Dear Book of Manly Thoughts,
Well, climbing that tower was about the biggest mistake of my entire life.
I used a broken arrow to help me reach the top. It took an excruciatingly long time and the muscles in my arms were in agony by the time I climbed through that window. I removed my satchel- that crown is surprisingly heavy- and let out a sigh of relief.
"Ah, alone at last," I breathed.
My peaceful solitude was interrupted by a loud clang. I must have fainted. I opened my eyes and felt dizzy and disoriented. My head hurt like hell. I remember seeing big, green, feminine eyes. Then I heard another clang.
When I came to again, I was sitting in a chair. Something wet was in my ear and I screamed. I turned to see this frog sticking its tongue in my ear. Well, that was creepy. I tried to stand up, but I couldn't. When I looked down, I could see that I was bound into the chair with something silky and gold in color.
"Is this… hair?" I wondered aloud.
I heard rustling. There was another person in the room.
"Struggling…" said a young woman's shaky voice, "Struggling is pointless."
"Huh?" I asked.
Wow, I'm so articulate.
I heard more rustling, like the girl was moving to another part of the room.
"I know why you're here," she declared, "And I am not afraid of you."
Actually, she sounded plenty afraid, if you ask me. Finally, she stepped out of the shadows. She was a very slim, petite girl who I guessed to be in her late teens. I frying pan was in her hands. No doubt that was what she had been hitting me with. Her face was heart-shaped, with huge, bright green eyes and a light dusting of freckles. She was really quite pretty, but what really struck me about her appearance was her hair. She had the longest hair I had ever seen in my life, and it was bright gold. It was so long that she was able to bind me in a chair with it! My jaw dropped.
"Who are you and how did you find me?" she demanded.
I just stared. She repeated herself. I shook my head and began to flirt with her. Why not? She was very attractive, even if she was badly in need of a haircut. And perhaps if I played my cards right, she would unbind me.
"I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you, but may I just say… hi," I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, "How you doing? The name's Flynn Rider. How's your day going? Huh?"
She seemed incredibly unimpressed. She just asked who else knew her location.
"Alright, Blondie…" I began.
"Rapunzel," she corrected.
"Gesundheit," I told her.
Rapunzel is such a strange name. I started telling her about how I was wandering through the forest and came across the tower. Then I realized I didn't have my satchel. I panicked.
"I've hidden it somewhere you'll never find it," she smirked.
I glanced around the room.
"It's in that pot, isn't it?" I asked.
Bad move. She hit me with the frying pan again. I revived sometime later with that frog's tongue in my ear again. I screamed.
"Now it's hidden where you'll never find it," Rapunzel said smugly.
Then she asked me what I wanted with her hair. I was shocked. What the hell would I want with her hair? Aside from getting out of it, of course. When I told her this, she seemed surprised. She turned away and started talking to that creepy little frog of hers. Not only did she have a weird name and unnaturally long hair, but she was also delusional and thought she could talk to animals. Finally she turned back to me and told me she would offer me a deal. If I take her to see these floating lanterns the king and queen of Corona release for the lost princess every year, she will return my satchel to me.
I tried to get out of it.
"I'm afraid you leave me with no choice," I told her, "Here comes the smolder."
She frowned at me. I don't understand; she frowned at me! No woman can resist the smolder! No one!
"This is kind of an off-day for me. This doesn't normally happen," I told her, "Alright! I'll take you to see the lanterns."
Rapunzel suddenly became very excited. I sighed, grabbed the broken arrow I used to climb up, and began to descend the wall of the tower.
"You coming, Blondie?" I called.
She hesitated and finally used her hair to slide down to the ground. She seemed amazed when her feet finally touched the ground. I sat down to wait for her, but she wasn't ready to go. She still isn't. I've just been sitting around for the last hour or so while she alternates between running around excitedly and bawling. She talks to herself, too. She keeps muttering about how her mother is going to be so upset if she discovers Rapunzel left the tower.
Maybe I can take advantage of this. I'll play on her obviously conflicting emotions about her mother and persuade her to give me my satchel so we can go our separate ways. I really don't want to take her to see the lanterns. She's obviously insane. Besides, I can't go to Corona. I'm a wanted thief there!
I suppose I had better go talk to her.
Flynn
