Title: House Rules

Summary: "There are certain things you must know in order to survive as a foreigner in this great country, Wombat..." It was Chase's interview with House and he felt the need to go over the rules of survival in a new country with the innocent duckling...one day at a time.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warnings: Uhh...odd humor, swearing, yaoi, graphic smut, groping, field trips, drinking, etc.


Rule Three: Stranger Danger

House cackled loudly as he watched his friend turn a bright shade of red, shoot as withering of glare as he could manage in his direction, and then try to dislodge the bite of horrendous cheese, lettuce, and tomato sandwich that was caught in the blonde's Intensivist's throat. Disapproving stares were sent in his direction when Chase managed to cough up the soggy mess of bright colors onto his tray, his face almost as red as the Oncologist that was standing behind him. "It's all right," Wilson called out to the doctors that had risen from their seats in case assistance was needed in aiding the choking blonde. "He'll be just fine." Turning to face the smirking Diagnostician, the Jewish doctor glared at him while he bit out, "That was *highly* uncalled for!"

"Like it's my fault the little Wombat forgot how to properly eat?" House teased before grinning at the disgruntled and embarrassed Intensivist. "Don't feel so bad, I'm sure many kids your age forget to chew their food thoroughly before attempting to swallow."

"It wasn't my fault!" Chase defended weakly.

"Can't you be nice to your...what do you call them again? Lemmings?" Wilson asked as he tried to help the newest doctor protect himself from his new boss's tactics.

"Ducklings, but I like where you're going with that, Jimmy," the Diagnostician replied as a wide grin unfurled on his face.

"Ducklings, that's it. Be nice to your baby ducks or they'll attempt to fly away far too soon."

"And do what? They're fuzzy ducks!"

"And...do...duck things! I don't know," the Oncologists bemoaned as he rubbed his temples. "I'm not familiar with the activities that ducks complete besides the standard bread-eating." House grinned widely at his friend before frowning when he saw a nurse walk over and place a hand on Chase's shoulder, handing him a bottle of water as she murmured something into the young blonde's ear. Narrowing his eyes, the Diagnostician held up his cane before smacking it loudly against the top of the table, making the nearby doctors jump before looking at him in a mixture of confusion and annoyance. The floozy of a nurse was more on the annoyed side while his newest little duckling looked far more confused and his Jewish friend looked like a combination of both.

"Rule number three, Wombat," the elder doctor said as he waved his cane in the direction of the nurse, "is called "Stranger Danger.""

"Stranger Danger?" Wilson repeated slowly as one of his eyebrows quirked up, the annoyance on his face completely replaced with mirth. "Now, I know you call them your baby ducks, but do you really have to treat your employees like they're five?"

"I'll leave the potty-training to you, Jimmy," House quipped before turning his attention back to his newest Intensivist while Wilson smiled in delight at having gotten his best friends attention away from his own personal life. If there was one thing that he was grateful for, it was the fact that Gregory House often had the attention of child at an amusement park. "Didn't your parents ever warn you about the dangers of talking to strangers, duckling? After all, we wouldn't want you to get duck-napped and wake up swimming with the fishes. Besides, that's one of Jimmy's hand-me-downs. I wouldn't get to close if I were you." A look of irate disgust was aimed at the doctor before the nurse stormed away while Wilson sighed in exasperation.

"You make it sound like she's an old pair of jeans that I grew out of," the Oncologist bemoaned as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, sulking slightly while House grinned lavishly at him.

"Besides, there's no telling what she's carrying." Wilson glared at House as he turned his previous thought from a child to a Lazy Susan. It always came back to him, the question was just how long it would take to get back to his original topic.

"Water?" Chase offered as he held up the bottle before twisting off the cap and lifting the brim to his lips, tipping the bottle so some of the water would spill into him mouth. Grinning, the brunette doctor lifted his came to knock against the upturned bottle of water, causing it to spill over the blonde duckling as he continued to grin in delight.

"More like venereal disease," the brunette quipped.

"Greg!" Wilson snapped, part of it was from his treatment of his newest employee, the other from pure embarrassment. While he knew his friend, though sometimes he questioned why he was still friends with such a childish attention-whore, was just teasing him, the now-drenched Australian sitting with them might not and could come to believe that he actually was a slut that had contracted or, heaven forbid, given the nurse a sexually transmitted disease! Turning his attention to the younger doctor in question, the Oncologist flashed his charming smile at the seemingly innocent man. "Don't believe him. While I cannot speak for someone else, I assure you that I am neither a slut, and that I do not have any kind of sexual diseases."

"Jeez, Jimmy," House grinned, "trying to pick up my Wombat right in front of me? That's just cold."

Blushing darkly, the Jewish doctor could not stop his stammer as he stumbled over his words, "Wh-what? No. No, I'm not- No. N-not that you're not attractive, Chase. For a man. I mean, I'm sure *women*, not me-"

"It's so odd to see all of his blood rush to his *face* for once," the cantankerous doctor mused with fiendish glee, getting another glare from the Oncologist.

"As opposed to...?" Chase questioned without even thinking through House's earlier statement, futilely wringing the water out of his clothes, leaving the dress shirt damp and wrinkled.

"...You don't dye your hair do you?" House teased mercilessly, easily switching between his two targets.

"Why would I dye my hair?" the bewildered Intensivist questioned at the sudden change of topic while he turned his gaze away from the damp shirt to look at his future boss.

"Can you believe he's actually licensed to practice medicine?" the Diagnostician laughed as he looked at his still flustered friend. Turning his attention away from his friend, the Diagnostician quickly turn in the light pink hue of the blonde's ears when he figured out exactly what he had said to get such a response.

"I didn't mean it like that," Chase offered as an excuse.

"He's teasing you," Wilson countered when House opened his mouth, making the other brunette pout playfully when his chance to mock the blonde even more was snapped out of reach. "Generally, unless it has to do with a medial case, you should ignore just about everything that comes out of his mouth."

"Just about?" Chase and House asked at the same time, the Australian's voice laced with confusion while the Diagnostician's entire demeanor radiated with curiosity and amusement.

"Do share, Jimmy," the brunette doctor smirked as he folded his hands underneath his chin and leaned forward, "what should the little wallaby actually listen to and what should be thrown aside like your sloppy seconds?"

"First off," the Oncologists bit out as he moved to rest his hands on his hips, stopping the movement partway when his friend's smirk grew even wider and settling on crossing them in front of his chest. "Things like that; I'm not a slut, I'm really not."

"Who here has slept with practically the entire nursi-" House began to call out far louder than necessary, cutting off with a pained grunt when he felt the heel of what he presumed to be a dress shoe stomp down on his own sneaker-clad foot. Blue-green eyes blinked slowly as the blonde owner of them looked between the two brunettes, reaching down and picking up his sandwich before taking a smaller bite, chewing carefully as he watched the friends interact.

"I'll have you know that I haven't slept with them all!" Wilson hissed while looking positively murderous.

"You've slept with more than half of them!" House countered, smirking at the small quirk of Chase's eyebrow. His newest duckling was obviously rapt in their little domestic dispute. "That makes it practically all!"

"It does not!" the Oncologist countered, having even decency to at least look a bit chastised. Turning his attention back to Chase, the brunette looked at his with eyes that pleaded for forgiveness. "I swear, I'm not a slut."

Shaking his head, the blonde swallowed his mouthful of his sandwich before muttering, "Not my place."

"Well, you sure wouldn't have sex at Jimmy's place," House cut in, making the other brunette's face burn while the blonde shrugged.

"We wouldn't have sex at my place," Chase countered, making the Diagnostician smirk as Wilson covered his face with his hands.

Muttering to himself, the Oncologist lowered his head in his hands to the tabletop, "This isn't happening. This isn't happening... This can't be happening."

"Oh, it's happening, Wilson," House replied before leaning over and resting his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You just got competition in the man-whore department. It's going to be a whore-off."

"...A whore-off?" Both Chase and Wilson asked as they turned their attention solely to the surly Diagnostician that was grinning maniacally in amusement.

"Yes, a whore-off. And not to play favorites or anything, but you're so going to lose, Jimmy."

"Wait, *I'm* going to lose?" Wilson asked as he sat up straight and looked at his friend with challenging eyes.

"...I'm confused. Exactly *how* is my winning playing favorites?" Chase added before taking another bite of his lunch.

"I'm with Chase on this," Wilson added. "If this was a challenge to see who could date more women, I would easily win this."

"...Well, I wouldn't go *that* far," the blonde interjected.

"Please, Jimmy," House admonished as he grinned. "Look at the boy-"

"I'm a man, thank you!" he cut in, quickly being ignored by both of the brunettes.

"Blonde, young, blue-eyed, and British-"

"I'm from Australia. ...We've had this conversation already."

"He would wipe the floor with you, Wilson."

"He would not!" Wilson countered. "Women flirt with me all the time!"

"Come on, name one woman whose panties wouldn't hit the floor so hard it would create a crater in the ground just from spending ten minutes with the Wombat wonder from Down Under!"

"...That's...mildly offensive..." Chase added, rolling his eyes when the two men continued with their debate.

"Easy! Cuddy, for one. Then there's Nurse Brenda-"

"Hey, Battleaxe Brenda would turn into a giggling schoolgirl if they went out! Even *you* don't stand a chance of turning her nice!" the brusque brunette challenged.

"Oh, I so could!" Wilson accepted, taking the bait and making the cantankerous doctor smirk.

"You're on, Jimmy!" House said as he held out his hand, his smirk growing when it was eagerly shook in recognition of the challenge. "The first one of you to not only get a date with the Battleaxe, but make her a docile, de-clawed kitten wins!"

"...I'm sorry, what?" Chase asked as he swallowed his half-chewed mouthful, his words slightly slurred as he looked between the two. "What's going on?"

"And what does the winner get?" Wilson asked before taking a bite of his forgotten lunch, chewing contemplatively.

"Our half is simple," House replied as he quickly polished off his portion of Chase's lunch before tucking into part of Wilson's lunch. "You win, and the Wombat here, will come to work in a feminine outfit of your choosing."

"What?" Chase choked. "You can't make that kind of decision for me. I completely disagree!"

"Oh please. Any girly clothes that he picks out would be an improvement to what you're wearing, Wombat."

"...What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Chase asked as he looked down at his damp clothing, momentarily forgetting the conversation they had diverted from.

"Homeless people wouldn't wear that color combo. Honestly, did you have Ray Charles without that color palette? That shirt is hideous; seriously, never wear it again. And it definitely does not go with that tie. ...Or those pants."

"...He does have a point," Wilson said as he nodded.

"Anyway, you would have to do the same thing if you lose, Jimmy. Agree?"

"Agree."

"And for your sake," House said as Chase frowned and looked down at his clothes. "You might want to start praying to your Jewish God about winning. After all, imagine that," House paused to wave towards Chase, "on you. Only in a dress-form."

"Oh, God..."

"That's a start! Now, Wombat, that brings me to rule number four..."

Review for more.

Thanks for reviewing:

Pinku Aisu Kuriimu: It's hard not to love him and all his slutting around, though. Here's more for you!

verlan: I shall; thank you for the encouragement!

assioma: Aw, why, thank you! I'm getting back onto my old writing schedule (minimum of one update per week) so, hopefully, I won't keep y'all waiting too long.

manwithasqueegee: Why, thank you. It's a "fuck it all" approach to writing. Oh, man, I have *horrible* and ridiculous grammar. But I have read some that I can't get past the first few sentences because it's either way out of character (like completely different people) or just plain is difficult to read.

kilala-hunters: Indeed! And here's another update! (I'm slow.) I do believe (correct me if I'm wrong, I stopped watching House around the dreaded Chase/Cameron arc; but I try to keep up to date on important Chase moments) that Chase was there for six months before Cameron and Foreman joined the shindig, right? (I have some rules for those encounters...)

ladykale1985: Aww, thanks. Here's more for you.

twighlightluvr001: Aww, thanks!

The Petulant Prodigy: It's what makes them such a dynamic duo! ...You sold me with the sparkly Wombat sprinkles on top. Here's more for you!

zaffiro: No, no, no. I'm just...I'm really blonde (and old - unless it's the layouts and inner workings of a video game, I forget things...like my account password) so I tend to forget things.