Many thanks to anyone still interested in this story and I'm very sorry for the long wait for this chapter. It's getting harder to write…no matter how much I work at it, the characterization and interaction between these two characters still seem a bit off to me. (frown) Do drop me a note if you can to tell me what you think or how to improve. Thanks!
Anyway, here it is…
Chapter Three
Kakashi held himself perfectly still although his mind screamed at him to go after Iruka, anxious about the chunin's condition and worried that he shouldn't be left alone right now. But he forced himself to stay calm, mentally wrestling his concerns into an iron box and sealing the lid shut as he had done countless times on the battlefield. It came to him easily, this mental technique, and he instantly felt numb, switching effortlessly from the ragged edge of panic to a completely emotionless calm without a hitch in his breath.
Even Tsunade, who stood less than two feet away, did not show any signs of having detected his earlier distress. She stood, her fists on her hips, golden eyes glittering with irritation as she glared at the rumpled sheets and blankets on the empty hospital bed.
"Umino Iruka!" She roared then bit off a quiet curse. "Damn that man and his stubborn streak."
She closed here eyes and pressed one finger to the center of her forehead in frustration. "Kakashi."
"Yes, Hokage-sama." The Copynin straightened.
"You brought Iruka to me asking me to save him, but I cannot help him if he doesn't let me." She growled, turning around to look at him grimly. "I will not usually recommend a procedure so risky but the alternative is certain death, we have to try something even if it is dangerous. Without the operation, he'll be dead in three months!"
Taking a deep breath, she composed herself and asked in a quieter voice. "Do you know what's troubling him? Is he afraid the operation won't go well and he'll lose even those three months?"
She thought Iruka was afraid the operation might kill him, Kakashi mused but didn't bother to correct her. He suspected he knew the real reason why the schoolteacher didn't want treatment; he could read it in Iruka's dread filled eyes when they looked at him.
Bright with fear not for himself, but for them.
They didn't keep dates or anniversaries or any sort of that nonsense, but he knew a year ago he was no more than a passing presence in Iruka's mind.
No, he reflected somberly, a year ago, Iruka had positively hated him.
"Maybe? Who knows?" He lifted his shoulders in a shrug, voice detached and nonchalant as though they were talking about the weather, or a stranger, and not the precious person he had come to care about more than anything else in this world.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Kakashi." One eyebrow twitched as she sighed in exasperation. "Have a heart, will you? I didn't think it would be possible but you two are such good friends now. He might listen to you. Won't you go talk to him?"
"Of course, Hokage-sama." He replied smoothly. "I will find Iruka-sensei and speak with him at once. Must the operation be done soon?"
"As soon as possible. Tomorrow, if he agrees to it." She said, smoothing out the patient folder she had unconsciously crushed in her rage. "Tell him I'll handle the operation myself of course."
"Please, Kakashi." She looked at him gravely. "This is serious. You must convince him."
"I will try my best." He managed a smile he didn't feel and vanished into the night.
Three teleportation jutsu later, Iruka was still nowhere to be found.
Kakashi scanned the long grass surrounding the memorial in the moonlight, feeling his hold on his calm slipping. Iruka was not at the ninja academy, nor was he at the training areas and he clearly was not at the memorial either.
Kakashi's brow furrowed. Maybe he was hiding? Where would he go?
Chewing on his lower lip as he pondered, a sudden thought struck him and he would have laughed if he wasn't skimming the edge of panic so closely. He had been thinking of where he himself would go if he were upset. But Iruka had always thought about things differently from him.
The chunin would have gone home.
He readied himself for another jutsu, glancing at the memorial stone out of habit. Moonlight glimmered off the polished black surface, gentle and warm, like the kind gaze of those who had once been so dear were watching over him.
His head dipped briefly in respect and prayed they were watching over Iruka too.
Iruka was standing in the kitchen, turning the stove off when let himself in through the window.
"Hey." Iruka greeted him with a smile that was a little too bright. "I felt a bit hungry so I'm just heating up some dinner. Want some?"
He shook his head slowly, suddenly awkward and unsure what to say. Relief flooded him at finally finding Iruka again that he was content to do nothing but stare at the man for a while, watching the chunin stir the soup left over from dinner.
The schoolteacher had showered and shed the plain white hospital shift he last saw him in. Instead, his dark brown hair was bunched up neatly with not a strand out of place and he had dressed himself in a fresh set of uniform. The metal plate of his hitai-ate, perfectly centered on his forehead, gleamed as he turned around to bring the bowl of soup to the table, his movements smooth and sure.
That had always been Iruka's way, drawing strength from these familiar things, reminding himself of his purpose, of his life as a shinobi to compose himself.
But he was still frightfully pale and the strain in his eyes from the barely suppressed pain fooled no one.
"Sorry I left you in the lurch to deal with an angry Hokage." Iruka was still chatting conversationally, tone deliberately light and casual. Flashing him a quick teasing grin, he wiped the stove top with a damp cloth. "I hope you're not too mad but-"
"Iruka."
He stilled, the false cheer slipping off his face like a mask, leaving him looking tired and ill. "Kakashi, please." He said quietly.
His insides twisted at the sadness in his voice but Kakashi took a breath and went on doggedly. "You know you have to go for the operation, there's no other choice."
"No I don't." There was steel in his voice, sharp and cold. "And it's my choice to make."
"Listen to me, you're unwell and need help." He frowned, getting angry.
"I feel fine."
"That's because they gave you painkillers just now."
"Then I'll take painkillers for the rest of my life, damnit!"
The chunin exploded, then grimaced, staggering at a sudden flare of pain. But he caught himself with one hand against the countertop before he could fall. The dishcloth was crushed into a tight ball in his clenched fist as he stood glaring at Kakashi, chest heaving with emotion, entire frame trembling in the wake of the pain.
The silence was loud in the tiny kitchen after their shouts.
Kakashi stared at Iruka in dismay. Every nerve in his body was tingling for him to leapt to the chunin's side and hold his arm to support him. But he knew Iruka had a deep sense of pride and hated to appear weak in front of anyone, least of all him. So he held himself back, gritting his teeth in helpless frustration, at a lost of how to persuade the man when the normally sensible chunin was acting like a brat throwing a childish tantrum.
"You know it's not just the headaches." He tried again more calmly, trying to be reasonable. "You'll die without treatment."
"It's my life and I can do whatever I damn well please with it!"
"Iruka!" He barked sternly. The chunin was not the only one with the 'sensei voice'.
The younger man took a deep breath and passed a hand over his eyes. His shoulders slumped. "Please Kakashi, don't make me do this." He said, sounding fragile in a way Kakashi had never seen nor heard from him before.
All of a sudden, a terrible black rage descended on Kakashi, blocking out all thoughts save one.
This was not Iruka!
This could not be Iruka. Iruka was strong and brave and full of bright with optimism for life. Not this weak, pathetic thing that sounded so utterly lost and defeated; a coward not even willing to put up a fight for his life.
White, hot fury coursed through his veins and as though in a dream, Kakashi started forward.
Ready to drive a chidori into his chest…
To choke him until he released the henge…
Reaching out to shake this hateful imposter so hard until his neck snapped…
His half-gloved hands were shaking as he put them on the slumped shoulders, but he surprised himself by gripping gently instead to make the man look at him. "This is about me, isn't it?"
Iruka rolled his eyes and snorted. "Don't flatter yourself, O mighty Sharingan Kakashi." He mocked but the humor sounded forced. Then he sighed and admitted, "Yeah, you're right, it's about us."
"There is no us."
Iruka flinched as if he had been slapped and Kakashi immediately regretted even thinking of using that lie on him.
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean that, please…" He breathed fervently, throwing his arms around the chunin and drew him close. Dangerous emotions bubbled too close to the surface, testing the seal on the iron box and tangling up his speech. "I…You are important to me…please, I can't bear it if…I mean…I just don't want you to die."
Iruka had closed his eyes and let his head fall forward to rest against his shoulder, but he didn't respond. He stood stiffly in the circle of his arms and was silent for a long moment.
Finally, a sigh escaped him, a kind patient sound, and he relaxed all at once, curling one arm around the jounin's waist to return the embrace. A hand settled at the back of his head, stroking his silver hair gently, as though he thought the jounin was the one in need of comfort.
"I might die from the treatment." Iruka said matter-of-factly against his shoulder, in that calm, levelheaded tone he knew so well.
"You won't." He said fiercely, ignoring the sharp spike of fear the words sent through him, clutching the schoolteacher even more tightly. "You'll be alright after the operation."
"Still, if I were to lose my memory, forget you…forget this…" Iruka laughed, a desperate broken sound that was closer to a sob. "I won't even miss it. Can't miss something you never knew you had, eh?"
"You won't." Kakashi repeated, a small part of him holding on staunchly to the belief that maybe, if he said it enough times, it would come true.
"It's possible, you know. You heard what Tsunade-sama said." And when he started to protest again, Iruka pulled away so he found himself staring into the schoolteacher's deep brown eyes, dark with compassion but burning with a determination to make him face the truth. "No Kakashi, you can't just ignore or deny it like this. You have to understand…there is a chance, a huge chance that this won't turn out well."
"I mean…I need to know you understand this… because if this doesn't turn out well…" His dark eyes turned sorrowful as they sought his, filled with so much concern and love Kakashi almost couldn't bear it.
"… I won't be the one who'd be hurt."
Kakashi's eyes widened, momentarily speechless. He could only stare at the chunin wonderingly. Looking at the troubled expression on his face and the resolute set to his mouth, he suddenly realized Iruka had already analyzed the entire problem from every possible angle and knew exactly what the stakes were.
Iruka wasn't being stubborn or cowardly.
Iruka was trying to protect him.
Ah the dear man…Kakashi thought fondly, his throat suddenly tight with emotion.
"I understand how easily things can turn out badly." He replied carefully, trying to show he had given the matter serious thought. "And if this really doesn't turn out well…if you really forget us, if you really died-" Here, his voice trembled a bit at the mere idea but he went on firmly. "I admit it won't be easy, but I promise to try my best to deal with it and move on."
He smiled, trying to be reassuring. "I'll be okay."
Iruka looked searchingly into his eyes as he considered his answer. Apparently, he must have found what he was looking for because he nodded. "Alright. I'll do it. I'll go for the operation." He relented. "I just needed to make sure."
He looked away, the scar across his nose pulling as his brows bunched up in a worried frown. "But still, losing my memory, that's pretty scary too." He mused quietly, scuffing one of his toes against the floor tiles absently. "A big chunk of your past missing…to not remember any of this…just like it never happened…" He closed his eyes and swallowed. "Sometimes, I think I'd rather die than risk it ending up like that."
"No! No, don't say that." He pleaded, his voice loud with alarm, making Iruka look up in surprise. The thought of the chunin giving up and just accepting death terrified him so much that he wasn't aware of what he was saying until the words were out of his mouth. "Please, even if the mind does not remember, the heart will. Your heart will remember this, remember us!"
There was a moment of pure silence, then one corner of the chunin's lips started twitching.
Kakashi blinked then groaned inwardly. What a sappy, stupid thing to say! It almost sounded as bad as some of the romantic nonsense in Icha Icha Paradise, he shuddered.
Ah well, he couldn't take it back now so he might as well play it cool and make it sound like he meant to say it all along. Besides, it seemed to have lightened the mood, feeling less tense than he had ever since Iruka first collapsed. He cast the younger man, who was obviously fighting laughter, a half-lidded glance and nodded sagely. "The heart will remember."
"And if it doesn't?" Iruka challenged, a mischievous spark in his eyes.
His smile turned sly. "Then I'll just have to woo you back!"
The blush that bloomed on Iruka's face almost made him forget their present troubles.
The chunin dropped his gaze and said ruefully, with just a hint of bitterness. "But it won't be the same."
Kakashi sighed and didn't deny it. Instead, he drew the schoolteacher close again, resting his chin on the chunin's shoulder, staring absently at the steam rising from the bowl of soup on the table.
"No it won't." He reflected quietly. "But you'll be alive. That's all that matters." He took a breath. "Life is important, you know. As long as we're alive, we can change things, we can try to fix things, make our tomorrows better."
"As long as we're alive, there's hope."
Iruka laughed, his breath ghosting warmly through the mask across his cheek. "Did you come up with that motivational speech by yourself?"
"Actually, that's from my sensei." He smiled, straightening to run a hand through his hair sheepishly, feeling a lingering sadness after all these years. "He told it to me at a low point in my life to encourage me."
"The idea is great and all but I'm not too crazy about the wording." The chunin quirked a skeptical eyebrow at him but laid a warm hand on his arm to indicate he recognized the significance of this bit of information, touched that Kakashi was willing to share precious memories of his past with him. "I sure hope you didn't use this cheesy line on your students." There was just a slight hesitation in his voice but his smile was firm and unwavering.
Kakashi covered the calloused brown hand with his own, glad that they could speak so freely about his genin cell. Team 7 had been a sore topic for them in the past, and still was sometimes.
"Nope, my teacher-ly advice to them was 'Those who do not care for their teammates are worse than trash!'"
Iruka covered his eyes and groaned. "But that's even worse!"
He grinned cheerfully and mentally smirked at Obito. "Ah, good thing I didn't come up with it then."
