When I handed Julia my entry about the fight with Jimmy Wheeler, we she read it and then didn´t say anything for a good few moments. I sat in my seat picking at my nails and thinking about how I was going to convince Adam and Brian to let me apply for the school exchange programme to Italy. Julia interrupted my thoughts when she cleared her throat softly and said, "This is a good start, Heidi. It´s very detailed. The only thing I think it´s missing really is how you felt during that time."

I looked at her, once again taking in her immaculate appearance. Julia wasn´t old, probably about Adam´s age and she was always beautifully dressed with well-coiffed hair and sophisticated clothes.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well.. you´ve written about what happened and your brothers´ reactions to your fight with Jimmy Wheeler. But I can´t tell from this what you were feeling inside."

"Isn´t it obvious?" I asked her, probably with a little attitude in my voice.

Julia smiled at me. "Well… I could infer. But I´d rather not. I´d rather you talk to me about what you were feeling."

That´s something I like about Julia. Rather than tell me to curb the attitude like my brothers do when I spout off to them, she doesn´t take it personally.

"I´m not sure how I was feeling." I told her. "It was 7 years ago. Who remembers stuff clearly from when they were 7?"

She gave me a knowing look. "Oh, I think you do know."

I paused a moment to consider her words. "Fine." I said. "I was angry. Real mad. Blood boiling mad. And then after I was mad, I was scared."

"What were you mad at?" she asked me.

I looked at her like she was crazy. "No offence, Julia. But did you even read my entry?"

She smiled at me. "I read it twice. I know what it says. But I´d like you to tell me in your own words why you were mad."

"Because of what Jimmy said." I told her.

"Because of his comments about your parents and being an orphan?"

"No actually. Adam and Brian let Guthrie and I off easy because I think they thought that Jimmy´s words about my mom and dad had really hurt me. But I wasn´t mad at that. I was angry because he seemed to be commenting on Adam and Brian."

"Ok. I see." Julia said. "Would you say you´re very protective of Adam and Brian?"

"Of course. Isn´t everyone protective over their parents? Seems to me like half the fights at school are over momma jokes."

Julia smiled again and then scribbled something down.

"What were you scared of?" she asked me.

"Huh?"

"You said that after you were mad, you were scared. What were you scared of?"

"Julia, you´re killing me here. Last time I checked, every kid was scared of their parents when they got into trouble." I told her.

"But why? Why were you scared?"

I looked at her suspiciously. "Of being punished. Of disappointing them. I dunno…"

Julia wrote in her little black book again.

"You seem to fully regard Adam and Brian as your parents. Would you say that´s right?" she asked me.

"I guess so. And Hannah a lot too."

"How do you think they feel about you feeling that way?"

I shrugged. "Who knows?!"

"You. I think you know."

I didn´t answer for a really long time. Julia waited patiently. I finally worked up the courage to say what I wanted to say.

"I think they find it uncomfortable. I don´t think they see themselves as our parents. Sometimes, my brothers call Adam ´dad´ and he really hates it. To be fair, they normally do it to push his buttons. My brother Daniel does it the most, or he did do it when he was a bit younger. Every time he was mad at Adam or wanted to needle him, he´d call him ´dad´ and Adam would get all tense and tell Daniel not to call him that. And Brian´s more of a pal to my other brothers now that they´re grown. I dunno. Brian´s kind of temperamental. Hannah seems ok with it all. She mothers everyone. Even Brian."

Julia nodded. "Have you ever called Adam ´dad´? she asked.

"Nope."

"Would you like to?"

"No. Not particularly. It´s just a word."

"Well if it´s just a word, then why does Adam get so uncomfortable when one of your brothers calls him that?" she posed.

I shrugged. I didn´t have an answer for that. But I could feel the familiar bubbles of anger in my stomach rising up through my chest and out my mouth.

"It´s not fair!" I burst out. "Adam and Brian always use my mom and dad´s expectations against me. Guthrie too. All of us really. But it makes me mad the most."

"What do you mean?" Julia asked

"Whenever we do something they don´t like, they always tell us that mom and dad wouldn't have liked that. Or that mom and dad wouldn´t have put up with that. Or that´s not the way mom and dad would have done it. But I mean, why can´t they just say that THEY don´t like it? Or that THEY won´t put up with that? It´s so irritating."

"This clearly makes you very upset." Julia noted.

"It does." I confirmed, nodding. "I don´t think they mean to, but they use it as a tool against all of us to bend to their will. And I mean, I don´t mean to be harsh or rude. But I can´t remember my mom or dad. I have no memories of them. And I feel like it´s impossible to please people who aren´t around."

"Hmm." Julia said.

"Like when I became a vegetarian when I was 10. Holy mother of God, you would have thought that I had murdered someone the way Brian carried on. Adam didn´t seem too bothered but Brian was outraged and he told me again and again that dad wouldn´t have approved."

Julia looked amused. "You live on a cattle ranch and you´re a vegetarian?" she asked.

"Sure. Why not?" I looked at her defiantly.

"Hmmm." Julia said, scribbling in her black book again. She put her pen down and smiled at me. "Well, then. I think we´ve found the subject of your next entry."