Chapter Three

Something cold was touching her face; correction, something ice cold was touching her face.

Bella began to rouse from the deep slumber she had fallen into the previous night.

As she stirred the cold pressure pulled away from her head and moved down to her arm. Her arm!

Bella awoke rather abruptly and snatched her arm away from the icy presence.

As her eyes focused her gaze landed, and latched onto a pair of golden eyes.

Her heart stopped for a moment as she took in the vampire's features, ice blonde hair, golden gaze, soft smile, shirt neatly ironed; Carlisle.

With no hesitation, she flung herself at the centuries old vampire that had started to become a second father to her and she clung to him like her life depended on it.

Carlisle reciprocated just as eagerly, his arms wrapping around Bella's tiny frame; one hand coming up to stroke her hair as she began to sob.

Bella was aware that Carlisle was whispering words meant to soothe but all she could concentrate on was the feel of the icy embrace that began warming her heart.

"How? Why?" she sobbed.

Carlisle gently pulled her away just enough to place a tender kiss on her forehead. He wiped her tears away before answering.

"I left Charlie with an emergency number and told him to call if you were ever in trouble or seriously hurt. He called me last night and I drove straight here"

Bella was stunned and confused. "I thought you didn't care. You left, without saying goodbye. Why would you bother to leave a number if you wanted to get away from me"

Carlisle frowned.

"Bella, I never wanted to 'get away from you' as you put it. I left because my son asked me too. I may physically be a monster but my children mean the world to me and I will do whatever I can to make them happy. With that being said, a part of my heart was stolen the moment my son brought home this tiny, clumsy, stubborn human girl. Believe me Bella when I say that leaving you here was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in many, many decades, the only way I could stomach the thought was knowing that you were not alone, that you have your father here. I gave him that number because I needed to know that if you needed me I could be contacted. I love all of my children Bella, included the one special child whose heart still beats"

Bella once again threw her arms around the vampire's neck, her tears tumbling down her face and soaking his shirt.

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

"We will get through this together. It won't be easy but I am here for as long as you need me. Charlie has given me permission to ask you to move in with me so I can look after you better. It's your choice though Bella, whatever you need, at your own pace"

Bella pulled back and swiped her cheeks free of tears.

"Just us?" she asked quietly.

"No. There is someone at the house waiting for you but before you ask they specifically requested I not tell you who it is"

Bella stood and paced the room, her mind whirling. On the one hand she could move in with Carlisle, get better, maybe even see the rest of the Cullen's; Edward. But on the other hand, this was the family that so easily abandoned her. Then there was the issue of relapse. If she cut again in their house they would be back at square one. Her vampiric family would be forced to move yet again. To accept the offer would be selfish. Besides, what would they think when they found out about her little habit. Surely, they would be disgusted in her, furious that she had allowed herself to be so weak, pathetic even.

Part of her argued; the Cullen's would never be disgusted by her, they were like family. But then again so was Jacob and he thought…No! She wouldn't think about it, if she did she wasn't sure she could resist the temptation, the need to carve the freak out of herself.

"Carlisle, I can't. I need time, I need…I just, I'm not ready"

Carlisle nodded slowly and rose to his feet. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and pulled her into a soft embrace.

"I understand. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me"

Bella looked up in surprise. "You're not leaving?"

"I will never leave one of my children to suffer alone" He kissed her on the top of her head and moved towards the door but paused briefly.

"Bella, whatever you believe we will think of you, know that you will never be anything but my daughter, granted not by blood, but I love you just the same as I do Alice and Rosalie. Please Bella, do not suffer in silence anymore, I am here for you. Take whatever time you need but know that I will wait an eternity, my love is timeless"

Bella felt her eyes well up "Carlisle…"

"Get some rest Bella. Come find me when you are ready"

As the door closed Bella felt all of the air leave her and she collapsed to the floor, loud uncontrollable sobs ripping their way through her throat.

All of the pain she felt inside began suffocating her, crushing her under its weight as she crawled on her hands and knees, dragging herself up the stairs and into her bedroom where she clawed at the ground. A primal, raw scream ripped from the deepest part of her soul as she slammed her fists into the carpet oblivious to the damage she was causing to herself.

Her body shook, she felt like she had been bathed in ice yet sweat began trickling down her spine.

She caught a glimpse of herself in her vanity mirror and in a surge of rage she ran towards the offending piece of furniture and snatched it up before hurtling it against the wall. Every item on the vanity found a new home on her floor as she swept her arms angrily across the surface. Pieces of her heart shattering just like the vase she threw across the room as yet another scream tore its way through her.

She stumbled her way towards the bed, tears blinding her, broken shards of mirror and ornaments digging into her skin as she collapsed against the foot of her bed.

With hands shaking and numb she reached under the mattress and pulled out her salvation.

The shard of glass was cool in her hand as she blindly pressed it's sharp edge against her skin.

Bella welcomed the intense burn as her arm was once again opened, as her skin was ripped apart the way her heart had been all those months ago.

The pain in her chest was too intense, too sharp, she needed to be numb.

Again, the glass slid across her arm, deeper this time, deeper than ever before and Bella dropped the shard as an intense wave of nausea slammed into her. She collapsed to the ground, her body exhausted, wracked with tremors so intense she had to clench her jaw to stop herself from biting her tongue.

Her arm bled freely, the sticky warm liquid sliding across her destroyed flesh and onto the ground below.

Seeing her blood run made the sobs return, her tears flowed so fast she feared she would drown.

In that moment, lying on her back in her room, surrounded by destruction as her blood seeped into the carpet Bella prayed for death. Just for one moment she wished she could close her eyes and never wake up. As her fingers once again found her glass shard, for one moment she imagined how easy it would be to take that final step, to slice just that little bit lower, that little bit deeper.

She thought about how quiet the world would become as her body bled out, as her shattered heart stopped its painful beating. How easily she could slip away as her aching lungs no longer drew in any air. How peaceful she would feel as her eyes closed one final time. For one moment Bella died.

But a moment never lasts forever.

The tears began to stop and the internal pain was once again battered into submission by the stinging, burning agony radiating from her torn arm.

Slowly Bella sat up, the nausea once again returning with a vengeance.

Faster than she thought herself capable of, she ran to the bathroom and threw herself to the ground infront of the toilet just as her body rebelled.

Bella wretched and vomited for what felt like hours and when only bile was coming up she sat back and flushed the disgusting substance away.

Her head throbbed, her throat burned and her arm stung. Bella was a mess.

Without allowing herself a second to reconsider she shakily made her way out of the bathroom and down the stairs. Grabbing nothing but her keys, not even stopping to put on shoes, she left the house and stumbled to her truck.

She knew she shouldn't drive, that she should call someone instead, that she should go back inside, clean her room and hide the evidence of her failure. Instead she put the key in the ignition and set off.

In a cruel twist of fate a mere ten minutes away from her destination, her truck came to a shuddering stop and refused to go any further.

Bella felt tears of frustration slide down her face, stinging the raw skin there.

She climbed out and began walking the rest of the way. Cold, shoeless and her arm still bleeding freely Bella stumbled and fell just as the heavens opened and within seconds she was soaked.

Bella tilted her head back and let the rain wash over her face.

"Is this my punishment for being so weak? Is this funny to you? Are you happy now?" she screamed to the sky.

She climbed to her feet and continued her journey. The dizziness began intensifying and the world spun around her. Bella closed her eyes, this was a path she had travelled a hundred times and she didn't need to see to know the way.

She climbed the wooden steps on trembling legs and collapsed in a heap on the porch, her back against the wall, her body too weak to carry her any further.

"Please, help me" she whispered as unconsciousness threatened to take hold.

"Bella?"

She knew that voice.

"Carlisle!" the voice yelled. Someone lifted her off the ground and carried her out of the rain.

The blackness was coming faster now and Bella knew she couldn't fight it anymore.

"Hold on darlin'"

A wave of calm washed over her and instead of drowning in the suffocating blackness, Bella felt herself drift off into a peaceful sleep.


A/N So this chapter took so long to write because I wanted you to really feel what Bella was feeling in that moment. It was tough to write from that perspective and remain untriggered but this is such an important moment in this story, in Bella's life, in any self harmer's life; its the moment you have to choose whether to live or die and it's a raw, painful powerful moment that unfortunately not all of us come out of.

Let me know what you think and thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to review and leave such sweet words and supportive statements. I cried tears of happiness when I saw so many people offering up support and kindness to a complete stranger. So from every part of my heart; thank you.