Collins stopped by today. A visit from Collins is always a good time. It's great just listening to him talk, because even the most trivial crap sound important and he can just go on for a while and all I have to do is sit there and listen.

I guess I was acting strangely, because he stopped right in the middle of his theory on how Star Wars compares to the rise of virtual reality.

"It seems so easy and simple to just go along with it. But in the end it will wrap us all up and enslave our minds like one of those Jedi mind tricks...Hey Mark, you ok man?"

I looked up, apparently I had been staring off into space through his whole talk. "What...oh, yeah, yeah I'm fine." I lied.

"You seem to forget who I am, Mark." Collins said. "I can tell when you're lying, and right now it's blatantly obvious. What's going on Marky boy?" Collins asked me.

I immediately turned red when he said this, it's what Roger has started calling me. "It's nothing...I mean, there is something wrong," I said at the look on his face. "But it really isn't important." I finished, looking at the floor.

I wasn't sure I wanted Collins to know. On the other hand, Collins was very smart and gave very good advice. I figured, if I was vague as to who it was, he could help me out a bit.

"Hey Collins..." I said.

"Yeah?" He said, looking interestedly at me. He knew that I was going to crack.

"Well, um" I said, finding it difficult to phrase it correctly. "Er, well, what do you think about homosexuality? I mean..." I tried to correct myself, seeing the smirk on Collins' face. "Do you think that having an attraction to a man, and never have done so before...does that make me gay? And if I'm not gay, why am I attracted to this person?" I said. These are questions I had been pondering for the past month or so. I hoped that, in Collins' endless store of wisdom, he might have the answer.

"Well" Collins said, thinking for a second, as though wondering how best to say what he was thinking. "I've never really believed in the gay/straight differentiation." He said. I nod my head, eager to hear more. I almost hold my breath as he opened his mouth to speak. Collins noticed this and smiled, glad to have an eager audience.

"I believe that, as humans, we all have the capacity to be attracted to both sexes. Some find stronger attractions to one gender than to another. Some people are so opressed by society that they don't see an attraction to the same sex that is there. Hell, some people go their lives, finding attraction to only one gender." He said. I nodded, enthralled.

"But I believe that it is the soul of the person that you are attracted to, not the appearance. The same goes for male/female as well as attractive/unattractive." Collins finished, he looked up at me. "Does that help you at all?"

God, he has no idea what a life saver he is. I gave him a hug, and thanked him for his advice. It helped more than he could imagine. After that he had to leave, I smiled as he wished me luck and walked out of the loft. I'm lucky to have that man as a friend.


I've seen Roger a few times again, and each time I'm more certain of my feelings. The hard part is finding out if he'll feel the same for me too. Somehow I doubt he will, so I have to find out a way that doesn't give away to him. It sounds confusing, and rather nuts, but that's also how I'm feeling right now so I guess it works out.

If I'm sounding kind of weird, eccentric, it's because I've never been so sure about anything in my life as I am now.

Well, I have a lot to think about, so I'll leave it here for now.


Maybe it's just me being hopeful, but I thought I caught a vibe from Roger today. I only caught a glimpse of him as he was leaving to go out for the night, but as he was saying goodbye to me, he flashed me a sort of strange smile.

Again, it might just be me being hopeful, but I definatly get the feeling that there's something there. I just wish I had the courage to say something about it to him. It makes me nervous and excited just thinking about it.

Well, Roger had a late night last night, therefore I did too. I might as well get some sleep now before he comes back with god knows who and ruins sleep as an option to me. I'll be back if anything important happens.

How the fuck can everything go to hell at once. Not sure exactly what happened, my head is still spinning, all I know is that Roger left again and I'm not sure if he's coming back. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! I need a couple hours to think about all this, then I'll be back.

Ok, ok I'm back. I think I can think clearly enough to get this down. Ok, here's what happened.

I had gone out today, because I hadn't just gone out and walked around the city in a while. So I came back and Roger was there. There seemed to be something wrong, it looked like he was crying. I walked over to him. He didn't want me there, as he told me to fuck off once more.

"What" I said "I'm just trying to help."

"Well I don't need any fucking help. I'm fine." Roger said.

"Fine? Roger, you're crying!" I said exasperatedly.

"I'm not fucking crying!" Roger yelled.

"Jesus Rog, you can't do this to yourself." I said. "Don't supress your feelings, don't hide them. It's not a sin to cry!" I yelled, matching his volume.

He looked at me, breathing heavily, looking so miserable and utterly depressed. Before I could stop myself I leaned in and kissed him softly. I had been thinking about this moment for such a long time, it was everything I had thought it would be and more. Everything about him was rough, his chapped lips, his stubble, but it felt so good.

After a few seconds that felt like a blissful lifetime, Roger seemed like he was going along with it. Instead he pushed me away quite violently.

"No, it's not fucking ok!" Roger says, yelling once more.

I was too thrown off by the sudden end to the kiss to say anything coherent.

"But Roger I..." Was all I could say.

"Oh yeah. I bet you thought that you could just come in and kiss everything away. The amazing Mark and he's here to save poor depressed Roger. Well it doesn't work like that." Roger yelled, nearly screaming.

I tried to reason with him. "It's not like that..." I sputtered out.

"Shut up, just shut the fuck up. You have no fucking clue what it's like to go through the shit I've been through. You think it's so bad to have your girlfriend dump you? Try having one commit suicide and the other waste away right in front of your eyes without being able to do anything about it!" he yells.

I stared at Roger for a few seconds before the full impact of what he said hit me.

"I never said that I had it worse, I have always been there for you. And April and Mimi were my friends too!" I answered back. But Roger wasn't to be outdone.

"You never helped me. You were always there to tell me what to fucking do, but you never helped me. It was always, 'You need to get out more often.' Then it was, 'You can't fucking sleep with her cause I don't approve.' Well fuck your charity, fuck your advice and fuck you Mark. FUCK YOU!" Roger screamed.

I couldn't speak, I was too hurt to do anything. I saw him turn around and walk out the door.

"And him fucking telling me not to hide my god damn emotions. Who is he to say anything..." His voice seemed to trail off as he got further away, closing the door and rushing out of the building. I could still hear him, but I couldn't tell you what he was saying.

I just don't understand how that could have happened. What did I do, what did I say? I don't know, I just hope he comes back.