Hello My Fans,
I know you all have been have been waiting, watching and wondering if I have abandoned this fic.
I have not.
So let me tell you what's been going on these past two years:
In 2017, my ex physically abused me for the first and only time. Now, when I really sit down and think about it, he had been abusing me emotionally for quite some time before the actual tangible abuse occured. I stayed with him much longer than I should have. For four years to be exact. Two of those years we were together, and another two, the last two, we were roommates and friends with benefits. I stayed to try and save it. I thought I needed it to be relevant and normal.
Then, he hit me, pulled my hair and choked me. The police got involved. He mither threatened me to get me thrown in jail for returned the car that both he and I jointly own, and a restraining order was filed.
In those days, he claimed hit me because he took a whole bottle of Advil and couldn't think straight. I was over a friend's, and asked him to pick me up for work in the car we owned, the one I ended up giving back. He came, but by then he had already taken the Advil. He claimed he wanted to see me one last time before he died.
On my way to work, we ended up fighting over the radio. I just asked him to turn it down and he wouldn't. So I turned it down, it was my car too, and he turned it back up. This went on for a bit, until finally he punched me in the arm. We were still arguing so he stopped the car and told me to get out. I wasn't getting out of my own car, so he threw my purse out of the window and took my seatbelt off. He punched me in the face and pulled my hair and choked me. Then drove us home, away from my job, I was almost there.
We were staying in an extended stay hotel at the time, so I told management what happened. I had been paying for it so I asked then to cancel the room and leave. Then I called a friend. I took a taxi to their house and they paid my fair since I had no money. My purse was thrown out of the window.
He called apologizing saying he just wanted to see me. Saying he just wanted to die. And he said he cut too deep. I thought he slit his wrists. So I called 911. I told them what happened, told them I didn't want to press charges because I'm black. I was afraid they'd arrest me for provoking him even though I never hit him back. The police got him and the state pressed charges. He went to jail. His mother came at my neck afterwards and it was three long weeks.
At first he admitted to what happened, but then pleaded not guilty. Meanwhile, his mother was harassing me. Saying she'd put me jail. Saying I'd go to prison. She even threatened to come up to my job and strangle me. I showed the judge and he reprimanded her. He also reprimanded my ex, asking why he'd let his mother harass the person who dictated what happened to him?
In the end, I didn't want to ruin his life. Some call me soft hearted, some call me noble. All I wanted was for him to go to anger management, get so medicine and stay away from me. It's what I got finally. That man is out of my life.
In 2018, I was depressed and suicidal. I drank bleach and cleaner. I even tried drowning myself. I was self-destructive to a tee. And I couldn't focus. I couldn't create or write. I wanted to die.
Then I met my best friend and she helped me. I got into counseling and really looked at myself. I believed I was a monster. I believed I was to blame for a lot of things in my life. My father would call me useless, my mother would say I was unloveable. And my dad was verbally abusive as well. My dad had also hit me once. My counselor helped me realize your mindset is what you attract. Because I believed these things I attracted people who deepened the self-hatred. I was contributing by believing their thoughts about me. I was old enough to make my own path, but I decided to keep wallowing.
And it's hard so hard to think about yourself in a positive light. It's hard to look at yourself sometimes. It's hard to grow and change. But I couldn't take feeling horrible all the damn time. I couldn't take the pain anymore. And it was either get better or die.
I chose to get better.
There are some people who are going to read this a write it off. Some off you may even say I deserve it. Some of you will threaten him and wan to protect me. Others will think I want pity. And still others will be on my side.
I just want to write. I just want to be me. I just want to create. So keep that in mind when you comment. I only told you so you'd know what happened and that I didn't abandon you.
I will update as soon as I get my new laptop.
Tata For Now,
MistressHORRiD
