A/N Thanks for all the reviews it's getting close to the end of this story, I'm actually very nervous about posting now. Thanks again to beetlebum101 and if you haven't checked out her fic 'Self Help' I suggest you do you wont be disappointed:]

As I stood outside the hospital watching the automatic doors open and close, people seemed to scurry around me, nudging my shoulder and whispering apologies as they continued on about their day. I blocked out everything, trying to find that inner voice that would tell me what to do. When I closed my eyes, though, I swear all I could hear was Alice calling my name. I stuck my hand in my pocket, feeling for the small box of matches I kept there. The familiarity was comforting, if only for a moment. Carlisle was waiting on me but I don't think he was the type to mind if I was late; he was such a good person. It just seemed natural to say good person; nothing else seemed to equal that statement.

I let out a heavy breath, taking a step forward through the doors. The familiar smell of something antibacterial filled my senses and it flooded my mind with memories. I had to tell my body to stop; to remind myself that it wasn't like old times. I kept my head down until I met Carlisle at the reception and then looked up to meet his gaze. He said nothing as I followed him, blindly. I thought I was going to his office until we reached a hallway I had walked down too many times to count. We passed the nurses' station and no one gave us a second look as we passed. I read the plastic door plaques as Carlisle entered number two hundred and four. I paused and he held the door open before I walked in.

Alice lay in the bed, exactly like the last time I was here. There was a clear tube attached to her mouth and the steady beeping of the monitors filled the room. She looked paler than before, if that was even possible, and it scared me.

"Have you made a decision?"

I paused. I had, but now I wasn't sure. I never took my eyes off Alice as I spoke. "Will you treat her like Emmett and Rose and Edward? She's always wanted a family; even though she said she didn't need one, I know she wanted one more than anything." I looked up at Carlisle, his golden eyes filled with sincerity as he replied.

"Of course."

It made me feel better to hear Carlisle say this, like a great weight had been lifted. I stayed to the back of the room, frozen to the floor, but my fingers twitched to touch her skin.

"Yes," I breathed. "Change her." I waited for Carlisle to move, to do whatever was needed, but he stood still. "What happens now?"

"Well, I'll turn off her life support and pronounce her dead. After that I'll have her taken to the morgue, placed in a body bag and have Emmett come pick her up. Don't worry, Bella, I have done this before."

I knew Carlisle was trying to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I was losing the only person I ever loved. The only upside was knowing she'd be taken care of. I wondered though, "Carlisle, do you have to be dying to become one of you?"

I looked at him and he mirrored my confused expression, pausing slightly before he answered. "No, but…" He stopped, and I was grateful because I already understood.

Carlisle moved towards the bed and I didn't know what he was going to do.

"Wait… Can I have a minute, you know, to say goodbye?"

Carlisle nodded and left us alone in the room, as I slowly made my way forward. I was afraid to touch her in case I did something to hurt her, but my hand seemed to move on its own, itching its way forward. Her skin was still soft and warm as I lightly picked up her fingers. What should I say? Can she hear me?

"Alice, you're my best friend. I don't think I told you that enough. I didn't know what it was like to have a best friend before you came along. I don't think the world really prepared me for you; liking you... loving you." I glimpsed quickly to see if she may have moved or opened her eyes, but she did nothing. "You don't know how many times I tried to tell you… I was so scared of how I felt, but when I looked at you, I couldn't remember why I was so scared." I closed my eyes, trying to memorize the feeling of her hand in mine.

Love, love, love… what is love? It's just a word. Four letters: two vowels and two consonants that mean nothing. It was the feeling behind that simple word – the complex, frightening feeling – that I was going to miss. "I miss you so much sometimes I can barely stand it. I don't know what's going to happen but you need to remember, whatever happens, that you are good and you have a soul. I know it; I've felt it. Sometimes, when you're not there, I swear I can feel you. Sometimes, when I go to sleep at night, I close my eyes and I think of you there beside me and I feel just a little bit less alone."

I picked up her hand, placing a kiss on the stretched pale skin of her knuckle. I cupped the top of her hand with my free hand. If this is the last time I get to touch you, feel you, I'm going to remember it forever. I touched her hand to my head, hoping to transfer some of my thoughts. Goodbye, my brain seemed to speak, but my heart refused to utter the words.

There was a light knock at the door and I gently placed Alice's hand back on the bed. Carlisle shot me an apologetic smile as I wiped my eyes, sniffing away the tears.

"Are you ready?" He asked, walking into the room as I nodded quickly.

I moved to the back of the room as Carlisle moved forward. "I think it's best if you're not here for this. Don't worry, I'll take good care of her."

My feet shuffled backwards slowly, finally carrying me from the room completely. I didn't look back as I made my way quickly to the exit. I felt like I was suffocating, drowning… I felt like I was the one dying.

Xxx

The rain had slowly started to fall and I threw another match onto the wet concrete. I was protected from the rain but the wind had picked up. I liked the feeling of the cold against my skin. It felt like the first real thing I had felt in three days. I wanted to change out of these funeral clothes but I couldn't find the will to get up. I lit another match, watching the flame dance.

The funeral had gone pretty well. I was surprised to see Esme and Carlisle but it was a nice surprise to have them there. I was afraid it was only going to be me and Charlie but there were a few from the town and the hospital, and Angela was there with her father, the Reverend. It felt odd to have a funeral knowing that Alice's body wasn't actually going to be there. They put an empty coffin into a flower-covered grave and some words were said. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking, she's not there. I felt sick. Not physically; but it was odd – I felt empty and heavy all at the same time. My heart felt heavy, like it was filled with water.

"Bella, come inside. It's getting cold," Charlie's voice sounded from the doorway, as I threw the burnt remnant onto the concrete, just like the rest.

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself and rocking back and forth. I felt something heavy hit my neck and I looked up at Charlie. He had put a warmer jacket around me. He took a seat beside me, looking out onto the road.

"She's not gone, you know." Charlie cast his eyes down, giving me a knowing kind of half smirk.

I shivered, pulling the heavy fabric around me. "I know." I bit the inside of my lip. I knew exactly that, but I couldn't tell Charlie and I didn't like it. It felt like lying.

Charlie smoothed down his coal black tie and I could tell it was making him uncomfortable. All day he had been moving it and trying to loosen it. I don't know why he just didn't take it off. He stuck his finger into the collar of his shirt, pulling it again.

"Come here," I huffed, leaning over and pulling the tie slack, as a look of surprise crossed Charlie's face. I pulled it over his head and stuffed it into the pocket of his jacket. "There, much better."

Charlie looked unimpressed, before he whispered a thank you under his breath. "I don't know about you, but I'm kind of hungry. Do you want to go to the diner?"

I didn't feel much like cooking and I couldn't even tell if I was hungry or not, but I nodded my head without thinking.

The diner in Forks was a pretty popular place but that wasn't difficult, being it was one of only three places to eat out in Forks. It was a typical diner, set up for locals and passing truckers. There were single seats along the bar that were decorated with silver napkin holders and salt and pepper shakers. The brass bell above the door chimed loudly as we entered the crowded diner. Cathy waved at Charlie, motioning for him to take a seat anywhere. The smell of coffee and hot food filled the air, creating a comfy aroma.

My mind wandered to Alice. Would she be waking up soon? I couldn't comprehend what she might think in those first moments. Probably the same as me when Carlisle told me he was a vampire. I had my doubts about Rosalie but she seemed sincere when she said she would look after Alice. I wonder if she'll miss me? I guess I'll never know. Part of me wanted to think she would say, 'screw the vampire rules' and call me, or try to contact me in some way. The feeling of guilt washed over me – I knew their existence was dangerous, not only for me, but for them as well.

Charlie nudged me lightly and I almost tripped over my own feet. I picked my head up to look at what was so important.

"Your friend's flaggin' you." Charlie nodded his head and I followed to see Mike and Jessica sitting in a booth at the back of the diner. "If you want to sit with them it's fine with me."

"No," I replied quickly. "I'm not really feeling up to it." I took a seat in an empty booth, picking up the menu and using it to hide myself.

Get it together, I berated myself, taking a deep breath. I tried to at least act like a normal, everyday human. I rubbed my thumbs against the shiny plastic edges, reading over the menu. I could pretty much tell you everything they had on here from memory; it hadn't ever changed.

"Hey, darlings," Cathy said as she took out her order pad, flipping to a fresh sheet of paper and taking the world's smallest pencil from her apron. Her gaze faltered as she looked us over and I knew she was thinking about our funeral clothes. "What can I get you?" She smiled, brightly.

I put a small smile on my face and the world suddenly felt like a stage. Charlie ordered his usual cheeseburger, hold anything healthy, and I couldn't think about what I wanted. I didn't feel hungry; I didn't feel anything but empty. That was the scary thing.

"I'll have the pancakes with ice cream." I laid the menu down as she noted the orders.

Charlie raised an eyebrow but said nothing and we waited quietly for our food. I tapped my fingers against the edge of the table. I was glad to have Charlie as company and not have to try to make conversation.

"So…" Charlie stated, obviously not thinking the same as me. "Are you excited about Dartmouth yet?"

"I don't know, I've not really thought about it."

Charlie nodded and I hoped he would leave it.

"'Cause, you know, there's a lot to think about financially, moving your things, getting a place to stay..." Charlie sighed gruffly, leaning back into the leather cushions of the booth.

I bit the inside of my lip. I didn't want to think about leaving Forks just yet. "I'll start on everything soon; there's still plenty time." I hoped.

The food arrived, effectively making Charlie quiet. It's not that I wasn't thinking about everything he said myself, I just couldn't. It was all too much for my brain to process right now. I picked up a fork, poking my food, not really wanting to eat, but I did manage to shovel a few bites into my mouth. I swallowed it dry and I expected to feel something but there was nothing. I placed the fork back on the table, pushing the edge of the plate away. Charlie glanced at me and then the plate, as he held his burger in both hands. I looked away from him, leaning my elbow on the table and cradling my head in my hand as I watched people come and go.

We got home and it was still early, but all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I felt exhausted and I hadn't even done anything. Charlie opened the door, placing his keys on the side table. He walked into the kitchen and I heard the answering machine say that we had 'one new message' in the crackly, automated voice. I kicked my shoes off as the sound of Carlisle's voice sounded through the small house.

"Bella, this is Doctor Cullen, can you please give me a call when you receive this message." Even on Charlie's ancient answering machine his voice still sounded perfect and comforting.

"What does Dr. Cullen want to talk to you about, Bells?"

"I have no idea." I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to look directly at him in fear he could tell I was lying.

I waited in the kitchen, pretending to be getting a drink while I waited for Charlie to leave. As soon as I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I grabbed the phone dialing the Cullen's number. It only rang twice before Esme picked up.

"Hello, Cullen residence."

"Esme, it's Bella. Carlisle called me, is everything okay?" I couldn't hide the fear in my voice.

The line crackled as Esme replied. "Oh, honey."

"What is it? What happened? Is she okay?" I held the phone with both hands and they started to tremble.

"Um, maybe it's better if I let you speak to Carlisle." I was scared. It was the first time I heard a vampire falter.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice asked, in slight surprise.

"Yes. Now, please, someone tell me what's going on."

"Well, you see, some of us were out hunting and Alice apparently woke up early. Rosalie and Emmett were both there but it seems she… disappeared." He paused, taking an unnecessary breath.

"Disappeared?" I mimicked, my voice raising two octaves.

"Don't worry, I have everyone out looking for her and I called some of my friends; we should find her soon."

"How could she disappear? What if she goes into town?" I feared. What if someone got hurt?

"I don't know. We were taking turns, watching her closely. She was only left alone for a second, but newborns are very instinctual. It could be that she feared our presence. Don't worry, Bella, we are watching the town carefully."

Waking up after days of pain in a strangers house; being able to see, hear and smell everything… of course she was scared. They left her alone; even for a second. Rosalie was supposed to be watching after her. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep calm. "Will you call me if anything happens? Anything at all?"

"Of course."

I sighed in relief. "Thank you, Carlisle. Oh, and one more thing. Tell Rosalie our deal is off." If she couldn't keep her safe now, what use was she? I hung up the phone, keeping one hand on the receiver as I propped myself up against the wall. "Alice, where the hell are you?" I whispered, under my breath.

Xxx

I watched the dust particles; the morning light illuminated them and they looked like little flecks of gold, all dancing together – moving, swaying and creating spirals. I moved my hand from under the cover, reaching out and trying to touch them, but they were too far away.

A loud knock sounded and I knew someone was at the front door. I ignored it, staring at the dust, but the knocking seemed to continue, disturbing the dust from its natural momentum. I threw off the covers. This person obviously knew I was home; maybe it was Rosalie. I quickened my step, not caring how I looked with untamed hair and scruffy old flannel pajamas. I opened the door, making sure to hide as much of my body behind the frame as I could.

The cold air hit my bare feet first and I shrunk back into the house, keeping one hand on the door frame, using the other to comb down my hair. It wasn't Rosalie and I don't know if I was happy about that or not. Instead, Sam stood in a heavy, dark green jacket, hugging a cardboard box close to her chest.

"Hi," she spoke awkwardly, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

"Hey, Sam. What are you doing here?" I asked. I really had no idea.

"Alice's stuff." Her eye's shifted from the box back to me. "I was clearing out her room and, because there's no next of kin, I thought… you might want it… it seemed to…"

I nodded in understanding. I didn't want her things to be destroyed either, but I thought I was too late.

"Do you want to come in?" I motioned inside.

"Uh… I think I've got a few minutes. I have to get back to the hospital, though."

I looked down to see she was wearing scrub pants and those ugly white sneakers again.

Sam stepped inside and I took the box from her hands, placing it on the floor next to the door.

"I'm sorry I didn't bring it sooner but, you know, with everything happening, there just didn't seem to be a right time."

"I understand; don't worry about it."

Sam fidgeted again, picking at the fingers of her gloves. "I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was for everything that happened."

I didn't understand. "Why are you sorry? You were great to us."

"I just feel like someone should be. Alice told me what happened between you two after you left that night."

"You spoke to her?" My voice was hesitant, but held excitement.

"Yeah, only for a second. She was over the moon." Sam smirked. "She couldn't stop bouncing; it was driving the monitors crazy."

I laughed at the mental image. "Did she say anything?"

"Not really, she was just so happy. She just rambled about how amazing you are."

I felt a blush heat up my cheeks and I looked to the floor, hiding it from her. I rubbed my neck trying to expel the heat.

"So," Sam spoke, brushing past my embarrassment. "How have you been holding up?"

I sighed, taking a step back and wrapping my arms around myself. "Just taking each day." Wow, I sound like I sound be in A.A. Yeah, Alice Addiction Anonymous. Wait, that's three A's…

"That's good," Sam nodded in acceptance. "It's very adult of you."

Adult; is that what I was now? After dealing with death? I would give it up any day for someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay; even if it wasn't.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, glancing at the kitchen.

"No. No, thank you, I really have to go." Sam edged her way back to the door. Reaching behind her, she pulled open the door letting the cool air flood in. "Oh, before I go, I left another box out on the porch."

I followed Sam outside, hugging my arms around my waist, giving her a small wave goodbye. As soon as she was gone I cast my eyes down to the brown cardboard box. I don't know why I seemed to stare at it, but I didn't want to deal with it. With a huff, I picked up the box, carrying it into the living room and placing it onto the floor, flopping onto the couch. I scraped the box along the floor until it was settled between my feet and opened the flaps.

The objects were grouped neatly and I took out a few familiar things: her jewelry, a scarf, an old copy of Pride and Prejudice. I brought the scarf up to my nose, closing my eyes and inhaling the sweet scent. I wrapped it around my neck and continued to look through the boxes but as I searched, it was all things I had seen before. I picked up the box taking it up into my room. I opened the closet door and put it in the very back corner, pushing it flush against the wall. I don't know if I was hoping it would be safe or if it would just disappear.

Xxx

It had been weeks, but it felt like hours. Charlie was there for me, and Jake too; he came over and we sat and watched TV, but I can hardly remember anything that we spoke of.

"It's going to be good, yeah? Good." Charlie repeated to himself, taking his eyes off the road for a split second to look at me for a response.

I twitched in my seat, moving to sit upright, coming out of my daze. I smiled "Yeah," I replied, not really sure what he was talking about.

"I know you're nervous but don't be, because everybody is in the same place as you. They won't know a lot of people either. And your room looked nice."

Oh. A light switch seemed to flick internally. He was talking about Dartmouth. I should have known; it's all we ever seem to talk about now. It was a long drive back from New Hampshire and I could only pretend to sleep for so long, so I should have seen this coming.

"Are you excited?" Charlie questioned, tentatively.

I thought over everything and I was excited, but everything seemed dulled when I thought about Alice; where she was, if she was ok. When I thought of anything else it was like I couldn't feel it. "Yeah, it's exciting. I just get nervous when I think about it too much. Can we talk about something else?"

"Um…." Charlie ruffled his moustache as he thought.

Quiet disposition, I thought, and again it reminded me of Alice comparing me to Charlie. Were we really that alike?

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked.

I think I'm far from okay but as much as I hate it, the days seem to be moving on and all I can do is move with them. "I'm getting there," I spoke honesty, turning back to stare out of the rain covered window. We must almost be home, I thought to myself.

Xxx

My new cell phone sat on the table, shiny and square. Charlie bought it for me as an early birthday present so I would have it when I got to Dartmouth next month. There were only five numbers in it and most of them I knew by heart anyway. The first was Angela, then Charlie's home and work numbers, then mom, then Cullen.

I waited on the couch for my weekly update from Carlisle. Sometimes Esme or Emmett called if there wasn't much news and we would chat for a bit. I found it comforting to talk with someone else that knew.

The phone buzzed and my hands shot out like a viper, as I held the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hello, Bella, how are you?" Esme's sweet voice rang down the phone

"Good. Have you found her yet?"

There was silence on the line for a moment.

"I'm sorry, honey, we haven't, but we are still looking. She seems very smart for a newborn. We got a report from some friends that they had seen her while hunting in the woods and when they tried to track her down, it was like she disappeared."

"That's unusual?" I questioned.

"Yes, very. But if she's smart then I'm sure she'll find her way back. She just needs some time to accept the change."

It was funny how Esme could always make me feel better with such simple words. We talked for a little while about cooking and school, and Esme told me some places to check out in New Hampshire. I wondered if there was anywhere they hadn't been.

"I guess you have stuff to do; I better let you get back to work."

"I know it's hard right now but it will get better, I promise."

Even though I knew there was no way she could know such a thing and it felt like I would feel like this forever, her promise was oddly reassuring and I believed her.

Xxx

I closed the door gently, not wanting to wake up my roommate. The familiar smell of ripe food seemed to linger and I noticed she had not taken out the garbage and her dirty plates were stacked haphazardly by the sink. We had only been living together three months and already I couldn't wait to have my own place. As roommates go, it could have been worse. At least she is quiet and polite and we can talk when we have to.

Quickly, after entering to my room, I dropped the newly acquired stack of books on my desk and collapsed back on the bed. I checked my phone and set the alarm. I noticed Charlie had texted me, a skill he was yet to fully understand. It was a simple text, just telling me to text him so he would know I got home safe. It wasn't something I was used to doing and it felt odd, but I was glad Charlie cared enough to worry.

My pillow began to buzz and I shot up, afraid that I had slept through my alarm. Fear shot through me because I hated showing up late to class. It meant everyone stared at you when you walked in. I flicked the light on too quickly, causing a sharp pain to resonate in the back of my eyes. My left hand searched the sheets, smoothing over them until I make contact with the cold metal. Squinting at the screen I realized it wasn't my alarm, but a call. My heart stopped as I read over the name. Swallowing hard, I tensed my jaw. A mix of excitement and dread cemented my teeth together and I pushed the answer button.

"Hello," I whispered into the void.

"Bella, it's Carlisle," his voice spoke softly, but steadily.

"What's going on? Has something happened? Did you find Alice?" I tripped over my own words in a rush to get them all out.

"Well, that's the thing. She seems to have found us."

I scrunched my eyes, making sure I had heard him correctly. But even then it didn't make sense. "What do you mean?"

"She just showed up a few hours ago. She knew us all by name, then she moved into Edward's room."

I muffled a laugh. That did sound like her. "So, what happened to her? Has she said anything?" Thoughts began to rush through my brain. I wanted to see her more than anything. I just wanted to look at her.

"She doesn't remember what happened to her. She doesn't remember anything about her human life. It's quite interesting, actually. I think it has something to do with her being on life support before she was changed; being clinically brain dead, it was almost like a rebirth. She has no knowledge of being human. Everything is new to her: tastes, smells… it's remarkable. Jasper taught her how to hunt animals so she hasn't harmed anyone. She doesn't even seem overly tempted by human blood."

"Who is Jasper?" I questioned.

"He just showed up with her. He is a much older vampire than she is but they seem to have some sort of connection, since she sought him out first."

Carlisle continued to talk but it was like static. I could feel my heart sink from my chest and fall into my stomach. She didn't remember me, our time together… nothing. She wakes up and she goes to find him? Why not me?

Carlisle was still talking as my voice had drawn to a whisper. "Have you told her anything yet?"

"No, that's why I was calling you. To see if you wanted to tell her yourself."

I thought about it, but how could I explain what had happened? What she had meant to me? Why I did what I did? What if she wanted to know about her human life? Her non-existent family? Her life wasn't exactly a fairytale.

"Does she seem happy?" Of all the questions I could have asked, this was the only one I cared about.

"Honestly, of all the vampires I know, she seems to have a sort of natural glee because she doesn't know any other life. She doesn't pine for it. She enjoys what she has."

Yeah, that's Alice, I thought, with a smile.

"Carlisle… maybe it's better if she doesn't know." The ironic yet fitting words rang in my ear. "I know it's dangerous for you and your family to have a human know, and she has you and this Jasper guy." I let silence fill the line for a moment. "She's happy."

"Are you sure?" Carlisle's voice carefully prodded.

I wanted to say that I wasn't sure, but it just seemed like the best option for her. She would live and make new memories and I would get to have the old ones.

"I'm sure. Just look after her Carlisle. And thank you; for everything." The finality of my words seemed to hit him and I knew that she would be ok.

"Okay, Bella, I guess this is Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I let the phone drop into my lap as I sat cross-legged on the bed. After staring at the wall for what felt like hours, I looked at the screen again, going to the last call. I picked up the phone, holding it in front of me as I moved my finger over the button, hesitating a moment before I clicked it. The name disappeared – deleted from my life in one press of a button. I knew it meant nothing, really, and that they could call or find me at any moment. But the action felt final. They had no ties to me now and they had given me more help than I could ever repay. Sun beams flared through the window, slowly illuminating the small room. This could be how I repay them, I thought. I can pretend they never existed.

A/N Thanks for reading:] please leave your thoughts and feelings in a review. They do really inspire me to continue writing the load of half finished stories I have lying on my computer.