Disclaimer – I don't Saiyuki or any of its characters. All rights belong to its proper owner.

It's Hakkai's turn!

Chapter 3 – No Smiles, Just Tears

Hakkai's POV

It was painful. To have that feeling of loss. I felt it before. When Kanan was killed before my eyes, I could feel that my soul succumbed. Once again, my soul cracked and crumbled when you left us.

Everyone depends on me to make things right. I am the 'okaa-san', as Gojyo puts it, of the group. I watch over the children. I solve the unsolvable problems. I cook, clean and take care of those who are sick. How come this time I couldn't be the okaa-san?

You can say that I develop this motherly affection to Sanzo and Gojyo but mostly you. You were, after all, the 'otouto-chan'. I felt the responsibility to look after you.

But I let you and the others down. I couldn't save you. I let you died. Just like Kanan.

When that youkai threw you over the mountain, I screamed. I never thought I'd be screaming like that. I felt the bottom of my stomach fell with you.

Thump Thump Thump went my heart when we speeded down the hill. At that time, I hurried Hakuryu harder than I usually do. Ignoring the rain that splattering against my monocle and clothes, we raced against time to get to you.

My heart pounded harder when we found you by the riverbank. You were so still we thought you were already dead. When I called you, I breathed in relief when you slightly stirred.

But that moment of relief didn't last. You coughed up blood. Your body was convulsing. Your face was so pale that I didn't think it was possible to have that shade of white.

Your blood was on my fingers when I tried to heal you. I already knew it was hopeless. Your internal organs were hit. Your spine and nearly every other bone were broken. Even if you survived, you would be crippled for life. It was only a matter of minutes, maybe seconds, before your time was up.

Why did I attempted to heal you when I knew it was too late? I can't remember why I kept pressing my hands against your heart, pushing my ki into you.

Perhaps, it was to stop the numbness spreading in my body. The agony of losing you existed in my mind. Sanzo was holding you. Gojyo was physically shouting but mentally crying. I couldn't bear not doing anything.

I was shaking when you said your last words to us. How could someone say something so emotional so happily when they are dying?

We held your hands until you breath your last. It was like I lost more than a friend. My tears merged with the rain. Tears that I never knew I had.

Sanzo, Gojyo and I stayed with you even when the rain had stopped. We didn't realize how cold and soaked we were.

It was a long time until one of us moved. Bearing the weight of the 'okaa-san', I had to say something.

" Come on," I said. " Let's go."

" Where?" Gojyo asked, his voice cracking.

It was a good question.

" There." Sanzo picked up your body and carried you over to a sakura tree. Its leaves gleamed pink and gold from the sun that appeared from the fading clouds.

Placing your body down, Sanzo did something that I never thought was possible for him. He began to dig your grave with his bare hands.

The monk we know was constantly arrogant and confident. What took him to get down on his knees and dig up the dirt? You always had a soft spot in his heart. Only you could get Sanzo to do things like this.

" Stop that, Sanzo. Your hands will get all dirty," Gojyo told him, with no real attempt whatsoever. He placed a hand on Sanzo's shoulder. " Let's go back to the village."

Sanzo shrugged off his hand. " No."

I had to step in. Things could get worse. " Why don't we get dried up first?" I suggested. " It won't do any good if we get sick after – after …"

" You go on ahead," was the reply.

" Quit this nonsense, Sanzo! Goku wouldn't want you – "

He glared at me. " Goku wouldn't want what!?"

Looking into his violet eyes, I told him as steadily as I could without breaking down. " Goku wouldn't want you to dig his grave by yourself."

There was some sort of emotion in his eyes. " He wouldn't want you to get your hands dirty."

" But – "

Using the ultimate Genjo Sanzo glaring technique, he chased Gojyo and me away. He was the type of person to do things his way. So we let him do it on his own, though we watched from a distance.

It was sunset when he finished and laid your body to rest. His clothes and hands were all dirty and we could tell he was tired. He was holding your diadem. I suppose he took it off of you before burying you.

While we were walking back to the village, I saw how bloody red the sun was. I can't believe that even the sun reflected our feelings.

I didn't smile. In fact, I don't think I could smile again. Just cry. That's all I can do in your memory. Just let the tears come down.