Ichigo looked around the room. "It's just one problem."
Toshiro rose an inquire eyebrow. "And what would that be Kurosaki?"
"Where the hell is the groom…?"
Toshiro blinked, looking around the room. There was no sign of the groom. How had he not realize the most important person wasn't here? He really should've seen this coming. Why was he force to come to this bachelor party anyway-sure he was friends with Kuji, but the man was born for disaster. Seriously he burned down the three divisions just the other day. Something about trying to cook ramen noodles without water.
"Where the hell could he have gone?"
Everyone shrugged.
"Let's look around," Byakuya chimed in.
They all nodded in agreement and started the search for the lost captain. They checked around the hotel room and any place the groom could fit in. And since the person was Kuji that was a lot of places. There was no sign of lost captain.
"He ain't here." Kenpachi said throwing his hand up in defeat.
"Oi, did anyone check the roof," Shunsui pointed out.
They all shunpo to the roof and look around quickly hoping he was up there, with no such luck they walk back into the hotel room.
"You do know Soi-Fon going to kill us right?" Toshiro said matter-of-factly. He took a seat on the left half of the couch, Kenpachi taking one on the other side causing the couch to lean upward.
"If you mean stinging us death," Ichigo begin, taking a dramatic paused. "Than yeah we're good as dead."
"Not only did we do god knows what, with god knows who-" Toshiro said his face turning red, "we also got drunk, cut my hair and gave Ichigo a lame tattoo, and on top of that we lost the groom." He knew if they go back to the Soul Society without Kuji, they would either be burned alive or stung to death. Neither sounds better than the next.
Could things get any worse?
Just then Toshiro phones started to ring.
Toshiro inwardly curse fate. He had long forgotten about the phone the Twelfth Division captains had made for everyone to stay in touch. He sighed and reluctantly took the phone out his back pocket, he read the call id and recognizes the number, and it was the last person he wanted to talk to.
"It's Soi-Fon."
"Don't answer it then." Kenpachi said, looking slightly annoyed.
"If he doesn't answer she will get suspicious." Ichigo whisper lowly, as if Soi-Fon could hear them.
Toshiro sighed, he knew he couldn't dodge the inevitable, he reluctantly open the phone and pressed it on his ear.
"Hello?"
"Captain Hitsugaya," Soi-Fon begin formally. "I tried to call Kuji phone, the baka must have misplaced it again. Can I speak to him?"
Toshiro rubbed the back of his neck, a habit he just recently picked up.. "Umm, y-you s-see-"
"Why are you stuttering Captain-" she ask her tone turning deadly, "he is there with you correct?"
Toshiro nervously scratches his head, he really didn't want to lie to her. If he told her the truth she would kill them, if they lied and she found out about it she would kill them. Either way ended with his demise. The truth was better than a lie he figured.
"To be truthful Kuji is-"
Kenpachi snatched the phone before Toshiro could finished and said. "Eh, Soi-Fon he's a little shy and dozen want to talk to you right not."
"He dozen want to talk to me BUT WHY!" Soi-Fon shouted through the phone loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. Even without her physically being there they still felt the need to take a step back.
Toshiro growled loudly, snatching the phone from the spiky hair captain. "You see Kuji has cold feet and he dozen want to jinx the wedding by speaking to you." He stated trying to make use of his non-existing acting skills, then the baby started to cry loud enough for him to be heard through the phone.
Was that a baby? What's going on?" Soi-Fon questioned
"No baby here, it was just Kuji crying for joy because it's his wedding day," Toshiro chuckled nervously. "Well we have to go." He said rushing Soi-Fon off the phone but before he could hang up he could hear her still talking.
"If he runs off from my wedding day I will kill you all," Soi-Fon said darkly before hanging up the phone, her tone sending shivers down the captains backs.
"Kuji my old-friend where have you gone," Shunsui wailed crying comically tears
Toshiro roughly rubbed his forehead; he was too young for all this stress. Thank goodness his hair was already white. He was sure his therapist (yes he had a therapist, Dr. Shimo to be exacted) would advise him to avoid these type of situations. But for some reason it always seem to happen to him.
"We have to find him or we're dead." Hitsugaya said desperately. He looked around the room once again but this time something caught his eye. He walked over to the wall to see a note posted on the wall.
Dear Soul Reapers,
If you ever want to see your friend
Again then you will come meet me
Deep in the hollows nest before noon.
Love,
-The Kidnappers Name Muhahaha
"Who the hell puts 'love' in their ransom letter." Kenpachi asked rhetorically. Toshiro nodded in agreement.
"So we have until noon to get there." Byakuya said, his face lopsided from the baby pulling his hair.
"Or die by Soi-Fon and Yamamoto." Toshiro added.
A loud boom of music started to play in the background.
If you wanna see some action
Gotta be the center of attraction
Make sure that they got their eyes on you
Like a face that you see on every magazine
Ichigo stands with his fist clenching to his side his side, and his feature set with determination. The person singing gets louder.
Be the focus of attention
Be the name that everyone must mention
Come out from the shadows it's your time
'cause tonight is the night for everyone to see
"Here we go again." Kenpachi let out an indignant snort.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Toshiro shouted looking around for the person who was singing.
"That would be Kurosaki cheesy theme song," Byakuya began. "This always plays when he's doing something cool or intense. I do believe this is the time he goes into a rescue speech of some kind."
Shunsui pulled his hat down. "Tell me when he's done."
Ichigo looked to the ceilings thrusting his fist into the air "I can't let her down, it's my fought he was taken. I should have been stronger, I will find him. I will do this all for you Soi-Fon!"
Toshiro glared at Ichigo in his 'superhero' pose. "For Soi-Fon, I thought she hated his guts?"
"The main character-" Byakuya said motioning his hand to Kurosaki, "has to save a damsel in distress which is most likely a young woman or a female sibling. You see Kuji is a male so he needs a woman character to produce a hidden power. Like when he saved Rukia and Inoue."
Kenpachi blinked confused. "Eh, so he's going to pull a track groom power out his ass or something?"
"You see there is a chained of events that must occurred." Byakuya said wisely. "He has to lose first, then he would have to have a near death. Then he will slowly raise on one knee at a time, with a speech on how he can't lose and finally he will use a new power from unknown source."
"So he going to save the day again figures," Toshiro said, petulantly folding his arms.
"Let's go we have to go to the hollow nest to find Kuji," Ichigo said, determination in his voice.
Toshiro sighed. "This is going to be a long day…"
#
"Something is wrong..." Soi-Fon said out loud slamming her phone shut. She was in her room all morning trying to get in contact with Kuji. Now she finds out he didn't want to talk to her. Had she done something wrong? Sure she has threaten him before and stung him with her zanpakuto countless of times, but he wouldn't stand her up would he? If he did the thing she would do to all of them...
"Maybe he just a little nervous," a voice chimed in interrupting her from her thoughts. She didn't have to turn to see who it was.
Soi-Fon sighed in defeated. "But Lady Yoruichi, he didn't even want to talk to me!"
Yoruichi chuckle lightly at her friend formality, why after a hundred of years the girl still called her 'Lady Yoruichi', was beyond her. "Call me Yoruichi." She said and walked over and hugged the younger captain tightly. "Second he might just be nervous about getting married."
"No my Kuji senses are tingling... something bad has happen," Soi-Fon said unsure.
"You know how men get, they're so clueless," another voice chirped in happily.
Yoruichi nodded in agreement. "Rangiku right, men are so clueless to women's feelings."
"Believe us we speak from knowledge," Rangiku reassured. "How he could just leave like that, he betrayed the soul society and leaves me here. After everything we been through, he even told me he loved me. How could I have fallen in love with him? I mean he is one hunk of a man, and when he smiles he send a sensation down my body and-"
"What does that fox-face man have to do with Kuji?"
"OH! What were we talking about?"
"Men being clueless…"
Rangiku snapped her finger.. "Right, my point was men don't pay attention to ours feelings so sometimes we women just have to forgive them," she finished pushing her blondish hair out of her eyes.
"She right, but if it makes you feel any better we'll go see what happen," Yoruichi suggested.
Soi-Fon eyes beamed with happiness at her idol. "Really Lad- I mean Yoruichi you would do that for me?"
"Sure! What are friends for?"
"Yup just leave it to us no need to worry." Rangiku replied cheerfully, smothering Soi-Fon into her massive boobs.
Soi-Fon smiled even though she was losing oxygen fast, she was happy to know she did have friends to help her out. Maybe they were right, men are clueless, she hadn't dated many men before Kuji but she had long ago figure out how men were idiotic, too prideful, clueless creatures. I don't care how clueless he is, if he misses my wedding, he is dead; she thought plotting different ways she was going to murder him and his friends. Especially Kurosaki, he would be the first one to die.
#
"We'll like to check out," Toshiro said handing the blonde female receptionist the keys to hotel room. He didn't notice the evil glare the woman was given him.
"So that's it huh...after all we did." She said tearfully staring at the young captain.
"I don't know what you are talking about..?" He said carefully to the blonde receptionist, who as of today he didn't even know existed.
"Don't act coy with me." She said her voice growing wry. "You think I'm a whore that you can you used at your personally time, and throw me away at your whim. Well I have you know I will no longer be your cheap whore!"
Everyone in the room turned their attention to the very shock and confused captain.
"Not bad," Kenpachi said approvingly, looking the woman up and down.
"I taught you well my student," Shunsui said sagely, pumping his chest out.
"I... ... ...Toshiro said.
The recipients just rolled her eyes in disgust.
"So you don't even remember my name?"
"Uhh..."
"It's Natsumi you jerk! I have you know Mr. Shiro-playa that I don't like when men play with my heart and my emotion!"
"I d-don't even know you...I-I-"
SLAP
She had slap him across the face leaving her hand print on the side of his face. "You will pay for this, I promise you I won't ever forget this Shiro!"
She angrily storming out of the lobby, leaving behind five very confused captains.
The room went silenced but everyone face displayed exactly what they were thinking.
Toshiro eyes widen in shock.
Kenpachi grinned widely
Ichigo held his breath
Shunsui smiled like a Cheshire cat.
Byakuya raised an eyebrow
The baby drooled...a lot
Five minutes later.
"Hahahahahahahah!"
Kenpachi and Ichigo clutched on to each other laughing so hard the room started to shake from their spiritual pressure. Shunsui ranted on about him teaching Toshiro how to be a "playa", and Byakuya who was ignoring the whole scene just wiped the baby mouth with a napkin he had seemly gotten out of thin air.
Toshiro rub the side of his face that was now red, not only from the slap but he was blushing madly from the thought of what he had possible done with the blonde hair woman. Why I get the feeling I won't see the last of her.
#
Natsumi walked down the hall her heels making a loud "thump" sound as she goes. "He think this is over, well Shiro I promise you I will get my revenge." Natsumi said intertwining her finger together diabolically.
#
"Well this day just can't get worse." Toshiro said glumly walking out the hotel. He swore fate really had it in for him. The haircut was one thing, but now he had learned he had possible slept with a woman who appeared to be twice his age. If Rangiku got a wind of this, he knew she would never let him live this down. This is why he would never drink again...EVER
"Hey isn't that Kuji bed," Ichigo said precisely pointing to the roof. They'll look up to where the teen pointed.
Byakuya nodded. "Yes, I do believe so."
"How the hell did his bed get up there." Toshiro inquired before releasing no one would know. He let out a low sigh. He turn his attention to Ichigo and said. "So Kurosaki what should we do first?"
Ichigo scuffed. "I don't know why the hell you are asking me for?"
Toshiro rolled his eyes, he still to this day couldn't understand how the teen manage to defeat Aizen. It hits him that they didn't even have any weapons. Going to Hueco Mundo without any weapons wouldn't be the smartes ideal.
"I guess first we need to go to the Soul Society to retrieve our weapons."
Ichigo folded his arms. "We can't go back there without Kuji."
"We'll just have to sneak in grab our weapons and get out," Toshiro suggested still rubbing his now swollen face. At this moment he was happy he didn't date girls- not like was was homosexual or anything. He just didn't have time for the drama.
"So you thought you could steal my girl and get away with it," an unfamiliar voice chimed in. The soul reapers spun around to see five men all dressed in biker gear. The one who shouted wore a bandanna that said "leader" on it.
"You know who you are!" The leader said angrily, staring at a certain soul reaper..
They looked among themselves before their eyes landed on the white hair captain. Feeling everyone attention on him Toshiro rolled his eyes.
The leader pointed but not at Toshiro but at Kenpachi. Kenpachi looked around before pointing to himself. "Yeah you eye patch. You think you can steal my girl? Well nobody comes in my hood and thinks the can take my girl."
Why and how thugs there were thugs in the soul society was beyond questioning.
"Eh, I don't know what you're talking about," Kenpachi replied dryly.
"Oi, don't act like you don't remember last night".
"I don't."
"We'll let me remind you." He snaps his finger, each of the thugs jump into different poses, the wind blowing their hair and a light from an unknown source beams on them. "We are the Leaping Fruit cakes."
Silenced and sweat-drops.
"Well that's a pansy name." Kenpachi snorted.
The leader waved his hand in dismissal. "So you have to the count of three to give me back my girl."
"Leave my Ken-Chan alone," another unfamiliar voice chimed in. They turned to see the most beautiful woman ever. She had flawless tan skin, with long blonde hair and blue orbs that could pierce through any man heart. She wore a tight school skirt that showed off her curves with knee-high boots and spaghetti top that flatter her huge chest. Her blue orbs sent a seductive look at all the captains who instantly fell in love with her.
Interruption from the story
Fan fiction God: Umm...Illusive Vixen you do know that she sounds like a Mary-sue right?
Vixen: W-what! No, she is perfect *pumps fist into the air*
Fan Fiction God:*rolls eyes* precisely.
Vixen: Umm...I don't understand...
Fan Fiction God: Flawless skin, men fighting her and the overly used of the word orb. Seriously re-write her or prepare for flame reviews
Vixen:*mumbles* ok I will re-write her...
#
They turned to see a fairly attractive woman wearing an all-white kimono, her unkempt short blue hair dangle in her face beside her brown orbs- I mean eyes. (A/n she was not in any way shape or form a Mary-sue or self-inserted).
"Don't you dare lay a hand on my husband." The blue hair female said.
"Eh look woman you hav-"
Kenpachi was interrupted by the woman who had begun kissing him passionately while the four soul reapers stood their lost for words.
"Kissy," the baby said, Byakuya quickly covered his eyes.
After letting up for air, she placed her hands on her hips. "No need to say no more my husband."
The leader grabbed Yuki's hand "Yuki, why can't we be tighter. I love you baby."
"I need a real man Zuko, and Kenpachi showed me how a real man like in bed." Yuki said seductively biting her bottom lip and going into a rant of sexually poitsion not suitable for children...or teens... Or adults...
The woman continued to rant while Kenpachi stood there very confused; Ichigo and Toshiro looked at the woman in disgust. Shunsui drooled more than the baby, and Byakuya just kept his hands over the child ears.
Zuko cried comically tears. "Yuki pleased, I can become a better man."
The woman waved her hand in dismissal, and turned her back on her ex-lover."Too late I'm a married woman." She said showing her ring. She turned back to Zuko and rose her uniquely strong spiritual pressure."So leave before I get really mad."
The biker men all started to run away while the soul reaper stared still very confused.
"That was quite interesting." Byakuya replied seemly amused. Ichigo and Shunsui nodded in agreement.
"We don't have time for this let's go," Toshiro said walking off, Ichigo, Shunsui and Byakuya followed.
"Eh, don't leave me here with this crazy chick." Kenpachi said but the woman had latch on to him. He tried his hardest not to hurt the woman, pushing her off lightly to the ground. "Look here woman I don't know who-"
Yuki Zaraki." Yuki proclaimed. Kenpachi uncovered eye twitched.
"Look here woman I don't know who you are but I ain't your husband got it?"
Yuki smiled. "Don't act like you forgot." She said sadly noticing his confused expression. She pulled out a marriage license and handed it to him. Kenpachi snatched the paper, and reading the bottom he noticed that it was his indeed his signature.
"Hmm..." He said throwing the paper down and walking away.
"Wait for me dear." Yuki yelled jumping on his back.
The group flashed step all the way back to the society making sure to hide their spiritual pressure.
Yuki tilted her head. "Why are we behind a brush snow-flake."
Toshiro flash an annoyed look at the woman. "That's Captain Hitsugaya to you, and Zaraki why did you let her come?"
Kenpachi shrugged his shoulder. "Well she pretty hot, so I won't mind her."
Toshiro rolled his eyes but continued.
"OK everyone go and retrieve your sword and we meet back here."
They'll nod in agreement and flash step (all excepted Kenpachi who just take giant leaps) to their divisions.
#
Toshiro flash step to his divisions, knowing that Matsumoto would not be in the offices doing paperwork he was in the clear he retrieve his sword and flash steps out of there. Ichigo and Byakuya flash step to Byakuya's home and retrieved their swords. Shunsui decide to take a nap for a while. Kenpachi walked into the eleven divisions, knowing that the division sleeps late, well most of the division.
"Kenny your back." A pink hair girl greeted him, appearing out of nowhere.
Kenpachi walked passed her. "Keep it down Yachiru."
Yachiru then notices that Kenpachi had someone on his back, in her SPOT.
"Who are you?" Yarchiru asked jealously in her tone.
Yuki jumped down holding her hand out. "Yuki Zaraki, I'm Kenpachi wife".
Yachiru tilted her head. "You're married to my Kenny?"
"Yup."
Yachiru look at the woman closely from head to toe, Kenpachi just grinned knowing if anyone could chase Yuki away it's Yachiru.
Yachiru frowned. "Hmm I don't like-"
Before she could finish her sentence the woman pulled a huge bag of candy from her bosom.
"Mommy!" Yachiru gushed hugging her new "mommy" tightly around the waist.
Kenpachi just looked at both of the girls, slightly annoyed he grabbed his sword and walk out the division. He felt both girls clutch on his back laughing and talking about "girl stuff". If Yachiru liked her, he knew he would be stuck with the woman forever.
Great like he needed a second Yachiru.
#
"Is everyone here now?" Toshiro said, noticing Kenpachi late arrival.
Ichigo looked around. "Well Shunsui hasn't come back."
"Forget him we don't have time to wait for him."
"Hey Icchi," Yachiru said, clinging unto Ichigo shoulder.
"Yarchiru what are you doing here?" Ichigo asked, trying to loosen the girl tight grip but head no such luck.
"I'm here with my new beautiful new mommy." Yachiru said cheerfully. She noticed Byakuya and the baby in his hand. Happily jumping off Ichigo shoulder to her next victim.
"Lieutenant Kusajishi," Byakuya said, not affected by her tight grip.
"Who's the baby?"
"His son," Yuki chipped in.
"I'm going to call him drool mouth." Yachiru cheered.
"His name is Tatsubaki!" Byakuya said almost shouting the child new name. Everyone stared at the usually calm and collected noble sudden outburst.
Silence.
"Ok..." Toshiro said. "Did everyone get their swords?"
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Good now let's get to the hollow nest."
"Hey, Ichigo." a unknown voice chirped in.
