Title: Bake Sale
Chapter Title: Slip and Slide
Author: XpaperplaneX
Beta/Co-conspirator: Urplesquirrel
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Main: Sephiroth/Cloud. Others: Zack/Aerith, combinations of the above four characters, up to and possibly including Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack/Aerith.
Genre: crack, humour, slash, het
Warnings: *updated!* drug use (marijuana), smut, bdsm, voyeurism & exhibitionism, general nonsense
Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII and make no money from this work.
Summary: While seeking a break from the stress of Nibelheim, Cloud accidentally saves the planet. The trick now, is in keeping it saved. This is pure crack, so consider yourselves warned.

Okay, Urplesquirrel convinced me to post this now, so here you go. The new chapter of PoW probably won't be up until Tuesday.

I saw my first movie in a Japanese theatre. It had reserved seats! Really comfy seats too. And I got a student discount! I saw the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was pretty good. But I was very glad that I didn't need to try to read the subtitles. They used some wacky font and it took me ages to figure out that the scribble that looked like a squiggly line on top of a C was supposed to be そ. I hate it when they use different fonts! Just because we do it with Roman letters doesn't mean that other people with different syllabaries should be allowed...

XXX

Zack set the pizza boxes down on the desk in the large room and looked around. It seemed like a pretty normal room for a mansion, except for the stench and Cloud said there was a magic wall in it. Sephiroth had just grunted and said that they wouldn't be touching the magic wall. There was nothing past it that he wanted to see right now. Zack carefully avoided looking at the stains of the rumpled bedspread. He rather hoped that they'd behave themselves while he was here... although from the way they had been all over each other in town, he doubted that was likely. Zack sighed, why did he always end up stuck playing babysitter? Maybe once he was sure they weren't going to implode or something, he could indulge a little too.

Sephiroth and Cloud collapsed onto the floor after grabbing a pizza box each. Cloud crawled over to Sephiroth's lap and made himself cozy while they both shoveled slice after slice of pizza into their mouths. When Sephiroth had finished off his first pizza and Cloud had gotten through about half of his, Cloud hauled out his final joint. "We'll use the pipe after this; I don't feel like rolling more joints." He quirked his eyebrow at Sephiroth and spoke again, "I think you'll have a bit more luck with a pipe anyways. It won't burn your poor sensitive fingers."

Sephiroth smiled wickedly. "I just wanted you to hold it for me."

"Pish, yeah right. You were all 'Owie, owie, it's too hot, Cloudy. It hurts!'"

Zack stared. Was Cloud teasing Sephiroth? And was Sephiroth allowing it? That just didn't fit with anything he knew about the man. The two passed the joint back and forth until they were giggling heaps on the floor once again. They were talking about chocobos... again. What was with their chocobo obsession? He got it that the birds were a bit weird, but... Being high probably made them seem a lot weirder.

Zack focused all his attention on his own pizza when Sephiroth suddenly pounced and pinned Cloud underneath him. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Sephiroth violently attacking Cloud's neck, biting and licking it. He grew more than a little concerned when he saw blood.

"Cloud, are you okay?" Sephiroth was pinning Cloud's hands above his head and straddling his hips. There was no way Cloud would be able to get out from underneath if he wanted to. "Do you want me to stop him?"

"Nope," Cloud giggled, "I'm good."

"Cloud, he's biting you hard enough to make you bleed." Maybe Cloud didn't realise it.

"I'm good, Zack. It feels nice. And Seph'll heal me after if I need it. Won't you?"

"Uh huh." Sephiroth was grinding his hips down onto Cloud and he grunted his reply.

"See? No worries." Cloud did look extremely happy as he writhed as much as he could with Sephiroth pinning him down.

There was a tearing sound and the two pieces of fabric that was once Cloud's shirt hit Zack in the face. "Right. I'll just, um, go... get you some new clothes." Zack stood and attempted to get the door open, but the two dry humping on the floor were blocking it. "If you guys could just move a little..." Neither showed any sign of having heard him. That was just great. Sephiroth was biting all over Cloud's chest now, leaving little marks everywhere and causing Cloud to squeal and moan and shit... he was getting hard.

He shouldn't be watching this. He wasn't watching this. Nope. He had a lovely girl back home and he was not watching Sephiroth pull his own shirt over his head and he wasn't staring at that muscled expanse of pale white skin. And he definitely wasn't looking at Cloud's semi-parted bright red lips that looked a bit swollen from being kissed so hard and wishing he could kiss them too.

Nope. This wasn't turning him on at all. Zack concentrated with all his might on the one brick wall in the room, wholeheartedly ignoring the blissful sounds and the scent of arousal coming from behind him. His concentration wavered a bit when he heard belt buckles being undone and two heavy lumps of fabric hitting the floor shortly afterwards, but he held firm. He wasn't watching.

"Zack. ZACK!" Sephiroth yelled. "Where the fuck's the lube? I can't find it!"

"Umm... I think..." Shit, couldn't Sephiroth look for it himself? It's not like he knew either. Zack shielded his eyes and turned around, looking for the drugstore bag. He couldn't help but notice Cloud lying spread-eagled on the floor, panting and covered in bite marks. That... that was hot. Cloud was hot, and Sephiroth hovering between his spread legs was also insanely hot. Lube, right, he had to look for the lube so that Sephiroth could fuck Cloud while he was stuck here, trying not to look or listen or come in his fucking pants. "Why don't you guys move up to the bed? That would be a lot more comfortable, wouldn't it?"

"Hmm..." Sephiroth seemed to ponder whether moving that far was worth the effort.

Zack found the bag containing the lube and tossed it up onto the bed. He stared in mild shock when it actually worked and Sephiroth heaved Cloud up and onto the bed. Cloud bounced limply on the bed and Sephiroth flipped him over and propped him up so his ass was sticking up. Not that Zack was watching. In fact, he was going to go right now. He'd hang out downstairs until they were done.

"Zack! I can't open this thing!"

"Hurry up, Sephiroth..." Cloud whined.

"I'm trying! This thing is all wrapped up and I can't get into it! Zack! Help me!"

Zack sighed and inched over to the bed where Sephiroth was holding out the sealed lube. He took it out of the box and twisted the cap off, then peeled back the foil seal. He put the cap back on and handed it back to Sephiroth, avoiding looking at how Cloud was waving his ass in the air. "Here. Have fun."

He took two steps towards the door before he paused. They'd probably need help with something else soon enough; he could wait until they were a bit further along before he left. After all, he didn't want to have to come all the way back upstairs again for something stupid. He determinedly faced the wall away from the bed.

There was a squirting sound and Cloud shrieked and Sephiroth laughed maniacally at the same time.

"That's cold!"

"That's the best sound ever!"

"It was kinda cool, wasn't it? Do it again!"

There was another squirting sound and they both laughed this time. Idiots. Several more squirts followed. Just how much lube did Sephiroth plan on using? He chanced a glance back at the bed; Cloud had two swirly blobs of lube, one on each ass cheek and a curved line that went just above his thighs. General Sephiroth was drawing a smiley face with lube on his subordinate's ass. Sephiroth added a tongue and some hair as Zack stared in horror. He felt torn between wanting to take a picture and wishing he could curl into a ball in the corner and die. This was not what he had joined ShinRa for.

Zack couldn't keep himself from continuing to stare as Sephiroth began spreading the lube around, pushing it into Cloud's crack and spreading him open. Cloud was moaning and rocking his ass against Sephiroth's fingers that were inside him. A particularly loud yell made Zack jump, but he realised that Sephiroth must have just found Cloud's sweet spot. Shit... he was not going to watch this. But Sephiroth picked up the lube again and began spreading it over his erection. Then he squirted out some more lube and reached between Cloud's spread legs. It was too much, Zack attempted to adjust his pants to ease some of the pressure, but it was really too much and he couldn't leave now. Not when they were about to...

"Put it in me, Sephiroth. Please, fuck me. Please, please, please."

"I like it when you beg for me, Cloudy," Sephiroth purred. "What do you want?"

"I want you to fuck me, Sephiroth. Shove your dick up my ass and fuck me into oblivion."

Shit, Zack hadn't even realised that Cloud had had sex before this. He seemed way to innocent for that sort of thing. Hearing him begging to be fucked was a little surreal. Sephiroth shook the tube a few times and squeezed out the last drops. Holy shit, had he actually used the entire tube? Sephiroth tossed it aside, nearly hitting Zack again, and grasped Cloud by the hips, lining himself up. Right, time to be going.

"Stop teasing, Seph," Cloud suddenly whined. "Put it in!"

"I'm trying," Sephiroth grunted. "And I'm not teasing, your ass keeps dodging." Zack paused, was Sephiroth missing?

"Well, hurry up!"

"You're too slippery! Why does it keep slipping?"

Zack stood stock-still; should he get them a towel? Help them out? He doubted that would even work.

"I'm not too slippery. Just put it in!"

"Hold still."

"I am holding still."

"Well your ass sure as hell isn't. There's no way I'd keep missing."

Zack couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Sephiroth, you used an entire bottle of lube on him, in him, on yourself... It ain't happening. Not without a shower and possibly an enema."

"Dammit, it's dodging!"

"Well put something in there. I don't care what! I just want something, anything, in my fucking ass! NOW!"

Sephiroth looked around and picked up one of the empty slushy cups. Cloud twisted around to see what he had and his eyes grew wide. "NO! Not that! Too big!"

"You just said you didn't care what!"

"Within reason! I meant within reason!"

"It's reasonable." Sephiroth sounded rather pouty.

"It's bigger that my head! That's not reasonable!"

"Umm..." Sephiroth looked around again. "There's that flashlight of yours."

"O-"

"No!" Zack said forcefully. "Just no. I am not dealing with the aftermath of inappropriate objects used as sex toys. Use your fingers, Seph." Zack cringed inwardly. He hadn't really just said that to his CO, had he?

"Fine, but when we get back to Midgar, we're buying flavoured lube and a vibrator."

"Can it be purple?"

"We'll get a custom made purple one if they don't come in purple."

"That's just great. You two can go on a shopping spree at the porn store like you did at the convenience store. I hope you don't drop a bag this time."

"I meant to drop it," Sephiroth argued.

"Yeah right, you-"

"Sephiro~th! Stick your fucking fingers in me now! I'm getting bored here!"

"You're such a bitch when you're horny, Cloud," Zack said.

"Bitches do it better! So there!"

"I don't think I've ever heard that phrase before, Cloud."

"I made it up. So what? It's true. And now I can say that the phrase 'blonds have more fun' is also completely and totally true."

Zack gave up on trying to convince himself to leave as Sephiroth flipped Cloud over and proceeded to finger-fuck him while he rutted against him. Despite the absolute train-wreck that this whole thing had become, it was still managing to be incredibly hot. He was past the point of being able to adjust his pants any further without actually taking them off, but it didn't stop him from trying. Cloud was screaming, "Harder! Harder!" And Sephiroth was grunting like an animal in a mating frenzy as he drove himself down onto Cloud's erection.

Zack was rather disturbed by how turned on he was by this. He was straight, wasn't he? But Cloud was so hot with his legs splayed widely and Sephiroth's hair was pooling around them. Cloud was clinging to it rather desperately and why hadn't Zack ever noticed how perfect Cloud's ass was? No. No, he thought. He was straight. Even if he was a bit on the bi-side of things, he had a great girl back home whom he loved dearly. Zack attempted to ease the pressure in his pants again, but the contact just made it worse.

Sephiroth grunted and bit down on Cloud's shoulder, causing him to wail loud enough to wake the dead. They continued thrusting against each other for a while longer until Sephiroth finally slowed down and collapsed in a heap on top of Cloud. When Sephiroth shifted downwards and began licking Cloud's stomach clean, Zack finally fled the room. He found the nearest lockable room and slammed the door shut behind him, whipping his pants down as fast as he could. He was so on edge that he came almost immediately and felt a fresh wave of guilt. He had gotten off to watching two guys going at it. And it felt fucking amazing. What kind of chocolates are you supposed to get your girl after you do something like that?

He cleaned himself up and slowly crept back to the room, trying to hide his embarrassment. Hopefully they had had enough time to finish up; he really didn't think he could handle walking in on another porn scene.

Zack breathed a sigh of relief when he poked his head in and saw that one of them had at least had the decency to pull the sheet up over their waists. They were curled together like cats and Zack heard a faint rumbling sound. It sounded... a bit like purring, actually.

The purring stopped and Sephiroth murmured, "You didn't have to leave, you know. We wouldn't have minded."

Zack paused, did Sephiroth not realise he had stayed for the whole thing?

"Yeah, I wanted to see you, Zack."

"See me?"

"You ran out to go jerk off, didn't you?"

Zack froze. Had he been that obvious? A few moments of extremely awkward silence passed until Sephiroth began waving the arm that wasn't wrapped around Cloud.

"Pizza," he grunted in a primal fashion.

Zack grabbed another pizza box and set it on the bed on Sephiroth's side.

"Mine too, please."

Zack sighed and handed Cloud his as well. "At least you're less bitchy now."

"I like him when he's bitchy," Sephiroth said around a mouthful of cold pizza. "It's way better than someone who just lies there and takes it."

"And I said 'please' when I wanted him to fuck me. I was very polite."

"That's true," Zack figured he might as well concede the point. There was really no point in arguing with stoned people. And he supposed he should just be grateful that they had forgotten about him running away to jerk off. But... had Sephiroth really meant it when he said they wouldn't have minded? They hadn't seemed to mind him watching, but Zack hadn't even been sure they knew he was there. He sighed and grabbed a slice of his own pizza; this was way too complicated to think about right now.

"Come sit on the bed, Zack," Cloud said. "You look uncomfortable there."

Zack looked over at them; he must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights because Sephiroth laughed. Hard. "I'm not going to molest you; I'm good for now. Get your ass over here and bring me that rootbeer while you're at it. And Cloud's pants. That's where the weed was, right?"

"Are you sure you need more right now?"

"Yes, I'm sure. That noisy bitch is back and I was enjoying myself and she gives me a headache. The weed makes her shut the fuck up. I want more."

"Okay, okay. Calm down." Zack grabbed the rootbeer and pants and sat carefully on the bed, avoiding the stains and wet spots as best he could. That didn't leave a lot of places to sit, unfortunately. He ended up a bit closer to Sephiroth than he really wanted to be. Sephiroth was easily distracted, however, by Cloud teaching him how to pack a pipe and light it and Zack breathed easily. If he was lucky, they'd pass out soon and he could go get some sleep.

XXX

A/N: Poor Zack...