and beauty. I could not function if not for my wonderful pink rose.'"
Amy squealed, and Mephiles could practically see hearts appear in her eyes. "I knew he felt that way about me!" She said. "Of course I'll watch them for you! Oh, and I know a place that is looking for an employee, too! I can get you a job."
Mephiles' eyes widened; that certainly hadn't been in the plan. "Uh, no, that really isn't necessary…"
"Oh, nonsense. Any distant cousin of Sonic's is a distant cousin of mine," Amy said, waving him off. "Or, you will be in a couple of years when we tie the knot, anyway. The manager of the restaurant and I are old friends, and he owes me a big favor. I can practically guarantee the job's yours."
"Really, I don't want to impose…"
"It's no trouble at all! Let's go right now!"
With that, Amy grabbed the still protesting Mephiles by the hand and dragged him off to get him a job, with Silver and Blaze following behind, still on the lookout for Tail Whoppers.
"Welcome to McDoodles, can I help you?"
Amy giggled. "It's me, Nathan," she said.
"Ah, Miss Rose! Welcome back!" Nathan was a Siamese Cat with a big smile and a white, crescent-shaped birthmark above his right eye. "What brings you here?"
"My new friend Mephiles wants to see about the job opening," Amy explained, motioning Mephiles to come over. Mephiles was still spouting off excuses as to why he couldn't come to a job interview.
Nathan hmm-ed and inspected Mephiles. "Well, I believe in hands-on experience," he said, putting a stupid looking hat on Mephiles' head. "Take the cash register boy, lets see what you can do."
Feeling foolish, Mephiles had no choice but to stand behind the register and take orders. An elderly couple walked in and Mephiles asked gloomily, "What do you want?"
"Lessee, here," The man said, squinting at the menu. "I'll have a baloney sandwich."
"Yeah, well, we don't always get what we want," Mephiles said. "There's no baloney here. Get something else."
"Alright, sonny," the man said agreeably. "Give me a baloney sandwich."
Mephiles gripped the cash register so hard it make a cracking noise. "There is no baloney here! Get something else already!"
"Well…" The man considered his options for a moment, then said, "I want a baloney sandwich."
Mephiles punched him in the face, then launched himself over the counter so he could be better situated to strangle the senile old man. He was vaguely aware of the man's wife beating him over the head with her purse. Silver and Blaze, the little traitors, were off to the side laughing at the whole thing like it was the funniest thing they'd ever witness.
Nathan quickly pulled Mephiles off of the old man, and held him until the Dark could control himself somewhat.
"So, maybe you're not a good people person," Nathan said encouragingly, offering him a spatula. "Perhaps you could cook."
Mephiles disappeared into the kitchen, which had a little window so he and the customers could see each other.
Nathan took the cash register, and a group of teens came in. "What'll it be, folks?" Nathan asked them eagerly.
As the teens looked over the menu, Mephiles snickered and started waving his spatula around in an odd manner. When he was reasonably sure all the teens were looking at him, he started singing, "There's a fly in the buttermilk, shoo fly shoo…" then he slammed the spatula down on the grill with all his might.
"Ha! Gotcha, you little bugger!" he said triumphantly, then he resumed grilling, taking the cooked hamburger off the grill and placing it between two buns. "ORDER UP!" he yelled. "Hey, Nathan, did I hide the legs well enough this time?"
Those teens couldn't get out of the restaurant fast enough. And Nathan, for some strange reason, determined that he couldn't use Mephiles' service. Oh, well.
Outside the restaurant, Amy sighed and said encouragingly, "I'm sure we'll find something, Mephiles. In the meantime, why don't you and the kids come back to my house for lunch?"
Blaze giggled. "Mephie say you housey is a fwe..."
"Could you excuse us for a second, Amy?" Mephiles interrupted, pulling Blaze off to the side, where Amy couldn't hear them. "Blaze," he said seriously, "if you tell Amy what I said, the rabid monkey weevils will get in your bed while you sleep and chew your guts out. You wouldn't want that now, would you?"
Blaze shook her head no, and the foursome continued their walk in silence.
StarVix note: My mother used to work in a fast food restaurant, and she said that once an elderly man came in and kept ordering a baloney sandwich no matter how many times she told him they didn't have any. No one punched him in the face, though. Another time, my mom and I were going out to eat, and the cook really was singing, 'there's a fly in the buttermilk' while he was cooking. We left the restaurant. Mother's day was yesterday, but I still dedicate this chappy to my Mom, the best Mom in the whole wide world. RR please.
