Unleashing the Animal


Part 3

Unleashing the Animal


10.

In the weeks of September, Jacob had been adhering to his workout routine and meal plan, much to his own surprise. He thought he would have given up after two weeks. Much to his own satisfaction though, not only did he follow it all without much trouble, he actually enjoyed following it. What's more, he even liked monitoring his body fat percentage and weight. He loved the cooking, too, and he loved eating food of which he knew what was in it and how it had been prepared. In the process he had even come up with some tasty recipes for tuna and chicken salads that he not only loved to make, but enjoyed eating even more.

By all means, the banishment of processed foods and ridiculous amounts of fat had served him well. As a result, by the time it was October, he had visibly become more muscular, even if he wasn't nearly where he wanted to be yet. He'd have to continue with the meal plans and the workouts as per his plans for at least two more cycles to get in the vicinity of the result that he hoped for.

Just as a friendly reminder, he had hung up a photograph of Kellan Lutz in his role of the werewolf, from The Dawnbreak Saga. One in which he was half-naked, so that every wonderful muscle in that delicious torso was exposed. Jacob saw it when he woke up, when he had a lunch and when he sat down for dinner.

That body is the reason I'm doing this workout, he tended to think. Of course there were other reasons, such as the desire to have a healthier "body and mind", although that still sounded to him as new age crap. Really, it was the desire to have a more filled-up shirt that kept Jacob going. He himself found it beautiful, but he suspected that his type of guy would appreciate it also.

Now, it was time to let his Budapest decision come to fruition: he was going to find himself a guy. Not for something serious though; he wasn't at all up for that. Right now it felt like he was in second phase of puberty. He basically wanted to fool around and have fun, the only condition being that the guys looked good. As always though, things were not quite so straightforward as Jacob initially thought, much of the complexity coming from his own feelings and thoughts, which rocked from one extreme to another like a ship in a storm. His ship, which, even though earlier it seemed that it would get irrevocably lost at sea, eventually had faired all right and was still afloat, battered and broken, navigating the oceans of his mind with a stormy, excited happiness.

But where does one start to look for other gay men? Websites seemed like the easiest route, but Jacob was never quite a fan of such media. He wanted to speak to the people in person, so that he could read their faces and poll their intonation as they spoke. In his hometown there were a few gay bars, but he didn't really have anybody to go there with, so that he ended up not doing anything at all. One evening he sat at his desk, staring into the void that was his blue computer desktop, and he sighed.

I will have to go to these websites. It's the easiest place for a newcomer like me….

Nervously he entered the URL of one website he knew, and pressed enter. Immediately he was presented with pinkness. Jacob made a face at that: pink was one of his most hated colours. Still, he pressed on as he bravely clicked the "register" button, and started filling out the required form to get himself into the community.

After about an hour, he still wasn't done yet. Not because the form was overly long, but because he wanted to pick just the right username. His usual one didn't really suffice: he wanted something that gave a hint as to who he was without disclosing anything. And of course every time he came up with a witty pun, it had already been taken. Like Homo sapiens: there were at least five people with that name or something similar. At some point he considered Homo erectus, but that just seemed a bit too 'in your face'. In the end, deprived of any good idea, he decided to go for a combination of initials and birth year, like so many had done before him. He wasn't satisfied, still thinking Homo sapiens would have been the best, but what could he do…. At least he had a profile – which now had to be filled with additional data.

The stuff one could fill in was of a class Jacob didn't quite expect. If anything was 'dick-driven', it had to be this website. Not so much because one could choose sizes, but it came pretty close. There even was a category "hairiness", besides quite generic categories like "age" and "length". Jacob elected to fill in most of the blanks, but kept some things to himself. He rounded it off with several carefully selected pictures that were also available on his Facebook profile. That way he wouldn't be putting up any new stuff on the Internet. After about two hours of clicking, typing and nervous hesitation, he had completed and finished his profile. It was amazing the website hadn't returned a time-out error, so long had it taken him to complete the final steps of the registration process.

The next day, he had a host of views and several messages. Sadly, none of them were particularly beautiful, but he was quite generous in giving people a chance. And so he struck up conversations. Of these however, there was only one guy that was sufficiently interesting. The guy was from a nearby town, his parents originally being from Venezuela. Truth be told, the conversation wasn't that interesting. It was okay-ish, and after a few rounds of sending messages, a date was set to meet up.

They had agreed that the guy would come over to Jacob's for supper and some drinks. And that's what happened: the evening had started off a bit hesitantly, and Jacob hadn't felt quite at home with this quite obvious poof sitting next to him. But, as the bottle of wine got emptier, their lust was filled up. When finally they found themselves cuddling each other on Jacob's small balcony, the kissing had started. A few minutes later, they were in bed, hugging, kissing and touching each other all over the place.

Not much more had happened that night, though. Jacob had broken it off, seemingly not content with the guy, the guy's moves and, quite frankly, the guy's size. He had felt bad for him; he basically rejected him for something he couldn't remedy. Determined yet in doubt, for Jacob was happy not to have done anything with this kid, he felt bad for being so 'physical' in his demands. But then again, this date was just about the physical, so he didn't feel like he could be blamed for anything either….

When the guy had left, Jacob sat on his bed in his quiet apartment, staring at the empty bottle of wine and the dirty dishes. This had been his first true contact with another man. It wasn't a disappointment; not at all! It was the first time he honestly wanted to do something with another person. And not just for his own gain – to relieve himself and such – but also because he wanted the other party to enjoy it.

This whole concept had been quite unfamiliar to him. Only now did he realize that sex with Bella had been something completely different. It had always been about him, even when he had said to her that she should be enjoying it too. She had smiled at him, and said something like "thank you", genuinely surprised that this was the way it ought to be. It had never crossed her mind, apparently. And still, immediately afterwards, Jacob had still focused on one thing: his own desires. The wolf always wanted to end on top. At least, with Bella it did….

As he sat on the bed and realized that, he felt bad for her. Her memory was fading quickly but still lingered in his mind after those months. The speed with which he was forgetting her was quite astounding. That in itself made Jacob feel bad. They had been together 9 months, and judging from his reaction, it would seem Jacob didn't care very much that it hadn't worked out in the end. On the other hand, considering that he is gay and probably didn't ever love her in earnest, how could one even expect otherwise. Even so, it felt like betrayal. When two people part after such a long time, it should hurt, right? Sure, hurt it did, but only for a few days. After that, the hurt subsided quickly, and within two weeks he was pretty much himself again. It seemed selfish to him, but it also didn't seem like he could honestly do something about it. The episode had come and gone; all he could so was turn off the TV and go to bed, quiet the thoughts in his mind, close his eyes and let the misty veil of sleep cloud his tired eyes. And so he did. Fifteen minutes later he was asleep.

The next few days he couldn't let the thought of Bella loose, though. After that particular night with that guy, and feeling those seemingly new emotions of sexual involvement in another person, he wanted to see Bella again, just to know how she faired. She had talked about not continuing studies because she didn't know what she wanted to do anyway. Instead, she'd do nothing. Work, she said she would do, at the hotel she had been working for a few years already. It seemed like a very honest yet naïve plan. On the other hand, at least she wasn't spending heaps of money doing something she anyway didn't enjoy. Earning some money instead seemed like the better option, even if it was cooking vegetables in a hotel, a job that, admittedly, paid lousily.

That same day, Jacob contacted Bella on Facebook, and received a message after only a few minutes. They shared a quick status update over Facebook chat before Jacob finally suggested they meet up. Bella was happy to, and they decided to meet that weekend, at a local bar.

They sat in the bar, talking, for several hours, discussing all that had happened since their break-up. The reunion was a happy one: no resentment, anger or sadness filled the air. Both had accepted what had happened and were leading their life the way it came to them. Jacob was surprised to see that Bella didn't even wince at his gay adventures. If anything, she showed a genuine interest that Jacob had not expected in the least. Most people would feel noticeably uncomfortable. They would look away from Jacob, or at the very least would have this kind of seemingly neutral yet wholly displeased expression on their face. Not Bella. All in all, she reacted very well. Perhaps, even though it seemed strange in a way, she was relieved that the relationship ended because of Jacob being gay. At least it wasn't her fault. It was doomed to end one way or another, and they had enjoyed a good run as long as it lasted. That's what Jacob imagined, anyway. He hadn't dared ask Bella about it and she didn't volunteer any information. She seemed calm and at rest, which was what Jacob found the most important.

With that, the last of his straight life had seemingly ended. A chat in a bar and a luke-warm goodbye with the last thing that bound him to the 'old ways'; that was it. After seeing her off he went home, calm and content.


11.

"You've been on how many dates now?"

Seth curiously leaned his head to one side, sitting on his soft, red couch, a milky sun shining through his apartment's windows, a cocky grin on his face. Jacob gazed blankly at him while busy counting in his head, trying to remember the guys.

"Well, not more than three, I guess." Jacob recounted and then nodded, as if to give his approval of the calculation.

"And with how many did you have sex?" That question wasn't hard to answer.

"Two. Sounds like a small number, doesn't it? Still, compared to the period before I came out, it's quite a lot, given the time span."

Seth frowned. "So you fucked almost all the guys you were on a date with?"

A bit ashamed with the conclusion, Jacob ducked Seth's prying eyes. Instead, he quietly looked out the window. It had been mostly cloudy with a touch of sunshine that day, but right now it was yet again drizzling.

Miserable weather, Jacob thought to himself, shifting his focus, glancing back at Seth with only his eyes. Seth was fiddling with one of the chords of his hoody.

It was now end of November. He had been going out for roughly two months. The time had been great; he couldn't recall feeling so free in a long time. The past year had been quite crazy, so full of conflict and emotional upheaval that it seemed like ages ago since he had simply sat down.

And yet. He couldn't ignore the fact that he was not a hundred percent happy. The feeling was quite paradoxical and admittedly annoyed Jacob, but it kept stinging him like a splinter under a nail.

Jacob looked up from his ruminations and glanced at Seth. He seemed conflicted, one thought after the other making an appearance on his troubled face, but he was unable to speak any of them. Finally though, he mustered some courage.

"It's been a few months now since you came out. Can I ask… how do you feel about all that happened? Do you regret being gay at all?"

Jacob smirked. If the question had been phrased differently, it would have been as outrageous as it was understandable. All too often, people assumed that being gay was a choice. This kind of question usually reflected that notion. The question, as phrased by Seth, was not like that though.

Did he regret being gay? Funnily enough, that was precisely the question he had been asking himself for the past two weeks. As he thought his answer over, he recalled two dreams he had had in particular. In one he was a gymnastics teacher; or at least, he was a normal student, but fulfilled that function part-time at his university's sports centre. At the end of one class, his boss walked over to him, and told him bluntly: "I'm afraid we can't have you as a teacher anymore, because you're gay." Jacob recalled how, in the dream, he just stared at his boss blankly. After a few moments, he had walked away, feeling utterly humiliated, angry and depressed. In that same dream something like it had already occurred, though in that particular case, he had almost beaten the perpetrator to death. While he had felt the urge to do the same to his boss, he didn't. No idea why; it probably didn't seem like the best thing to do.

The other dream took everything a step further. Although 'being gay' had never really entered the dream, he knew it was intricately linked to that fact. In this dream, he had voluntarily signed up at a mental institution. 'So he could talk things over with professionals'. He remembered waking up from that dream, stricken with horror and dread; pretty much the way he had woken up from the other dream. But it was true: he had thought of going to a psychologist on several occasions. He never did it because he always ended up wondering what he should be talking about. There wasn't a lot to say….

Jacob sighed. "Do I regret being gay?" He looked down at the floor as the memories of those dreams poured back into his consciousness, making him tremble with a sudden fear. He gazed back up, at Seth. "Difficult question".

That answer took Seth off guard, so much was evident. He was probably expecting a resounding "no". His face opened up with an expression of surprise, his eyes widening and his mouth falling open ever so slightly. "Oh?" he reacted.

Jacob nodded slowly, thinking his next words over, choosing them carefully. "Yes." He frowned and leaned over quietly.

"Let's face it: being gay is difficult in this world. In our country it's relatively simple, but there's still too many countries where gays are sent to prison for life. And from what I understand, while the west is opening up to gays, the east and south are closing down all the time. Russia is putting in law after law that make it impossible for gays to live a normal life. Africa hates gays almost collectively. Needless to say that religious people tend to hate gays, and I read a few days ago that more and more school children – 80% now in some schools – use the word "homo" as a curse. By all means, being straight is a lot simpler. It's less threatening and less problematic."

Jacob paused momentarily as his gaze drooped and he stared at the wooden floor of Seth's apartment for a minute. "Yeah," he continued with a soft voice, almost as if talking to himself. "Being gay sucks. Everybody seems to hate you. And the only times I felt excepted as a human being – a gay human being – was at gay-oriented events; when I was surrounded 'by my kind'. Still though; still I don't regret being gay."

Jacob suddenly looked at Seth sharply, his gaze piercing Seth's with such intensity that Seth got a bit nervous, shuffling uneasily from side to side on the couch. Finally, Jacob sighed and shook his head.

"Even though the question is really complex, I can give a simple, straightforward answer. The answer is a definite no – I sure as hell do not regret being gay. But that answer is as simple as it is misleading."

Seth looked at Jacob questioningly, finally asking why that was the case. It seemed simple enough. "Are you actually regretting being gay, then," he finally asked. Jacob shook his head in response. "No; no, it's not like that." Jacob repositioned himself before continuing.

"See, If you ask me whether I regret being gay, you indirectly ask me whether I wouldn't want to be straight instead. And believe me, I did think about that. Asking myself if it wouldn't be easier; if it wouldn't be more straightforward. But you know what? Thinking about being straight always makes me feel like I'd be walking around missing my arms. I'd feel depraved of the one thing that identifies me like nothing else does. And you know why I'd feel that way? Because I'm gay."

"I know, that's a brilliant example of circular reasoning, and however stupid it sounds, it's nevertheless the truth. I can't think about being straight because I'm gay. My thinking is gay, my conduct is gay, and there's no way you're going to get that out of my system. The result is that, even when I'm doing my best, I just can't think like a straight man, because it implies thinking about women. If there's anything I'm less interested in, then it's women. Behavioural biology also scores highly, but women are definitely less interesting. Being straight just doesn't seem any fun to me."

"I get that," Seth replied, "but if you think about it in an abstract way?" Jacob shook his head in annoyance, his eyes darting back to meet Seth's gaze.

"Don't you get it? I can't think of it in an abstract way. While I can deduce with my mind that being straight is better in this relatively gay-hating world, my heart overrides that deduction easily by telling me the one thing I know for sure: that women just don't do it for me; men do. It's men that I want. As I said, being straight just doesn't seem like fun to me. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with boobs anyway?!"

Seth laughed at that comment and Jacob's squeezing motions as he cupped his pectorals, as if he were squeezing boobs. "Really, I have no idea what you find so attractive about them. It's just lumps of fat dancing around there, how on earth can that be attractive?"

Seth grinned at those comments. They seemed as ludicrous as they were understandable to him, as they were coming from a gay man. It didn't seem like Jacob was finished though. He heaved a sigh and took a breath before he continued.

"The reason I can't think about being straight in abstract terms isn't necessarily because I'm gay though. The fact that women don't excite me isn't the main reason. The main reason is that I already tried being straight once. Or rather, I was straight because I didn't realize I was gay."jaocb shook his head as he recollected those times. "It was horrible, Seth. An endless, deep, black pit of self-doubt."Jacob sighed, leaning his head on the palm of his hand.

"You don't know what it is to walk around, fantasizing about women without feeling anything. And all your friends keep pointing out to you those 'delicious pieces of meat', saying that you ought to talk to them; get their number; fuck 'em. But, you don't feel like doing so. And then, when you have overcome the initial doubts and find yourself on a great date with a great girl… picture yourself snuggling together on her bed, all comfy and cosy, watching TV. You inch ever closer, wrap your arm around her tender shoulders, and… nothing. You just feel nothing. Now you doubt your actions of course. Are you doing something wrong? Is something wrong with her perhaps?"

Jacob drooped his head momentarily before continuing in a soft voice: "Hunted by your fears, the eternal prey of your own doubt." He then raised his gaze again to meet Seth's lingering stare.

"At the time I always wondered why I doubted myself. I know I don't scare easily of such things. I've always been quite aggressive with asking people out. But that's exactly the point: whenever I was with a girl, I never really wanted to do anything with them. Not really, anyway. The abstract notion of having sex with them was nice, but only in the way of being able to say that I did it. And that's where the doubt always started. Always this on-going battle between my heart telling me it didn't feel right, and my mind urging me to have sex; because that's what men do: they do women." Jacob's head slowly drooped, but he raised it again as he continued speaking.

"If there really is such a thing, then this is the purest form of the battle between heart and mind that I have ever experienced."

Jacob erected himself again and leaned into the soft cushions of Seth's couch. The red velvet felt soft against his bare arms and shoulders – he was wearing a tanktop; or a 'wifebeater', as they called it in 'Murica according to a former American roommate of his. Since a few weeks he'd started to wear them. It made him feel gay, and that feeling made him feel good. Made him feel proud; proud that he dared show who he was.

"Do you see why your question is difficult?" Jacob asked, and Seth returned a slow nod while Jacob resumed his monologue.

"I'm hopelessly biased because I lived the life of a straight man while I was gay; that felt horrible. Now that I know that I'm gay, there is nothing in the world that would make me swear off being gay. I'd be mad! Finally I found the object that excites me; finally I know who I am; finally I have feelings of hope, yearning and love for other people that isn't based on family ties. All that doubt I had about asking women out is gone when I approach a man to ask him out. That doubt is gone because I now know and understand what I want, and every fibre in my body urges me to go for it. Instead of battling all the time, my heart and mind are in line – "in sync" – and I have never felt more at ease, relaxed and at peace than now. You have no idea how blissfully liberating it feels. I feel saved, like light rays protruding down to the deepest, darkest corners of my being; and here you ask me if I regret being gay. Do you see why my answer can never, ever be 'yes'?" Again Seth nodded quietly.

"Even in the face of gay bashing, my people's name being used as a curse and multiple countries wanting to lock me up in the darkest corners of the filthiest prison they could possibly put me in, it's impossible for me to ever regret being gay. Too much good has come to me from it to ever be overridden by any negativity."

Jacob paused and stared out the window thoughtfully. In a darker, more sinister tone, he resumed: "I will say one thing about the hatred against gays though: it does not cause me to hate myself. I know there's a lot of gays out there that do – hate themselves that is – for what they are. But for me it's different. If anything, it causes me to hate the world back. A violent hatred, even," Jacob said softly, thinking about the dreams he had had.

"It's got to do a lot with fairness and what's right. Ultimately, it's about not being accepted as the human being that I am, and that notion enrages me. Dislike me all you want for my manners, opinions, choices or habits, but at least accept me for my race, look, ancestry and sexuality. Those are traits that I can't change. Even if I really wanted to, it's not possible. It's who I am. Hating me for it is unacceptable to me to the point where I start feeling my blood boil. It's just not fair, you know?"

All through that speech, at least up to the point where gay hatred got into the story, Jacob had sat up on the couch, his body erect, back straightened and chin held high. His eyes twinkled with an enthusiastic spark that occasionally had made his body tremble slightly under the weight of intense bliss freeing itself from his vocal chords. Seth nodded and smiled freely. It was good seeing his friend free of troubles and worries after such a long time of misery, and he felt good for him. Once gay hatred got in, however, Jacob noticeably slumped back into his prior posture, and a flicker of violent anger had appeared in his eyes on more than one occasion. His fists were clenched as he spat out those last words. Jacob stared blankly out the window.

"There's a conflict going on here of which I'm really getting sick of." Jacob turned his gaze sharply to meet Seth's eyes.

"I really want to be who I am, wherever I am. I want to be gay without feeling threatened. That feeling I told you about that I have when I'm at gay-oriented events? I want to always feel that way. If I had a boyfriend, I'd want to walk with him down the street, holding hands, sit down on a bench and kiss him without having to be scared that somebody might punch me for it."

He paused for a short while as he considered his next words. "So, I made a decision, not entirely brought on by Kellan Lutz."

Seth sniggered at that. Knowing Jacob, whatever the idea was, it had probably been provoked by some movie or scene with Kellan Lutz in it, and this rationalization had followed only later. Nevertheless, Seth recollected his thoughts and listened to Jacob.

"I want to take martial arts classes. I'm not sure yet what martial art it'll be, though I'm thinking of kickboxing."

This announcement had come as a surprise to Seth, though in hindsight it was perfectly logical considering the intro…

"So that's for self-defence purposes then, I assume?" Seth asked. Jacob nodded in reply.

"In principle, yes. And of course it's awesome to jump and kick and be able to beat like that". Both of them grinned as Seth nodded in agreement.

"Kind a cool, I must say. Hope you're not going to practice on me though!" Seth quickly retorted. Jacob waved that off.

"Nah, 'course not," he said with a grin, but then added: "Unless you anger me, in which case I'll be happy to kick your ass." They both laughed at the comment.

"It's still a long way off from that point, though. I'm a complete novice. The weight training has made me stronger, but I know nothing of self-defence. It will probably be tough in the beginning, but I'm looking forward to it. I find it all quite exciting" Jacob smiled as he said that.

"I don't necessarily want to fight people though, I just want to know that I can beat people up if a situation would arise in which that would be necessary. It's all about feeling secure. When I feel secure, I will be able to be who I want to be in public: a gay man."

They remained silent for a while as both of them let their thoughts linger. Seth considered Jacob's words, and decided to leave gay hatred for what it was, going on instead about the goodness of knowing who you are.

"Pity you didn't know earlier, eh," he replied, grinning sarcastically, his head dropping down but his eyes fixed on Jacob, who was now leaning back into the soft cushions again. In response, Jacob leaned his head on his arm, looked down at the floor and sighed, then raised his gaze to meet that of Seth.

"Funny you'd say that. I actually could have known easily. The signs were there at 14, but I didn't understand them. I just didn't realize it back then; that process took me six years. If not for my lack of interest in women, then frankly I could have known because of something else; something so crystal clear that sometimes it infuriates me that the true realization – when it finally dawned on me – only came a few months ago."

Seth looked at Jacob with a confused look and question marks in his eyes. Jacob continued: "Porn," he said, softly, with a hint of shame in his voice. Seth nodded, as if feeling to what this would lead. His head was slightly tilted to one side as he frowned and his look conveyed confused curiosity.

"You're the first and last person I will ever tell this, Seth, so please, handle this information with care." Seth nodded, all too eager to hear what was going to come. Jacob sighed and momentarily closed his eyes.

"In my whole life, I have never – I repeat, never – watched 'straight' porn. I have only watched gay porn. I never even dared search for straight porn. The thought of watching men having sex with women was simply too vulgar to bear. Every time I thought about it, I felt dirty. If anything, it made me feel the opposite of aroused. It simply wasn't right. But gay porn, well… that was something else! Nothing vulgar about it, nothing dirty – and hot as hell! It felt like the only way itshould be – the only way it could be. Still does, too. And the kicker is that I already felt like that back then, when I was 14."

Seth's mouth had slowly opened in surprise at that statement, and like that, his mouth half open, he slowly shook his head in silence. Jacob continued.

"Can you imagine? From those early days, I was already watching gay porn. And never did I realize that I'm gay. In all honesty, the thought had sort of crossed my mind on a number of occasions, but I simply discarded the idea with a vague 'nah, can't be, pretty sure I'm not the only guy watching this', which of course is complete bullshit. Most men shudder at the thought alone, in a similar way that I shudder at the thought of straight porn. I'd blame it on the fact that my emotional development was stymied when I was about 13, and only restarted when I was about 16. In those years I was a shy, terrified boy, always scared somebody would come up to me and show me 'who's the boss'. I guess I didn't really think about sex and relationships, even if all the kids around me were obsessed by it."

Jacob glanced outside, folding his legs over each other. Seth sat at the tip of the couch, his head extended far forward, mouth still half open and eyes popping out of his skull. Their gazes met as Jacob glanced upward. He stayed silent for a minute, in which Seth restored enough to say something himself.

"Amazing how you changed in the past year, and good to know you don't regret it. The reason I asked is because I wasn't sure how you'd felt about it all. I know some would ask it because they'd feel that being gay is wrong, but I assure you that's not why I asked. Just wanted to know how you are holding up." Jacob smiled at that, while Seth continued.

"Makes me wonder how your life would have been if you had realized at that age." Jacob frowned momentarily.

"If that had been the case, I might have responded with 'yes' to your question, since I wouldn't have known what it is to lead a straight life in a gay man's body. I wouldn't have had this grand revelation, nor would I have felt the happiness of finally understanding who and what I am. My personality would have been shaped completely differently. It's possible that I would have hated being gay."

Seth considered that thought. "Yeah, I guess. That sounds eerily familiar though. I remember your initial reactions after you found out and came out to me. You really weren't thrilled about it at all. If anything, you were heart-broken."

There was a big truth to that thought, Jacob realized as he stared at Seth. Thinking about the period before he came out felt like thinking about a completely different person – one that had no idea about himself; who was just living a dream.

Pathetic, really, Jacob thought with a smirk. That guy lived a lie, basically. And that episode with Bella? He wouldn't go as far as saying it was disgusting, but it was distasteful to say the least. And all the while that guy was thinking How come the sex isn't any good? He thought he wanted a more energetic woman, something Mediterranean perhaps. Well what do you know, you're gay dude! It wasn't female pep he longed for; it was muscular strength. Jacob chuckled at the thought, causing Seth to stir. He was still waiting for Jacob to answer him. Jacob noticed that as he raised his head to glance at Seth.

"It's funny in all its tragedy. You know, that day at the airport, back in April, and later that week at the bar in Stockholm? It felt like the ground shifted away from under my feet. Like I was hovering in the ice cold air of Antarctica, held in place by an invisible hand, then mercilessly dropped a hundred miles before hitting the freezing water, left to drown in the confusing mess that had suddenly, out of nowhere, become my life. That moment, when you realize that whoever you are, doesn't really exist in that way you always thought is a moment of... I'm not even sure what it was. I felt dread in my stomach; I felt sick to my very core." Seth was looking at Jacob with fascinated worry as Jacob continued his monologue.

"Fascinating how I was a completely different person back then. I felt like the entire world had betrayed me, as if danger lured from all corners of the room and there was no way to escape. And how could I even," Jacob asked to nobody in particular, throwing his hands up in the air in a dramatic gesture of faked helplessness.

"The thing I was trying to escape from was myself; my own gayness. And in that attempt to escape, I started drinking. God knows how much money I spent on that. Hell, I think I actually got most of my drinks from friends. I didn't mind, of course. I just kept chugging, desperately trying to get rid of that heavy load on my shoulders. Boy, did that slap me in the face in the end. Yeah, it'd be an understatement to say that I felt miserable. But thank god that's over now."

Jacob sighed. He momentarily looked down at the floor as he fumbled with one of the cords of his hoody that lay beside him on the couch. He then raised his gaze to look over at Seth, who looked at him intently, nodding ever so slightly as if to approve the conclusion of the story. He smiled. Jacob smiled back.

"You do know you are my best friend, right? Without getting sentimental, I hope you know I love you. As a friend, of course, but… well you get the gist I guess. I wouldn't know how I would have turned out without your listening ear, advice and help." Seth just smiled, nodded.

"Of course I know. It was nothing, and I'd do it again a hundred times if necessary."

Inside Seth's student apartment, the air felt cleared and light as they stared at each other. Both their gazes radiated a soothing calmness. Outside, the last clouds had disappeared and the sun, an orange orb, was setting.


12.

Finally this year was about to end. It had been long and cruel, and Jacob was happy it was over. A new year was about to start: 2013, and this year was going to be better. Jacob knew it. It had to be. Another '2012' would be a disaster as he remembered the pain, hurt and endless torture of March, April, May, June and July, until finally, sometime in August, he broke down and got it all out of his system.

Now it was the end of December. Amazing how fast the last months had gone, how much he had seen and experienced. It seemed like the small, petrified boy he had been in January had grown into a much more self-conscious, knowledgeable man. Feeble as he had been, so strong did he feel now, knowing full well what he wanted and how he wanted it. And on top of all that, his dietary changes and intense exercising had given him a body that much more closely resembled the body of his fantasies. With that, he might actually have a chance of attracting the guys he longed for. Or at least, that's what he hoped. Tonight, this night, was to be a test for that particular change in his life.

Together with some friends of him, Jacob would go to a gay party in his hometown. These parties had quite a reputation. Everybody that went there had found them enjoyable, gays and straights alike. For the gays it was a place to meet up, chat, kiss and fuck. For the straights it was a visit to a different world that had, for some reason, piqued their interest. Not all of Jacob's friends were gay, but, like the other straights at that party that night, they had been curious and Seth was one of them. Jacob didn't mind it. He was only too happy to have many friends around him at that place. While he had been dating and such, he hadn't had any experience with gay parties. Feeling like a young fish in a pond filled with predators, it was nice to have some familiar faces around.

They arrived at the club around eleven o'clock, and a line had already formed in front of the entrance. Slowly they shuffled inside, happy to get out of the cold evening. It had been drizzling a bit, with patches of momentary wet snow here and there. The weather was quite lousy, all in all. Fortunately, inside it was rather warm; or perhaps hot would have been a better term, with all the guys dancing around, embracing each other, some of them kissing. Those were couples, though.

Lucky them, Jacob thought as he watched them from the balcony, where he stood with several of his friends. All were seemingly enjoying themselves, laughing and talking, drinking beers and pointing at people.

In all the turmoil of the party, Jacob was feeling surprisingly happy, exhilarated even. For the first time in his life, he felt like he could simply pick a guy, walk up to him, and know that something might happen. That was so unlike the situation he had gotten used to, that it took him a few minutes of quiet contemplation to fully internalize the notion. But when it had hit him, a grin had appeared on his face. One that was so big that some of his friends had noticed it and asked what was going on. Seth was the first to have noted it.

"Hey, what are you grinning about?" He looked about the dance floor, one flight below them. "Where is the hot guy you've set your eyes on?"

Jacob grinned even more and shot Seth a teasing look. "No, it's not that I have seen some suave guy, it's that I can pick whomever I want without fearing that they'll be straight. In here, it's the gays that rule, not the straights. And if you're straight, I chat you up and you dislike that, you shouldn't have come. Feels great!" and he ripped out a thunderous laughter of joy.

"I'm going down, wanna come?" Jacob then added, nudging Seth mischievously, throwing him a look of playful sensuality as he started walking toward the stairs. Seth replied with a grin, waltzing happily after Jacob. They both descended the stairs, Seth stalking Jacob closely, moving fluidly over the dance floor to the bar to get another drink. That would be Jacob's fourth and Seth's fifth beer that night.

Sipping their beer, leaning against the wall, they stood along the edge of the dance floor, observing the dancing crowd like a lion choosing its prey among a herd of zebras. As he let his gaze move over the countless heads, his eyes stuck to one particular guy. His hair was black, the head wobbling back and forth as his body was slaving away to the thumping rhythm of the music. He wore a black shirt, buttoned up until roughly the middle of his sternum, exposing the upper part of a seemingly muscular chest. His sleeves were rolled up, exposing two tanned, slightly hairy forearms, thick with muscles that would surely allow him to grip things quite potently. And the parts of his arms that were covered up, namely his biceps and triceps, were sure to be equally developed.

Those few things were pretty much all Jacob could see amongst the tumultuously moving mass. And as Jacob stood there casually, left leg propped against the wall, eyeing the sexy stud and his suggestive way of dancing, he could feel saliva pooling on his tongue; his inner wolf was hungry and had found a nice piece of young, fresh meat. At that moment the guy's head turned and pierced Jacob's gaze, just as Jacob brought his beer to his lips. The glass halted mid-sip and, as if glued to his lips, stayed where it was. Several tantalizing moments passed.

Look at each other once, checking out. Look at each other twice, interest.

That's what people had told him before the party. It was the way to know if and when to approach a guy.

Come on then, look at me again, Jacob thought, still staring intently at the head that was rocking to and fro on the rhythm of the music, but his bladder was giving him some warning signals that had to be dealt with first. Seth was standing next to him, looking the other way. Jacob tore his gaze off the dancing delicacy and poked Seth with his free hand, handing him the empty glass when he finally caught his attention.

"I gotta pee," he said, while already walking towards the restroom, not noticing that two brown eyes were now following his moves intently.

Jacob headed over to the restroom, wobbling slightly after that last beer. He managed to arrive at the toilet stall without any major injuries, slammed the door shut and had a pee. He didn't even really notice the constant moaning of fulfilled pleasure around him anymore. There was more fucking going on than peeing, most probably.

A few moments later, feeling highly relieved, he emerged again, went to the sink to wash his hands, and dry them using a paper towel. That said, he made it to the sink, but never made it to the paper towels. As he leaned onto the sink, he sighed and looked down at the drain. The sound of a door opening and closing was lost in the continual sounds of satisfaction around him. After a minute or so, in which he tried to wake up his slumbering senses, he opened the tap and let the cool water flow down. As he stuck his hands in the cold stream of water and started rubbing them with some soap, he heard a soft "hey" next to him. Surprised, his hands still in the cold stream of water, he looked up, in the direction from where the sensual voice had come.

The guy from the dance floor stood there, watching him intently. From close by he looked even more delicious than from far off. Contrary to when Jacob had seen him earlier, he was now half naked, his black shirt draped loosely around his neck; like a towel, as if he had just come from a swim, his skin still moist with drops of water scattered over his body like small, tingling pearls. Jacob gulped as he saw the muscles next to him, and said "hi" quietly, his gaze fixed on a set of mouth-watering, torturously well-defined abs that were less than a meter from him. Jacob licked his lips at the sight.

After a few moments he was finally able to break out of his trance and stare the guy in the eyes. They were lovely: brown, glittering in the light of the restroom's dingy lamps that were hanging low from the ceiling. Two black eyebrows pressed down on those eyes, making the eyes seem like mere slits. His hair was black and combed forward with gel holding it all together. It resembled the hairdo of the guy he had met in Sweden, but this guy's muscles were much tenser, much more expressive in that lovely primitive masculinity that Jacob found so enthralling. His biceps were very mature, and he had an impressive set of shoulders to boot. The neck was quite broad and only emphasized the guy's muscular exterior, but with a certain subtlety that Jacob enjoyed. And between those biceps, below those shoulders and neck, was one of the most glorious chests he had seen as yet; and below that chest, were abs that were curved smoothly yet firmly, and could be seen relaxing, tensing and flexing with every abdominal move the guy made as he leaned nonchalantly against the paper towel dispenser, as if forming a barrier of lust through which Jacob, quite honestly, didn't even want to break through. Instead, he looked back at the sink, took his hands out of the cold stream of water, closed the tap and calmly leaned onto the sink, his gaze now directed at the stranger. Both of them were smiling, Jacob with shy hesitation, his spectator with a broad smile of cunning mischief, the left corner of his mouth curled up in calculating expectation.

This is my chance.

Jacob released the sink as he straightened his back in an attempt to make himself look bigger. Turning his whole body, he was now facing the guy head-on. Slowly but steadily, he walked towards him, closing the gap that was between them. Every step that decreased their distance increased tension twofold. Finally, Jacob stopped and leaned against the paper towel dispenser, next to the unknown beauty. Their shoulders nearly touched as their gazes shot at one another like laser beams, meeting in the middle with a jolt of energy that backfired and hurled a shock straight down along their spine that erupted in a hardening burst of tense excitement. Jacob shuddered.

"I saw you on the dance floor. You have some nice moves," Jacob said, cold as ice, but with a smile and a sparkle in his eyes that, he hoped, would seem irresistible.

"And I saw you from the dance floor. Didn't see you dancing, but I bet you have some nice moves of your own," the guy replied with a roguish sparkle in his eyes and his mouth curled into a mischievous grin.

"I do," Jacob answered softly. Pushing himself of the paper towel dispenser he slowly leaned into the guy, shoulders and chest touching lightly, his head slightly extended and hanging over the guy's broad left shoulder as he brought his mouth, half-open and moist with animalistic drive, to the guy's ear.

"Want me to show 'em to you?"

The guy merely smiled and rotated his head to the right, so he now looked a teasingly smiling Jacob into the eyes. His answer was not of words; he speedily tilted his head and got it into position, then instantly kissed Jacob. And as he started kissing, his tongue already playfully poking Jacob's lips, he pressed his left hand against Jacob's chest, rotating Jacob and pressing him with his back against the paper towel dispenser. Domination was written all over that possessive move.

Aroused by that sensual strength, he mechanically hauled his arms around the guy and grasped him in a tight embrace as Jacob's animal erected itself, howling blissfully as the guy that pressed their chests together broke of the kissing and bit Jacob in his neck tenderly. As his hand travelled down to Jacob's pants, he love-bit his way to Jacob's ear, softly nibbling it and finally suggesting what Jacob had been hoping for all along: "Wanna take it to a more private location?"

Jacob nodded, softly groaning with the delight the guy was causing him, when abruptly he tore himself off Jacob, grabbed Jacob's shirt between his pectorals, and while piercing his gaze with his enchanting brown eyes, yanked him the dispenser and dragged him into one of the toilet stalls. He practically threw Jacob inside as he lunged in after him and slammed the door shut, immediately grabbing Jacob once again at his shirt and locked their chests together in a frenzy of kissing and touching. Jacob was back in the woods of Sweden, both preyed upon and hunting prey, like two adolescent male lions playing in the warm sun of the African wilderness. Their moaning joined the choir of groaning and whining already present when Jacob had entered the club's restroom.

The stranger turned him around and pressed him against his body forcefully, Jacob's back now against his powerful chest, hot with anticipation, as he slammed both of them into one of the stall's Perspex walls. Trapped between the man and the wall, he could feel a warm stiffness in the guy's pants, pressed against his ass as the stranger's embrace enclosed his waist, curled around the lower edges of his shirt, and with one smooth movement ripped Jacob's shirt over his head and threw it on the toilet's water reservoir.

Next, the stranger's arms slowly massaged Jacob's now bare-naked chest, climbing and descending his torso until his left hand stayed behind on his left nipple while the right kept following Jacob's ribs like a young girl jumping from white line to white line on a zebra crossing. The hand that lingered on the nipple sudden brutally gripped the nipple, making Jacob yelp harshly. When the guy unceremoniously twisted his nipple, the blunting force of sheer pain took Jacob entirely by surprise. He arched his back as he tensed all available muscles in his body to deal with the sudden burning ache.

In-between chocked-back whines and yelps, however, came out moans, too: the other hand, roaming Jacob's abs, had reached the edge of Jacob's belt, moving forward and backward over that belt with the thumbs mischievously prying around the edges of Jacob's underwear. IT slid down and cupped Jacob's hard dick through the fabric of his pants, squeezing lightly so that Jacob whimpered with the pain and pleasure assaulting his intoxicated mind simultaneously.

His nipples was suddenly released as that hand joined his brother at Jacob's nether regions as Jacob whimpered with excited joy, still trapped between the heaving strength behind him and the cold wall in front of him. Suddenly, the two hands grabbed his thighs, followed the belt to the front and opened the belt's buckle with an energetic jolt, then continued to playfully unbutton his pants and zip open his fly. With one formidable pull he yanked Jacob's pants down to the floor and he could feel a cold breeze coming from under the toilet stall's door as he was reminded that they were in a club's restroom, with people continuously walking in and out, drunken, high, horny; walking in for a piss, a dump or a quick fuck. But Jacob didn't mind; a rush of excitement filled his veins and he moaned softly under the pressure of the man behind him.

Almost bare naked, he now stood in front of the muscly man, back against chest, so that he could feel the irregular pattern of the washboard abs against his skin. He shuddered, as the arms that played actively around his thighs, undoing more and more layers of clothes suddenly shot up and held Jacob around his waist, the palms of his hands on his chest, and a sweet voice whispering "You're not getting cold, are you?"

Shuddering a second time out of tense excitement, Jacob tilted his head back and laid it softly on the right shoulder of the strong man that held him from behind, turning his head and affirmatively biting the stranger's neck. While he couldn't see the guy's face, he felt the muscles of the guy's lower jaws tense and relax as his mouth curled into a smile and a soft groan of pleasure escaped his throat when Jacob took hold of the guy's primitivity and stroked it gently at first, more roughly as time went by.

The hands shot back to where they were before and pulled off Jacob's dark blue underwear, then pressed Jacob's body, the hands clasping his thighs, back against the man's body as he felt the throbbing stiffness now against his bare ass. But not for long, as one arm left the fervid embrace and undid the guy's own pants and underwear. Both slid to the floor as Jacob felt the warmth now teasingly against his own soft skin. A whisper in his right ear – "Do you want me to give it to you, hm?" – made Jacob shudder with blissful expectation, replying "yes!" with a soft, coarse voice, his throat clenched with joyous suspense.

A pleased smirk appeared on the boyish man's face when he turned Jacob around, so that they were now facing each other, their excited beasts greeting each other as they danced around each other, sometimes avoiding each other's gaze, sometimes touching each other's heads in quiet anticipation of what was going to come next. The two men did the same. They looked each other deeply in the eyes while the stranger's hand stroked Jacob's neck softly and tenderly, smiling lovingly. He then pulled them together and eyes closed as lips touched and tongues danced around each other frantically, like the waves of a stormy ocean.

As their lips parted again, Jacob slithered down the guy's body, his right arm trailing after him, stroking his chest and abs while Jacob filled his mouth with rigid masculinity, doing his job with a fiery passion that had his lover groan and whimper as loins filled with delight. The guy's right hand travelled to Jacob's head, gripping it forcefully and subjecting it to the rhythm favoured by the guy; the left hand trailed to Jacob's hand, which was still squeezing the guy's chest, and gripped it, pressing it against his own chest strongly. Jacob felt the guy's body convulse slightly when he fooled around. A soft moan escaped tightly clenched jaws – because it felt so good. The hand that had held his hair firmly now appeared on his neck and grasped it hard, nails digging into flesh ever so lightly, now forcing Jacob to rock back and forth with increasing speed, a rhythm set for him so that he just let it happen, his male companion's groaning becoming both louder and more intense as the act continued and he started bucking Jacob, softly at first, but with more strength and possession the longer it continued.

Out of nowhere, the hand that held Jacob's neck disappeared and re-appeared under his right arm, pulling him upwards, at which point his once-filled mouth, now empty and dry, was refilled with a new passion as the guy kissed him. Groaning into each other's mouths, they shared their passion as arms and hands were left to explore backs, heads, necks, chests. And as they broke contact, they shared another look, and Jacob leaned into the man. "I need you to give me all you got… but not here."

Slightly confused, obviously intrigued, fantasy holding him firmly in its grip as his basal primitivity tensed and hardened under the load of fiery desire, the guy looked Jacob in the eyes. He leaned forward while clasping Jacob's shoulders strongly so that their chests and nether regions touched and Jacob felt both their throbbing: "Lead me onward."

That night, Jacob didn't go home alone. With him was his stranger. His guy. A guy that was not only sweet, but also looked really good; a guy that found Jacob as beautiful as Jacob had found him when their eyes had met earlier that evening.

When they got to Jacob's place it was about 3AM, but there was no time to sleep. As they hollered through the door, kissing and hugging, they didn't waste time to flick on the light. They took off their jackets hastily and continued their animalistic pursuit that had started at the club. They stumbled into Jacob's bed, laughing, grinning, groaning with pleasure, groping each other in both tender and frantic embraces as they kissed passionately, reaching for each other's shirts with feverish resolve. Off went Jacob's partner's black shirt, and exposed was a sight that was already known to Jacob, but hadn't become any less amazing in those 30 minutes between Jacob's bed and the club.

With enthusiastic playfulness, Jacob attacked the flexing abs with his tongue; the abs that supported the mighty pectoral muscles that formed the wonderful chest that was hovering over him. The powerful taste of masculinity scorched Jacob's tongue as he, utterly entranced, in a fit of hot rage, gave his tongue no rest while descending down the washboard that was the stud's belly. And as he went down, his shirt went up, pulled over his head by his lover with remarkably calm focus. Now both of them were half-naked, hot and raging, as the stud groped for Jacob's head and feverishly stroked it as Jacob's hand met sexual arousal, having travelled farther down the smooth six pack; a stop his head and tongue would soon arrive at. Those were still higher-up, following the smooth curves of a perfectly symmetrical six-pack, until they got back on track on the midline and followed it down to where pleasure was to be had.

Belt buckles were undone and flies zipped down with smooth speediness as blue jeans slipped down and exposed the tender flesh that they held for ransom. Jacob's right hand had arrived while the head was on its way and the left hand grasped the guy's right thigh, massaging it enthusiastically, making his body jerk with delight. As his companion moaned under the touch of Jacob's hand, murmuring soft words of delight and increasingly craving for more, his body jerked as he abruptly erected himself, flexing his abs when his torso got up. Jacob, surprised by the sudden moment, was momentarily ripped out of his enthrallment when a hand roughly pushed him against the bed, slamming him onto his back and he found himself under the heaving chest as the last of their clothing met the cold floor beside Jacob's bed.

In the dim light of an outside streetlight shining through a gap in Jacob's curtains, as if it were a spotlight, they made love to each other. Groans of satisfaction filled the quiet night and the bed creaked under the slowly, but steadily increasing rate at which they did it. And as it all unfolded, it felt right. It had hurt at first; the guy had entered him, slowly and while holding Jacob tenderly as he gazed at Jacob's face, reading his reactions as his animal stalked into the cave that held Jacob's inner wolf, waiting for its welcome visitor. And then they met. And it had felt special. And the visitor wolf had slowly retreated, but had lunged back at his host at the first sign of gratified pleasure. A quiet whimper escaped Jacob's lips, a feverish moan his companion's. They filled the silent void of Jacob's apartment as the guy moved back and forth. And Jacob was in heaven. Never in his life had he felt something so intimate; an act in which he felt so close to his partner.

With every minute that went by, their play got more intense. Sweat stood on his partner's forehead as his lower body rocked back and forth with an increasing rate; but Jacob asked for it. Asked to be fucked the way he had never been; the way he had never done but had always wanted to. Ground to dust under the forceful weight of muscles pushing him down so that the only thing he could do was obey as the alpha male of his pack asserted his dominance and filled his every carnal need with an animalistic drive that would get Jacob whimpering at his feet.

The pained creaking of the bed got louder and the moaning of the two got more incessant and direct, filled with passionate craving as they unleashed their inner wolves at each other. The grip the guy had on Jacob grew stronger as he held him by his arms, pinning them above Jacob's head. Jacob's legs were bent over his strong companion's shoulders, so that a murmuring pain, mixed with shots of ecstasy, lunged at Jacob's intoxicated mind. Like wolves howling to the moon together, one reinforcing the howling of the other, Jacob and his lover answered each other with intensifying cries. For every "Oh" the guy uttered, Jacob replied with an equally intense "oh god", and as their play grew more forceful and the man asserted his dominance over Jacob with rising vigour, Jacob's whimper grew more pained, but always mixed with delight. And as they mixed, pain and bliss reinforced and boosted each other, so that Jacob clenched his fists in elated agony, his mouth half-open and moist with excitement, moaning and whimpering at the treatment he was getting from the sweating, groaning muscles behind him.

Finally, the callings reached their peak, laden with a yet unfulfilled desire to go ahead as sexual tension soared to its maximum. The man removed his arms so that Jacob was free to use them again. The guy supported himself on Jacob's shoulders, glittering with sweat from the physical exertion. Meanwhile Jacob put his arms to good use, groping himself, moaning under the tension he caused himself.

His moaning joined that of his partner, so that they were not replying to each other but crying out in unison at an empty silence in Jacob's room that was almost entirely eradicated; blown out of the window by the deep groans of two men coming together in harmonious domination and submission.

Fuck me were the last thoughts in Jacob's mind, his lips loosely mouthing those words between the pained vocalisations of desire, as his biceps and triceps flexed with increasing rapidity, when that moment of blankness arrived that had both of them moan with deep, thrilled passion. And when it happened, their mouths open, their eyes closed as both of them abruptly halted their pumping and rocking and within a few seconds collapsed on each other as rushes of ecstasy filled their body and mind. Jacob laid still, one hand held where it had all happened and the other holding his man's strong forearm, now relaxed and soft.

While he lay there, he felt a cold but wonderful sensation coming from his source of joy that had his body jerk momentarily; the guy was lapping up his white seed, cleaning his cock with a reverent passion that made Jacob smile. That same wet coldness followed the midline of his belly up, when finally he felt a playful tongue in his mouth. They kissed, deeply and passionately, as they lay on Jacob's bed, still gasping for air, relieved and happy.

Then, they did it again. They kept doing it until early morning when finally they just lay against each other, tightly pressed, back to chest, spooning. Jacob was held in a tight embrace, and Jacob held the arms that held him, as his breathing grew quieter and calmer. At last, they fell asleep, the breathing synchronised, a veil of tired bliss covering their eyes.


A/N: I would appreciate a (short) review to hear your thoughts!