"Good Merlin! Is that man ever on time?" Minerva McGonagall heaved an impatient sigh and buried her face in her hands.
"Here we go again," Severus Snape said under his breath.
"Oh, shove it, Severus!" Minerva barked, clearly irritated.
"Touchy aren't we? Xiomara, keep a leash on your woman!" Severus laughed to himself. Minerva scowled.
"I would, you know, but it's so much more fun to watch her verbally attack you," Xiomara Hooch joked.
Minerva swatted Xiomara's arm. "Don't encourage him!"
"You're always so impatient at these meetings. Do you plan your activities for after the conclusion of these meetings or are they just planned at inconvenient times?" Severus asked.
"For your information, Xiomara's and my activities have nothing to do with my being impatient. I'm impatient because… Well, I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy."
"The little lesbian-in-training had a date?" Severus asked, turning to Xiomara.
"Will you stop calling her that? Do I refer to Malfoy in such a demeaning manner? Do I call him 'The Horny Little Ferret Fag'? Please just leave Hermione out of this!"
"This is what I was referring to when I warned about your competition," Severus said, still speaking to Xiomara.
"Stop with your infernal talk of her having competition!" Minerva exclaimed, throwing her teacup at Severus and missing badly.
"Why can't you two just get along?" Filius Flitwick squeaked, just barley dodging the thrown teacup. "Every time we have a meeting, it seems you two must take up your incessant competitions and one-upping one another. You're both professors now! Let the silly, childish Slytherin/Gryffindor feud be over."
"Maybe you wouldn't mind so much if you would get laid once and a while," Severus shot back. "Though, I suppose they don't allow 'backdoor visits' at Mungo's."
"Uncalled for," Minerva tutted.
"Below the belt, Sevvie," Xiomara said in a mocking tone.
"I can fight my own battles, ladies, thank you," Filius yelped gratefully. "Severus, when was the last time you and Lucius got together? Or have you decided that young Malfoy makes a better bottom?"
Xiomara's eyes widened. "How scandalous!"
"Please, Severus, please tell me this is just his attempt to get under your skin," Minerva pleaded as she clutched her heart, clearly mortified. "Please tell me you are not involved with that… that… That child!"
"Oh, get off your bloody pedestal!" Severus said. "Of course I'm not involved with Lucius' boy. But even if I were, are you really one to point fingers? Like your interest in the little lesbian-in-training is altogether proper?"
"Severus! You take that back right now! That girl is nearly sixty years my junior! I would never entertain lurid thoughts about a student or any other person so young!" Minerva exclaimed. "How can you think I would think in such a way? You know I think of all the students as my children, especially my Gryffindors!"
"Sorry, Min. I was kidding. I didn't expect to rile you so," Severus apologized, shocked. "I was just trying to get under your skin."
"Honestly, Severus, I'd have thought you to say something in better taste than that!"
"Minnie, I'm sure he was only saying it in jest. You heard him, he did apologize sincerely," Xiomara said, trying to calm her girlfriend down.
"That doesn't excuse it," Minerva said firmly.
The silence lingered.
"If it makes you feel any better, Min, you can call Malfoy the little Ferret Fag," Severus joked.
Minerva snorted her laughter.
"So, what is going on with Malfoy?" Xiomara asked, the conversation obviously turning to happier thoughts.
"In all honesty, I think he's just really horny," Severus answered. "I'd ask what's really going on with Granger but Min's been sworn to secrecy."
Xiomara laughed.
"Had any visions lately, Trelawney? Maybe you can tell us what Granger's up to. Unless the little lesbian-in-training is proving too elusive. Or maybe you, too, have been sworn to secrecy?" Severus asked, patronizing her.
"I see… I see… I see…" Sybill Trelawney began.
"Your own reflection," Filius finished.
"Maybe you can tell us when Albus will arrive," Hooch said. "Doesn't that man own a watch?"
"Several," McGonagall answered, nodding.
"Stop interrupting me!" Trelawney screeched. "I see…"
The other four shook their heads.
"My inner eye is clouded. So much negative energy."
"I see… An impatient lesbian debating whether or not to attend a staff meeting," Severus said, mocking Sybill and Minerva both.
"There's more to me than just being a lesbian, Severus," Minerva informed him.
"That's right. There's more to her than just being a lesbian," Xiomara said. "I mean, you should see her tie a cherry stem into a knot with only her tongue." Minerva blushed, knowing what Xiomara was hinting at.
"Oh?" Severus said in an appraising manner, looking at Minerva. He turned back to Xiomara, "Mazel tov!"
"Can you really do that?" Sybill asked almost hungrily, dropping her usual façade.
Minerva's eyes widened as a blush crept onto her cheeks.
"Yes, she's quite talented in that respect," Xiomara answered with a wide smile.
"Xiomara, stop it. They don't need to know that," Minerva hushed her.
"I mean, why even beat around the bush," Xiomara continued, ignoring Minerva. "What exactly are you asking? If you can borrow her for a night?"
"Xiomara!" Minerva scolded, still blushing.
"Yes!" Sybill answered.
An uncomfortable silence took the place of the playful air that had been there.
"Where the bloody hell is Albus? What's taking so long?" Minerva asked, breaking the silence. She conjured a new teacup and sipped it impatiently.
"What the hell do you mean, 'yes'?" Xiomara asked, angrily. "I was kidding to embarrass Minerva."
"How was I supposed to know? You asked. Besides," Sybill added, picking up her act, "I have forseen great pleasures for myself and Minerva."
Minerva spit her tea out across the table, Severus was none too happy.
"Get a damn toy!" Xiomara thundered," But leave Minnie out of your fantasies!"
"Minerva, in the future, could you maybe warn me before spitting hot tea on my face?" Severus asked, wiping his face.
"I'm awfully sorry, Severus, but I didn't exactly see that coming!"
"You must not have 'the gift'!" he joked.
"I'm going ter go now, if that's alrigh'. Jus' let Dumbledore know," Hagrid mumbled, standing.
"Really, Hagrid, do the lesbians really get to you that much?" Severus asked. "I mean, this is the second staff meeting in a row that you've had to back away from! Please learn to control your 'dragon.' It's a wonder we get anything done here at all with all the talk of toys and whatnot!"
Hadgid continued backing away, thoroughly embarrassed and insulted.
"Hagrid, it's okay," Minerva soothed, standing and walking over to him to pat him on the shoulder. "It doesn't make you any less a man. Severus is just jealous because your 'dragon' is so much bigger than his itty, bitty 'stirring spoon'. And you can get it up."
Minerva bit back her laughter and returned to her seat.
"Hello, staff! I trust you have all kept yourselves entertained!" Albus said, beaming as he entered the staff room.
The sight he saw was truly one to behold: Hagrid was backed against the wall, blushing. Severus was also blushing, but he was sitting. Minerva was sitting with her legs on thetable and leasning back in her chair, looking very pleased with herself. Meanwhile, Xiomara was half-standing and was glaring menacingly toward Sybill. Sybill was sitting in her chair, also looking ruffled.
"It's about bloody time," Filius mumbled.
