A/N: I added some more towards the end of this chapter. And as always, some of the characters are owned by C.S. Lewis and Disney. Now onward and upward…
CHAPTER 3
The next day, I go straight to find Caspian. I probably should find Stephen, but I'm not ready to talk to him yet, especially after what he said to me yesterday. Caspian's not in his room, his study, or the throne room. I decide to go to the Professor's study next to see if he knows where the Prince is. It was a good idea, because I happen to find them both there. I walk through the door, which is almost always open, to the room where the three of us have spent so many hours together. It is here that Dr. Cornelius invested years of his time and energy into making Caspian and I better, smarter people. Even when we were being particularly difficult, he would remain patient and calm. Caspian and I will be forever indebted to him for his service towards us. I smile as I take in the familiarity of the room, which still has a slightly musky smell, arising from ancient books and various valuables strewn around. There has always been a chaotic quality to it, but he always seems to know how to find everything. I think that's true of most people, though. We find what works for us then resist change, even if change would be best.
Caspian and Dr. Cornelius are standing by his desk, looking down at layers of papers strewn on the surface. They both look up at the same time that I approach, smiling at me.
"Anna, my dear!" The professor says as I walk over and give him a hug, his beard tickling the side of my face and neck. "Is your ankle still ok today?" He asks.
"Yes, it's fine. And thank you for coming out yesterday to check on me."
He gives another warm smile. "No problem at all. I just didn't want you to get stuck with this one," he says, pointing to Caspian, "if you really were injured."
Caspian holds his hand over his heart, pretending to be hurt from the words. "Is there no love for me anymore?" He says in a theatrical tone.
I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his chest. "I love you, my dear, dear Prince," I say, matching his exaggerated tone.
"Good," he says, and then glares at the Professor. "At least there's one."
I drop my arms from around Caspian, but drape my arm across his shoulder. "What are you working on? Am I interrupting?"
"Actually, I thought we were going to have to send for you. I need your help," Caspian says.
"With what?"
He pulls out one of the large sheets of paper from the bottom of the pile. "With designing your room in Cair Paravel."
"Oh that's right! Molly told me the land is good."
He looks amused, "Ah, yes. Good news travels quickly, it seems."
"Can I see the plans? All of them, I mean."
He looks giddy with excitement, "Of course! I wanted to show them to you! The professor has lots of information about its original design."
Over the next hour, we pour over the designs and plans of the castle. In it's original state, it was a beautiful ivory, built right to the edge of the cliffs overlooking the beautiful beach down below. One single bridge connected the castle to the mainland, making it naturally well protected. It was quite beautiful with many extravagant towers and archways. He wants to keep it as true to the original as possible, although some slight changes will have to be made, as the landscape has changed a bit over time.
Suddenly, the Professor breaks our focus from the plans. "Alright. I can see that you two will be fine on your own. Unfortunately, I have a meeting to attend to, so I'll be gone for the afternoon."
We say goodbye, then I lean back, stretching a little. It's gotten quite uncomfortable standing and looking down at the table that whole time. Caspian looks over at me. "Well, we still need to work on the design for your room, if you're still up for it. Why don't we go back to my study. It'll be way more comfortable there."
He's right. The Professor's study was lacking in seating and comfort. "Good idea. Let's go," I say as we gather the supplies we need. We make our way over to Caspian's study and settle in on our favorite spots on the bay window. It's wide enough that both of us can sit next to each other with our backs resting against the wall with our legs straight out in front of us. I sit on the side closest to the window and loop my arm through his. We lay the papers across our laps and begin. First, we look at the blueprints to gauge the amount of space.
"Wait, so which one is my room?" I ask.
He points to one of the largest rooms on the floor. "It's this one here. I wanted to give you a lot of space, and of course a fireplace and a glorious balcony. We can change the layout too, if you want."
"Well, it looks pretty good," I say, although I do find a few minor things that I want to modify, so he writes those down. "Where's your room?"
He points to the biggest room on the blueprint, which also happens to be right next to mine.
"We're going to be neighbors!" I say excitedly.
"Yah. Do you mind? I want to keep my eye on you," he says, nudging me with his shoulder.
"I guess I'm ok with that," I say, then can't stop a yawn that escapes my mouth.
"Tired?" Caspian asks.
"Yah, you could say that."
"I'm a little tired too. Want to take a nap?"
"Yes!" I answer, so he puts all the papers on the floor. I shuffle up some of the pillows and pick out a good one to rest my head on. I turn and lay sideways, facing the window. There's a lot of sunlight filtering through the window, but it's still high in the sky and I'm so tired that it doesn't really matter. I feel Caspian arranging himself behind me and he lines himself up along my back, facing the same direction. Then his arm wraps around my waist and he holds me close. I close my eyes, and complete peace overtakes me. I can only hear the sounds of our lingering breaths filling the otherwise quiet room.
I slowly begin to realize how safe and at home I feel when I'm with him. Somehow without realizing it, our relationship is changing into something different. Even though we have been inseparable for years, it's never been quite like this. I start thinking about Stephen. His touch has never made me feel like Caspian's did the other day. And lately, when I've been spending time with Stephen, I haven't been as happy. Maybe it's just a rut that we're in and it will get better. But if I'm honest with myself, most of the time I wish I was with Caspian instead. My stomach sinks a little, though, when I think of what a future with Caspian would mean. If it ends in marriage, then I would be queen. I internally shudder at the thought. Sure, I come from distinguished bloodlines, and had the same education as Caspian. But still, how could I fulfill all the duties of being queen and leading the people? I have so little practice with any of that. And can I imagine Caspian being married to someone else? I know right away that I can't. Jealousy wells deep within me, even at the thought. I finally succumb to sleep, debating and considering so many possibilities for my life.
I wake up when Caspian moves his arm from my stomach then sits up beside me. I can't tell, but I think he's watching my face as I'm sleeping for a moment. I then feel his hand rest on my side as he leans over and kisses me softly on the forehead. I can't hold back a smile that forms on my lips, which immediately betrays the fact that I'm awake. He laughs and ruffles my hair.
"Hey!" I say, laughing and grabbing his hand. Again, I can't help but feel the electricity between us. I drop his hand then sit up, leaning my back against the wall.
He scoots back just a little, giving me some room. "It looks like we slept a while…" He says, nodding his head the direction of the window. A few hours must have passed, as the sun had dipped lower towards the horizon.
"I guess we were both pretty tired. But now we'll never sleep tonight," I say, looking out over the landscape below. "I guess that's ok though. I have a lot to think about."
"What do you mean?" He asks.
I look back over at him. "I had a stupid argument with Stephen last night."
"I see. You want to talk about it?"
"I guess, but…in a way, it's kinda about you…"
This takes him a little off guard. "Well, what happened?"
I'm not really sure how to tell him. "You're my best friend…"
"Yah, so?"
"I guess I've been talking about you a lot…" He seems rather pleased with that idea. "I mean, I was worried because you hadn't been your normal self lately."
"That's it? He got mad about that?"
"Well, no. He also thinks that I spend too much time with you."
"What do you think?"
"About what?"
"Do you think we spend too much time together?"
"No, of course not. I got so angry that I walked out on him. There's nothing wrong with our relationship. We're just friends. And I don't ever want to give up our relationship, no matter what the reason." I looked over at Caspian. His expression was unreadable as he stared off through the window. I took his hand in mine. "I love you."
He finally looks at me, "I love you too." He then kisses my temple. "But maybe he's right though."
This time it's me who is taken completely off guard. I pull back, looking at him, "What do you mean?"
"Well, it's just that maybe we should spend a little more time apart. I don't want to cause any problems between you two."
"I don't get it. We're just acting like we always have. I don't want anything to change between us. I care too much about you."
"Yes, and maybe that's the problem. I don't want us to change either, but I can't keep this up while you're courting someone else."
"Keep what up? What do you mean?"
"I think you know," he answers quietly.
"Where is this coming from? I thought you'd be on my side!" I say, and I can't help the tears that begin to well up in my eyes.
"It's not that I'm not on your side, Anna. You know that I would be with you all day, every day if I could. But that's not fair to any of us. Maybe we should start to be more independent from each other. I can't keep waiting around for…" He starts, but decides to not finish the thought. "I think you need to decide what you want."
I get up from the bench, tears streaming down my face. I look at Caspian. "Fine. If that's what you want."
I hear him yell my name, but I don't want to stop. I practically run back to my room.
About an hour later, I've finally calmed down, at least to the point where I can control my crying. What do I want? That's a good question. And one that I must wait to find out, as Stephen knocks on my door then sticks his head in. I'm sitting on my couch, so he comes over and sits next to me.
"I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I know that I upset you," he says.
"It's ok. You're right anyway."
"I am?" He asks, confused.
"Yah. Caspian said the same thing to me today too. He doesn't want to get between us in any way," I say with an even tone. I may be repeating what he said to me earlier, but I know that it's not really what I want.
"Well, good. I think this will be good for us. It might be hard at first, but you'll get over it. Just wait and see. Besides, I'll probably be working a little less now anyway. I'll see you all the time!"
I look over and smile at him, trying my hardest to make it genuine.
"That's my girl. Ok. Well, I have a surprise for you, but we need to get going."
"A surprise? For me?"
"Yes, you! Now come on!" He says. We get up from the couch and I'm curious when he leads me to the stable. But I know he won't tell me where we're going, so I mount on the horse, sitting right behind him. We don't go very far into the town, and when we stop, I recognize the house right away: his parent's house. I'm actually pleasantly surprised to come here with him. When we were first dating, we would come to visit his parents every week. I got along with them right away. He leads me inside, and I am treated with a wonderful meal and a cozy reception from his family. We stay for a few hours, and reminisce over the past several months. His parents send us outside to the patio behind their house while they clean up inside, so I relax on their porch swing, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Are you having a good time?" He asks.
"Yes, I am. I love your family. They're always so friendly and inviting. I can't believe it's been more than two months since we've been down here to see them."
"Yah, I've been so busy. But I meant what I said earlier. I'm glad I'll get to spend more time with you."
"Me, too," I reply, meaning it more tonight than I have in a while.
"What made you agree to court me?" He suddenly asks.
"That's random."
He smiles, "I know, but I never asked you that before."
I smile in return and grabbed his hand, intertwining our fingers. "Do you remember bringing me flowers on my walk that one day?" He nods yes. "No one had ever done anything like that for me before, at least one that was interested in me." I had to add that part at the end because the only other person to bring me things like that was Caspian. "And you were charming and you were one of the only ones brave enough to come talk to me. Plus, I saw what you could do as ambassador, and I knew you have a heart for Narnia and its people." I pause for a moment. "Now your turn. Why me?"
"Because you are beautiful. And smart, and you stand up for what you believe in. I knew from the moment I first saw you that I would try to get to know you better. Thankfully, you were ok with that. Maybe not at first, but eventually you warmed up to me."
He was right. I had continually tried to ignore him. Most people just avoided me, so I didn't know what to make of him. But eventually, he did get me to talk and we became friends. Then one day, he asked to spend more time with me, and I was ecstatic when he asked if he could court me. And we have had some wonderful times together.
"Do you think we have a future together?" he asks.
I think he's disappointed when I don't look too enthusiastic right away. "I'm sorry, but it's complicated Stephen. The answer is-I don't know."
He takes in a deep breath. "Why do you have to make things so complicated, my darling?" He pauses for a moment. "You love me right?"
"Well yes, but I think it's different for you and I." I can see that my words are hurting him. "I do love you Stephen, I do. But I don't know what that love means yet. And if I'm honest, I think that maybe you love me more than I love you, and that's what makes it complicated."
"I had no idea that's how you feel, Anna. But I want you to know-I'm going to fight for you. I don't want to live without you."
"I know. And I want to be with you. I just need some time."
It's getting really late, so we say goodbye to his parents and go back to the castle. We're walking down the corridor hand in hand when he suddenly pulls me into one of the closets. I'm about to ask him why when he puts an arm around my waist and pulls me close, pressing his lips hard against my own. I immediately respond and kiss him back passionately, because kissing him does feel good. When we are finally out of breath, he pulls away. It's been a while since we have done anything like that. He places a hand on my cheek. "Don't forget what you're missing when we're apart," he says, then pulls me back out of the closet. We walk back to my room, and he gives me one more deep kiss before he leaves.
I open my door and shut it behind me, then I lean my back against it. It's probably getting close to midnight, but I'm not even tired. I don't really feel like being shut in my room right now, so I decide to go to one of my favorite gardens. It's fairly close, and it has a huge fountain. I make my way there and walk to the edge of the fountain, which comes up to my waist. I lean over the rim and peer down into the moving water as I think about all the things that have happened over the past few days. I've never been so conflicted about anything. For the first time, I realize that whatever action I take, someone will get hurt. It's my choice, and I love them both. How do I choose?
I'm still just leaning against the fountain thinking when I hear footsteps coming down the corridor. I figure whoever it is will just pass by, but I'm surprised when they slowly walk into the garden. Whoever it is sounds like they end up on the other side of the fountain as me, so I slowly start to readjust so I can peer around to see who it is. Of course. Caspian. This is one of his favorite spots too. His dark hair is silhouetting his face as he looks down into the water. He hears me move, though, so his gaze lifts up to meet mine.
"Oh. Anna. I didn't realize you were here. I'll leave you alone," he says, starting to back away.
"Wait-" I say, and he stops. "I don't want you to go."
He looks a little relieved. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to stay after what I said earlier."
"I know, but I can at least respect what you said. You were just being honest," I say as I walk around to his side. "Can we talk?" I ask.
"Of course," he says, sitting down on the side of the fountain. He pats the spot right next to him, so I join him.
"I've been thinking about you all day, and I don't even know what to say to you now," I say, frustrated with my own inability to explain myself.
"Well, I wanted to say something to you, too. I know I came off a little harsh earlier, so I'm sorry."
"It's ok."
"Are you ok?"
"Yah, I'm ok. But I did want to ask, though-how do you really feel about us?"
"I guess I wasn't really clear enough earlier, huh?" he asks rhetorically. "You already know that you're the most important person in the world to me. But lately though, I can't help but want to be more than friends."
My heart leaps at his admission, but I try to focus. He continues, "And you don't have to say anything back. I just wanted you to know."
I look over into his eyes. "Thanks for telling me. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't started to feel the same way too. But I'm scared. I'm scared to hurt you, or lose you. And I don't know how I could be queen. Plus, I'm still with Stephen. And I do love him. I just don't know what to do. And I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel like you're stuck in the middle. That's not fair to you."
"It's ok. And I can't choose for you. But I can tell you that you're stronger than you think you are. Just follow your heart. I only want you to be safe and happy, even if it's not with me."
"You mean that?"
"Yes. I do." He says, then pauses for a moment. "I know that you're scared, but some things are worth the risk. And you know that I'm here for you, always."
We sit in silence for a few moments. "We should probably get to bed. It's getting pretty late," he says.
"Yah, you're right," I say, getting up.
"I'll walk you back to your room," he says.
"Ok," I say, smiling at him. Even now, I feel chemistry between us.
We are just leaving the garden when we turn a corner and almost run straight into Stephen, who was walking towards us.
"Hello," he says, looking at us both. "Prince Caspian, I've actually been looking for you. It is a serious matter. Can you meet with me in the throne room?"
"Absolutely. I'll walk down there with you," he says.
Stephen turns to me and pulls me into a hug, which makes me face Caspian over his shoulder. Caspian just looks at the floor around him, refusing to meet my gaze. Then Stephen releases me from the hug and presses a kiss to my lips. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
I smile a little. "Ok," I respond, and then watch as they pass me to go to the throne room. I watch them as they turn the corner, both turning their heads to look at me one last time. I know I'm in trouble.
