Author's Note: So I've calculated it out, and I believe this story has 1,450% more pickles than the last one. Admittedly, most are closer to the end... but you can't argue with that amount of accumulated pickle growth!
Before anyone even knew what was happening, Buffy had shoved Giles away — to safety, on the far side of the library — and lunged at the man in the pinstripe suit, grabbing him by his lapels and slamming him against a bookcase.
"Who are you?" Buffy demanded. "And what did you do to the Doctor?!"
The Doctor gave an uneasy laugh and a dopey grin. "Oh, really, now! You know I'm the Doctor! I'm—"
"When you say my name," Buffy interrupted, "it feels… just… wrong. Like, telepathic weird-stuff wrong." She gritted her teeth, trying to figure out how to describe what she'd felt, when he had used her Buffy-name. A kind of discordant… telepathic weirdness, like something was just… out of place, mismatched…
It had been obvious to her.
This wasn't him.
"So, let's try this, again," Buffy said, glaring. "Who are you? And what did you do to the Doctor?"
"I am the Doctor!" said the man in the pinstripe suit.
Buffy glared at the man, harder. She wound up her arm, to punch him.
"Or, pretty much, any rate," the Not-So-Doctor amended. He took advantage of the fact that she'd had to let go of him with one hand, and squirmed out of her grip. "Got the whole package, really." He wiggled his arms and legs, to show off. "Body. Knowledge. Voice. Oh! Soul, too — got that tucked away in a tacky-looking plastic cube. Maer'Isa! Nasty way to go, you know. But, well…" He winked at Buffy. "Nothing you can do, now."
Buffy dug the stake back out of her pocket, readying herself to fight.
"Tell me how to get him back," Buffy said, evenly, "or you get a date with Mr. Pointy."
"Ah." The Not-So-Doctor gestured over at Wesley. "You didn't check with your Watcher on this one, first, did you? Bit thick, Slayer. Even for you."
Buffy glanced back at Wesley, expectantly.
"The Maer'Isa… er, well…" Wesley flipped through a random book, so he'd have an excuse not to meet her eyes. "It's one-way. Once the Maer'Isa drains your soul into that cube, the cube locks, and that's it. There's no possible way to get it back."
"What?!" Yersitraysin shouted.
The prisoner sighed. "You really do feel the need to insert yourself into the narrative quite often."
"But what Buffy felt, that first night — when she thought she was being possessed, but wasn't," said Yersitraysin, in a panic, "I felt that, myself, last night! Does that mean — someone I know is about to die?!"
The prisoner ignored Yersitraysin. Instead, she reflected on her own previous statement. "Or is that just Time Lords, in general?" she mused. "Always inserting themselves into the narrative of the universe. Always trying to barge in on someone else's story."
That was a rather insulting thing to say about a species that were hiding away, after barely avoiding extinction during the Time War.
Yersitraysin bit her tongue. She wanted to give this alien a piece of her mind, but she needed to hear more. She needed to know what would happen — and what it meant.
"He's dead?" Buffy stared at the Not-So-Doctor, almost dropping her stake.
The Not-So-Doctor bounced on his toes, beaming. "Yep! Doctor's dead! Died while suffering and in pain. Nothing you can do about it. Got that? Brilliant! So, let's all stop waving pointy sticks around, and get back to work." He spun around, and raced back to the table. "Right, then! In terms of stopping that Ascension…"
The Not-So-Doctor barely managed to dart out of the way, in time, as Buffy threw herself at him, stake raised and eyes furious.
"Wait! Wait! Wait!" the Not-So-Doctor said, as Buffy rounded on him, again. He raised his hands. "You really don't want to kill me. I'm on your side. I honestly do want to stop the Ascension."
Giles analyzed the Not-So-Doctor. "Is that so?"
"Why?" Buffy demanded.
The Not-So-Doctor beamed. "For… reasons."
Oh, great. Buffy ran at the Not-So-Doctor, again, delivering a kick to his midsection that slammed him into the far bookcase.
"Now, see here, Buffy," Wesley snapped, rushing forwards and trying to restrain her. "If this… whomever-it-is… is on our side, we should hear him out."
Buffy tore herself out of Wesley's grip. "He's not on our side. He killed the Doctor!"
"Be fair," said the Not-So-Doctor, regaining his breath. "The Doctor was an accident. We were actually trying to kill you — Slayer."
Giles stepped forwards, tearing off his glasses. "I'm sorry?"
"You wanted to kill Buffy?" Wesley asked. "But… if you really do wish to stop the Ascension, why on Earth would you kill…?"
The Not-So-Doctor laughed. "Why? Really? You mean you haven't worked it out?" He pointed at his own body. "The Doctor is really rather brilliant! So we gave him an ultimatum — tell us how to stop the Ascension, or we'll kill your friend. He stayed silent. So we activated the Maer'Isa, to kill the Slayer." He paused, looking between himself and Buffy. "Although… in retrospect — not the best plan."
Buffy prepared to launch herself at the Not-So-Doctor, again — but, this time, both Giles and Wesley held her back.
"Look, we gave him every chance!" the Not-So-Doctor insisted. "He's been sealed away in a pocket dimension for… oh, about two weeks, now. And he told us nothing! Just that, 'words have power' rubbish. So we tortured him, a bit. Still, nothing. So we tortured him, some more." The Not-So-Doctor beamed, at the memory. "That was great fun. We turned it into a party! Balloons. Music. Pickles. Big banners, reading: Concurrence-1, Doctor-0. Oh, and cake! Don't forget the torture-Doctor-party cake!"
Buffy tried to surge out and kill him, again.
But, again, Wesley and Giles held her back.
"Sorry — the Concurrence?" Giles asked.
"Oh, yes, that's us," said the Not-So-Doctor, wiggling his fingers in a wave. "Hello!"
"And you… Concurrence creatures…" Wesley clarified, "…actually wish to stop the Mayor's Ascension?"
"Yes, well, I'm not going to say that killing the Doctor wasn't fun," the Not-So-Doctor said, "because it really, really was. But we actually just wanted the information."
Buffy turned on Giles. "This is stupid! There's no chance in hell that I'm ever going to work with the evil, pickle-eating, Doctor-killing Concurrence guys! No matter what they think about the…!"
"Sorry, can we skip ahead?" Yersitraysin cut in. She glanced down at her watch. "I only have one span, in here — and none of this bit about the Mayor seems to be relevant."
Yersitraysin didn't care much about this Mayor — whomever he was. Just some alien, on Earth, threatening other aliens. What did that have to do with her?
The prisoner's eyes narrowed, her voice edgy. "Is that what you think?"
"Ascensions have no relevance to Time Lord…" Yersitraysin began.
"A story, once stable, breaks apart, once the Time Lords step in," the prisoner accused. "A planet, once destroyed, pops back into existence. A moment, once crucial, no longer happens. Cracks in time. Paradoxes in the universe! And you say it's not important!"
Yersitraysin didn't follow. She couldn't work out what Time Lords had to do with any of this — except for the fact that the Doctor happened to be in the story.
The prisoner, for no apparent reason, then burst out laughing.
"And the universe claims the inhabitants of Gallifrey are smart!" the prisoner chuckled. "If they only knew…"
"The Doctor knows how to stop the Ascension," said the Not-So-Doctor. "In fact, he's done it, before."
Everyone in the library fell silent.
They let the impact of that revelation shower down upon them, like specs of rain.
This impossible thing, stopping the Ascension, that they'd been trying to do for so long, and the Doctor had already…!
"How?" Giles asked, new hope in his eyes.
The Not-So-Doctor sighed. "That's the thing, see." Gestured at his head. "He locked the secret up, inside his brain. We can't get at it — not even with the Maer'Isa. And, believe you me, we have tried." He waved at Buffy. "So, we're thinking laterally! If the Doctor's dead, maybe the Slayer can stop the Ascension, instead."
"The Doctor doesn't know anything about the Ascension," Buffy insisted. "If he'd known, he would have told us. I know he would."
The Not-So-Doctor beamed. "Yeah, well, we don't really understand why he hasn't," he said. "Perhaps it's for the same reason that he destroyed your other-timeline alter-ego, in 2003. Or perhaps it's the fault of that lady running about Sunnydale with sunglasses on her head, calling herself 'God'. No idea." He shrugged. "Any rate! Not important! Doctor's dead. Slayer's alive. Bit of a mix-up, but we're making it work." He threw his hands open, in triumph. "Any questions?"
Buffy shrugged off Giles and Wesley. "Just one."
The Not-So-Doctor raised an eyebrow.
Buffy hurled herself at him, tackling him to the ground, stake raised. "Where would you like to die?"
Of course, Buffy should have known the Doctor would be trickier to kill than that.
Even if this wasn't really the Doctor.
A buzzing sound rang out, through the library, and one of the bookcases came detached from the wall. Buffy, without thinking, rolled herself and the Not-Doctor away from it, before it came crashing down.
The action allowed the Not-So-Doctor to gain the upper hand, gaining leverage over her, and allowing him to throw Buffy off of him.
"You really don't want to kill this body, you know!" the Not-So-Doctor insisted. "Told you. Doctor's soul is locked up in the Maer'Isa — and this body can't regenerate without a soul. Whole body would just burn up, replaced with nothing."
Buffy jumped back to her feet. "Wesley says there's no way back from a Maer'Isa."
The Not-So-Doctor winked. "Yeah, but — you know humans." He wiggled his fingers beside his head. "Tiny little voice, inside your head, telling you he's not really dead. Tiny bit of hope. All that."
Buffy hesitated.
"That's why I know you'll never really do it," said the Not-So-Doctor. "That's why I know you'll…"
Buffy punched him in the chest. He stumbled back, and narrowly dodged out of the way of her next punch and kick.
"Buffy," Giles said, trying to step in between them, "I know you're upset — but killing that body won't kill whomever is possessing it."
Buffy knew that. But lots of good people, across the world, trusted the Doctor. A demon able to possess his body could play on that trust and use it to wreak havoc across the Earth. The demon could even place all the Doctor's friends in situations guaranteed to kill them.
If the Doctor really was dead… Buffy had to make sure his body was, too. For his sake.
Buffy flipped herself over both Giles and the Not-So-Doctor's heads, grabbed the Not-So-Doctor by the shoulders, spun him around, and slammed him against the nearest bookcase. She raised up her stake.
"Goodbye, Concurrence," Buffy said. Then, in a quieter, terribly sad voice, added, "Goodbye, Doctor."
She brought down the stake.
The Doctor grabbed her hand, as something in his eyes changed. "Buffy Anne Summers," he gasped. "Don't!"
Buffy's jaw fell open. She didn't know how, didn't know why, but… that was him! That was the real him! The moment he said her name, she got this telepathic rush of emotions and stuff… and she just knew…!
Buffy dropped him to the ground, and stepped back.
"But I thought…!" Buffy swallowed, hard. "But they said you were…!"
That was when the doors to the library burst open, and Angel ran inside…
To 'save' Buffy.
Buffy sighed. Yeah. Way to pull out the heroics, Angel.
