Sleeping at your own apartment has never been in your plans for this evening. Your intention was to get through dinner and go right back to Regina's, so you could be there when your son woke up on Christmas morning. But the pregnancy is taking its toll on Mary Margaret, and by the time dinner ends, she is exhausted and slightly queasy, so you send her to bed, promising to help David clean everything up.
And by the time that is over, it is way too late, and your always-protective, newly found father insists you sleep there, "for safety reasons". Not like there are any crimes in Storybrooke at all... but you know he would still be worried about you walking back at 2am on your own, and would insist on walking you there instead. And that is definitely not what you think he should be doing, and not what you think he should be worrying about with a pregnant wife, so to avoid that discussion, you cave and stay over for the night.
You soon find, however, that your bed (or more like your old bed) is nowhere near as comfortable as you remembered it. In theory, this is still officially your and Mary Margaret's apartment; this is still your room and your bed, and where you technically live. In practice, though, you haven't slept there for at least a couple of months.
After Mary Margaret found out she had indeed managed to get pregnant with the child she wanted so much (something for which you resent her quite a lot, but that is something you constantly try to push away from your mind and just not think about, lest you ruin the still extremely fragile relationship you have built with her since finding out she is actually your mother), David had moved out of his tiny rented house once and for all, and officially settled into the apartment – which had without a doubt become too small for the three of you.
Not to mention how extremely awkward it had become for you to watch them constantly snuggling and making out, especially now that you knew you were related. If there is one thing in the whole parent-child relationship that has come completely naturally to you, without the smallest bit of effort, that thing is the slightly irksome feeling you experience every time you see your parents having any deeper physical contact. Everything in your mind screams "eww!" and you have to constantly make an effort to not let your face demonstrate that.
Plus, you knew very well that it was only a matter of time until your resentment came to surface and you told the other woman exactly how you feel about her wanting this new baby so much that she could not even wait until the two of you had actually bonded properly. And that was not and is not something you are looking forward to... because you know it will be a hard and emotional talk, and you tend to run away from those like they are the black plague itself.
You also know that, when that happens, it will invariably shake Mary Margaret's overflowing joy, the joy of someone who has finally gotten everything they had ever wanted in their life: true love, a baby on the way, no more dangers to run from... By now, you have gathered that the last years in your mother's life – the ones before the curse – haven't exactly been easy, and there were not many victories or many moments of peace at all; now is the first time in quite a while that she has had not only good things happening, but time to enjoy them calmly. And you definitely do not like the idea of ruining that for her.
So, also to avoid or at least postpone the inevitable conflict, you have been spending pretty much every night at Regina's. Which, in the end, leaves you pretty much in a limbo, home-wise.
Regina's house is too full of her, of her personality and her taste for you to feel like that is your home; maybe you haven't been together for enough time for that to happen, or maybe it will never happen and that will always be her place and you will simply be an addition to it – maybe you will never have enough room to imprint a bit of your own self in that place, either because you are not sure she will ever let her guard down enough to allow you to, or because you are not sure you will ever feel comfortable enough with leaving your mark.
Leaving marks means making commitments; and you have always avoided those as well. You have always avoided being noticed, leaving tracks behind you, you were always far more comfortable knowing that you could pack your things and leave whenever you wanted to, and no one would notice your absence. Making Regina's home your own will mean setting your roots there... and you are not fully sure you are ready for that. You know you have been making progress in that sense, though... because, for once in your life, you actually want to. For the time being, however, you still don't think of her house as being your home... even though that is where you go back to every night now.
Your apartment (or former), however, is also not home anymore. You don't even feel comfortable there – hence you leaving. Not that you officially did that, though. God knows Mary Margaret would have thrown a fit if you had told her you were officially moving out and in with Regina – and the fact that it was Regina of all people would have been just one of the reasons why. She would have cried and whined and pleaded with you to not leave her there while she was pregnant with your little brother or sister... and you telling her that she would not be alone because David would be living with her would not have worked. She would have pouted and made you feel bad enough to guilt you into staying... and you knew for a fact that that would not end well.
So, yet again, you ran away from conflict, and simply started spending your nights at Regina's without an official notice. It happened once after you were there for dinner, and you had used the "it's late" excuse to spent the night there. Then it happened another time, then another one when Henry was sick and you argued that you both could take turns watching over him during the night, so none of you would be absurdly exhausted the next day... and soon, you didn't need excuses anymore. You figured Mary Margaret was too enthralled in her own predicament to give it much thought to start with.
In the end, though, it is sleeping there again after a while that shows you that that place certainly does not feel like home anymore either. Turns out that you currently feel more comfortable at Regina's than there, in every single way. Even the bed feels weird, and you have a hard time finding a comfortable position. It takes you a while to realize that what is causing your discomfort is the lack of a body next to you. The way you used to sleep before no longer feels comfortable, because you have grown unused to it in the last few months.
You think to yourself about how weird that is, that you would spend basically your whole life sleeping alone – because, with the exception of Henry's father, everyone else you had ever been with until Regina had left (or you had left them) before morning came – and then, in such a short time, you had unlearned how to do that. It's like sleeping next to Regina came so naturally to you that it had replaced what used to be natural before. And, now that you have to go back to that for the night, you find yourself having a hard time with it.
For once in your life, it takes you longer than five minutes to fall asleep. And what finally helps you drift off is thinking about her, trying to imagine her lying next to you, pretending to snuggle against her like you have grown used to doing. The effect doesn't last forever, though, and after just a few hours, you wake up again.
You look over at your phone to find it is just after 7am. You groan at the information, thinking that is way too early to be awake at any given day, but the fact that you remember that it's Christmas makes it even more appalling. After your daily stretching and yawning ritual, however, you figure it could be a good thing that you woke up at that time. Luckily, David and Mary Margaret would still be asleep, and you could easily sneak out without being smothered by their morning joy. That is the one aspect that still makes you think this whole thing could be a mistake and there is no way they are your parents – because you have never, ever, for one single day in your life, woken up in the early morning in a good mood. And yet the two of them seem to always wake up smiling and humming to the birds, and honestly that is all kinds of infuriating to you. So, if you can actually avoid that, all the better.
And it turns out that you can. They are both still asleep indeed, and within just a few minutes, you are out the door and on the way to Regina's. The weather is cold, and it's just starting to snow, but not heavily enough to actually stay on the ground for more than a little while. If it gets any heavier than this, though, it actually might – and you are so hoping that happens, because a white Christmas would be the cherry on top of the sundae, and extra Christmas miracle to add to the fact that you for once get to spend it with Regina and Henry... with your family.
The cold is good for you, it takes away the last traces of sleep and wakes you up for good, and soon you're walking faster than your first zombie-like steps.
You hope you will also get lucky enough to get there before the two inhabitants of the house have woken up. You're pretty sure Henry will still be asleep; his pre-teen self is starting to need more and more sleep, so waking up early hasn't been a thing for him for a while. You're not sure about the other woman, though... but you hope you will still get the chance to see her wake up, because you rarely ever do. Most times, she wakes up before you – naturally at that, no alarms or anything. So you're hoping this one time, it's the other way round.
Upon entering the house, going through the living room, kitchen and finally upstairs, and finding everything in complete, absolute silence, you know you have hit the jackpot. No one is awake there yet besides you. You stop by Henry's door, and you can't resist taking a peek inside. You can't see much through the keyhole, but it's enough to distinguish his sleeping form on the bed, under a heavy duvet that he pulled until it was covering his whole body, from head to toe.
You smile to yourself, in awe of how much love you feel for that boy, like you thought you would never be able to feel for anyone. After more than a year of knowing him, you are still not sure if you can be a mother... there is way too much baggage there, way too many scars, way too many doubts, your flight instincts still speaking to you and telling you to run time and time again, even though you have gotten a lot better at shutting them up.
And finally finding your parents, differently from what you had hoped for your whole life, did not miraculously fix things, did not suddenly make you able to get easily attached to people and open your heart to them and take responsibility for them. You were always good at defending the weak and oppressed, but you were never good at taking care of them, because that demanded emotional attachment, and you were rarely ever brave enough for that. And, if there is one thing that being a mother demands, that is it.
That is why you gave him up in the first place: not only you had never had any examples of how to be a mother, but the last thing you were capable of doing after being betrayed and abandoned by the one man you had allowed yourself to love was to risk that happening again. You would not be able to open your heart up completely... not with the amount of pain you were still going through. And that tiny child definitely deserved better than a mother who wouldn't know how to be a mother... and who wouldn't be able to love him without reserve or fear.
But after getting to know him, one of those things had been fixed. You had grown to love him so much, and so quickly. You resisted at first... still too afraid, especially considering how clear Regina had been that you had no place in his life whatsoever. It was emotional suicide to allow yourself to get attached to him, knowing you could lose him at any second.
But, once you finally decided to stay in Storybrooke for good... you knew you were doomed. You already cared for that kid far more than you were comfortable with, and there was no way back from that. It didn't take too long for you to admit to your own self that you didn't simply care about him... you loved him. You love him, more than you will ever be able to explain. And you are extremely grateful for that, because that love was exactly what saved his life, what broke the curse and allowed you to find your parents and to bring people's happiness back... It was what brought Henry himself back. So you will always be thankful for how that young boy found his way into your heart and made camp there.
It still leaves you in awe, though. It still comes as a surprise, whenever you think about just how much you love him, because that was never something that came easily to you, and never with this intensity, and never in this overflowing amount. So you take your time to let that feeling sink in as you watch him sleep from afar. You don't know if you can be the mother he deserves to have – if you're honest, you have to admit that you actually do not think you ever will be – but you finally know, after all these years, that you love him, without a single doubt.
And in a way, another of your problems has also been somewhat solved. Because, thankfully, you don't have to be the mother he deserves to have – because he already has that. He already has a mother who not only loves him with all her heart, but who is a wonderful mother at that, one who is always ready to care for him and help him with homework and take care of him whenever he is sick and educate him... and do what is best for him, even if that means sacrificing her own self. He has always had that mother, ever since he was a few days old.
So, in a way, that weight is off your shoulders. Because of Regina, you can try to be a mother to Henry without the pressure of being the only one he can rely on. You can simply try, knowing that, if you can't be as good of a mother as he should have, there is already someone there to fill in that role. And, because of Regina... you actually do have an example to follow now. Not your own mother, but his mother. With them both... you finally feel like you can allow yourself to try. You can allow yourself to stay.
Thinking about the brunette makes you suddenly remember what you wanted to do, so you force yourself to straighten back up and continue walking to the end of the corridor, until you reach the beautifully crafted wooden door, which you carefully push open. You enter the bedroom slowly, on the tip of your toes, doing your best not to make any noises that could wake the sleeping brunette. It's way too early, after all – even for her. Besides... you do want to see her waking up, but that is definitely not the best way to do that, for your own safety.
You reach the bed, looking down at the other woman curled up, a heavy blanket covering her form, both of her hands clutching it to her chest, and sit down next to her. Once more, your senses are overcome by how absolutely gorgeous she is, even when she is asleep – perhaps even more so. No matter how many times you have looked at her over the past year; time and time again, you seem to be just as overwhelmed by her beauty as you were the very first time you saw her, when you came by her house simply to return her son, introducing yourself with a sheepish smile and trying to explain the situation.
You waste a moment thinking about how neither of you could have known, at that night, where you would end up. Neither of you could have known, when she incredulously asked you if you were Henry's birth mother, and in your mind you tried to process that she, that unbelievably classy and sexy and beautiful woman, was Henry's adoptive mother, that a year later, you would simply be – both of you – Henry's mothers.
Never moving your eyes from her, you start to take in her shape, the position she is sleeping in, the state of the bed itself... the tousled sheets, her fists holding the blanket – not fully relaxed even in sleep. It is obvious that she has had another very rough night, and guilt washes over you because you know, she has told you at least a few times, that she has been sleeping better ever since you unofficially moved in. You know having you there helps her sleep, even if you can't exactly understand how that works for her, since you don't do anything besides... well, sleep.
Still, for some reason, that makes things easier for her. And, by spending the night at your old apartment, you took that away from her – and now you can clearly see the results of your choice.
Since you always fall asleep before she does and she always wakes up before you do, this is literally the first time you are getting to watch her sleep. This is the first time that you are actually realizing how hard that is for her, how much strength she needs to gather each night, how much of a fight – literally speaking, by the looks of the bedsheets – she puts up.
She has told you bits and pieces about it, either willingly, or just letting it escape at one time or other. You have put together enough to know sleep is definitely a problem for her... but, up until now, you didn't know just how much. You frown and tell your own self that you will try your very best to not let this happen again... to not leave her to deal with it alone.
If she can go to a war every night and just keep doing that day after day after day; if she can trust you enough to believe you don't see her like everyone else and you will not betray her trust like everyone else; if she can be brave enough to let you see the real Regina and not the mask she shows to everyone else (whether that mask be the always-in-control mayor or the famous Evil Queen)... then you can be there. You can be there for her, and for Henry, and you can allow your roots to hold ground and grow, and you can allow those two people to take root inside your heart as well, for once. And not just for the time being.
Suddenly, Regina starts slightly struggling against her blanket. Her brows furrow, and a definitely pained expression washes over her face. You are still deciding what the best course of action is, if waking her up or simply lying down next to her, when you hear a word escape her lips. Your name. She's calling for you, and her voice is barely a whisper, but you can still clearly distinguish how anguished it sounds. You know at that very moment that you cannot let whatever is tormenting her go on for a second longer.
Leaning down, you gently cup her cheek and caress it lightly with your thumb, and you can immediately feel her face relax the tiniest bit. You bring your lips to her forehead, lingering there for a moment while you breathe her in, realizing how much you missed the fruity scent of her hair. When you move away, you see she is starting to stir, blinking the sleep away from her eyes little by little, trying to force them open.
Still not removing your hand from her face, you patiently wait until she is awake enough to look at you, not wanting to hurry her up or startle her in any way – you know her dreams have probably done enough of that already.
You are very good at reading people... everyone knows that, yourself and her included. So it startles you to realize that, when that happens and she finally opens her eyes for good and sees you there, the first emotion that you see the hazel orbs displaying is... surprise. She is honestly surprised to see you there; not like someone who is confused, like you were just yesterday upon waking up, but like someone who is met with something unexpected.
Then it hits you: Regina is not used to people coming back for her for any reasons that not to exert revenge or to use her. She is not used to the people she loves going back to her... she is only used to watch them leave, on one way or other.
You only know so much about her life before they all came to this world; Mary Margaret actually told you more about it than she herself has so far – although the two of you have been slowly working on that, one step at a time. But what you do know, combined with your gut feelings, is enough to know that she was not really expecting you to be back today. Maybe she was hoping for that, yes – after all, that was what you had agreed on, wasn't it? But in that moment, you realize that she did not truly believe you would, at least not completely; deep in her heart, she doubted it.
And that breaks your heart... because you know that feeling. You know it all too well, the fear, the inability to trust someone else to love you and care about you... the inability to believe your own self worthy of that. That is not a feeling you would wish upon anyone, ever. But especially not the woman you love.
It pains you that she would doubt you that way, but you know better than to judge her for it or be even mildly disappointed at that, because you also know how hard it is to get rid of that kind of thinking, once your brain and all your past experienced have made you pretty much wired towards it. You know it's not a choice, not something she can control or change. Deep down, you know she might never completely believe that you are not leaving her – especially since she does know about your record of running away; just like you know you might also never completely believe she is not going to leave you either. That's something you'll both have to deal with and hopefully overcome – but if not, at least go around.
It occurs to you that all you can do is keep proving her wrong, say after day after day. And that thought, that knowledge scares you, because you know one single slip might do more damage than you could ever account for, and you have never been good at handling all that pressure, and you never wanted all that pressure to start with... You did not ask to be the Savior, you did not sign up for that, and you ran from it literally as much as you could, until your son's life was in the line and you had no choice but to embrace it and to fight for his life, literally slaying a dragon if needed be.
Being responsible for someone else scares she hell out of you. But you have done it for Henry. And you do intend to keep doing it for him, because you know leaving his life now is not an option anymore. And, if there is one person who will always be connected to Henry... that person is Regina. Being in Henry's life will always mean being in Regina's life. So you know that you're in it for the long run... with both of them.
You know that in your heart, and in that exact moment, you realize that it will not be that much of a new commitment to make sure that Regina also knows that. The commitment itself has already been made... not now, but months ago. The only difference is that, now, you are finally brave enough to admit it. You love her, you belong right next to her, and you are not leaving.
Leaning down again, you capture her lips with yours, hoping the kiss will be able to convey everything that you cannot find the words to say yet. You are physicality embodied... words have never been your strength. But still, you muster enough of them to let her know you missed her, to let her know your nights are also worse without her... and you hope with all you have that she reads it for what it is, a confession that you do need her as well.
When she smiles at you, reaches up and pulls you into her arms, clinging tightly, and tells you she missed you too... you know she has.
Hey there! How is 2014 treating you so far?
I'm sorry for the lack of updates for more than a week. The end of the year was sort of eventful. But here I am again now. As it is, there will probably be two more chapters after this one, and then we're done. So, how do you like this one? Please let me know, it's always helpful :)
And happy New Year!
