Oh lord, it's been a while. So sorry. I didn't even write a long chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own KHR.
Entry #2
I hear it. They're mumbled steps. It sounds… stressed?
Panicked maybe..
Ah, wait...Disgruntled is the word I'm looking for.
That's right, their footsteps are frantic. Playing a sharp note along with the music my surroundings played.
Disgusting.
I don't know why and I refuse to learn of the reason why but an eerie feeling always stems when I hear their rhythm.
I'm used to the whispers now. Not to the pain but i'm glad the screams have died down to whispers from time to time.
I hear new screams emerge outside the confines of my cell.
I hear giggling from time to time. Proud. Full of pride, ego.
Ugly. Very ugly.
I think the screams outside died down.
The next thing I realize is the soft click of confident footsteps and my body goes haywire.
They were dragging me and the whispers turned to screams.
As always, I was strapped, cleaned and then came my blood curdling shouts for help.
I was walking down the streets. Ragged clothes gripping onto my sweat covered body, not too dirty but not too clean either.
I was tired. Tired and hungry.
Then there was the issue of a huge crowd pushing adults, adolescents and children aside in an unneeded hurry. I cursed at them. I was in a hurry as well.
I heard the hard steps, frantic, angry, they were probably the people I just robbed earlier.
It was so easy. To bump into them and slip my hands inside they're unattended pockets. I say that but they caught me and honestly, my pride cracked a little. It was quite a shock to realize that the next course of actions made were a seemingly endless chase and colourful cursing. Didn't even know what half of their words were, I really should practice my Italian, I mused to myself as I continued to ponder off into a wonderland of thought, panic and fear..
It's been going on for about 8 minutes. My was face was flushed and I admit I'm running out of stamina. I needed to find my brothers quickly before I actually died from exhaustion cause I certainly felt like I would collapse and die at the sidewalk.
I'm going to hunt these old geezers if they actually end up to be the cause of my early death. I'll murder them in their sleep in some way if they separate me from my brother. I continue my search and escape and while my strides towards a practiced route were panicked and my breathe was erratic there was a seemingly cold aura that surrounded me. Made me wonder why people avoided me but I was grateful for their kindness all the same.
Uncut and disheveled hair slapped at my rear, bangs layered out and glued to my skin due the moisture every second of my tired disposition created. I want them god damn cut. Good lord, I feel like stabbing a man but I can't exactly regret it now. My brother told me my hair was pretty. Gave me the puppy dog eyes when I had a knife in my hands ready to cut it. In reluctance I responded with a strained 'I need to cut it.' then he looked like he was about to cry. And oh baby jesus did that just stab me in the heart and withered some of it away. I remember that G and Alessia were confused and furious at what happened and why Giotto was about to cry. I would be lying with my cold ass if regret didn't burn me for the next couple of seconds of nagging with mama Al or better known as Alessia.
Oh, my precious cinnamon bun, Giotto. For you, I'd do anything. I'd grow my hair out, I'd learn manners, I'd learn the struggles of a girl but I literally won't love a boy. I can't be gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but it just seems uncomfortable thinking about my love life and what straight is for me now.
Lost in thought, it took time to notice a pink flash rushing over, tightly gripping me and painfully dragging me away to a safer area.
In a couple more minutes of utter torture, G Uses the wall for support to catch breath and I slump on the ground on all fours, tired and messy.
We shook the geezers off, I think. Something blooms in my chest. Was that a little bit of respect for the brat? It was an impressive display, I think the kid just outsmarted the people chasing us. I may be giving him more credit than he's worth of though, he's still an ass.
"What the hell, Cecilia? You scared the living daylights out of m- Giotto!" Face red in rage, he tiredly points towards me in accusation.
"We see you bump into a couple of guys and then they were just screaming running after you while you sprinted off. If Giotto wasn't there, I wouldn't have noticed and you wouldn't have had your ass saved by me!" His voice is muffled by the quick and soft footsteps I can only safely assume is my brother's.
I bow my head in apology, too tired to argue with Gabrielle.
"I'm sorry" A tiny voice escapes from my mouth. "I was just… trying to help."
G's gaze softens but the hard gleam still remains as he opens his mouth to nag again. My sweet brother's presence rescues me from G's words.
Thank god.
"G. Please? C-can we just let it go? W-we're tired, we n-need food and w-we gotta get back home." Giotto gently interrupted. His voice was meek, soft. My head rises to check his state. He looked thin, just like the rest of us. Bony. Like skeletons.
It still didn't diminish Gio- No, both of they're looks. Their killer looks were already showing at this age. I was jealous. I looked like a pale ghost in comparison. Someone that looked about ready to haunt and murder.
G sighed glancing at me with a slightly guilty look, "Sorry, I was just… Nevermind."
He gave out another sigh, his eyes baggy and dark. Looks just like the rest of the children left alive in the orphanage.
Children. A boy at the age of 9 already sighing, tired, at this age. My brother at the age of 5, already trying to be the mature figure between the both of me and Gabrielle. Then there was me 24… Already 24 and I still act like a child. I can't seem to swallow the thoughts of responsibility even if I seem like I do.
These depressing thoughts, won't ever leave me, will they?
No one answered.
In return I gave G a fatigued smile, taking out the wallets I stole. Some were light, some were decently packed enough.
"Again, I apologize as well." Standing up with support from my worried brother, I tilted my head towards the nearest bakery I know of in this town. "Come on, we gotta waste this money on something, for example, food, right?"
Giotto gave me a soft grin. Adorably might I add as G grunts and steps off towards the store I indicated at.
"Thanks." I ruffled my brother's hair, him giggling in an attempt to pry my hands away from his fluffy head, signs of the gravity defying hair already growing.
"Cecilia! My hair's getting messed up!" He shouted in an attempt to make me stop.
A chuckle escaped from my mouth as I dragged him towards the store, "It's already messed up, my dear brother. Looks good messy so i'm just adding in my own touch of messy."
He groaned in response as I handed G a couple of wallets and left some in my pocket unattended.
He nodded, showing gratitude with the way his body moves and his eyes lingers to say a quiet thank you.
Tsunderes… I can reluctantly say can be adorable sometimes.
Time passed, we got some bread, more than we could have thought of but it was just another daily routine for us. We were talking, teasing each other while walking towards the orphanage in a hurry.
2 more children to feed. I hope none of them starved to death, again.
Alessia was… how to say this… I loved her. The way she sacrifices her own well-being. The way she blushes when I try to teach her something new and she doesn't seem to understand at times. The way she's clumsy, when she stutters, panics and starts fiddling with the hem of her shirt or sleeves.
The way she is towards anything, everything and to me.
Seeing her this pale, this bony. Sacrificing her own share and working for the children left in the opha- no, it was nearly just a house now.
It was a painful sight. Each time one fell to an infection, each time one starved and each time one died, she blamed herself. Shut herself out little by little.
Though, she still greets me and the Children with a brilliant smile. A good mask.
She would've have been a great actor. Would've been great with ANY job to be honest. She was a hard worker.
Alessia cried at the night. Her sobs bearly muffled by her hands and clothes. Did she know I heard her? Maybe the others could hear her too. Giotto and G had dark circles around their eyes at this age. They probably knew. The others? Sometimes but they seemed to be ignorant. Happy to just be… Alive?
It was just like my previous life. Been making the same mistake to the ones I romantically loved, again. I ignored they were in pain. Assured myself that everything will be fine, just make her laugh, make her smile and as long as it stays, I don't have to worry.
Cosette. My very first love. Not a crush but the one that tortured my heart and healed it all the same in my previous life.
Now. Again. It seemed as if it was just another cycle. Another process of wake up, get dressed, work and make her smile.
She did. She did smile. So everything would be okay, right?
My brothers and I reach the orphanage, Giotto, poking me on the shoulder. I was lost in my thoughts and he was worried.
I gave Giotto a forced chuckle and ruffled his hair, G huffing in what I can assume as worry or irritation.
Alessia had a fever. No one was there to wash our clothes for us. We were short on money because she couldn't work at the tavern as well and the nobles wouldn't back up the orphanage anymore. Seems as though a new lord took charge of this house and decided to abandon it or they were just desperate for more money to save.
The little shits.
For 4 weeks, she's been bed ridden and all they could do, as children was wait and cry. Complain and ask her not to go. Don't leave.
Begged her to stay forever.
It irked me. Made me look at the children in disgust at times. Maybe I was just too used to Giotto and G being grown up but seeing a child snivelling, snot running down his and her nose, complaining, wanting everything to just stop or stay the same, disgusted me.
I felt angry. Rage bubbling. Ready to burst.
My brother's gaze lingered on me worriedly as I gave him a smile to reassure him. I pinched at his clothing and G's, tugging to move faster. Yearning to see Alessia's smile greet us again.
Seems cruel, to hate on children but no one ever told me to be selfless, I told myself to be selfish. Love the people I care, don't trust others.
We opened the doors, the floorboards creaking as the 2 other sets of small feet came to patter quickly towards us. Like ducklings, wanting their mother to feed them.
"Hey, you guys been doing okay? We were out for a day and nearly half . I'm sorry it took that long. We couldn't find many people to… 'work' for." I gave an noticeable pause in the middle of my sentence when mentioning the 'work' we do.
They nod vigorously, trying to say thank you, saying it was fine and eyeing the bag of bread and water with greed. Me and Giotto smiled at them, G just grunted in response and looked the other way, pink staining his cheeks.
Giotto gathered the share of bags for the kids with him and gave me a knowing look, as I sighed in response. I was gripping on Alessia's share.
Damn, my previous sister never mentioned that Giotto was damn sharp. How does he even realize? I swear there's magic involved in this to let my baby brother read me like an open book. EVEN 'G' can't read me as well and I can admit that the brat was smart.
I returned the smile as G followed Giotto to tend with the children while I tend with Alessia.
The train of thought making noise in my mind kept on getting louder as hope and despair were clashing against each other. For 4 weeks she's had a fever, for the last 2, she's been coughing out blood, showing infections and losing weight even though she's been eating more than when she was healthy.
I was worried. Worried sick. My head was aching every time I prepared a meeting and I was always dreading, to find her, dead, in the sheets. Pale and in pain.
I sucked in my breathe and in I came to her room through her door.
She was yelped in surprise, swollen red eyes landing on my presence. A salty and metallic scent of tears and blood come to strangle my nose.
Before I new it, I reached her, holding her in my arms as I dropped the bread and water on a nearby table.
"Cecilia? I-I… I'm sorry you had to find me like this." She gave me a guilty smile, eyes tearing up slightly, burying my head on her shoulder.
"C-cecilia? P-please? Would you let go of me? Yo-you'll catch my sickness." Alessia tries to pull away but she goes limps, gives up and her arms reluctantly wrap around my body, hugging back. Tightly. Looks fragile.
"Don't care." I mumble, my entire body was aching and it just felt numb but painful.
My eyes, my head, down at my chest as well. They were aching because I couldn't do anything.
Why did it hurt this much? Did it mean too?
Before I knew it time passed and I let go, eyes dry, as if a single tear didn't drop, giving Alessia a gentle smile while I grab for the food and drink.
As my thoughts came to wrestle my being, telling me I was weak for crying, a single fact and question rose. She wasn't going to live over the age of 20.
Why her?
She had Tuberculosis and I cursed the heavens for that.
A couple more days pass, the group surviving with the rations my brothers and I collected.
Alessia? Was getting worse and worse.
Knowing what she had, I never let any of the children in, not even Giotto. I would suck in my breathe, careful not to catch the infection while setting food on the table, giving her a smile, saying good morning, good afternoon and good night as we exchange small talk.
I told her to live a little bit longer because as selfish as I am, I told her that I wasn't ready to lose her. In return, she gave me a short hug and pushed me out softly.
The next day, I found a letter beside her empty bed. Smelled like smoke, like ash, bitter, salty, metallic and sweet all in the same. It made me cry out and gag.
I eventually vomit, heaving heavily as I try to calm down and breathe. Finally calm, quiet and more composed, my hand came over, reaching for the letter weakly.
I saw no body. Not anywhere.
Even in her death, I speculated she chose to leave the house in an attempt to save us the pain of watching her die and I just… I don't know. I felt disgusted and I refused to know what these feelings were meant for.
I read the letter.
It told me just how happy she was to live. Her regrets. What she was proud of. What her life was like. What we were to her.
I couldn't help but scream. Kick, scream and punch. It was ugly.
I hated it.
My brothers came in to find me. Rushed towards me worriedly, eyes glancing over to Alessia's bed. They gaped, gasped, Giotto broke down instantly. G swallowed thickly, surprisingly wrapping both of us into a hug, shoulders trembling, tears flowing silently.
The other 2 children? Stole the wallets and left. I don't know what possessed them. Finn and Rumi. The last 2. The children Alessia considered her own. She loved them and she wasn't even prepared to leave them but had too.
I was scared shitless at their actions. I scared myself shitless at the amount of hatred I emitted when I noticed the fact.
Nearly drowning out the sadness and depression.
If I ever found them, I swear I'd make them suffer and If I never will, I cursed them for hell to come meet them.
It was disgusting. All I had left was my brothers and if anything came in the way with hurting both of them...I don't know… I didn't seem to have the resolve to care about anything but my self loathing at the moment.
It scared me.
Maybe I'd lose my mind. I'd kill whoever took them away. I'd curse the gods and the devil himself.
I don't know.
The three of us stayed in one room, huddled in one bed that night. The house eerily quiet. This time, the sounds of creaks from the wind and floorboard, scared us, no suspicion that it was the children or Ale- our Mother.
It made us cry, made us hug each other tighter.
We were left with nothing but clothes and the broken supplies in this beautiful and ancient house.
We couldn't sleep that night. None of us got a single wink because each others whimpering kept us awake.
A/n: Cri, Alessia. My baby. One of my early babies.
