III
"I hope this isn't costing too much. I can't help pay for it at the moment," Jerry said glumly.
"It's okay, Jerry. Well worth the money. I'm just sorry we didn't go to i3 right away," Doofus Rick responded, looking over his shoulder while he touch-typed. "Several dimensions have spaying and neutering techniques down. Every dimension that's domesticated the parasites as pets did that, so getting a sterilized one is no problem."
"They haven't been domesticated anywhere in our dimension?" Jerry asked.
"No, and there's a universal ban on them. Some dimensions exterminate them, while others domesticate and control them."
"Why doesn't every dimension domesticate them? Killing them off seems cruel."
"A lot of species have been eliminated because dimensions didn't destroy the parasites, Jerry. These decisions aren't made lightly. Inter-dimensional wars have begun and been narrowly averted because of irresponsible exotic pet owners who bring them into banned dimensions where no countermeasures have been in place. Same thing happens here on Earth when bored teenagers spending their parents' money release snakes into parks. When they don't want them anymore, they don't have the stomach to kill them, and animal shelters aren't funded to take them in, they have no predators and they start destroying native species."
"So if we get a sterilized parasite, we don't have to worry about them breeding out of control. That's good. What about deciding what character they become?"
"That was tougher, Jerry. Most dimensions that use them for pets sell them as a pig in a poke. You get what you get and since they only place good memories in your head, you're sure to love whatever they become. Customizing the characters hasn't been developed many places and where it has, it's too expensive. I'm trying to find a dimension that has steep discounts on Black Wednesday as well as a dimension that celebrated Thanksgiving Tuesday yesterday, our i3 connection didn't connect to enough dimensions to fit that role.
"Thanksgiving? On Tuesday? This time of year?"
"Thanksgiving was held in the fall in most dimensions, Jerry, but which day is almost as random as Chanukah."
"Oh. So what are we doing now.?"
"I bought bandwidth on a connection to a central hub. I'm now connected to nearly every dimension that has i3 and I'm getting hits now."
Jerry's eyes widened. How expensive is that?"
"I'm hoping I can find what we need in five minutes so I won't have to miss a saucer payment."
"Rick! I can't let you do this! It's too much! It was just a thought is all! I'll find someone new, but it doesn't have to be Sleepy Gary!"
"Jerry, I can't see you any more than I already do and knowing you're alone because of me? I can't sleep at night."
"But it wasn't you!" Jerry pleaded.
"We both know that's not true, Jerry, and believe me, yours isn't the only mess I've had to clean up. I'm a malevolent interdimensional force that deserves extermination more than these poor parasites."
"Not you, though! You're the only nice Rick. I've seen plenty of them! You can't say you're one of them. You're not part of the problem."
"It's nice of you to say, Jerry, but the same thoughtlessness that spreads nihilism to every corner of the multiverse is part of me. Maybe if I didn't keep that in mind, I'd be just like them. We need time, Jerry. Time for all the narcissist Ricks to wipe each other out. The nihilism is pervasive. Their thoughtlessness doesn't even extend compassion to themselves. All we have to do is stay out of their way long enough for the last Ricks to understand the meaningfulness of it all."
"Did you say 'meaningfulness'?"
Doofus Rick examined his friend's face for a moment to understand the inquiry. "Meaningfulness, Jerry. The realization that life can be rich, rewarding, and happy. That bringing joy to others is the meaning of the universe and that subjective meaning is enough justification for existence. Denying that logically brings you to most Ricks' behavior. If nothing matters, you can do what you want. Cruelty and indifference to apocalypse is just another way to pass the time. We can decide instead that people matter; that suffering has a cost we shouldn't be willing to pay. Not many Ricks believe that. Fewer and fewer remain every day to see things that way. I've heard it calculated that a Rick Sanchez dies every femtosecond. The multiverse isn't infinite and the supply of sentient Ricks will be exhausted in, at most, 25 years."
"wait, there are more Ricks like you?" Jerry asked.
"Not like me, Jerry. God help anyone like me," Doofus Rick shook his head even as his fingers mashed keys. "But there are hundreds of Ricks who have looked on their empty lives and been appropriately horrified. And I helped take care of them."
"You- How did you take care of them?"
"It's not important, Jerry. The important thing you might want to know is that your Rick shows all the signs of being one of the ones that can be saved- Ok, I've saved the list of dimensions that might help. Let's pull the plug and go shopping."
