He was never good with words, feelings, standing up for himself in general. When someone looked at him, he felt intimidated, yet when someone didn't he felt ignored and lonely. He was a living combination of "lost the will to live" and "has the will to live".
He was constantly battling something inside his mind before saying anything, usually to the point where he forgets what he was going to say or chickens out.
"I'm so pathetic."
"So alone and lonely."
"So useless."
But if one were to break down the meaning of useless, it would be something useless to someone in particular, so he kept hoping, kept wishing, that one day he would be a help to the world and everyone in it.
"Maybe my father would notice me."
"Maybe people would wish to be friends with me."
Yet, at the same time, he shied away from a thought so extravagant and unreachable. He liked being alone. He wanted to be alone, but didn't want to be lonely. He supposes that this is how all humans think, too. That's why Rei didn't reach out or attempt to befriend or understand him. Perhaps she already did, perhaps she didn't, since understanding someone is an emotion and state of mind reserved for the one who wants to be understood. As they say, to be loved by others, you must first love yourself.
But how was that possible?
To him, loving yourself seemed so vain and selfish. He couldn't love himself because he found himself unworthy.
"Does that mean you find the love of others less meaningful than your own?"
He doesn't know. He doesn't want to answer, so he doesn't. That's how he always was. If he felt like doing something he would most likely not do it, if he didn't want to do anything, then he won't do anything. It was his guilty pleasure; by running away, he could avoid problems, avoid fights, avoid everything.
"Wouldn't it catch up to you eventually?"
It did. And during those times, he liked to curl up in a ball, maybe cry depending on how badly the situation stressed him. That was how he was, how he accepted himself to be. He wouldn't change, knew he never could.
What was the point in trying if it were going to fail anyway?
"At least you tried."
No, trying is useless if it meant nothing were to come from it.
"Sometimes you have to lose in order to gain, Shinji."
"Sometimes the gain is even bigger than the loss."
But there was always a maybe that he'd have to risk believing in, and he'd prefer to keep his beliefs locked down on the ground and so solid that even if someone died, he'd stand on his feet and keep on living.
But even when he tried, even when he was so damn focused on just that. He still…
He's still really pathetic.
"Will I ever learn?"
And like he expected, he was met with silence.
All he was and ever will be acknowledged with is silence.
There was no one to talk to anymore. No one to cry to.
He was so lonely. So very lonely.
"What's the point of learning if there's nothing to teach to anyone? Nothing to prove to anyone?"
"Why do you learn? Why do you want to know?"
"Not knowing makes me feel weak."
"Then more knowledge is more strength?"
"I suppose."
"Strength for what?"
For positivity. For achieving dreams. The ability to earn trust and love and friends.
But all of that was pointless now wasn't it?
Floating, living, in a world that only him and a corpse occupied…
What kind of future does he have, if everything he ever loved is gone?
He deserved this, he figured.
He only existed, never actually alive.
Now he's forced to live, to strive.
All alone.
For billions of years to come.
