The Legend Of Magic,
Book 2,
The Shoeface Cypher,
The Mystery of the Gimli's Part 1
"So what you're telling me, is that you don't actually know jack shit about these Gimli's."
"What are Bimlies Ugly One?"
"... … Is that my name now, really?"
"I don't know, what it is, that you are speaking with your mouth."
"Words, Shoeface, I'm speaking words."
"Ha ha, that is a good one, Ugly One, ha ha ha."
It took all of my inner strength to not strangle him where he stood, the tiny bastard. The problem with Shoeface is that he is a moron. I tried and tried my best to help him understand the words that were coming out of my mouth, which indeed took an awful long time, but every time I got bored, or felt like flaying him alive, I just knocked over one of the vases and plates that he seemed to like so much.
"There... Is a man I know, who is good, at the talking?"
"You nearly had something there Dumb Face, it's a shame, but i'm going to have to kill you now."
"His name... …"
Kill me, kill me now... Or kill him.
"Is Roger. He is a black Scottish samurai. He is also very ugly, ha ha ha. He knows... A lot about, furry things... Red?"
I pushed over another one of his plates, put a bucket on his head and stole a bunch of his maps as I left the shop. I was now to set off on a journey to find out more about the Gimli's. I returned to my noble steed Dorothy, whom had now gained the ability to turn into a speaking quad bike. As I was riding through town, on my quad bike, I suddenly heard the wailing of guitars. Accompanying these guitars were at least three voices singing.
"HERE COMES THE WIZARD!"
A man in a blue robe and hat decorated with stars came riding towards me on a motorcycle, and stopped abruptly in front of me.
"Hey babe! I heard you're looking from some info on the Gimli's."
"Kill your self."
"Wow! Don't you think that's a little bit harsh? Mellow out brosef."
"I still want you to kill yourself."
"Well, alright, but only when I get home. Here's all I know about the Gimli's. But you should keep in mind, that I'm like, totally sure that there's already some adventurers dealing with the problem."
"And they would be?"
"Uhhh... Ehxsolar Faloran the great and awesome warlock. Elora Shantoresas the elf princess of boobs. And the guy with a sword, he's called Frank... He's a hero type."
"Uh huh. Tell me more of these people."
"Well, Ehxsolar is a really powerful warlock, but he never does anything to help, Elora has boobs, and Frank has a sword, he's also very heroic. If you want to help them, they'll probably be in the town across from this one, most likely doing something that paints them as loveable rascals. Bye now."
Once again I heard the voices and wailing guitars as he left on his motorcycle riding through the streets.
"THERE GOES THE WIZARD!"
I hopped on my quad bike/horse and rode off like a pimp to the next town.
When i arrived in the next town I was welcomed by a town crier speaking about the Horrors of the brothers Lorephel the evil and kind of nasty, and his brother, Samuel. I heard of the stories of the magical terrors they inflicted on people, then I got bored and went to the nearest tavern for a drink. My reasoning was this; most adventurers like to boast about the fact that they're awesome, so they're probably doing some stupid shit in the tavern rather than actually stopping the Gimli's from murderizing anyone. When walking into the tavern I found the warlock and human sitting in the VIP area that was separated with the help by red velvet ropes and two body guards wearing shades and pimp ass suits. The girl Elora seemed to be at the other end of the tavern looking at herself in the mirror. I went over and sat next to the two behind the rope. The boy, Frank, didn't care as he was still looking at the elf across the room. The warlock, however, said, "Who the hell are you?"
"Adventurer."
"That's nice, but we don't need any more of those, we've got the basics covered here."
"I can see that, but can the basics get the job done? From where I'm sitting they can't, after all... You let... Jillian die... Sweet... Innocent Jirrian."
"... Yeah i don't know who Jillian is, but he sounds dumb."
"No, let her stay Ehxsoalr." Said Frank with a distant look on his face as he gazed at the elf girl some more, while holding a local girl on his lap and making out with her, and guzzling down some beer at more or less the same time. The warlock was balancing a spoon on his nose and the elf girl was adjusting her rack in the mirror. I had made my mind up... This was my adventuring party, these were my allies.
"Can i join you guys?"
"..."
"..."
"Kay."
"Sweet. High five."
The warlock reluctantly lifted his hand to mine as Frank, the hero, gave him a death stare for not immediately returning the kind gesture of a high five.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys... Can i join the party too?"
Said a tree that had magically appeared in the middle of the room.
"No."
"Ohhhhhhhh, okay."
It disappeared.
