Alex POV
I'm not sure how I got my feet to move, but I did.
Because the rest of me was in shock at what I'd just done.
I kissed him.
And yeah, it hadn't been anything overtly sexual. It could be construed as a completely innocent moment shared between friends.
But still…where had I summoned up the nerve to do that?
Probably because of the way that he'd been looking at me while he held my hand.
He held my hand.
Just that thought alone was worth repeating as I walked into my bedroom and shut off my alarm.
I stood for a moment in the sudden silence.
Now what?
I was going to have to walk back out there and face him.
"Alex?"
I turned to find that he'd come about halfway down the hall, clearly uncomfortable at the idea of getting too close to my bedroom. His unexpected shyness made me smile.
"You can come in. I won't bite."
He blushed at my remark, which admittedly did come out a bit more flirtatious than I'd intended, but he still only took two steps closer to the doorway.
"I just…I'd probably better go," he said. "I know that you need to get ready for work, and I've already kept you from getting a good night's sleep, and…"
"I'm glad you came by," I interrupted.
I crossed the bedroom and stood next to him in the hallway, since he seemed unable to enter the hallowed room.
"Me, too," he replied, still looking down at the carpet.
"Maybe you can come back later on," I offered. "After work."
"Yeah?" he asked hopefully, raising his eyes to meet mine.
I thought I'd been the one in control of this little dance we were doing, but the intensity of his gaze hit me like a sucker punch and I suddenly felt off-balance.
And extremely turned on.
Maybe it was a good thing that he hadn't come into my bedroom. I might not have been able to control myself if he'd stood too close to my unmade bed.
"Yeah," I agreed, sounding embarrassingly breathless.
And when, exactly, had I teleported back to high school?
"Okay," he said with a smile. "Maybe I'll come over a little earlier this time, huh? I can bring dinner."
He brought his hand up as though he was going to touch me, but after letting it hover briefly in the space between us, he instead ran it through his own hair.
"That sounds great," I agreed.
"Good. Okay. Well, I guess I'd better let you…get to it. I don't want to make you late."
Another awkward moment passed over us as we both stood indecisively in the hallway.
When did saying goodbye start causing me to be so tongue-tied?
Oh, that's right.
When I kissed him.
Because before then, we'd had no trouble saying it.
Bye.
It was really quite simple. And now neither of us seemed capable.
Or was it just that we didn't want to do the action, which made the word more difficult to say?
I finally felt the sound bubbling up from inside of me when he made a move toward me.
A smooth, fluid motion that had him leaning down and capturing my lips briefly, tenderly and yet firmly, before he returned to his full height.
"I'll see you later," he said in a way that sounded like a promise.
Then he turned and left my apartment while I stood frozen in the hall.
Now it was on both of us, I thought with a smile.
He'd kissed me.
And really, mine could be explained away as a friendly, post deep-conversation kiss.
His had no such label.
It was just a kiss.
Except that it wasn't just anything.
However fleeting it had been, it had still managed to send butterflies through me that I continued to feel throughout the day whenever I recalled the sensation of his lips against mine.
And I did so often.
In fact, I had quite a bit of trouble concentrating on my paperwork.
I can blame it on the lack of sleep all I want, but the truth of the matter was that I was thinking about Bobby.
His mother had asked me what I was waiting for, and I hadn't been sure of the answer.
Was I afraid of the whole fraternization thing?
Or of running the risk of losing my best friend if things didn't work out?
Or that maybe he simply didn't feel the same way about me?
No. I wasn't about to let work control my personal life, and I've always been a risk-taker.
I think I'd just been waiting for the right time.
And now that time had suddenly arrived, because he'd opened up to me in ways I'd never expected.
And I wasn't crazy enough to think that last night had changed everything. That he was suddenly going to shake his insecurities and develop a strong sense of self-worth.
In fact, throughout the day, every time my phone rang, I anticipated it to be Bobby, calling to cancel.
And when he didn't call, I still half-expected that he wouldn't show.
He would've had the whole day to think about the error of his ways, and he'd decide that he needed to protect me from him and his destructiveness and so he'd hole up in his apartment tonight, and tomorrow he'd call to apologize.
But he'd be cool.
Distant.
And he'd pretend that we'd never kissed.
Twice.
I felt myself getting angry about the hypothetical situation as I climbed the stairs to my apartment.
If he stands me up, I'm just going to go over to his place and set him straight, because I'm not going to put up with…
"Hey, Alex."
Bobby stood leaning casually against my door with a brown paper sack in his hand.
And holy smokes the man looked hot.
I mean, he always looks good, but I could tell he'd made the effort before coming over.
He was clean shaven, and for Bobby that meant he must've done it within the past hour.
He wore black jeans and a striped button-down shirt that was open at the collar.
I could smell the delectable scent of his aftershave as I got closer to him. I wanted to close my eyes and bury my nose against his chest, but that probably wasn't my best course of action at the moment.
"I wasn't sure what time, so…" he said hesitantly.
"So you came over to stalk me?"
"Are you okay? You looked awfully…intense…when you came out of the stairwell. Did you change your mind? Because if you're tired, or you'd rather not do this, I can…"
"No," I said with a shake of my head. "No, I'm sorry. I was just…thinking back over the day."
"You were plotting out what you'd do to me if I didn't show," he corrected knowingly.
I barked out a laugh as I unlocked the door.
"Right as usual, Detective Goren," I replied.
"Judging by the look on your face, I'd say it's a pretty good thing I showed up."
"It's a very good thing," I told him, suddenly dropping the tease. I closed the door behind us and set my things down on the kitchen table. "I'm glad you came."
As worried as I'd been that he might flake made me realize how important this night was to me.
I wanted to move things forward with us, and it had taken us so long to get past that first hurdle that I was going to fight tooth and nail to keep us from rolling backwards.
"Why don't you get changed and I'll get dinner out," he offered as he set the bag down on the table.
"You don't have…" I began, but my words left me when he turned to me and raised his hand again, just as he'd done this morning.
Only this time, he gently touched the side of my face.
"You worked all day after I kept you up all night. Let me do this for you," he said softly.
His touch combined with the timbre of his voice sent a rush of arousal through me.
"Okay," I agreed, not taking my eyes from his.
I thought that maybe he was going to kiss me again, but he didn't.
Or maybe he was hoping that I'd kiss him, I don't know.
But the moment hung in the air between us as he caressed his thumb along my cheek.
And then he dropped his hand and turned back toward the table.
"Is wine okay?" he asked.
"That would be great," I agreed as I tamped down the sigh that wanted to escape. "I'll be right back."
I left him alone in my kitchen and went down the hall to the bedroom.
I was almost ashamed of myself for the rush of teenaged excitement that rolled through me. Although maybe it was unfair to label it teenaged. Maybe it was just the thrill of romance, the potential for love that had tossed me back to my earlier years.
Because I certainly hadn't felt this way in a long time. I'd been on my share of dates, but none that had me practically vibrating with anticipation.
And did I really just equate this to a date?
Was it a date?
He'd come to my apartment at dinnertime, and he'd brought food.
He'd clearly made the effort to look nice, and he'd brought wine.
As much time as we'd spent together over the course of our partnership, this was definitely different.
This was a date.
Which meant that I was dating my partner.
Not exactly my smartest move, but also not as life-shattering as some might think.
I mean, who knows me better than him? Who better to trust with my heart?
I got out of my work clothes and then I had a moment of panic.
What the hell was I supposed to put on?
He was dressed nice. Casual, but nice.
That's how I'd been dressed for work.
How much sense would it make to put on something similar to what I'd just taken off?
And when, for the love of God, had I turned into such a girl?
Annoyed with myself, I pulled out a pair of comfortable faded jeans from the dresser drawer. They'd seen better days, but they fit well.
I then debated between a blouse and a sweater, but I ended up with the plain white blouse.
And I shamelessly left one extra button undone.
I decided that touching up my make-up would be too obvious, so I ran my fingers through my hair and then went back into the kitchen.
"Better?" Bobby asked me as he held out a glass of wine.
How could I not be better?
I was out of my heels. I had a gorgeous man in my kitchen offering me wine, and an excellent-smelling dinner was waiting for me on the table.
I wasn't sure that it got much better than this.
In fact, I was half-expecting to wake up at any moment.
Although my dream-self would've undoubtedly ravaged Bobby by now, so it had to be real.
I took the proffered glass and gave him a nod. I couldn't help but notice that his eyes tracked over me and a small smile played on his lips.
A smile.
Was this really the same man who'd barely been able to stand only a week ago after his mother had died?
The same face that had been etched with the hardness of life?
And yet here he was – looking happy and years younger.
It was like a door had been opened and he was suddenly going to allow himself to truly live.
I realized that while I was thinking these thoughts that I'd been staring at him. And he'd been staring at me.
Each of us too afraid to make a move, and yet both of us clearly wanting to.
We needed to get things out in the open.
"What are we doing here, Bobby?" I asked on a sigh.
"Having dinner?" he suggested.
"Are we having a date?"
"Do we have to label it?"
I closed my eyes against his apparent denial.
Maybe he wasn't ready for this. And really, why was I suddenly pushing? Why was the status quo no longer good enough for me?
It was just too soon.
We needed to focus on being better friends.
And there needed to be no more kissing.
It was too hard.
I wanted him too much to be able to deal with that kind of temptation when he wasn't ready for anything more.
I opened my eyes and forced myself to give him a smile.
"Let's eat," I said as I turned away from him and went to the table.
"Why do I feel like I've just failed some kind of test?"
"There's no test," I said. "I just…it's strange…being together like this. And I think that maybe we're jumping into things. You've…been through a lot, and…we're not working together right now, and...we were both feeling vulnerable last night, so maybe we just need to take a step back and think about what we want before we mess up what we already have."
It hurt much more than I'd expected, to say those words.
I'd made it sound as if this had been a whim. The kiss last night, the offer of dinner…it had just been born out of circumstance.
And okay, specifically it had, but that didn't mean that I hadn't been hoping for something exactly like this to happen.
"You think this is…what? I'm bored while on leave? I'm desperate for affection after losing my mother?"
And yeah, okay, so I'd pissed him off.
He came around the table and stood in front of me, his eyes piercing mine like his mother's had done the week before.
"I came here last night because I needed a friend. I needed my best friend. And I realized at some point that maybe you saw me as something more. Was I wrong about that?"
"No," I managed to say, nearly rendered speechless by his intensity.
He took another step toward me and I found myself backing up.
"You know, I would've never gotten up the nerve to take this step with you. I would've spent the rest of my life wishing that I could have you and yet never saying a word. But you were the brave one. You opened the door, but now you're going to close it before we even get to see what's inside?"
"I just…I don't…we're not…"
For the life of me, I couldn't string together enough words to make a sentence.
"Did I read too much into this whole situation?"
By this point, I'd backed up as far as I could go, both literally and figuratively.
I had the kitchen wall at my back, and I had the future of our relationship in my hands.
My heart pounded as he continued to stare at me, and I knew that I had to say something, quickly, before he walked away.
Because this was it.
This was our one chance.
If I knew anything about Bobby, it was that he wouldn't be made a fool of twice.
And right now, that's how I'd made him feel.
I'd strung him along and then hit the brakes.
And why?
Because I'd expected him to verbally admit to what was happening between us even when I struggled to put a label on it myself?
Or was it just because I was scared?
My hesitation caused his confidence to plummet. He dropped his eyes and relaxed his stance.
"No," I told him, my voice barely more than a whisper.
"No what?" he asked, and his tone was accepting, defeated.
"You didn't misread," I said.
His eyes snapped up to mine as I brought my hands up to feel the smoothness of his cheeks.
He opened his mouth to say something, but that was when I made my move.
And this kiss was anything but innocent.
I could taste the wine and the lingering hint of the cigarette that he'd surely smoked while waiting for me to get home.
And then I felt the strong sureness of his capable hands, stroking the length of my back. I could feel the heat of them through the thin fabric of my blouse, sparking fires against my skin.
I rose up on my toes to get a better angle, but he worked with me, leaning down and deepening the kiss.
I moved my hands from his cheeks into his hair, weaving my fingers through the thick waves and pulling him closer to me.
I couldn't stop the contented moan that rumbled through me as he pushed his hips against mine, the hardness of him putting pressure against me exactly where I needed it most.
He repeated the action, apparently liking the sound that he'd elicited from me, and then he moved his lips from mine and whispered into my ear.
"Are you sure about this? Because I'm going to have to defer to your common sense, and I don't want to talk you into anything that you don't want to do. I mean, we are partners."
Of course, as he made that last statement, he ran his hands down over my butt, his fingers clenching firmly through the tight denim.
"I don't think we have a choice now," I said with a grin. "Your hands are on my ass."
"Alex…" he whispered, and the husky sound of his voice told me just how thin his control was at the moment.
Now that was a heady thought.
He was holding himself back, waiting for me to confirm that this was, in fact, a good idea.
Was it?
Who knew?
But I was sure as hell going to find out.
TBC...
